Talking to her seems to have been nothing more than a dream.

The deranged assimilation of an exhausted and overworked brain.

Oh how I hurt.
Mr.Reznor you wrote about this.

What have I become?
What will I become?

The pain of breathing...of making myself act while drowning in this ocean of fear and doubt...oh such bitter sweet hope...

Quote of the Day:

"One wonders why no one in church history as ever been considered a heretic for being unloving. People were anathematized and often tortured and killed for disagreeing on matters of doctrine or on the authority of the church. But no one on record has ever been so much as rebuked for not loving as Christ loved...how is it that possessing Christlike love has never been considered the central test of orthodoxy?"
-Greg Boyd

Why must it be pain or nightmares?
Or both?

Why can...

I complain a lot.
The small things hurt.

But You, You are bigger than these things.
Bigger than my hopes, my dreams and pain.
Father...please.
I'm in so much pain.
My body hates me, my mind and soul are so confused...

Hold me in Love.
Please.
Now and forever.

Such exhausted and pain filled irritation...

"I firmly believe people have hitherto been a great deal too much taken up about doctrine and far too little about practice. The word doctrine, as used in the Bible, means teaching of duty, not theory. I preached a sermon about this. We are far too anxious to be definite and to have finished, well-polished, sharp-edged systems - forgetting that the more perfect a theory about the infinite, the surer it is to be wrong, the more impossible it is to be right."
-George MacDonald

Quote of the Day, The Second Part:

"He must have been like me, that Pharisee. He too thought only of himself - how to get a cup of tea, how to keep warm and comfortable; never a thought of his guest. He took care of himself, but for his guest he cared nothing at all. Yet who was his guest? The Lord himself! If he came to me, should I behave like that?"
-Leo Tolstoy

Quote of the Day:

"The most difficult subjects can be explained to the most slow-witted man if he has not formed any idea of them already; but the simplest thing cannot be made clear to the most intelligent man if he is firmly persuaded that he knows already, without a shadow of doubt, what is laid before him."
-Leo Tolstoy

Yes or No

Vivid.
Vicious visceral intent.
Mind traps.
Redundancy.
Simplicity.

Forgoing freedom for slavery.
Forgetting and breaking down.
Every little thing added.

Reciprocation, if only in lies.
Realization all is here and gone.

Yes and No.
You knew it was this way.
Always.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

More.
Nightmares.
Thank.
You.
Jesus.

So freaking swell of you.

*sigh*

I hate loosing...and...it's not like 'true love' actually exists anyways...

God I feel physically sick from how bad the nightmares are...I feel like my soul is being ripped apart...

Matthew 11:27-30

"Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly. "The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I'm not keeping it to myself; I'm ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly.""
-Matthew 11:27-30

Christian Nihilism

All that is temporal is too late and already faltering in step. It is hard to make a risk on such a thing...as people when it feels like all there is behind the curtain...is just more heart wrenching pain.

But what is the alternative?
Isolation?
Eternally temporal fear?

There is nothing I need...or want to want...want to desire more than God.
Everything else will die, everyone else will go away in the end...

Why can I not just be content with the eternal?
Why must the temporal go on ripping my heart asunder while I plead for a cure for this anxiety leading towards death?

I just...want...or need...or...or...

There are words, poor words.
Fear...hate...fear...

There has to be more to this than the pain.
There has to be more life than this death.

I see across this chasm,
across the billowing ocean
a Love burning so bright
that I scarcely comprehend
but know I am being pulled.

The night is dying
and my hope
oh my hope is crying
as I feel the darkness creep.
The night will end
but until then we must go onward.

Wandering Saint of Destruction

My appetite knows no end.
My eyes are never satisfied.

The fel beast within me snarls in disgust at my weakness and demands more and more.

Nothing is ever sufficient.
Nothing is new under this burning sun.

I feel the coating of sin on my skin.
Burning ever so near.
The heat of want
coupled with the ache of desiring more,
more than this broken body knows how to deliver.

Even if I was given everything,
everything my eyes see
and my hands long to touch,
what would I have left?

There is no contempt
like there is for myself
at such weakness
as wanting it all
so I can hate myself more.

Words.
Useless bloody words
falling from a broken mouth
and all I have is all I have
while I wait and pray.

My righteousness is less than filthy rags.
I am broken and full of contempt,
my rage a senseless repetition
just a reflection of everything I am.

Panic.
Recluse.
Despising myself.
But hope.
Bright burning impossible hope.
Words of Peace breaking my heart,
just letting me begin to heal.

Carry me as I am weak.
Oh so weak from the loss of blood.

Somethings give me hope.
Somethings utterly depress me.
Is it sad that this does both?

Oh what I would do to stop having nightmares...

I just finished reading the last episode of 8-Bit Theater and am mulling over the fact I spent nearly nine years reading a sprite comic.

The brokenness of my soul knows no end for my depravity knows no bounds...such a fierce and horrid struggle...feeling my soul tainted with this vile drink of sin...and how the Spirit within me screams in protest.

I'm so sick of trying to be perfect...conversely I am so exhausted from the taste of sin...I refuse to be a slave to myself...I want to be obedient and simply try.

My words condemn me and my accusers are those of sin...my only hope is the Lamb that was slain before the foundation of the world.

"You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen "

Quote of the Day:

"The great ideals of the past failed not by being outlived (which must mean over-lived), but by not being lived enough. Mankind has not passed through the Middle Ages. Rather mankind has retreated from the Middle Ages in reaction and rout. The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult; and left untried."
-G. K. Chesterton

Soul explosion.
So much know so little comprehended...

Enjoyment of the moment...of this breath of air...of the soothing silence...the taste of water...the beating of the heart and the second of the now being absorbed away by time itself...

"The more you see the less you know
The less you find out as you go
I knew much more then than I do now

Neon heart, day glow eyes
A city lit by fireflies
They're advertising in the skies
For people like us

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground
Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights"

I feel the need to break away from this...to shun my appetites for self destruction, the addiction of self...I see myself in eternity and know I am heading the right way but oh there is so much more...so much further to go...

Is it possible to honor Christ and hold onto money?
Property?
Possessions?

These are real questions...just as I feel real pacifism is...

I want to set a fire with these poor words, see it burn and hope I can walk into the night with You.

Heal me.
Cleanse me.
Fix me.

Teach me please.
...and send me.

Quote of the Day:

"The person who is really in revolt is the optimist, who generally lives and dies in a desperate and suicidal effort to persuade all the other people how good they are. It has been proved a hundred times over that if you really wish to enrage people and make them angry, even unto death, the right way to do it is to tell them that they are all the sons of God."
-G. K. Chesterton

Hello masochism.
Did you miss me?