Yeah and stuff...

It's been an odd day, there has been some wonderful conversation that warmed my soul and made me feel...

And then there was some of it that made my soul scream out in protest.

I will never understand apathy towards those hurting...and Jesus knows I wish I could take the pain from those I love and even though it would be a disservice to them...I'm so sick of seeing the pain in others. I'm so sick of those who are least deserving having to carry the biggest burdens...

Where is Your plan and Love in this?
I do not understand and if I did...I would be more terrified...

The best I can figure is that I'm here for a reason, I am breathing and walking for purpose...and I so wish to carry Your love to these around me...

You have taken me, allowed me to be broken and rebuilt and let the process begin again...love is so painful, so wrenching...but it's such an intoxication. How could I ever live without You?

It's like I have found You and are still looking...

But I just want...

...You know?

Quote of the Day:

“I doubt if a single individual could be found from the whole of mankind free from some form of insanity. The only difference is one of degree. A man who sees a gourd and takes it for his wife is called insane because this happens to very few people.”
-Desiderius Erasmus

I hate being so melancholy...things could be going perfect and I will hit a depressed slump when I get perspective and see how bad things can be.

I'm just so tired of...so much and so many things...

It's an exhaustion of trying to carry too much...my body can't handle the stress. I just cannot cope with the stress so the best thing I can do is simply not.

I hate having a heart with emotions and feelings...I almost would rather be a mindless robot than have to deal with all of this...complicated crap.

I wish it could all just be removed...no more of this...no more...

Ultimately...everything is going to fade, all these things will end, all the relationships will be cut and everything will die...and I'll be alone again.

I'm tired of feelings, loosing energy and myself to other people for exchange for...nothing in most cases.

Nothing is the problem...nothing in absolute terms and in full that will be complete with the cycle and circles of time and sand and every thing else that will be that will be under this sun.

I'm too old for this drama stuff...I'm so tired...

Brain is frazzled.
But in a good way.
It is nice to have my mind pushed and stretched again.
I'm just not looking forward to a three hour class.
Ack.

Oh well.
Overall things are...getting better and nicer.
I hope things can get better and better...

Quote of the Day:

“Talent is cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.”
-Stephen King

Acid Jazz remix of the Chrono Trigger soundtrack, reading on the New Testament and caffeine.

Life just doesn't get too much better than this.

Sadness...

Ah...hypocrisy you know no bounds...

My soul is devoid of any real meaning.
The night is showing me as the beast I am.
Frightful and afraid.
Full of deceit and wickedness.

Quote of the day:

“Boredom is the root of all evil - the despairing refusal to be oneself.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

Things, things, things...

-Chiropractor at 3PM today
-Going to book store to get book list and prices.
-Begin Kierkegaard research
-Get supplies for classes

I tried.

...if only you knew...tis a pity you do not...

And...here we go...yet again...

Quote of the Day:

“...emptiness is only a disguise for an intimacy of God's, that God's silence, the eerie stillness, is filled by the Word without words, by Him who is above all names, by Him who is all in all. And his silence is telling us that He is here.”
-Karl Rahner

Self Serving Ego Rant

Evangelism feels like it is such an abused subject.
What is pure, what is evangelism done in love?
Not the Bible beating and ego bashing sort of crap that does nothing except prove peoples negative preconceptions of Christians?

The way Christian culture is...it is so easy to just live in a bubble and sit around in a circle patting each other on the back and acting like we're doing God a service by going to church on Sundays and taking Bible verses out of context about what it means to be a great patriot and what this country will look like when we get a leader who will ship all the 'undesirables' off to California and then detonate the fault lines so it can float off and be it's own little Sodom and Gomorrah.

Evangelism, sharing 'good news' can't be done with hyperbole as much as it cannot be done with false pretense.

I have been apart of numerous short term evangelism projects: street preaching, hanging out tracts as well as going door to door doing surveys.

I have also been a part of actual mission projects where I have gone to various cities and we worked on old houses doing painting and roofing.

Of the two of those only the latter every really produced any real results because it was the only one in which Jesus was really being shown. Evangelism cannot merely be words...it is action. It's sort of what Saint Francis of Assisi said, "Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words."

Actions are so much more meaningful and important than merely sharing a piece of paper with words on it. The Gospel has always had power for transforming lives and will continue to do so but the only way to get past the hearts flooded with anger and cynicism is to break down the walls with simple Christian love.


