Thursday, August 27, 2009
It's the small things really...
I happen to find it awesome that I was the last person to post on Data Node One before it was locked.
Yes!
Bask in my awesome forum posting skills world!
Bask I say!
Yes!
Bask in my awesome forum posting skills world!
Bask I say!
Hrmmm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kingdom_of_God_Is_Within_You
http://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-God-Within-You/dp/1604594063/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251406110&sr=8-1
http://books.google.com/books?id=qKq4MNK6Gb4C&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+kingdom++of+God+is+within+you+Leo+Tolstoy&ei=zfGWSoeIEI3AygS_6-j9Dg#v=onepage&q=&f=false
http://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-God-Within-You/dp/1604594063/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251406110&sr=8-1
http://books.google.com/books?id=qKq4MNK6Gb4C&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+kingdom++of+God+is+within+you+Leo+Tolstoy&ei=zfGWSoeIEI3AygS_6-j9Dg#v=onepage&q=&f=false
Tolkien on Anarchism
Just recently rediscovered this quote:
“My political opinions lean more and more to Anarchy (philosophically understood, meaning the abolition of control not whiskered men with bombs) — or to ‘unconstitutional’ Monarchy. I would arrest anybody who uses the word State (in any sense other than the inaminate real of England and its inhabitants, a thing that has neither power, rights nor mind); and after a chance of recantation, execute them if they remained obstinate! If we could go back to personal names, it would do a lot of good. Government is an abstract noun meaning the art and process of governing and it should be an offence to write it with a capital G or so to refer to people. […] Anyway the proper study of Man is anything but Man; and the most improper job of any many, even saints (who at any rate were at least unwilling to take it on), is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity. At least it is done only to a small group of men who know who their master is. The mediaevals were only too right in taking nolo episcopari as the best reason a man could give to others for making him a bishop. Grant me a king whose chief interest in life is stamps, railways, or race-horses; and who has the power to sack his Vizier (or whatever you dare call him) if he does not like the cut of his trousers. And so on down the line. But, of course, the fatal weakness of all that — after all only the fatal weakness of all good natural things in a bad corrupt unnatural world — is that it works and has only worked when all the world is messing along in the same good old inefficient human way. […] There is only one bright spot and that is the growing habit of disgruntled men of dynamating factories and power-stations; I hope that, encouraged now as ‘patriotism’, may remain a habit! But it won’t do any good, if it is not universal”
From
J. R. R. Tolkien. The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien. ed. Humphrey Carpenter (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1981), 63 -4.
http://activism.suite101.com/article.cfm/anarchy_in_jrr_tolkiens_the_lord_of_the_ring
http://hnn.us/blogs/entries/2737.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarchism_and_violence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_anarchism
“My political opinions lean more and more to Anarchy (philosophically understood, meaning the abolition of control not whiskered men with bombs) — or to ‘unconstitutional’ Monarchy. I would arrest anybody who uses the word State (in any sense other than the inaminate real of England and its inhabitants, a thing that has neither power, rights nor mind); and after a chance of recantation, execute them if they remained obstinate! If we could go back to personal names, it would do a lot of good. Government is an abstract noun meaning the art and process of governing and it should be an offence to write it with a capital G or so to refer to people. […] Anyway the proper study of Man is anything but Man; and the most improper job of any many, even saints (who at any rate were at least unwilling to take it on), is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity. At least it is done only to a small group of men who know who their master is. The mediaevals were only too right in taking nolo episcopari as the best reason a man could give to others for making him a bishop. Grant me a king whose chief interest in life is stamps, railways, or race-horses; and who has the power to sack his Vizier (or whatever you dare call him) if he does not like the cut of his trousers. And so on down the line. But, of course, the fatal weakness of all that — after all only the fatal weakness of all good natural things in a bad corrupt unnatural world — is that it works and has only worked when all the world is messing along in the same good old inefficient human way. […] There is only one bright spot and that is the growing habit of disgruntled men of dynamating factories and power-stations; I hope that, encouraged now as ‘patriotism’, may remain a habit! But it won’t do any good, if it is not universal”
From
J. R. R. Tolkien. The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien. ed. Humphrey Carpenter (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1981), 63 -4.
http://activism.suite101.com/article.cfm/anarchy_in_jrr_tolkiens_the_lord_of_the_ring
http://hnn.us/blogs/entries/2737.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarchism_and_violence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_anarchism
Straw Man
I am made of straw and dry leaf
made to never last.
