"I just spent all morning watching a VH1 special on Gwen Stefani. I don't know what a Hollaback girl is. All I know is that I want her dead."
-Brian, Family Guy

Temporal loss of sanity...

So much for food.

Resonating Reasoning

It is moments of introspection...when I can pause for deep inward focus reflection that I just have to question what it is I've been doing all these years...so many years it feels like.

Not that everything is bad mind you...I just feel so tightly wound up that I don't even know what is going on.

Then I stop to take a breath and realize how ridiculous life is, how improbable it is that any of us should even be here, remember how far I've managed to come and just have to be thankful I'm still alive.

There is no other moment than the now...unless of course you subscribe to quantum physics and in that case every moment exists simultaneously...and side by side in the ever increasingly bizarre expanding universe we have.

That aside...it's nice to breath.

I have no idea about why I do some of the stupid stuff I do...but for now it is just enough to be loved and to cherish this breath of oxygen.

I might even brave eating a little food.

Oxygen is nice...passing out not so nice.

"Hey, you with the pretty face
Welcome to the human race, a celebration
Mr. Blue Sky's up there waitin', and today
Is the day we've waited for, oh, oh, oh"

I see my future and it will involve Daft Punk, Stephen King and abdominal pain.

Which one of these three is not like the other?

The world is passing on...but I'm not going with it.

I haven't decided if this is a good or a bad thing.

It is not the end of the world...but it hurts bad enough that it...feels like it may be.

You know?

I'm about a dozen feet below rock bottom right now.

The Matrix Reloaded = nostalgia and reminders of how much I miss Mega City...Nin never got to shoot at the Merv...a pity...

Why yes I do want a fatal illness plushie...

http://news.aol.com/article/cdc-gift-shop-sells-swine-flu-toy/652552

So much for getting out of the house and seeing a best friend. =/
Crikey...I'm hurting so much I've cried...this is getting ridiculous.

I'm really starting to hate this useless and sick body.

Why?

Seriously...why?

Exhausted but cannot sleep.

The Odyssey Made Easy

http://geocities.com/organisedchaosau/OdysseusNostos.html

"Naked Lunch" - Showbread

I want to throw up, but for now I hold back
I can’t express just how I’m feeling, its true
You want to grow up, but there’s a problem with that
There’s no where to go for someone who’s as stunted as you
Its true that I’m disgusted with myself as well
My tongue can not be tamed
It’s on a fire straight from hell
I eat the dirt you kick up, and flaw the chord that resonates
A gentle word I can not find a way to enunciate

You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day

Still your voice, pump your stomach
Set the garbage free
Oh I know you don’t get drunk
You just drink socially
Your reasons are all invalids, they can’t stand up
And when you talk I hear the brain cells die
So keep your mouth shut
I didn’t wake up to find myself as a bug
I’ve been one for much longer than I care to recall
I’m not a junkie lost in interzone or under the rug
I just eat the bug powder then I climb up the wall

You make me, you make me oh so sick
Oh so sick
You make me, yeah you know you make me
Sick, sick, sick I get sicker every day

God, enough is enough.

No more posts on this day.

There was good and bad but good riddance.

Yes to you as well.

Goodnight and if anyone needs me I'll be pretending to sleep while having a cat claw at me for daring to sleep in my own bed.

Vague Reconstruction

I pour myself out into this dead wood, why?
Tears to be and tears to cry
Meaningless verbs meaning we should.
Should have and never would have been.

And what is this?
What of this?

We are passing and fading into this endless void,
streams of crimson life emptying
repeating an endless cycle
reminiscing of what it means to live and lie.

Red skies,
dark clouds,
bleeding eyes
and this proud clod.

I give you this hand and this lie
holding back my hand while watching life
and everything just fall into order
and everyone is hoping for something better.

We're all hoping for the best
and we'll be passed over
when the time comes
pain flows and it feels like a test
but really all we have is each other
and it never was enough.

Enough, enough.
We say these words with vain repetition
not realizing the hope we hold in hand
and the mindless self indulging it takes
to hold onto hope at night.
Holding on while loosing blood,
loosing self and making this mistake
mistaking it as being chronically okay
to believe in mediocrity.

Battered shell holding hope,
it stands and remains.
No broken sword
or swollen vessel bursting
can remove this shining glimmer,
this burning fragment
holding up your soul.

The problem has always been choice
and this matter is no different.
But by differential digression
we've arrived here.
Enough of this charade
and enough of clutching this pity
and sardonically embracing pain.

I bring this burnt husk to you
asking to be healed.
Reminiscent of bird songs
and the hope of blue skies.
True I have always been unfaithful,
mine has been the life of deception
the mask of Judas.
But here we stand,
two hearts and souls entwined.
My First Love as has been before time,
before this crime
before my fallacy
and the decay of my soul.
You loved me, just loved me.

Take this battered and broken soul
held in this hollow husk.
Make of it what You will,
craft as only You might.
Make of it as You will
for Your love outlives my darkest night.

Some Music to Write and Live For

The more I think about it...consider the fallacies of this...it's empty...so vain and reminiscent of all that I hate about this world.

How do things...thoughts, relations, concepts...all of this break apart...and then it is irrelevant to cohesive thoughts...it's circular...nay? Running like circular logic...poor metaphors involving cages and wheels.

"Issues (Think About It)" - Flight of the Conchords

...Avast has been scanning for almost 48 hours...that is odd.

I'm also...stressed...God I don't know what is exactly wrong...maybe it's the medication not working like it should yet...or something. Just so freaking restless...and nauseated and wishing I could wipe things out and start again...

As fun as panic attacks are...I'll pass...really I will...