I feel...worse.

Yeah that didn't help much.

Amazing how my disdain for all those things can't even attempt to reach my disdain of myself...

And you wonder why I refuse to eat pork...?

Reading this about made me sick:

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/12840743/porks_dirty_secret_the_nations_top_hog_producer_is_also_one_of_americas_worst_polluters/1

Speaking of Rwanda...

http://donmilleris.com/2009/08/24/another-great-story-out-of-rwanda/

Christian Fiction

Okay.

A common question I get is since I enjoy writing, I want to be a writer and I am a Christian minister person thingy...why don't I write Christian fiction?

To be honest I find most Christian fiction to be uninspiring and boring at best, at its absolute worst it is merely a Harlequin romance novel rewritten with 'Christian' themes.

One of the principles that has guided my hand in both the creative and practical realm is that I have no desire to 'sell' or make a profit from Jesus. I have a very low threshold when it comes to dealing with anyone who reeks of being a televangelist...which is why I try so desperately to push away from those stereotypes and behaviors. And with the exception of a general feeling like I am an underachiever I feel that I have done a good job in that respect...I have nothing to really hide from and inevitably when some controversy will arise I have no desire to pin my worth as a human being (much less that of a Christian) on the equally fallible thoughts of other people.

The same disdain I have for the Christian music industry is the same I have for the Christian writing industry. There is an appalling lack of artistic innovation and an unnerving amount of cookie cutter clones that do nothing except beat the same tired horse time after time.

How is this supposed to be representative of how I feel about God and Jesus? If I can't take the time to write out and express my own vivid and unique understanding of this...thing...how will people begin to take it seriously? Sloppy and shameless copying do nothing except have a horrible reek, which is a fancy way of saying the chief concern is that of money.

That said, I can chase these ghosts forever. Talking about how tired I am of false pretense, the abuse of cliches and rail against the unjust splitting of infinitives which did nothing to warrant the splitting thereof...but it just becomes a mass of hot air after awhile.

What is it I have interest in writing?

I'm still working on that modern fantasy series that has been in my head for years. I keep using NANOWRIMO as an excuse to finally get down to the nitty gritty and start trying to put it into some logical order but writing is such an unbearably annoying process.

I enjoy looking at the finished work but it is the slugging it out, fighting to find words, struggling to find the least possible appalling metaphor that can get disheartening. I do not know how much untold hours I have spent just staring at a blank page almost overwhelmed by the possibilities of what could be.

There are themes I am interested in pursuing, themes that are quite Christian but I do not feel the need to 'baptize' everything I touch in the current Christian lingo and make everything other statement be about personal relationships with Jesus.

I want to find real artistic integrity and be able to write freely without feeling these group think (but still self imposed) limitations about what is Christian, what can be art and what can be used for good.

I think I need to have coffee with Holden Caulfield sometime later this week...

"The Receiving End of It All" - Streetlight Manifesto

What's in a name?

"Matt - personal name meaning that object you place in doorways for people to walk on and clean their feet on in order that they may not dirty the rest of the house. They are useful for walking on, wiping shoes on and beating with a stick to get dirt off of them."

Gee thank you for your positive spin internet.

Where would I be without you?

Mondays, I Hate Mondays...

I do not like food...regardless of what I eat it feels like my stomach is on fire...my inside have liquid metal burning through them.

I refuse to believe in there being balance in karma...unless of course I'm being used as a whipping boy for other people's stomach sins.

I've just got to find a way to get calories and nutrients and cut everything else out. Maybe that will help reduce the searing pain...right now I'm just stuck in bed...my mind a growing source of unrest and ill at ease thoughts.

I'm not sitting here waiting on a change to find me...I just would like for the world to stop spinning long enough for me to stand up.

I have some optimistic thoughts...high thoughts of hope...maybe even of feeling loved...but for now I am just going to play those close to my chest. I don't want my heart escaping out on its own and running about with no restraint...freedom is an illusion...because it is more of a choice of who/what we shackle ourselves to...but the shackling can be good.