Something that bothers me greatly...is why is there so much anger from those professing to be Christians? Why do people march around with picket signs declaring "God hates fags" and other equally unsavory slogans? As though they alone were ordained to be mouthpieces for the Almighty?

What sort of broken person does it take to make an individual who refuses to feel compassion for the poor, those dying of AIDS, children forced into prostitution?



"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other."
-John 13:34-35

"If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless. Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world."
-James 1:26-27



Somehow and in someway this is supposed to be what Christian love is...loving God, others and ourselves. Loving enough to do the right thing but not to abuse others.

I do believe there is a real place for preaching, teaching and the like...but the single greatest absence is actual doctrine being put into tangible practice. More than just endless debates but actual positive action to the sick and hurting.

Of all the people in the world...one would think Christians would be the last ones to judge.

I know the reasons why I get angry and scared...it's because something is getting too close to my heart and what I am trying to hide.

Is it too much to ask, to much to want...for this false sincerity to take a permanent vacation in my own life?

All the ideas in my head about wanting basic and pure love and religion that is based upon giving up everything except the bare necessities is terrifying...I do not want to die clutching these useless things when I can be out helping other people.

I can't figure out if I am just making excuses, if I'm just running from Jesus or if this is the path I am supposed to walk...I do not want my life to be just a waste of me asking questions and being too terrified to do anything.


So many questions...I have so many doubts about myself and others...maybe one of the things I've been missing with a regular church family is people to help encourage me and remind me that I am not in fact insane...that there are others who believe just as ardently as I do in the eternal life of Christ.

I want to take the faith I have, the impossible Love I feel for Christ and let it be real in my interactions...my friends I have been living with, my family at home, at the school I'm going to...and...and...there is a blank. I don't know where I am going or what I am doing exactly...

I am anxious and afraid because there is this upcoming gap in my life that I do not know will be filled in with...if anything. I do not want to get lost in depression an anxiety again...because there are so few people I can actually trust to talk about this...I feel like I've been screwed over so often by people who never meant anything malicious...because face it, who can handle living around someone who lives in such extremes as I do?

Nothing is every in moderation...it is all or nothing...just like how I wish things could be with the way evangelism was handled...not just simple gestures but life giving devotion to others.

I wish things could be more simple and all the various voices of my soul, my body, Jesus, temptation and everything could be quite long enough for me to hear the gentle whispers of the One True God...not the false notions I have of Him...but who He is really...

In ways I feel like I wouldn't recognize my savior if I saw him...I'm so obsessed with finding perfection in the mud that I cannot really imagine what Jesus means by life...love and wholeness.

I do not know but God do I wish to find it...wherever and however...

Similar to Wolfwood, I simply must ask, "Lord, what the Hell am I doing?"

God my body feels like a train wreck this morning.
I really do not feel like driving 9 to 11 hours to go back to Alabama.
Bah.

Foolish Words

My tongue is tired
from being tied up in these investments,
subtle lies I never saw coming
until they blossomed into fruition.

Beginning at this moment's ending
I want to say just
how sick I am
of every falsehood grabbing my heart
and lifting me to despair
just as I begin to fall apart
all over again,
just for words that could never mean...

Crying every tear
and feeling every sigh
I tire of this broken connection
and the static that rips through my mind
with every breath
of this hellish air.

Given wings to fly
I might begin to see
how all of this,
every shred of pain
is from this prison
I built with my hands
and will only die
at the Word of One.

Quote of the Day:

“The price of inaction is far greater than the cost of making a mistake.”
-Meister Eckhart

Was awake enough tonight to watch "The Boondock Saints".

A freaking brilliant film.

Quote of the Day:

“You can judge the quality of their faith from the way they behave. Discipline is an index to doctrine.”
-Tertullian

I can't remember why...

I need help to even be able to think of why I should wake up...why I am fighting.

I feel...I feel...is that part of the problem?
Seeing those who hurt...it's like it is pulled into my soul...

I'm so tired...so tired...

I'm trying to smile but I'm so tired and I ache so badly right now...

Jesus...please do not leave me here with myself as my only companion.

Oie.

So beyond tired and weariness...feeling sick but have been worse...

Not looking to the trip back...I hate driving.

Could be worse I suppose.