I am made to catch and burn
here today and then I pass.
Feeble limbs and fluff for brain
the lines I speak I was simply fed.
Lame I hang here lips uttering the inane
and I have not yet fled.
And I have not yet fled.
made to never last.
I am made to catch and burn
here today and then I pass.
Feeble limbs and fluff for brain
the lines I speak I was simply fed.
Lame I hang here lips uttering the inane
and I have not yet fled.
And I have not yet fled.
"Blessed are the meek who shall inherit
The throes of death for all their merit
The right to stumble, to fail and perish
Doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
You hide behind your broken wings
Your dreams are all for better things
And in the dark we climb this slope
Cause the bravest thing of all is always hope
Goodbye, goodbye"
The throes of death for all their merit
The right to stumble, to fail and perish
Doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
You hide behind your broken wings
Your dreams are all for better things
And in the dark we climb this slope
Cause the bravest thing of all is always hope
Goodbye, goodbye"
Revised
Earlier it felt like I was falling, now that I've had time to breath I think everything is alright.
Alright as it can be...with my confusion, my pain, my...well there are a hundred thousand equally painful things.
What matters is I'm choosing, this moment, to breath.
There is an infinite combination of reasons to lay down and give up. There is an innumerable excuses and complaints I could log...but there is no solid point.
It's bad, can be really bad but it's not bad enough to just quit.
Pushing myself to bike about 25 minutes a day...about seven miles give or take...feeling the pain...this is a necessity.
Pain in this live is unavoidable.
It can either temper your body and soul, give strength, or it can destroy you.
Pain is inescapable.
Pain and the abscess thereof, are how we define our lives, how we give meaning and justification. We strive to avoid, to ignore, to neglect and run from.
But it's only in staring this bastard child of the Fall down that we begin to see who we really are. We can cry out at the injustice, at the pain and in disbelief. Or we can blindly charge in and die remembering what it means to be free and true to our nature, our created being.
Maybe this is still thinking negative...that the fight is inevitable, the break down of the body will happen...it'll be horrifying and painful. The only choice we have in the matter is how we face the Dark when it comes. Heads held high in pride or low in shame and regret.
I have an obligation to God, to family, to friends...to Love...to push my body and make it heal, make it shape, make it obey. I don't know how long my heart has, or my brain, my lungs or how intense the electrical nerves will blast before all is said and done...but I'm tired of running.
Of hiding behind this mask of my own design.
Maybe I'm not, maybe I'm seeing things only as I will so that I have hope...or maybe I'm starting to finally believe in choice.
Alright as it can be...with my confusion, my pain, my...well there are a hundred thousand equally painful things.
What matters is I'm choosing, this moment, to breath.
There is an infinite combination of reasons to lay down and give up. There is an innumerable excuses and complaints I could log...but there is no solid point.
It's bad, can be really bad but it's not bad enough to just quit.
Pushing myself to bike about 25 minutes a day...about seven miles give or take...feeling the pain...this is a necessity.
Pain in this live is unavoidable.
It can either temper your body and soul, give strength, or it can destroy you.
Pain is inescapable.
Pain and the abscess thereof, are how we define our lives, how we give meaning and justification. We strive to avoid, to ignore, to neglect and run from.
But it's only in staring this bastard child of the Fall down that we begin to see who we really are. We can cry out at the injustice, at the pain and in disbelief. Or we can blindly charge in and die remembering what it means to be free and true to our nature, our created being.
Maybe this is still thinking negative...that the fight is inevitable, the break down of the body will happen...it'll be horrifying and painful. The only choice we have in the matter is how we face the Dark when it comes. Heads held high in pride or low in shame and regret.
I have an obligation to God, to family, to friends...to Love...to push my body and make it heal, make it shape, make it obey. I don't know how long my heart has, or my brain, my lungs or how intense the electrical nerves will blast before all is said and done...but I'm tired of running.
Of hiding behind this mask of my own design.
Maybe I'm not, maybe I'm seeing things only as I will so that I have hope...or maybe I'm starting to finally believe in choice.
