I used to have such qualms about the whole doctrine of total depravity...but more and more each day do I see this living death running through my veins...like all the years of my life are just pushing down on me.
I hate these feelings...it's like...I breath and exhale toxin...the Love isn't based on who I should be but who I am...so why do I find it so hard to just accept it? Why do I have to live and die based upon my performances?
I'm so sick.
Sick of the lies and false parables,
bile rushing from my heart.
Such superfluous, such archaic, such viable vile things revolve around...giving birth to lies...fables...myths of self security...lies that everything will regain its status quo like nature...sick, so sick, so very sick.
It is cutting deep, so deep and red.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
"Sure Shot" - The OC Supertones
I wanna do the right thing.
I wanna be the sure shot.
I wanna have my mind straight.
I wanna have my point got.
I wanna be a good man,
I wanna have my act down.
I wanna be the future
and I wanna be right now.
Sometimes I feel
like I can change the world.
But I don't know where to start.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.
I wanna see a life change.
I wanna see a new man.
I wanna fight the good fight.
I wanna take the right stand.
I wanna be like Jesus.
I wanna pour my heart out.
I wanna pick my cross up.
I wanna hear the mob shout.
I'm wide awake
and thinking about the cross,
the Trinity apart.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.
I wanna be the sure shot.
I wanna have my mind straight.
I wanna have my point got.
I wanna be a good man,
I wanna have my act down.
I wanna be the future
and I wanna be right now.
Sometimes I feel
like I can change the world.
But I don't know where to start.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.
I wanna see a life change.
I wanna see a new man.
I wanna fight the good fight.
I wanna take the right stand.
I wanna be like Jesus.
I wanna pour my heart out.
I wanna pick my cross up.
I wanna hear the mob shout.
I'm wide awake
and thinking about the cross,
the Trinity apart.
I dig and come up empty,
clutching an empty heart.
"Unknown" - The O.C. Supertones
Killin' ourselves faster than fast
Livin' in the future, livin' in the past
I haven't always been in Christ
I know what you're goin' through, man
A couple of years ago I was just like you
Lookin' for answers, but lookin' to myself
Thinkin' that Christians just love Jesus for their health
But, I didn't know about Jesus
I tried to be like God, but when I tried I failed
And every time I fail, and fail
I know I rail a nail straight into the cross of Jesus
Straight into the wrist of Jesus
And now it's 1996, a hard year to be a Godly man
It seems the more I speak The Word, the less they understand
You gotta know about Jesus
Livin' in the future, livin' in the past
I haven't always been in Christ
I know what you're goin' through, man
A couple of years ago I was just like you
Lookin' for answers, but lookin' to myself
Thinkin' that Christians just love Jesus for their health
But, I didn't know about Jesus
I tried to be like God, but when I tried I failed
And every time I fail, and fail
I know I rail a nail straight into the cross of Jesus
Straight into the wrist of Jesus
And now it's 1996, a hard year to be a Godly man
It seems the more I speak The Word, the less they understand
You gotta know about Jesus
Monday, June 22, 2009
Solidarity, Bloodshed, and Iranian Tears of Rage
I just saw a stranger be shot and killed on the news.
A young Iranian lady.
For speaking her mind.
A part of me is infinitely filled with rage over such stupid and needless violence. What part of Hell does someone have to be filled with that they get their jollies by repressing, censoring and killing their own people?
I'm sick to my stomach with sympathy for the people in Iran.
They are standing for their rights just like the kids at Tiananmen Square did.
Like those who were a part of the solidarity movement in Poland.
Like most Americans I do not know a lot about Iranian politics and I'm trying to educate myself...and so I've been following blogs, twitter accounts and the news networks. There has been a rage bubbling and it is on the verge of exploding into something deadly. People are already dead and it seems one way or the other more blood will be spilled.
I can't endorse violence for any reason. The Jesus I follow teaches to turn the other cheek and to love your enemy to the point of death. It is not easy but fighting violence with violence only gives them fuel for their fires of evil.
I know someone somewhere is thinking "Gee Matthew, calm down. You can't do anything, just pray about it and do something else."
I cannot and will not just calm down.
This goes beyond something as simple principle, it goes beyond mere obligation...it is the duty and responsibility of anyone claiming the title of Christian to scream at the top of their lungs when they see injustice like this.
Evil prevails only because we are too lazy, too scared and too apathetic to give a damn about anyone besides ourselves.
