Base Elemental

Impression,
feeling and falling.
So many half formed lies
reaching out
to devour sanity
and rearticulate
just what it means to be human.

Frost in the frozen grass cuts
and makes moving out of this place
just more and more difficult
and I'm so sick
of this all being made
and defined
simply by your whims.

There is some logic
some sort of
meaning to be found
but the more I hear
the less I believe
and the more I carry
the harder it is to live today.

I'm ready for it all to catch flame
and burn away.
The temporal burned to its base elements
and so I can see
and be gleeful
and know,
just know
how false
and how pretentious
this facade always was.

I want to know the villian behind the curtain
and see how human evil is,
to see the unseen shadows of my soul
and know the one I'm afraid
is the image on the wall,
the silvery glass
that only shows the lies we show it
and then I can begin to know,
just know how little I know
and start to realize
I am lost.

And what it means
to be stripped down
and have my soul
be freed from this
frozen burden.

I want to know what it is like
to see my soul cut open
and have the bare elements,
the base of who I am
just float to the top.

Every second apart
is killing me
and I loose touch with life
while wanting
to dream
and loose this discord.
While I want to close my eyes
and leave behind strife,
the lies of every commercial
and I want to loose this all.

Loose everything
and sink back into Your arms.

Actual effort takes so much energy.

"To have found You, and still be looking for You,
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chase me."


Looking for and missing the Divine,
to hear the whispers of the Muse
no matter how faint she is
or the distance the news must travel.
Longing to know
to hear
and feel
what it is to be united,
reunited with the feelings
of blissful love.

"And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost

I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain

I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"

Winter Rains

So close
yet so far
every movement forward
is just me falling back
and loosing
just loosing momentum
and hoping on hope
that may never arrive
as I keep falling back
and loosing sight
of every site,
every vista
that once caught my eye.

I'm at a loss for words
as I hear maybes
and less concerting phrases
and I know
I'm getting lost again
in everything
and nothing
all at once.

I would say I could
just sit here all day
letting the red roses blossom
and wither in the cold
just like the beats of my heart
but then I would simply be lying.
My heart is too weak to feel
and I flutter and fall
as I'm shaken by this wind
and all in all
I hoping for hope,
just the barest snatch of freedom
as the wind blows
and rain glistens
as it falls.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
-Dave Barry

Quote of the Day:

“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition”
-Graham Greene

"They want you to be Jesus
They'll go down on one knee
But they'll want their money back
If you're alive at thirty-three
And you're turning tricks
With your crucifix
You're a star"

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm not sure what a song about British/Irish political prisoners and criminals being shipped to Australia during the 19th century has to do with Thanksgiving...but it's a beautiful song all the same.

Hope all of you have a wonderful day.

This is beginning some of my least favorite parts of the year...I enjoy all of it with the exception of the awkwardness of family.

It can be so...sudden...so swift that is steals what joy of the Holidays I had.

I amaze myself at my ability to screw things up in an utterly unfixable sense.

At least I am good at what I do...right?

Jesus?

I don't know if I know You.

I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.

I haven't seen you in a while.

The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.

It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.

I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.

I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...

But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.

And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.

I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.

But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?

Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.

"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

I hate being in pain...and bleeding...and being so clumsy and cuts...and everything...so much pain all over...

Forthcoming Collapse

Weary as the lies
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.

Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.

Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.

Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.

Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.

And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.

It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.

Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.

Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.

My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.

"We're In This Together" - Nine Inch Nails

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Is praying for death all that wrong? Really?

So sleepy...but so worth it to help someone I care about.
Sacrificing for those I love...it is redeeming.

*sigh* 'Up' is such a sad and depressing film.

So tired...borderline annoyed...

Musings on a Muse...just poor words incapable of speaking expectation mixed with the loneliness of the day.

Little Song Bird

Compromise, your name is mine.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.

I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.

Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.

No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.

Being back in this apartment in bizarre...so many...thoughts and memories...

My soul,
oh my soul so tired
so worn down and exhausted.