I'm not supposed to worry today...I was told to check it at the door and do my best to just relax...other people are feeling the large amounts of stress with everything else going on.
I'm okay I think.
The more I try to remember what hit me last night...the more difficult it is to grasp it. Mentally I'm a little scattered because I'm running out on medication and I'm having to split it...doctors are being annoying and won't keep giving me the stuff they have it on.
How do I find these guys?
The good news is that I've been given several leads on doctors.
Hmm I'll write more later...must go...
I'm okay I think.
The more I try to remember what hit me last night...the more difficult it is to grasp it. Mentally I'm a little scattered because I'm running out on medication and I'm having to split it...doctors are being annoying and won't keep giving me the stuff they have it on.
How do I find these guys?
The good news is that I've been given several leads on doctors.
Hmm I'll write more later...must go...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
It's impossible for me to pick a favorite U2 album...but Achtung Baby is helping me quite a bit right now...
"Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again"
"Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again"
Honestly
I am lying when I say I'm okay.
That I am feeling great and that the pain isn't so bad today.
But I think it's a lie that will save my life.
One of the more bizarre, yet practical, things C.S. Lewis wrote about in 'Mere Christianity' is how if we have trouble loving someone then we should pretend that we do. We should make ourselves act like we love them and eventually out mind and heart will follow suite.
For better or for worse I'm trying to apply that to my situation...I'm going to keep pushing for all the medical treatment I can get, continual exercising, doing everything I can to eat better and maybe even figure out how to sleep at night.
However I will be saying I feel better.
That I have hope about the future and I'm excited about the non particular future plans of which I have.
It's lie too but it's an EXCITING lie.
How often do I get to say that?
I'm a dirty, rotten, sinful liar and I just giggled about it.
Screw you logic! I'm in pain but I'm feeling better! I am to the point I'm going to stab the next doctor that refuses to give me pain medication...but I'll stab them with a smile!
Yes!
Fibromyalgia my *inset appropriate profanity laced euphemism*!
If this is the WORST then I laugh.
Yes at you disease.
If this is the worse it can get then I am sad my body can't punish me more.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep much these days?
#_#
That I am feeling great and that the pain isn't so bad today.
But I think it's a lie that will save my life.
One of the more bizarre, yet practical, things C.S. Lewis wrote about in 'Mere Christianity' is how if we have trouble loving someone then we should pretend that we do. We should make ourselves act like we love them and eventually out mind and heart will follow suite.
For better or for worse I'm trying to apply that to my situation...I'm going to keep pushing for all the medical treatment I can get, continual exercising, doing everything I can to eat better and maybe even figure out how to sleep at night.
However I will be saying I feel better.
That I have hope about the future and I'm excited about the non particular future plans of which I have.
It's lie too but it's an EXCITING lie.
How often do I get to say that?
I'm a dirty, rotten, sinful liar and I just giggled about it.
Screw you logic! I'm in pain but I'm feeling better! I am to the point I'm going to stab the next doctor that refuses to give me pain medication...but I'll stab them with a smile!
Yes!
Fibromyalgia my *inset appropriate profanity laced euphemism*!
If this is the WORST then I laugh.
Yes at you disease.
If this is the worse it can get then I am sad my body can't punish me more.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep much these days?
#_#
Drought of Living Death
It's funny who you will hear from when you least expect it.
Jesus, what the Hell am I doing messing with this stuff? I'm not playing with fire...I'm sitting in gasoline and trying to strike the match.
Are you still a God of peace? Purpose? Understanding? The Infinite One who is not bound by the limitations of flesh and broken spirit?
Speak to me please.
What am I supposed to do now? What step do I take to get out of this disgusting tar?
I'm tired of feeling my heart slip out of my chest and getting caught by the rapid changing world...I can't take much more of this jerking back and forth.
Helter skelter, from the top to the bottom back to the top again...I keep falling down this path and I hate it.
I hate it.
God I hate this flesh and wish it would burn away. How can I accept failure when it burns like a cancer I want to cut out? When it sinks further into my heart twisting me into this ugly caricature that looks so much like you?
I hate this heart, I hate this mind and I hate this body.
What You made was made good but now it's ugly.
Just like you.
