I have trouble breathing from everything going on...to many thoughts, too much emotion and the end is all too soon in sight.

Everything but nothing.
Yes, direct contradiction but what more do you ask for?

Yes the change is that drastic.
Everything and nothing.

I can't help but wonder why things fall this way, what freedom was this supposed to be?

Anger.
Exhaustion.
Bitterness coursing through my veins.
I can taste the bitterness of freedom without life.

What now?
What more can I ask for?
What else can I say?

Everything and nothing.

I am just hoping to last long enough to see the sun rise
and feel the freedom given by renewed life.

Psalm 38

"Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:3-9


I know so little and am so unsure.
I just know my life is Yours.
I have known You, felt You and know You care.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful.
Beyond my cheap words.

Thank You.
Just thank You again and again.


"Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes"

I have my hair cut now.
That may not solve any of my existential issues but my neck is much cooler and I can actually see when I both walk and drive.

I might be able to find the means to having a peaceful sleep one of these days...

"I hope you're happy now..."

It's stupid to miss someone so much that it feels like you've lost a part of yourself.

I guess I am stupid.

Ack.

Faithfulness Dear Faithfulness

Why do I not take the cross more seriously?
All the stupid bitter thoughts I have are nothing compared to what is true...what is any of this madness we live and die for when compared to burning all of this and finding true peace? True love in You?

I'm finding everything but what I'm truly looking for and desiring...everything but that peace, that hope, that genuine letting go and loosing myself...seriously...what is any of this worth? This flesh, this being?

I want...I need to find peace away from myself...I want to loose the need to worship this moment of being...I want to forget what it means to be intoxicated from my own lusts and the next shiny thing that grabs my heart.

I want to be faithful
I want to remember the cross.
I want the blood of Jesus that brings forgiveness to mean something in my daily life.
I don't want to beat people over the head with religious fervor but I want them to see You as the only giving life to these dead and decaying bones.

You are the reason I breath.
I want to be faithful.
More than anything else...I just want this to all burn and fall away...and leave who or whatever my true self is.

Please.

Irritation.
Peace.
Please?

Quote of the Day:

"I do not pray for success, I ask for faithfulness."
-Mother Teresa

Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7


I don't know how to be still.
My mind never shuts off.
My feet and hands shake all the time when I sit down.
I am ridiculously jittery.
I over think.
I do not know how to just be.

Why doth I, such a fleeting insect seek to steer One so immeasurable and impossible? You are so beyond me, that the merest comprehension proves impossible..and yet...You still love me.

Love me.

You are so beautiful, so wonderful...so beyond my comprehension.
Those that hurt me, wish me harm, want me dead, who think I am nothing but scum...You love them as well.

You bled and died on a cross for me and them.

I try to win useless fights while You just want me to sit under Your wings and soak in Your love and grace while You teach me what grace really is.


I just...want to love and be loved.
I want the pain in my body, soul and heart to reduce and be healed so I can love and love again and love truly.

Please...help me grow from this pain...and just...
...You know...only You know.

I would like to scream right now.
Preferably with a lot of profanities while jumping around the room kicking stuff and screaming about why life is hardly fair at all.

*sigh*

God.

Creed is officially marketing itself as a Christian band now?
I wish Hell would stop freezing over already...

Quote of the Day:

"In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve."
—Brennan Manning

Nothing

Once again I find myself in a place where words have no meaning and are pointless.

I will wear it because I need a reminder laced with nihilistic tendencies.

Feelings?
Emotions?
No...I can't afford such things.
Just revisits of medication and pained expressions.

Is my life a lie?
I just never say what I feel.
It's all a clever self-righteous display
of discreet misdirection.

Burying as I always will.
The obnoxious thing is I would only talk to you about this kind of thing.

I don't know if I am hungry.
Am I just sick again?
Damn this useless body.
I hate it almost as much as me.

Maybe.
Maybe not.

I'm in a place where words are no longer real.

There is no rest.

None could understand except those already here...yet...

Pain reveals and lifts off the scales of pretension.
I hate what I see.
I despise everything within me.
The coward, the shadow and shade.
Mercenary, fiend and bastard child.