Is this going to be it?

Think carefully before you speak.

My mind and heart are in fragile states of denial, one small push and I might start believing again, almost as if none of this ever did exist.

Is time still a problem?
How about metaphysical boundaries?
The problem of self actualization?
How about realizing that being is not necessarily being?
It's a simple as knowing when a door is not a door...and that is when it is simply just ajar.

That simple riddle goes a long way in explaining everything to do with you.

Nothing and everything at the same time.

It's just that important.

Understanding Logical Fallacies

http://www.csun.edu/~dgw61315/fallacies.html

I just...don't know.

Love

God I am starting to hate this word.

Love.

I don't think there has been a single word featured in the English language that has been so misunderstood, so neglected, to misused, abused, treated like rubbish and then it is still somehow supposed to be this magical solution to all the problems.

I hate hearing it, I hate feeling it and I hate experiencing it.

I should preface this angry rant by saying I'm exhausted, I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm hopeful, I'm reluctant to believe, I'm hoping, I'm desiring, I'm in need...so needy and here I am; all of these nerve cells, brain chemicals and mix of failures combined into one person.

I feel a bit like John Lennon in the song 'God' just going on and on about what I don't believe in...and I'm saying how angry it makes me. My problems began with being short changed while a child and still I haven't moved on. It's like every pain and hurt has just settled in and is building a wall...a brick wall to keep everything else out.

A large portion of me just wants to cut everything out and everyone off and just find a way to go at it alone...to shoulder the pain and just die blissfully alone and without having to hear another annoying voice express concern or tell me I am valuable.

It hurt so much to love and be loved...the worse is how Jesus refuses to stop...no matter how much I beg to be alone He is here. Loving me more by the moment then I ever thought possible.

I'm my own worse enemy and I don't even have the strength right now to really care.

Maybe my brain will just be wiped when I go to sleep and when I wake up the pain will have stopped...or maybe it'll be worse. Maybe everything and nothing will both happen at the same time.

The miracle will not be me being healed...but me giving a damn when this is all said and done. Apathy is so richly intoxicating and hard to say no to.

I hate feeling alone, jealous and confused. Over what?

I don't even know...

I don't know how much more of this I can take. *sigh*

So many thoughts and emotions at once...I'm so upset...and tired...and hurting.

Physical, emotional, mental pains...all just wrapped up in one neat annoying package.

I almost want to throw up to get the taste of it all out of my mouth.

If at all possible I need to stop slamming my head against this wall.

Words I can't begin to gather in one place...just let it all end as it should.

The more I learn about people...the more sad I become.

Are there no happy endings? How much longer can any of this go on before it all ultimately just collapses?

Meh

*sigh*

I feel so tried, so alone, almost depressed and I'm in so much freaking pain.

Interesting blog on atheism:

http://blog.beliefnet.com/scienceandthesacred/2009/08/why-i-think-the-new-atheists-are-a-bloody-disaster.html

I have to wonder what I did to anger Jesus so much that I now have to spend time around...'him'.

Movies

Movies I Need to See Again Soon:
-Lost in Translation
-Hoodwinked
-Over the Hedge
-The Stand
-Blade Runner
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Kill Bill
-Groundhog Day
-V for Vendetta
-Little Miss Sunshine


Movies I Need to Just See:
-Inglorious Bastards
-The Shawshank Redemption
-The Prestige
-Quantum of Solace
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Burton

Movies I Need to See That I Am Ashamed to Say I Forgot to List the First Time:
-Labyrinth
-Pulp Fiction (12 times is never enough)

Irregardless we're here.
Now here and where to?
It's not like we could have anticipated
but we are here
without a rest.

"If I'm the person that you think I am
Clueless chump you seem to think I am
So easily led astray,
An errant dog who occasionally escapes and needs a shorter leash, then
Why the fuck would you want me back?

Maybe it's because
You don't know me at all"

-Ben Folds, "You Don't Know Me"

"Narcolepsy" - Ben Folds