"That thing inside my ribs is like a pile of reptiles,
Pressed on splintered vertebrae, so cold, so claustrophobic,
Echoing in hollow fruit are orders sent with love to you,
To serve a will more shallow still than paramecium
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly and it’s true,
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But with world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you
Invertebrates now contemplate your lavishing and humble service,
All set to hide behind the guise that this empty thing can’t hurt us,
Sensationalized for virgin eyes, it’s graphic, it’s disturbing,
And it’s worse still to think it’s real,
Degrading and unnerving"
-Showbread, "Welcome to Plainfield Tobe Hooper"
Let the bones crack as I scream out this song
when all I ever wanted was to see Your face.
The beauty I forgot.
The majesty I never knew.
I'm so tired.
It has been so many years.
How do people push on in this planet?
It is so dry, so ugly and barren. Nothing like the home we never knew we may have left.
Two years of sitting here.
Two years of feeling my flesh rot
and my soul decay.
Two years of the same song
and two years of no relief.
Am I coming full circle
or just realizing I'm trapped in Hell?
I hate this prison that I've made.
This has to die now.
Every last painful moment,
everything I have been afraid of,
every wall I have built
and ever hidden sin.
I'm full of more lies, more deceit and more hypocrisy then I could ever know...but where this Hell has burned away there is growing hope. Flourishing in the pain, there is a revival coming.
A revealing.
This skin will be peeled back and what is underneath shall be shone. No more false pretension, no more hollow words and more deceit.
Everything I ever was shall be seen and I'll stand here naked, letting the flaws of my life be revealed. I can't hid from myself forever...because the cracks and here and are growing by the second.
There is no end.
There has never been an end.
Just a transition from this point, this life to the next.
Beauty redefined in the face of light
Jesus, what the Hell am I doing messing with this stuff? I'm not playing with fire...I'm sitting in gasoline and trying to strike the match.
Are you still a God of peace? Purpose? Understanding? The Infinite One who is not bound by the limitations of flesh and broken spirit?
Speak to me please.
What am I supposed to do now? What step do I take to get out of this disgusting tar?
I'm tired of feeling my heart slip out of my chest and getting caught by the rapid changing world...I can't take much more of this jerking back and forth.
Helter skelter, from the top to the bottom back to the top again...I keep falling down this path and I hate it.
I hate it.
God I hate this flesh and wish it would burn away. How can I accept failure when it burns like a cancer I want to cut out? When it sinks further into my heart twisting me into this ugly caricature that looks so much like you?
I hate this heart, I hate this mind and I hate this body.
What You made was made good but now it's ugly.
Just like you.
"That thing inside my ribs is like a pile of reptiles,
Pressed on splintered vertebrae, so cold, so claustrophobic,
Echoing in hollow fruit are orders sent with love to you,
To serve a will more shallow still than paramecium
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly and it’s true,
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But with world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you
Invertebrates now contemplate your lavishing and humble service,
All set to hide behind the guise that this empty thing can’t hurt us,
Sensationalized for virgin eyes, it’s graphic, it’s disturbing,
And it’s worse still to think it’s real,
Degrading and unnerving"
-Showbread, "Welcome to Plainfield Tobe Hooper"
Let the bones crack as I scream out this song
when all I ever wanted was to see Your face.
The beauty I forgot.
The majesty I never knew.
I'm so tired.
It has been so many years.
How do people push on in this planet?
It is so dry, so ugly and barren. Nothing like the home we never knew we may have left.
Two years of sitting here.
Two years of feeling my flesh rot
and my soul decay.
Two years of the same song
and two years of no relief.
Am I coming full circle
or just realizing I'm trapped in Hell?
I hate this prison that I've made.
This has to die now.
Every last painful moment,
everything I have been afraid of,
every wall I have built
and ever hidden sin.
I'm full of more lies, more deceit and more hypocrisy then I could ever know...but where this Hell has burned away there is growing hope. Flourishing in the pain, there is a revival coming.
A revealing.
This skin will be peeled back and what is underneath shall be shone. No more false pretension, no more hollow words and more deceit.
Everything I ever was shall be seen and I'll stand here naked, letting the flaws of my life be revealed. I can't hid from myself forever...because the cracks and here and are growing by the second.
There is no end.
There has never been an end.
Just a transition from this point, this life to the next.
Beauty redefined in the face of light
Monday, August 24, 2009
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