You Are So Beautiful Tonight...

I slept and it was well all things considered.

My thoughts are bleeding all over the place...hope...unrest...desire...longing...all these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings...they have names but they are not.

It's like the days flow...so well so overlapping...with transitions in all sorts of colors.

It's going to be a slower day...only one show and then painting some wheel chair ramps.

It should be slow but in a good way.


But some questions remain...

Where is this going?
How are You in this?
What about pain?
What about my friend?

It irks my beyond comprehension...that it doesn't seem that You hear the prayers being spoken for her...is this it? Someone without real knowledge of You? What does it take to motivate You to speak to someone?

I know things are complicated...but it hurts to see someone who doesn't know the Truth...and that you the Truth indeed.

It is true I doubt a lot and have little confidence...but God...I am Yours and You are mine...this impossible mixture of the divine courting and cultivating the love of a shallow and broken being.

"Soul, what's wrong?
Why are you troubled here within me?
Deep inside my heart, my soul, what's wrong?
So my God I do not see why You forgive me
Do You need me? Am I wise? Am I strong?
So Why, so why, so why, so why?

Why do You even love me?
Why do You even care?
Why should You think of me?
Oh my God, I'll never know. It's
Unconditional love, Unconditional love, Unconditional love,
The grace flood

Take my hand and lead me further up within here
Deep inside Your heart, With in your soul
On my knees as I crawl steady up the incline
The glory of Your face and I can't stand."
-The OC Supertones, "Grace Flood"

Help me to believe...to know...I feel so tired...so weak and shallow...help me to find this water I need...this fire to burn and keep me alive when I am stranded in this Wilderness...

...if you want a broken and needy heart...here it is...

I need to drink this water in as Life, I need the Logos present...the burning hope...something outside but in...You know how it is.

I try.
I fail.
I doubt.
I cry.
I hurt.

But then You are something more...somehow...beyond self...beyond life...this inexpressible...this impossibly wonderful...but still...You hide...why?

You bridge the gap between the possible and impossible...do it once again.

Please.

In a real way...save the life of the one I pray for...give mercy to my ungrateful heart...teach me to be humble...rip this apart.

Screw holding onto this fake dignity and the shame of being a born again hypocrite, living in this rotting shell for my life.

I don't care.

"The world is full of ones like me
Who need to see the truth
But the truth is never truth indeed
The truth is only you"


"The Word was first,
the Word present to God,
God present to the Word.
The Word was God,
in readiness for God from day one.

Everything was created through him;
nothing—not one thing!—
came into being without him.
What came into existence was Life,
and the Life was Light to live by.
The Life-Light blazed out of the darkness;
the darkness couldn't put it out.

There once was a man, his name John, sent by God to point out the way to the Life-Light. He came to show everyone where to look, who to believe in. John was not himself the Light; he was there to show the way to the Light.

The Life-Light was the real thing:
Every person entering Life
he brings into Light.
He was in the world,
the world was there through him,
and yet the world didn't even notice.
He came to his own people,
but they didn't want him.
But whoever did want him,
who believed he was who he claimed
and would do what he said,
He made to be their true selves,
their child-of-God selves.
These are the God-begotten,
not blood-begotten,
not flesh-begotten,
not sex-begotten.

The Word became flesh and blood,
and moved into the neighborhood.
We saw the glory with our own eyes,
the one-of-a-kind glory,
like Father, like Son,
Generous inside and out,
true from start to finish.

John pointed him out and called, "This is the One! The One I told you was coming after me but in fact was ahead of me. He has always been ahead of me, has always had the first word."

We all live off his generous bounty,
gift after gift after gift.
We got the basics from Moses,
and then this exuberant giving and receiving,
This endless knowing and understanding—
all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God,
not so much as a glimpse.
This one-of-a-kind God-Expression,
who exists at the very heart of the Father,
has made him plain as day."

-John 1:1-18