One year and ten months later I find 95% of my collection of Hallmark Star Wars ornaments.
The Star Wars Christmas tree shall live again this year after going AWOL last year!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
God I hate pictures that remind me of the seemingly infinite grand nature of my failures.
The tears I'm crying feel pointless just like so much of my inescapable destiny when it comes to destroying lives and hurting people.
I'm damned to wander this world with the impossible scope of having to wonder at the very nature of my soul and what it means to cause pain.
If I wanted to express every layer of my doubt...I would ask if I was already dead and stuck in a purgatory I never believed in. It was bad enough having to return home but then to develop the intense feeling of my insides on fire as being the only heat to warm my soul at night...I wonder at my level of sanity and how long before I might find reprieve.
I'm wandering across this vastless wasteland and I do not understand how people have hope, what they are living for. I have the hope of Christ which is the only thing keeping me from ending my life sooner...how do people walk without God loving them and they knowing they were being held up?
I curse the day of my birth as being one of the manifestation of death and the realization that every human is imperfect and I am the crown jewel of that disgusting fact.
I'm a diseased and rotting bag of flesh that holds a soul.
Christ have mercy and end this farce before anymore innocent people are hurt by Your most beloved bastard son.
The tears I'm crying feel pointless just like so much of my inescapable destiny when it comes to destroying lives and hurting people.
I'm damned to wander this world with the impossible scope of having to wonder at the very nature of my soul and what it means to cause pain.
If I wanted to express every layer of my doubt...I would ask if I was already dead and stuck in a purgatory I never believed in. It was bad enough having to return home but then to develop the intense feeling of my insides on fire as being the only heat to warm my soul at night...I wonder at my level of sanity and how long before I might find reprieve.
I'm wandering across this vastless wasteland and I do not understand how people have hope, what they are living for. I have the hope of Christ which is the only thing keeping me from ending my life sooner...how do people walk without God loving them and they knowing they were being held up?
I curse the day of my birth as being one of the manifestation of death and the realization that every human is imperfect and I am the crown jewel of that disgusting fact.
I'm a diseased and rotting bag of flesh that holds a soul.
Christ have mercy and end this farce before anymore innocent people are hurt by Your most beloved bastard son.
Jesus you have a strange sense of humor.
Distance is confusing...are you just screwing with the numbers right now because I'm so tired and am having trouble thinking?
I'm free for lunch tomorrow if you are, if you aren't too busy it would be good to see You for once and get a hug...I won't take up too much time...I just...need help to be able to give help.
Give me the strength I never had.
Distance is confusing...are you just screwing with the numbers right now because I'm so tired and am having trouble thinking?
I'm free for lunch tomorrow if you are, if you aren't too busy it would be good to see You for once and get a hug...I won't take up too much time...I just...need help to be able to give help.
Give me the strength I never had.
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
"How extraordinarily stupid it is to defend Christianity, how little knowledge of humanity it betrays, how it connives if only unconsciously with offence by making Christianity out to be some miserable object that in the end must be rescued by a defence. It is therefore certain and true that the person who first thought of defending Christianity is de facto a Judas No. 2; he too betrays with a kiss, except his treason is that of stupidity. To defend something is always to discredit it."
-Søren Kierkegaard
-Søren Kierkegaard
Quote of the Day:
"Worldly wisdom thinks that love is a relationship between man and man. Christianity teaches that love is a relationship between: man-God-man, that is, that God is the middle term."
-Søren Kierkegaard
-Søren Kierkegaard
Friday, October 16, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"We know too much, and are convinced of too little. Our literature is a substitute for religion, and so is our religion."
-T. S. Eliot
-T. S. Eliot
Forever in Timed
Uncertainty is seemingly always certain,
regardless of how contrived
that may seem.
Beauty strives in originality
but is always seen in the redeemed
in how everything will be remade.
A good, good day to you
and a fair and beautiful night
as we all drift
as we glide
sliding along
on these fragile wings of hope.
The future is coming along
at a frightening pace
and it's hard to say hello
even at the best of times
because I feel
I'm lacking in grace
and I just want to cry.
The morning is coming
so it's the right time
to just dry your eyes
wiping away ever tear
and just forever
try to forget
just this fear.
Expectations inevitably arise
and fall
and believe as they will.
But to hope is precious
as it is fleeting
and so quick to flee
as we dance across our time.
regardless of how contrived
that may seem.
Beauty strives in originality
but is always seen in the redeemed
in how everything will be remade.
A good, good day to you
and a fair and beautiful night
as we all drift
as we glide
sliding along
on these fragile wings of hope.
The future is coming along
at a frightening pace
and it's hard to say hello
even at the best of times
because I feel
I'm lacking in grace
and I just want to cry.
The morning is coming
so it's the right time
to just dry your eyes
wiping away ever tear
and just forever
try to forget
just this fear.
Expectations inevitably arise
and fall
and believe as they will.
But to hope is precious
as it is fleeting
and so quick to flee
as we dance across our time.
Good morning
A beautiful song for what I deem to be a beautiful day.
Smile, we live today and tomorrow we will be swept up into God's presence...today is a gift and although my hypocrisy runs deep...the beauty of Love outshines our weakness.
