I amaze myself at my ability to screw things up in an utterly unfixable sense.

At least I am good at what I do...right?

Jesus?

I don't know if I know You.

I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.

I haven't seen you in a while.

The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.

It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.

I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.

I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...

But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.

And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.

I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.

But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?

Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.

"What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"

I hate being in pain...and bleeding...and being so clumsy and cuts...and everything...so much pain all over...

Forthcoming Collapse

Weary as the lies
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.

Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.

Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.

Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.

Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.

And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.

It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.

Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.

Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.

My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.

"We're In This Together" - Nine Inch Nails

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Is praying for death all that wrong? Really?

So sleepy...but so worth it to help someone I care about.
Sacrificing for those I love...it is redeeming.

*sigh* 'Up' is such a sad and depressing film.

So tired...borderline annoyed...

Musings on a Muse...just poor words incapable of speaking expectation mixed with the loneliness of the day.

Little Song Bird

Compromise, your name is mine.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.

I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.

Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.

No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.

Being back in this apartment in bizarre...so many...thoughts and memories...

My soul,
oh my soul so tired
so worn down and exhausted.

Note to self:

Call Dr.Taylor at ten on Monday to see about setting up class schedule.

Nine hours, three classes.

Hooray.

** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **

Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.

TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson



** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **

List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:

English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE

English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--

Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)

Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR

And I'm here...drinking coffee and writing...so tired...but it's nice to be back at someplace that almost...just almost feels like it may be...home.

Sick again.

My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.

Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.

I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.

I feel like crap.

But I'm excited.

So yes.

I will finish dressing, finish packing and cast my lots to the wind and pray to God my freaking car doesn't explode in route.

I feel as though I were the one that fell down a flight of stairs.
I am going to need an obscene amount of caffeine to survive the drive down.

Hmm...

A phone call.

I'm feeling so overloaded.
I want to crash and fall down,
just simply explode
and let my inner thoughts burn outside
as they have seared my mind.

I can't tell if what I am onto is something...or just plain insanity.

Oh well...

"Love is Blindness" - U2

"Who Wants to Live Forever?" - Queen