Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:1-2



I really am at a loss for words...I am so tired of life, living here, being around myself, being around others, seeing the hurting, feeling their pain, feeling my pain, people needing me to help them, needing to help others...I just need to breath.

It's so hard to even know what to say, what to pray for, what to hope for...I just can't stand things right now...I want to love You, I want to serve You...but I don't know how...I feel like I screw everything up.

I hate going to church, I hate everything about it right now...I can't stand the music, hearing preaching of Your word...it's only recently that I actually started trying to read the Bible again...why am I so screwed up?

I hate being cynical, not trusting people, hurting others, causing people pain...I just want to run to You and hide there and never look back here again. Please lift this pain, these giant weights crushing me down...I can't carry this...I can't save others and I will never save myself...please love me even though I am so set on my ways.

I am too exhausted to walk or think...please, please...carry me.
Wipe away these tears and teach me how to love again...

Just carry me away, take me to your side and I never want to return.
I ask...and ask...but I am still here.
Please let me feel Your presence and love overflowing again...how long must I wander through this desert, this damn wilderness? How much longer will I have to wait to be delivered?

"The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"

It seems the less sleep I get the more vivid my nightmares become...
I live in fear of the day that they all might come to fruition.

"And we both stand tall on the table
You take me by the hand and I grab You by the throat
And we come crashing down through the window
On the dirt ground below
And we wrestle in the mud and the blood and the beer
Break my jaw I don’t care
Just stay with me, stay

Lock my arms I don’t want to move
Hold me still teach me how to weep
If it’s ok with You I think I’ll stay here
For a little while

Fell in love with the game
But I forgot Your name
Go ahead please find me
Cause I’m not scared
Though You stayed the same
I forgot from where I came"

Still...after all this time...all I want is you...

I'm too tired for these crosses right now...but it's not about my strength...right?

Quote of the Day

"But already my desire and my will were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed, by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."
-Dante Alighieri

Casting Aside to Hell and Heaven

Creeping, falling thoughts
just echoing
as the distance grows.

Hellish sparks
fly from my eyes
as I am carried
just dragged
and pulled
by this intoxicating madness.

Sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Fear.
Lust.
Confusion.
I'm nothing better than an animal
a sick creatue
just begging to be put down.

God just knows how lost I really am.

What does it matter
when the only one you want to help
you only hurt
and push further
and further away?

What does one say
when it seems the rain that falls
does nothing
to cover the shame
and the growing self hate?

These words are as worthless
as every time
I ever professed caring
or love
or hope
or faith.

My faith and love
are nothing more than self serving
ramblings of a child
who has lost his way
and is plummeting
down this rabbit hole.

There is no Wonder Land,
just a Hellish nightmare
waiting for me
while I hope you,
yes
you blessed muse
are able to find solace,
the peace beyond everlasting peace.

As for I and I,
there is a short time before impact
but I must rip my soul apart
just to put it back in place.

Maybe there is some sort of hope
or it's all a delusion.
Either way
life has grown unbearably long
without thy aid.

I will walk this Inferno.
I will plumb the depths
and taste the bitterness
of every sin
and see the twisted nature
of those eternally damned.

I will walk without Virgil
and cast aside these broken weapons
which only served to damn me further.
Maybe I will find you
at the gates of Paradiso
like Dante's Beatrice,
but most likely
this is nothing more than a dream
and I will wake to the rain falling on me
as I have been laying prone in the gutter
where I left my resolve and faith.



"But already my desire and my will
were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed,
by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."

"Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me"

Psalm 41

"The Lord nurses them when they are sick
and restores them to health.

“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:3-4

Yeah...

Why?
And still...nothing...

Spirals...down...down...down...

Most people can promise anything...but I think I would follow through on everything...even if you don't care to realize it...anything like that is sacrificing all...but it is easy for me to say when I have such few commitments but...truth is truth just as love will always be love.

I hope it makes sense...even though i know I rarely make sense to me...you just had the misfortune of...you know.

I wish...I could just...let you know...everything...

Why bother...gah.
I just...
Words.
And words again.
Gargh.

I miss you.

I want to scream from being tired of the idiocy.

God I am loosing what little self control and patience I have.

I have trouble breathing from everything going on...to many thoughts, too much emotion and the end is all too soon in sight.

Everything but nothing.
Yes, direct contradiction but what more do you ask for?

Yes the change is that drastic.
Everything and nothing.

I can't help but wonder why things fall this way, what freedom was this supposed to be?

Anger.
Exhaustion.
Bitterness coursing through my veins.
I can taste the bitterness of freedom without life.

What now?
What more can I ask for?
What else can I say?

Everything and nothing.

I am just hoping to last long enough to see the sun rise
and feel the freedom given by renewed life.

Psalm 38

"Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:3-9


I know so little and am so unsure.
I just know my life is Yours.
I have known You, felt You and know You care.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful.
Beyond my cheap words.

Thank You.
Just thank You again and again.


"Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes"

I have my hair cut now.
That may not solve any of my existential issues but my neck is much cooler and I can actually see when I both walk and drive.

I might be able to find the means to having a peaceful sleep one of these days...

"I hope you're happy now..."

It's stupid to miss someone so much that it feels like you've lost a part of yourself.

I guess I am stupid.

Ack.

Faithfulness Dear Faithfulness

Why do I not take the cross more seriously?
All the stupid bitter thoughts I have are nothing compared to what is true...what is any of this madness we live and die for when compared to burning all of this and finding true peace? True love in You?

I'm finding everything but what I'm truly looking for and desiring...everything but that peace, that hope, that genuine letting go and loosing myself...seriously...what is any of this worth? This flesh, this being?

I want...I need to find peace away from myself...I want to loose the need to worship this moment of being...I want to forget what it means to be intoxicated from my own lusts and the next shiny thing that grabs my heart.

I want to be faithful
I want to remember the cross.
I want the blood of Jesus that brings forgiveness to mean something in my daily life.
I don't want to beat people over the head with religious fervor but I want them to see You as the only giving life to these dead and decaying bones.

You are the reason I breath.
I want to be faithful.
More than anything else...I just want this to all burn and fall away...and leave who or whatever my true self is.

Please.