Smile for today is but a beginning of so much more.
Smile, we live today and tomorrow we will be swept up into God's presence...today is a gift and although my hypocrisy runs deep...the beauty of Love outshines our weakness.
Smile for today is but a beginning of so much more.
Unspoken Domain
I'm looking, looking for something.
Feeling for something new
hoping for something old.
Knowing I'm going
and when I'm going
I'll be gone
so far gone from here
that I'll never need to hear
or stop to feel
what it meant to be
standing in the shoes
not sure of where I fall
or where this expanse is becoming.
The fact I'm an adult is terrifying.
I was told this was to be mine
and I don't even know
know what that means anymore.
Was I born here for purpose?
Born here for reason?
This isn't the land of my fathers
for that is a place I don't even know of.
I'm hoping to hope
and praying for more
for all this is going to be
is leading to places I've never seen.
I'll follow
but never pretend
or act like I am the one to lead
because
this isn't my story,
it never was
nor could it be
for I was created
and born
made to inhabit
this space and time
and so I shall
until the call Home
and everything
is brought together
in one accord
and onto one knee.
Feeling for something new
hoping for something old.
Knowing I'm going
and when I'm going
I'll be gone
so far gone from here
that I'll never need to hear
or stop to feel
what it meant to be
standing in the shoes
not sure of where I fall
or where this expanse is becoming.
The fact I'm an adult is terrifying.
I was told this was to be mine
and I don't even know
know what that means anymore.
Was I born here for purpose?
Born here for reason?
This isn't the land of my fathers
for that is a place I don't even know of.
I'm hoping to hope
and praying for more
for all this is going to be
is leading to places I've never seen.
I'll follow
but never pretend
or act like I am the one to lead
because
this isn't my story,
it never was
nor could it be
for I was created
and born
made to inhabit
this space and time
and so I shall
until the call Home
and everything
is brought together
in one accord
and onto one knee.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
God I hate being so...sentimental and holding on to everything...I just stumbled across some mementos my grandmother left me after she died...God it hurts so freaking bad.
"Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?"
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Spartan"
"Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?"
-Five Iron Frenzy, "Spartan"
A Journey Through Your Mind and Soul
Being the king of this trash heap, I can get anything I see my eyes on.
I can win the dreams of impossibility but the one real, tangible, practical and necessarily unnecessary thing I cannot find.
I do not ask for much but much is given.
I simply speak and kings bow.
I stand and riches are handed.
But of the eternal?
Of the everlasting?
So often it is naught to be found in this.
What am I to become?
My hands are weak and my soul thirsts.
Where are you?
Where did you traverse?
On what plane must I travel to see you?
I can speak in alien tongues, sing the songs of elves and birds but still without You I lack.
Where is this fountain I seek?
Where is this intoxication of love?
Is it a myth or mere misconception of the fool?
I traverse this wasteland, I hunger and thirst while looking for You.
I have memorized thousands of lines that I recite by night as I wander by day.
The moon is my mistress, the stars my hand servants and the sun my adversary.
My body aches, not from the leagues I have traversed but from those yet to come.
Not the sacrifices I have made but that the absolute worst is yet to come.
I seek the face of one who has looked away, that no longer sees me as me but merely me as at caricature.
At some point things traversed to a point of no understanding and now we are both left with an ever increasing chasm between us.
I'm walking through this desert wasteland, not searching for water but chasing phantoms. I see the marks in the sand, the fire pits and the evidence that my quarry is in fact human or at least prefers to make me think of it as such.
Shades of the past, a spectrum of color and belittled hope.
What of this drought of hope?
Sincerity or lies to cleverly disguise what is fraught?
I can win the dreams of impossibility but the one real, tangible, practical and necessarily unnecessary thing I cannot find.
I do not ask for much but much is given.
I simply speak and kings bow.
I stand and riches are handed.
But of the eternal?
Of the everlasting?
So often it is naught to be found in this.
What am I to become?
My hands are weak and my soul thirsts.
Where are you?
Where did you traverse?
On what plane must I travel to see you?
I can speak in alien tongues, sing the songs of elves and birds but still without You I lack.
Where is this fountain I seek?
Where is this intoxication of love?
Is it a myth or mere misconception of the fool?
I traverse this wasteland, I hunger and thirst while looking for You.
I have memorized thousands of lines that I recite by night as I wander by day.
The moon is my mistress, the stars my hand servants and the sun my adversary.
My body aches, not from the leagues I have traversed but from those yet to come.
Not the sacrifices I have made but that the absolute worst is yet to come.
I seek the face of one who has looked away, that no longer sees me as me but merely me as at caricature.
At some point things traversed to a point of no understanding and now we are both left with an ever increasing chasm between us.
I'm walking through this desert wasteland, not searching for water but chasing phantoms. I see the marks in the sand, the fire pits and the evidence that my quarry is in fact human or at least prefers to make me think of it as such.
Shades of the past, a spectrum of color and belittled hope.
What of this drought of hope?
Sincerity or lies to cleverly disguise what is fraught?
Quote of the Day:
"The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more."
-Donald Miller
-Donald Miller
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