But this isn't about me, my anger issues, any attack on a group of Christians...it is me throwing my voice in with a growing group of those exhausted of this duplicitous life.
I'm a Christian, some sort of slightly bearded vagabond minister with a lot of fears and failures under my belt. I feel one of my biggest problems (coincidentally shared with most every human being) is that of dealing with the monster of self. The part of our souls that demand instant gratification, that demands we take the front seat in the life boat of life, the hunger and desire to satisfy at the cost of others...this sick nature that the best title I've found is the "sinful nature" of man.
I hate religious cliches like the plague but that is the best label I have found for it and most important it that it is true. It's this nature that bogs me down with stupid things like games, music, caffeine, sugar, lust, impatience, pain killers and whatever else I can get myself addicted to. The race in the American life is to see who can numb out the fastest for the longest time.
If someone is actually serious about this whole Jesus thing then this is inexcusable. This apathy is what drives me absolutely insane about the American church...but at the end of the day I do the exact same thing. We're comfortably numb and are going to be held accountable for our inaction over so much social injustice.
There was a point in the New Testament when the religious scholars, their literary lawyers that knew the Law of Moses, met together to talk. These Law spewing egotists were upset because some ragtag uncertificated Rabbi by the name of Jesus was gathering a large following. From time to time these leaders would make some effort where they would try to trick Jesus into saying something blasphemous so they could stone Him on the spot.
The following quotation is from the middle of one of those debates:
"When the Pharisees heard how he had bested the Sadducees, they gathered their forces for an assault. One of their religion scholars spoke for them, posing a question they hoped would show him up: "Teacher, which command in God's Law is the most important?"
Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them.""
-Matthew 22:34-40
I find it ironic that the most concise summation of the entire purpose of God, Jesus, the Bible and life in general was given to the most educatied men of the day and they just huffed and puffed over it...as if showing love was this conditional and quantifiable substance that was to be held back from 'sinners' and other bad people. As if it is too much effort for me to show sympathy towards drunks, drug addicts, sex addicts, those of other religions and learning how to forgive myself. As if I don't love others as much as I love to love myself.
This is such a struggle for me.
What do I do with this?
Fast and prayer for the Iranian's suffering. Sending emails to encourage those I've met online. Being open to wherever the call is leading. Having an invisible best friend who also happens to the creator of the Cosmos does come with a few good perks. Chief of those being faith, hope and love; love being the chief quality that ties all of these together and binds our hearts to one another.
So...another prayer for you Iran.
For the persecuted Church worldwide.
For the sex addicts, perverts rejected by both society and church.
For the woman selling her body to feed her children.
For those suffering with cancer and aids.
For us to get up off our knees.
For the need for peace.
Dear Jesus, we need this peace.
Please.
A young Iranian lady.
For speaking her mind.
A part of me is infinitely filled with rage over such stupid and needless violence. What part of Hell does someone have to be filled with that they get their jollies by repressing, censoring and killing their own people?
I'm sick to my stomach with sympathy for the people in Iran.
They are standing for their rights just like the kids at Tiananmen Square did.
Like those who were a part of the solidarity movement in Poland.
Like most Americans I do not know a lot about Iranian politics and I'm trying to educate myself...and so I've been following blogs, twitter accounts and the news networks. There has been a rage bubbling and it is on the verge of exploding into something deadly. People are already dead and it seems one way or the other more blood will be spilled.
I can't endorse violence for any reason. The Jesus I follow teaches to turn the other cheek and to love your enemy to the point of death. It is not easy but fighting violence with violence only gives them fuel for their fires of evil.
I know someone somewhere is thinking "Gee Matthew, calm down. You can't do anything, just pray about it and do something else."
I cannot and will not just calm down.
This goes beyond something as simple principle, it goes beyond mere obligation...it is the duty and responsibility of anyone claiming the title of Christian to scream at the top of their lungs when they see injustice like this.
Evil prevails only because we are too lazy, too scared and too apathetic to give a damn about anyone besides ourselves.
But this isn't about me, my anger issues, any attack on a group of Christians...it is me throwing my voice in with a growing group of those exhausted of this duplicitous life.
I'm a Christian, some sort of slightly bearded vagabond minister with a lot of fears and failures under my belt. I feel one of my biggest problems (coincidentally shared with most every human being) is that of dealing with the monster of self. The part of our souls that demand instant gratification, that demands we take the front seat in the life boat of life, the hunger and desire to satisfy at the cost of others...this sick nature that the best title I've found is the "sinful nature" of man.
