Casting Aside to Hell and Heaven

Creeping, falling thoughts
just echoing
as the distance grows.

Hellish sparks
fly from my eyes
as I am carried
just dragged
and pulled
by this intoxicating madness.

Sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Fear.
Lust.
Confusion.
I'm nothing better than an animal
a sick creatue
just begging to be put down.

God just knows how lost I really am.

What does it matter
when the only one you want to help
you only hurt
and push further
and further away?

What does one say
when it seems the rain that falls
does nothing
to cover the shame
and the growing self hate?

These words are as worthless
as every time
I ever professed caring
or love
or hope
or faith.

My faith and love
are nothing more than self serving
ramblings of a child
who has lost his way
and is plummeting
down this rabbit hole.

There is no Wonder Land,
just a Hellish nightmare
waiting for me
while I hope you,
yes
you blessed muse
are able to find solace,
the peace beyond everlasting peace.

As for I and I,
there is a short time before impact
but I must rip my soul apart
just to put it back in place.

Maybe there is some sort of hope
or it's all a delusion.
Either way
life has grown unbearably long
without thy aid.

I will walk this Inferno.
I will plumb the depths
and taste the bitterness
of every sin
and see the twisted nature
of those eternally damned.

I will walk without Virgil
and cast aside these broken weapons
which only served to damn me further.
Maybe I will find you
at the gates of Paradiso
like Dante's Beatrice,
but most likely
this is nothing more than a dream
and I will wake to the rain falling on me
as I have been laying prone in the gutter
where I left my resolve and faith.



"But already my desire and my will
were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed,
by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."

"Nothing really matters,
Anyone can see,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me"

Psalm 41

"The Lord nurses them when they are sick
and restores them to health.

“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:3-4

Yeah...

Why?
And still...nothing...

Spirals...down...down...down...

Most people can promise anything...but I think I would follow through on everything...even if you don't care to realize it...anything like that is sacrificing all...but it is easy for me to say when I have such few commitments but...truth is truth just as love will always be love.

I hope it makes sense...even though i know I rarely make sense to me...you just had the misfortune of...you know.

I wish...I could just...let you know...everything...

Why bother...gah.
I just...
Words.
And words again.
Gargh.

I miss you.

I want to scream from being tired of the idiocy.

God I am loosing what little self control and patience I have.

I have trouble breathing from everything going on...to many thoughts, too much emotion and the end is all too soon in sight.

Everything but nothing.
Yes, direct contradiction but what more do you ask for?

Yes the change is that drastic.
Everything and nothing.

I can't help but wonder why things fall this way, what freedom was this supposed to be?

Anger.
Exhaustion.
Bitterness coursing through my veins.
I can taste the bitterness of freedom without life.

What now?
What more can I ask for?
What else can I say?

Everything and nothing.

I am just hoping to last long enough to see the sun rise
and feel the freedom given by renewed life.

Psalm 38

"Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:3-9


I know so little and am so unsure.
I just know my life is Yours.
I have known You, felt You and know You care.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful.
Beyond my cheap words.

Thank You.
Just thank You again and again.


"Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes"

I have my hair cut now.
That may not solve any of my existential issues but my neck is much cooler and I can actually see when I both walk and drive.

I might be able to find the means to having a peaceful sleep one of these days...

"I hope you're happy now..."

It's stupid to miss someone so much that it feels like you've lost a part of yourself.

I guess I am stupid.

Ack.

Faithfulness Dear Faithfulness

Why do I not take the cross more seriously?
All the stupid bitter thoughts I have are nothing compared to what is true...what is any of this madness we live and die for when compared to burning all of this and finding true peace? True love in You?

I'm finding everything but what I'm truly looking for and desiring...everything but that peace, that hope, that genuine letting go and loosing myself...seriously...what is any of this worth? This flesh, this being?

I want...I need to find peace away from myself...I want to loose the need to worship this moment of being...I want to forget what it means to be intoxicated from my own lusts and the next shiny thing that grabs my heart.

I want to be faithful
I want to remember the cross.
I want the blood of Jesus that brings forgiveness to mean something in my daily life.
I don't want to beat people over the head with religious fervor but I want them to see You as the only giving life to these dead and decaying bones.

You are the reason I breath.
I want to be faithful.
More than anything else...I just want this to all burn and fall away...and leave who or whatever my true self is.

Please.

Irritation.
Peace.
Please?

Quote of the Day:

"I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness."
-Mother Teresa

Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7


I don't know how to be still.
My mind never shuts off.
My feet and hands shake all the time when I sit down.
I am ridiculously jittery.
I over think.
I do not know how to just be.

Why doth I, such a fleeting insect seek to steer One so immeasurable and impossible? You are so beyond me, that the merest comprehension proves impossible..and yet...You still love me.

Love me.

You are so beautiful, so wonderful...so beyond my comprehension.
Those that hurt me, wish me harm, want me dead, who think I am nothing but scum...You love them as well.

You bled and died on a cross for me and them.

I try to win useless fights while You just want me to sit under Your wings and soak in Your love and grace while You teach me what grace really is.


I just...want to love and be loved.
I want the pain in my body, soul and heart to reduce and be healed so I can love and love again and love truly.

Please...help me grow from this pain...and just...
...You know...only You know.

I would like to scream right now.
Preferably with a lot of profanities while jumping around the room kicking stuff and screaming about why life is hardly fair at all.

*sigh*

God.

Creed is officially marketing itself as a Christian band now?
I wish Hell would stop freezing over already...

Quote of the Day:

"In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."
—Brennan Manning

Nothing

Once again I find myself in a place where words have no meaning and are pointless.

I will wear it because I need a reminder laced with nihilistic tendencies.

Feelings?
Emotions?
No...I can't afford such things.
Just revisits of medication and pained expressions.

Is my life a lie?
I just never say what I feel.
It's all a clever self-righteous display
of discreet misdirection.

Burying as I always will.
The obnoxious thing is I would only talk to you about this kind of thing.

I don't know if I am hungry.
Am I just sick again?
Damn this useless body.
I hate it almost as much as me.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

I'm in a place where words are no longer real.

There is no rest.

None could understand except those already here...yet...

Pain reveals and lifts off the scales of pretension.
I hate what I see.
I despise everything within me.
The coward, the shadow and shade.
Mercenary, fiend and bastard child.

Thoughts...just...

Part of me speaks of inevitability
and perverse joy in being proven right.
The same sort of broken faith
as held before.


I just feel teeth cutting into my soul
and hope I can just disregard everything.
Unhealthy lies.
I just want to stop.
But there is this storm of everything to not do.

The greatest temptation is death by apathy
and allowing everything to atrophied
but this stupid faith won't let me.
The One I keep crying, praying and asking from
will not let me lay here in pain and be.
It wasn't enough my body hurts
and my soul cries out as well
but now...now what?

I don't care.
Yes the view is nice.
I appreciate You taking the time
but when it daily feels like
my body and soul are bathed with Hell,
could You please excuse me
from caring about the sunrise?

I better understand why people go to their madness
and drink it
and cast away everything for it.

I feel anger as much as just this stupid pining.
Being human is so repulsively frustrating.

What is...
Why...
Relentless questions with no answer.
No plausible notion
because it simply is.

I wish I was strong enough to just erase all this.
It brings nothing positive affront.
Just more useless meanderings
pointing in another direction
while I slip off into the night
hoping to not be followed.