Thoughts...just...

Part of me speaks of inevitability
and perverse joy in being proven right.
The same sort of broken faith
as held before.


I just feel teeth cutting into my soul
and hope I can just disregard everything.
Unhealthy lies.
I just want to stop.
But there is this storm of everything to not do.

The greatest temptation is death by apathy
and allowing everything to atrophied
but this stupid faith won't let me.
The One I keep crying, praying and asking from
will not let me lay here in pain and be.
It wasn't enough my body hurts
and my soul cries out as well
but now...now what?

I don't care.
Yes the view is nice.
I appreciate You taking the time
but when it daily feels like
my body and soul are bathed with Hell,
could You please excuse me
from caring about the sunrise?

I better understand why people go to their madness
and drink it
and cast away everything for it.

I feel anger as much as just this stupid pining.
Being human is so repulsively frustrating.

What is...
Why...
Relentless questions with no answer.
No plausible notion
because it simply is.

I wish I was strong enough to just erase all this.
It brings nothing positive affront.
Just more useless meanderings
pointing in another direction
while I slip off into the night
hoping to not be followed.

Looks like it's going to be a Nine Inch Nails kind of night...

Psalm 36

"How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter
in the shadow of your wings."
-Psalm 36:7

With all the pain, hate, anger, hurting and fear floating around this Hellish nightmare landscape...I'm sorry I forget about this love...this compassion You have for others. I don't understand but that does not excuse apathy and ignoring other people's pain because of apathy.

I never thought I would be back in Mobile or stuck here as long as I have and am going to be...yet You knew about this. You knew about me living in this house, those I would meet, the friends I would bump into last night, the conversations I would have today.

Is there a purpose and plan in this growing disaster?
I pray, I ache, my soul cries out for others and myself...and so often it feels like just...maybe...it's all in vain.

And...yet, Your love is still here...even when I want to doubt and no longer believe.
This doubt feels like it covers my skin...like a second coating of sin that tries to burrow under my flesh and slide into my soul. I feel infected with apathy and a lack of concern for the world.

I don't want to be You...but I want to feel your love and compassion and carry that to those I know and do not know. I do not need a bigger ego...just a bigger capacity for love and wanting to help others.



I need You here right now...just as badly as the others need You right now...in such a vivid and true way. Not just words or a feeling...but You like only You can do. No matter what happens I need to believe that at the end of this day Your love still remains for a faithless fiend like me...that no matter how much more pain I cause and how deep I try to dig this hole...Your love will win out over this Hell.

Teach me to truly pray.
For my words are naught more than worthless garbage.

"I speak religion's message clear
and I control you
I am denial guilt and fear
and I control you
I am the prayers of the naive
and I control you
I am the lie that you believe
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct"

I don't really know what I was expecting...but yeah.
Hoping it may have just been a bad dream...but it's not the end of the world.
Just a bit more confusion and pain for today...

Luckily there is grace.
And hope.
Endless hope.

I somehow feel even more sick.
Worry as well.

Somehow every decision is wrong...

Quote of the Day:

"Men do not differ much about what things they will call evils; they differ enormously about what evils they will call excusable."
-G.K. Chesterton

I am so exhausted...and in so much pain.
Wow.

So much...so much.

But...can't stop now...

Quote of the Day:

"If knowing answers to life's questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey. You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowable - of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensibles, and, most of all, things unfair."
-Jeanne Guyon

Psalm 34

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
-Psalm 34:17-18



"Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly

When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me

See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore"




Your cross.
Your love.
My words are empty.
My heart is broken.
Abba.
Father.
How can You love one such as me?

Thank you for your grace, for my friends and the faith family shielding me...thank you for letting me be here in this moment...the pain is so much but thank you Father.
Thank you for the good, the bad and horrible...thank you for those who love me and have carried me this far...please help me return their love a thousand fold.

Thank you.

My tears, prayers and work will never be enough...so help me learn how to rest and let things be and worship You.

Thank you.
Thank you.

"The Beginning" -Showbread