I hate religious cliches like the plague but that is the best label I have found for it and most important it that it is true. It's this nature that bogs me down with stupid things like games, music, caffeine, sugar, lust, impatience, pain killers and whatever else I can get myself addicted to. The race in the American life is to see who can numb out the fastest for the longest time.
If someone is actually serious about this whole Jesus thing then this is inexcusable. This apathy is what drives me absolutely insane about the American church...but at the end of the day I do the exact same thing. We're comfortably numb and are going to be held accountable for our inaction over so much social injustice.
There was a point in the New Testament when the religious scholars, their literary lawyers that knew the Law of Moses, met together to talk. These Law spewing egotists were upset because some ragtag uncertificated Rabbi by the name of Jesus was gathering a large following. From time to time these leaders would make some effort where they would try to trick Jesus into saying something blasphemous so they could stone Him on the spot.
The following quotation is from the middle of one of those debates:
"When the Pharisees heard how he had bested the Sadducees, they gathered their forces for an assault. One of their religion scholars spoke for them, posing a question they hoped would show him up: "Teacher, which command in God's Law is the most important?"
Jesus said, "'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.' These two commands are pegs; everything in God's Law and the Prophets hangs from them.""
-Matthew 22:34-40
I find it ironic that the most concise summation of the entire purpose of God, Jesus, the Bible and life in general was given to the most educatied men of the day and they just huffed and puffed over it...as if showing love was this conditional and quantifiable substance that was to be held back from 'sinners' and other bad people. As if it is too much effort for me to show sympathy towards drunks, drug addicts, sex addicts, those of other religions and learning how to forgive myself. As if I don't love others as much as I love to love myself.
This is such a struggle for me.
What do I do with this?
Fast and prayer for the Iranian's suffering. Sending emails to encourage those I've met online. Being open to wherever the call is leading. Having an invisible best friend who also happens to the creator of the Cosmos does come with a few good perks. Chief of those being faith, hope and love; love being the chief quality that ties all of these together and binds our hearts to one another.
So...another prayer for you Iran.
For the persecuted Church worldwide.
For the sex addicts, perverts rejected by both society and church.
For the woman selling her body to feed her children.
For those suffering with cancer and aids.
For us to get up off our knees.
For the need for peace.
Dear Jesus, we need this peace.
Please.
"While The Nations Rage" - Rich Mullins
"Jesus said whatever you do to the least of these my brothers you’ve done it to me. And this is what I’ve come to think. That if I want to identify fully with Jesus Christ, who I claim to be my savior and Lord, the best way that I can do that is to identify with the poor. This I know will go against the teachings of all the popular evangelical preachers. But they’re just wrong. They’re not bad, they’re just wrong. Christianity is not about building an absolutely secure little niche in the world where you can live with your perfect little wife and your perfect little children in a beautiful little house where you have no gays or minority groups anywhere near you. Christianity is about learning to love like Jesus loved and Jesus loved the poor and Jesus loved the broken."
-Rich Mullins
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Purple Irises
I'm not even sure why or how but I'm here.
I hate this day.
I mean, I hate the majority of the holidays but this one I loathe especially.
Earlier on the TV I heard a lady speaking about how it is hard for some people to believe God is good because they have had terrible fathers, I find the opposite to be true: God is so good that I can't picture any human male being able to supply love that could echo of something so grand.
I feel like I am running to just keep still, to be able to stand in one place...no time to breath or rest...I relive the memories at a hundred miles per hour...the images ripping through my mind and my eyes...stealing my breath and ripping what remains of my heart.
This is...it makes it hard for me to pray.
I can't think.
I can't breath.
I need to know you love me, I need to know I am not just the sum total of a vastly improbable mathematical equation...I need what I can't give myself...what no one else I can...I need to know you are proud of me, I need to know you love me.
If you can't love me how could I ever begin to love myself?
I look in the mirror and see the villian that has done nothing but cause pain these twenty plus years...and where are you?
I see the shadow of you...the merest flecks of gold...just on the edge of my vision...these lost thoughts and memories...pricking my veins like a drug...a narcotic I'm addicted to...the only salvation is in your eyes, the love I never knew and never will.
I hate this day.
I mean, I hate the majority of the holidays but this one I loathe especially.
