*Sigh*

People are so depressingly stupid...

"The ghost of hope still strikes its brilliant lightning.
Through the dark our hearts will scream,
for a world we’ve only dreamed.
And the past, it will decay,
so sing goodbye to yesterday
and I believe."

There is nothing quite like the feeling of loosing your mind!

Hooray!

=D

Quote of the Day:

"As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others -- and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer."
— Brennan Manning

Ack...essay writing...ack.

Argh.

Blurgh.

Blergh.

Blearghurgherghs.

Yes...try saying that last one five times fast.

I just...
The wonder and helplessness I feel at times...what hope prevails and drives this heart to force my way through the surreal landscape surrounding me?

I'm not sure...how and why but people speak of Hell with authority.
The grandeur of Heaven is reduced to mere humanistic terms...the physical and what we get out of it...not what truth may be...truth beyond our understanding and desire.

So many of the issues revolve around...

The words I wish to utilize silence themselves because of the narcissism involved with it.

Features...floundering and Hell...this and that...this and that...
Why do I bother to care?
What is it I am fighting for?

At the smallest...slightest...things divide and pain...
Jesus, why?
I don't want to carry this burden...but has it ever been my choice?
What is relevant in decision when it feels like all I can do...is...is...

It is clear I haven't dealt with things ending with this semester...seeing an empty ice cream box was enough to almost make me want to cry.

I had something profound...but it's gone...now it's just a mixture of exhaustion and not knowing where exactly to look right now...but everything is...is...and will be.

Chicago...doesn't feel all that far away right now...

More than ever I am getting the distinct impression this university isn't all that concerned about my well being...

>_< Ack Athletes.

Hope.
Burning so bright.
Hope.
Christ Jesus, You have carried me so far.
From here until eternity
may this life be Yours.

Yeah...I am a lamewad...

Moving apathy!
Hooray!

I think may be looking forward to having class just so I can get back to sleeping on a normal schedule again...it has been such an insanely busy couple of weeks of spending time with friends...saying goodbye...driving miles all over the place...such bitter sweet moments...

Hope remains that this is only a new beginning.
I still do not understand the how or the why...
I have to keep asking until I die...but there is hope,
that there are no true endings.

"Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you'll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes"

It feels like a slap in the face but I think God has been revealing to me just how shallow I am in all my relationships...how I am so mercenary, self-serving and self-seeking...

I still view people as a means to my own end...not as being beautiful, unique and wonderful creations of Father...I am so bitter and angry when plans don't go my way...why and when did I stop seeing the twists and turns of life being so breath taking beautiful?

I want a sense of wonder again...I want to see the unexpected as good...I want to see people as You do, I want to feel for them...love them like You do...

I want to no longer be so shallow but be deep...

Quote of the Day:

"Far away from all the lights and noise we felt You there/It's my favorite memory/You're so beautiful to me/Thanks for the songs/these seven friends and eight good years/It is You that made them sweet/You're so beautiful to me."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "It Was Beautiful"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klt3BlDC1lM

Hmm...hope.

Yes...that is the name of that alien feeling in my heart...that regardless of how the dice fall that everything will be okay at the end of the day...

Missed Phone Call

Waiting
hoping
praying.

Everything is falling as it might,
connecting in the ways it only can.

Flittering
glittering
intoxicating,

Just everything you ever were
becoming everything you aren't.

Believing you are
even when you only see
the stark contrast
of a negative image
being posted up on some screen.

Everything just is,
nothing more
and
nothing less.

Be as the state of being,
hope as you may
and never let
the ground catch up to you just yet.

Quote of the Day:

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."
-Gloria Naylor

I hate being in the mindset where I have to keep myself insanely busy or...I start to get lost in thoughts...feelings...emotions...recollections as it were.

I think that is what I have succeeded in doing to some degree or so the past few weeks...being so involved with friends I forgot the end is coming...I put it off and out of mind.

But now...the gripping silence of this proverbial sanitarium is a place I cannot stand much longer. To tarry here would be to court disaster and her sister insanity, the silence is its own brand of oppression...and yet...memories continue and sustain themselves.

I've been doing a lot of thinking...and keeping myself busy...thankfully I haven't gotten as lost as I am prone to being...however...this is the however which matters...the choice is coming and I have already made the decision.

The problem is understanding why I decided this way.

...can't I at least get a cookie while I mull this over?

Eh just...whatever...

You know...the fact I can't win at life...much less a fictional life in a game with utterly no consequence or worth is nothing short of damn irritating.

It's irritating to loose power...bargh...lousy Internet...

I hate feeling like everything I do to help only seems to make the problems worse and cause people more pain...

It's the kind of thing that makes one wonder if they are cursed or something.

It looks like Matt Pike will find himself on another night of no sleep and full of shenanigans...