Earlier on the TV I heard a lady speaking about how it is hard for some people to believe God is good because they have had terrible fathers, I find the opposite to be true: God is so good that I can't picture any human male being able to supply love that could echo of something so grand.
I feel like I am running to just keep still, to be able to stand in one place...no time to breath or rest...I relive the memories at a hundred miles per hour...the images ripping through my mind and my eyes...stealing my breath and ripping what remains of my heart.
This is...it makes it hard for me to pray.
I can't think.
I can't breath.
I need to know you love me, I need to know I am not just the sum total of a vastly improbable mathematical equation...I need what I can't give myself...what no one else I can...I need to know you are proud of me, I need to know you love me.
If you can't love me how could I ever begin to love myself?
I look in the mirror and see the villian that has done nothing but cause pain these twenty plus years...and where are you?
I see the shadow of you...the merest flecks of gold...just on the edge of my vision...these lost thoughts and memories...pricking my veins like a drug...a narcotic I'm addicted to...the only salvation is in your eyes, the love I never knew and never will.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Home Again
"As all things come to an end, even this story, a day came at last when they were in sight of the country where...(he)...had been born and bred, where the shapes of the land and of the trees were as well known to him as his hands and toes."
-'The Hobbit', JRR Tolkien
I am back home.
For now.
I have little intention of remaining here much longer if I can help it.
This morning an unexpected door was slammed open and if these dreams....these dreams we dare to dream...can truly come then September the first will act as a catalyst...a beginning...a door that stepping through will send me to the next part of my life.
It was an amazing few days on the road...serving and learning old lessons again. It felt like being wrapped in the arms of eternity...an eternity that came to an end to quickly.
All that remains is this door...this door which may open...and the thoughts.
Oh my, the thoughts.
"I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming for you till my throat is numb
I wanna break out
I need a way out
I don’t believe that it’s gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I’m suffocating
Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I’ve died
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love wanna live for You and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I Wanna live my life wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
-"Rebirthing", Skillet
I don't know where this may go...and if this is the wrong path...quiet my lips and humble me...break my legs, my arms and my back so that I may not bring forth shame...instead help me to leave this, my shame...my pride and this ego of needing attention behind.
It's lines in the sand...filled with blood by the Lamb slain from the foundation of this world...to right the wrongs of this fallen world...chief of whom is...
I needed oxygen...I was drowning in the waves of sorrow...of doubt and You rescued me. You took me by the hand and placed me on this rock. You gave me lips to sing and placed a new song in my heart, many will see, many will hear and fear.
How long?
How long?
The beginning always leads to an end which inevitably must be a new beginning...a new sunrise, a new song, a new reason to breath, a new reason to step forward into this life you have given me.
I'm wanting and aching to go to that fringe.
To see You standing in the cold and needing the help that...ironically enough only You can give.
You do enjoy Your paradoxes now, don't You?
Burn.
Now.
Please.
Leave no stone unturned, leave no crevice unchecked as long as daylight prevails.
""Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.
"Don't be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege.
"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
"Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God's Law and Prophets and this is what you get.""
-Matthew 7:1-12
-'The Hobbit', JRR Tolkien
I am back home.
For now.
I have little intention of remaining here much longer if I can help it.
This morning an unexpected door was slammed open and if these dreams....these dreams we dare to dream...can truly come then September the first will act as a catalyst...a beginning...a door that stepping through will send me to the next part of my life.
It was an amazing few days on the road...serving and learning old lessons again. It felt like being wrapped in the arms of eternity...an eternity that came to an end to quickly.
All that remains is this door...this door which may open...and the thoughts.
Oh my, the thoughts.
"I lie here paralytic
Inside this soul
Screaming for you till my throat is numb
I wanna break out
I need a way out
I don’t believe that it’s gotta be this way
The worst is the waiting
In this womb I’m suffocating
Feel your presence filling up my lungs with oxygen
I take you in
I’ve died
Rebirthing now
I wanna live for love wanna live for You and me
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
Rebirthing now
I Wanna live my life wanna give you everything
Breathe for the first time now
I come alive somehow
-"Rebirthing", Skillet
I don't know where this may go...and if this is the wrong path...quiet my lips and humble me...break my legs, my arms and my back so that I may not bring forth shame...instead help me to leave this, my shame...my pride and this ego of needing attention behind.
It's lines in the sand...filled with blood by the Lamb slain from the foundation of this world...to right the wrongs of this fallen world...chief of whom is...
I needed oxygen...I was drowning in the waves of sorrow...of doubt and You rescued me. You took me by the hand and placed me on this rock. You gave me lips to sing and placed a new song in my heart, many will see, many will hear and fear.
How long?
How long?
The beginning always leads to an end which inevitably must be a new beginning...a new sunrise, a new song, a new reason to breath, a new reason to step forward into this life you have given me.
I'm wanting and aching to go to that fringe.
To see You standing in the cold and needing the help that...ironically enough only You can give.
You do enjoy Your paradoxes now, don't You?
Burn.
Now.
Please.
Leave no stone unturned, leave no crevice unchecked as long as daylight prevails.
""Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It's easy to see a smudge on your neighbor's face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, 'Let me wash your face for you,' when your own face is distorted by contempt? It's this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.
"Don't be flip with the sacred. Banter and silliness give no honor to God. Don't reduce holy mysteries to slogans. In trying to be relevant, you're only being cute and inviting sacrilege.
"Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better?
"Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them. Add up God's Law and Prophets and this is what you get.""
-Matthew 7:1-12
Goodbye for Now
Time is fleeting.
This man made construct by which we attempt to give meaning to events...and to further govern our lives...it races and twists.
My time with this group is rapidly running out...it has been an odd but amazing experience.
"Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Pity the nation that won’t listen to your boys and girls
‘Cos the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear
The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear
Oh, but a change of heart comes slow
It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
As you start out the climb
Listen for me, I’ll be shouting
We’re gonna make it all the way to the light
But you now I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight"
-U2, "I'll Go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight"
Where do I...we...all of us go from here?
I believe not just because I want or need to...I have no choice. I gave that up when I signed up at nine years old. Asking God to come in, interfere and transfer this Jack Pollock painting esque mess of my life into something much more clear is a blessing as much as it is a burden...a beautiful burden and one that weighs so much less than the trivial games people love to play with time.
There is a sweetness that I found by living in community with these strangers...our common goal was what we believed...but it broke down some walls...the scary part would be to make this lasting...to make the relationships continue...to push past the rocky areas and learn to...love.
It has been...a learning experience...and it should...should continue...
""Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.
"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!
"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.
"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
-Matthew 6:19-34
This man made construct by which we attempt to give meaning to events...and to further govern our lives...it races and twists.
My time with this group is rapidly running out...it has been an odd but amazing experience.
"Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Pity the nation that won’t listen to your boys and girls
‘Cos the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear
The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear
Oh, but a change of heart comes slow
It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
As you start out the climb
Listen for me, I’ll be shouting
We’re gonna make it all the way to the light
But you now I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight"
-U2, "I'll Go Crazy if I Don't Go Crazy Tonight"
Where do I...we...all of us go from here?
I believe not just because I want or need to...I have no choice. I gave that up when I signed up at nine years old. Asking God to come in, interfere and transfer this Jack Pollock painting esque mess of my life into something much more clear is a blessing as much as it is a burden...a beautiful burden and one that weighs so much less than the trivial games people love to play with time.
There is a sweetness that I found by living in community with these strangers...our common goal was what we believed...but it broke down some walls...the scary part would be to make this lasting...to make the relationships continue...to push past the rocky areas and learn to...love.
It has been...a learning experience...and it should...should continue...
""Don't hoard treasure down here where it gets eaten by moths and corroded by rust or—worse!—stolen by burglars. Stockpile treasure in heaven, where it's safe from moth and rust and burglars. It's obvious, isn't it? The place where your treasure is, is the place you will most want to be, and end up being.
"Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have!
"You can't worship two gods at once. Loving one god, you'll end up hating the other. Adoration of one feeds contempt for the other. You can't worship God and Money both.
"If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.
"Has anyone by fussing in front of the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? All this time and money wasted on fashion—do you think it makes that much difference? Instead of looking at the fashions, walk out into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They never primp or shop, but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them.
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes."
-Matthew 6:19-34
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Shades on the Desert Afternoon
"I met a lonely man in the desert, the traveling priest, Nicholas D. Wolfwood. He smiled, and then he told me that I’m a troubled man. Faced with his all-seeing smile, there was nothing I could say in my defense. Did I meet this man because I was destined to? Or was it simply by a small jest of God? The man’s name is Nicholas D. Wolfwood, a traveling priest I met in the desert."
-Vash The Stampede, 'Trigun'
I think one of the biggest determinants to the reputation of Jesus that we Christians do is our know it all judgemental attitudes.
I was told earlier that I am a pessimist and I won't argue that label.
I can't.
I am.
I also think I am a realist who has an inability to turn his mind off and just 'enjoy'.
I don't do it to annoy people because I do know it bothers people, I am just me. I try to be loving and I fail, I try to be more empathetic towards those I live around...and God is it hard. I find it harder still to just put a positive spin on something as vital as understanding Truth.
Faith is understandable in action, action that is prefaced by studying, carried out in love and finished with questioning everything.
No one is ever happy, things are either too complicated, too simple, too religious, too irreverent, too bad, too good, too holy, too disgusting...and it goes on and on. Every day of my life I spew the same garbage of lies I tell myself so I can sleep at night and foster this false belief that I can stay afloat on my ego alone.
I mean, everyone does this.
We lie to ourselves, lie to each other and to God; the absolute pathetic thing is the person we only fool is ourselves.
The number of people I know who only get satisfaction out of living out another life...by some means or another...is scary...how often am I so afraid of reality that I can't take a small step forward?
There is this phobia of true commitment to others, to this idea of finding my purpose and identity in Jesus alone...it's more of feeling shame that I still believe this insane crap twelve years later...and I still haven't given into the concept of abusing it for exploitation reasons.
I have conversations like that now that I think about it...what the hell is wrong with people? What does it matter what I believe if you don't even know what you believe or more importantly *why* you believe it?
The problem, the problem is me.
Ego.
I.
This idea that people are hear to revolve around me and to somehow bow down to me. That the only person that matters is me.
It's safe to say any good I've done was by sheer accident or proof there is an infinite One that still has an interest in taking part of a broken and finite race called man.
I hate falling into these repeating cycles of beating myself up...because that isn't the point. My point is that all of us are broken and that the only way things can improve is by fixing it.
I don't throw out Jesus' name because I hate sounding like I'm trying to sell a stupid shirt. He is more than a quick fix, more than a way of getting high and forgetting life, more than this positive, more than this negative...He is.
That is about all I can say and still remain my integrity.
How does one paint the picture of how the Infinite Truth stepped down and took on the shell of a human?
Most days I want to check myself into an insane asylum.
Partly because of how much I fear people but also because of how insane my beliefs sound to myself...but I've been sharing, singing and acting on it the past couple of days. It has been exhausting, frustrating but so much...more then I can put into words. I try to just talk about it plain...but so much gets in the way...so many hopes, fears, doubts belief...and life.
But His love is carrying me just has it has all these years...where it goes...I know not but I know I must follow...cross and all.
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.
Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father."
-Philippians 2:1-11
-Vash The Stampede, 'Trigun'
I think one of the biggest determinants to the reputation of Jesus that we Christians do is our know it all judgemental attitudes.
I was told earlier that I am a pessimist and I won't argue that label.
I can't.
I am.
I also think I am a realist who has an inability to turn his mind off and just 'enjoy'.
I don't do it to annoy people because I do know it bothers people, I am just me. I try to be loving and I fail, I try to be more empathetic towards those I live around...and God is it hard. I find it harder still to just put a positive spin on something as vital as understanding Truth.
Faith is understandable in action, action that is prefaced by studying, carried out in love and finished with questioning everything.
No one is ever happy, things are either too complicated, too simple, too religious, too irreverent, too bad, too good, too holy, too disgusting...and it goes on and on. Every day of my life I spew the same garbage of lies I tell myself so I can sleep at night and foster this false belief that I can stay afloat on my ego alone.
I mean, everyone does this.
We lie to ourselves, lie to each other and to God; the absolute pathetic thing is the person we only fool is ourselves.
The number of people I know who only get satisfaction out of living out another life...by some means or another...is scary...how often am I so afraid of reality that I can't take a small step forward?
There is this phobia of true commitment to others, to this idea of finding my purpose and identity in Jesus alone...it's more of feeling shame that I still believe this insane crap twelve years later...and I still haven't given into the concept of abusing it for exploitation reasons.
I have conversations like that now that I think about it...what the hell is wrong with people? What does it matter what I believe if you don't even know what you believe or more importantly *why* you believe it?
The problem, the problem is me.
Ego.
I.
This idea that people are hear to revolve around me and to somehow bow down to me. That the only person that matters is me.
It's safe to say any good I've done was by sheer accident or proof there is an infinite One that still has an interest in taking part of a broken and finite race called man.
I hate falling into these repeating cycles of beating myself up...because that isn't the point. My point is that all of us are broken and that the only way things can improve is by fixing it.
I don't throw out Jesus' name because I hate sounding like I'm trying to sell a stupid shirt. He is more than a quick fix, more than a way of getting high and forgetting life, more than this positive, more than this negative...He is.
That is about all I can say and still remain my integrity.
How does one paint the picture of how the Infinite Truth stepped down and took on the shell of a human?
Most days I want to check myself into an insane asylum.
Partly because of how much I fear people but also because of how insane my beliefs sound to myself...but I've been sharing, singing and acting on it the past couple of days. It has been exhausting, frustrating but so much...more then I can put into words. I try to just talk about it plain...but so much gets in the way...so many hopes, fears, doubts belief...and life.
But His love is carrying me just has it has all these years...where it goes...I know not but I know I must follow...cross and all.
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.
Because of that obedience, God lifted him high and honored him far beyond anyone or anything, ever, so that all created beings in heaven and on earth—even those long ago dead and buried—will bow in worship before this Jesus Christ, and call out in praise that he is the Master of all, to the glorious honor of God the Father."
-Philippians 2:1-11
You Are So Beautiful Tonight...
I slept and it was well all things considered.
My thoughts are bleeding all over the place...hope...unrest...desire...longing...all these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings...they have names but they are not.
It's like the days flow...so well so overlapping...with transitions in all sorts of colors.
It's going to be a slower day...only one show and then painting some wheel chair ramps.
It should be slow but in a good way.
But some questions remain...
Where is this going?
How are You in this?
What about pain?
What about my friend?
It irks my beyond comprehension...that it doesn't seem that You hear the prayers being spoken for her...is this it? Someone without real knowledge of You? What does it take to motivate You to speak to someone?
I know things are complicated...but it hurts to see someone who doesn't know the Truth...and that you the Truth indeed.
It is true I doubt a lot and have little confidence...but God...I am Yours and You are mine...this impossible mixture of the divine courting and cultivating the love of a shallow and broken being.
"Soul, what's wrong?
Why are you troubled here within me?
Deep inside my heart, my soul, what's wrong?
So my God I do not see why You forgive me
Do You need me? Am I wise? Am I strong?
So Why, so why, so why, so why?
Why do You even love me?
Why do You even care?
Why should You think of me?
Oh my God, I'll never know. It's
Unconditional love, Unconditional love, Unconditional love,
The grace flood
Take my hand and lead me further up within here
Deep inside Your heart, With in your soul
On my knees as I crawl steady up the incline
The glory of Your face and I can't stand."
-The OC Supertones, "Grace Flood"
Help me to believe...to know...I feel so tired...so weak and shallow...help me to find this water I need...this fire to burn and keep me alive when I am stranded in this Wilderness...
...if you want a broken and needy heart...here it is...
I need to drink this water in as Life, I need the Logos present...the burning hope...something outside but in...You know how it is.
I try.
I fail.
I doubt.
I cry.
I hurt.
But then You are something more...somehow...beyond self...beyond life...this inexpressible...this impossibly wonderful...but still...You hide...why?
You bridge the gap between the possible and impossible...do it once again.
Please.
In a real way...save the life of the one I pray for...give mercy to my ungrateful heart...teach me to be humble...rip this apart.
Screw holding onto this fake dignity and the shame of being a born again hypocrite, living in this rotting shell for my life.
I don't care.
"The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you"
"The Word was first,
the Word present to God,
God present to the Word.
The Word was God,
in readiness for God from day one.
Everything was created through him;
nothing—not one thing!—
came into being without him.
What came into existence was Life,
and the Life was Light to live by.
The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;
the darkness couldn't put it out.
There once was a man, his name John, sent by God to point out the way to the Life-Light. He came to show everyone where to look, who to believe in. John was not himself the Light; he was there to show the way to the Light.
The Life-Light was the real thing:
Every person entering Life
he brings into Light.
He was in the world,
the world was there through him,
and yet the world didn't even notice.
He came to his own people,
but they didn't want him.
But whoever did want him,
who believed he was who he claimed
and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
their child-of-God selves.
These are the God-begotten,
not blood-begotten,
not flesh-begotten,
not sex-begotten.
The Word became flesh and blood,
and moved into the neighborhood.
We saw the glory with our own eyes,
the one-of-a-kind glory,
like Father, like Son,
Generous inside and out,
true from start to finish.
John pointed him out and called, "This is the One! The One I told you was coming after me but in fact was ahead of me. He has always been ahead of me, has always had the first word."
We all live off his generous bounty,
gift after gift after gift.
We got the basics from Moses,
and then this exuberant giving and receiving,
This endless knowing and understanding—
all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God,
not so much as a glimpse.
This one-of-a-kind God-Expression,
who exists at the very heart of the Father,
has made him plain as day."
-John 1:1-18
My thoughts are bleeding all over the place...hope...unrest...desire...longing...all these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings...they have names but they are not.
It's like the days flow...so well so overlapping...with transitions in all sorts of colors.
It's going to be a slower day...only one show and then painting some wheel chair ramps.
It should be slow but in a good way.
But some questions remain...
Where is this going?
How are You in this?
What about pain?
What about my friend?
It irks my beyond comprehension...that it doesn't seem that You hear the prayers being spoken for her...is this it? Someone without real knowledge of You? What does it take to motivate You to speak to someone?
I know things are complicated...but it hurts to see someone who doesn't know the Truth...and that you the Truth indeed.
It is true I doubt a lot and have little confidence...but God...I am Yours and You are mine...this impossible mixture of the divine courting and cultivating the love of a shallow and broken being.
"Soul, what's wrong?
Why are you troubled here within me?
Deep inside my heart, my soul, what's wrong?
So my God I do not see why You forgive me
Do You need me? Am I wise? Am I strong?
So Why, so why, so why, so why?
Why do You even love me?
Why do You even care?
Why should You think of me?
Oh my God, I'll never know. It's
Unconditional love, Unconditional love, Unconditional love,
The grace flood
Take my hand and lead me further up within here
Deep inside Your heart, With in your soul
On my knees as I crawl steady up the incline
The glory of Your face and I can't stand."
-The OC Supertones, "Grace Flood"
Help me to believe...to know...I feel so tired...so weak and shallow...help me to find this water I need...this fire to burn and keep me alive when I am stranded in this Wilderness...
...if you want a broken and needy heart...here it is...
I need to drink this water in as Life, I need the Logos present...the burning hope...something outside but in...You know how it is.
I try.
I fail.
I doubt.
I cry.
I hurt.
But then You are something more...somehow...beyond self...beyond life...this inexpressible...this impossibly wonderful...but still...You hide...why?
You bridge the gap between the possible and impossible...do it once again.
Please.
In a real way...save the life of the one I pray for...give mercy to my ungrateful heart...teach me to be humble...rip this apart.
Screw holding onto this fake dignity and the shame of being a born again hypocrite, living in this rotting shell for my life.
I don't care.
"The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you"
"The Word was first,
the Word present to God,
God present to the Word.
The Word was God,
in readiness for God from day one.
Everything was created through him;
nothing—not one thing!—
came into being without him.
What came into existence was Life,
and the Life was Light to live by.
The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;
the darkness couldn't put it out.
There once was a man, his name John, sent by God to point out the way to the Life-Light. He came to show everyone where to look, who to believe in. John was not himself the Light; he was there to show the way to the Light.
The Life-Light was the real thing:
Every person entering Life
he brings into Light.
He was in the world,
the world was there through him,
and yet the world didn't even notice.
He came to his own people,
but they didn't want him.
But whoever did want him,
who believed he was who he claimed
and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
their child-of-God selves.
These are the God-begotten,
not blood-begotten,
not flesh-begotten,
not sex-begotten.
The Word became flesh and blood,
and moved into the neighborhood.
We saw the glory with our own eyes,
the one-of-a-kind glory,
like Father, like Son,
Generous inside and out,
true from start to finish.
John pointed him out and called, "This is the One! The One I told you was coming after me but in fact was ahead of me. He has always been ahead of me, has always had the first word."
We all live off his generous bounty,
gift after gift after gift.
We got the basics from Moses,
and then this exuberant giving and receiving,
This endless knowing and understanding—
all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God,
not so much as a glimpse.
This one-of-a-kind God-Expression,
who exists at the very heart of the Father,
has made him plain as day."
-John 1:1-18
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