*sigh*

Have I mentioned...I miss...you?

"The Day The World Went Away" - Nine Inch Nails

I hate this weakness.

Admitting it means I loose my high and lofty place of judgementalism.

It feels like if this was it, this life was the singular expression of our beings...I could be happy to fade into nothingness.

There is no delight in being high and lofty once you have fallen into these cracks and beg to covered by the rocks, to just escape the forthcoming wrath.

What is this?
What is becoming?
How was life crafted on this land of merciless sun and rocks?
Where is it going?
How did the diversity become so twisted internally?

What is...what will...

Traceless lines of confusion in my look for You.
I am a beggar just looking for hope, love is too much for one like me.

Momentary standstill.

Freedom.

Pain.

Vague labels, poor metaphors cloaked in words and shown to be near futile assessments.

Pain.

Pain.

Trouble processing...thinking...rethinking...making sense of this all.

Why?

That wasn't a very prudent idea.

Escape.

Impractical.

But sorely needed.

I fell.

This going at it alone is like a cancer that is slowly eating away at my soul.

I'm so sick of that...yes...I am...

"Two-Twenty-Nine" - Brave Saint Saturn

No one told me it was going to rain today,
I turn my face down from the sky,
Something broke inside my heart today,
Christmas presents on the day she died.
Crippled dreams are never mentioned,
Broken things that never heal,
Mother said for me to give it time,
Tonight I cannot help but cry,
February twenty-nine.

In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

There is a place that we call heaven,
A place where children never cry,
where you are never cold or hungry,
a place where you cannot go blind.
I turn my face up to the sky now,
I wipe the tears from my eyes,
Thank you God she lives forever,
February twenty-nine.

In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.


Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.


In a world of dying children,
Rain never seems to cease,
I will hope for things unseen now,
One day my heart will be at peace.
I said I loved her and she knew it,
Whispered softly to the sky tonight,
She is warm and safe in Heaven,
In the loving arms of Jesus Christ.

Soul Order Deposit

Every time I begin down this road again...there is the bock...this almost...inability to write or conceive a notion of what is truth...pain is there, this darkness...this dark place I have hidden my heart...far from truth and far from grace...a place only I know exists and I threw away the key.

To hide from You.
To run from You.
To know that I know not and relish my ignorance.
But You offer the way home.
Only You can sympathize and understand.
Lead me to freedom.

Hey you.
Yeah you.
I miss you.
A lot.

Blossoming Thoughts, Running Red

Such terror,
abstract yet vivid
pulling and twisting,
contorting and brewing darkness
deep inside.

Everything you imagined it could be,
every lie,
every soul screaming tidbit,
every last dying drop of venom
that is holding me inside,
defining
imaging
reimagining
every last tidbit screaming across this soul.

Bleeding,
reprocessing,
reaping that which was sowed
just to hear you beg,
some sort of silence
and some sort of reprieve
from truth.

It's hard to see the face
of one who is a traitor,
willing to hear truth
just until it started to hurt
and started to bleed.
Everything with you is about the now,
nothing about what has passed
or what is foretold to come.
You see yourself
but don't see anything
except the lies you wear
to justify
such a pretty lie.
Such a disgusting way to live,
like life was yours to give
and all you do is take,
never seeing the choice you made.

As for me,
freedom.
From this slavery of indulgance,
ripping my soul to make you happy.
Living a charade just to please
your indulgent fantasies.

I'll claw my way out,
find the light
and dig until I can see
and feel again.
Know that this isn't death
and that to live is to breath.

"Some Days Are Better Than Others" - U2

Some days just feel like you've drive your life into a wall, set it on fire and exploded along with the rest of it all.

*sigh*

Cherry Blossoms in the Winter

It's like feeling my soul
being soiled by your thoughts
ripped apart with every perceived
preconceived notion about my worth
every word
every breath
every single wasted thought
about you is a crime.
Making me hate my soul.

I wanted love,
acceptance
and guidance
all you can spare
is bitter
bitten
battered
hate
about yourself
focused on what I lack
in your picture perfect
fallen
falling apart
diseased
cadaver
you mistaken for a life.

I want to scream,
take the time to throw up
all of these lies
I've swallowed,
just years at a time,
and remind myself
just why it is
we are the way
and you are.

Just screaming words of being
justifying meaning
before you strip them off,
just with a single glance,
a bit of subdue verbiage.
Every time I think I'm free
I see myself a slave
in front of you
before you again.
I can scream until this collapses
and all I'll do
is just worship this hate.

Everything in this is a lie,
every word you see
every metaphor you process
into an image,
just a lie you sing
you cover your shame with
just to make me hate you more.

I want love,
so much it hurts.
I can't see you now,
just shadows and mirrors
blocking out
and I couldn't even see you
with a telescope
or see you close,
explore every inch with a microscope,
all I have is this duality,
this false nature
coupled with my personal insanity.
I miss you like mad
and hope there is eternity
because I know I'll never see,
I'll never fully hear
or know you until then.

I wish I had the strength to vomit.

Perfection is an assimilation of the many and diverse imperfections that make up so many unseen and yet needed.

Such is life, the horrific beauty.

Feeling and emotions...you do suck...a lot...

" The Best Is Yet To Come" - Metal Gear Solid OST

Why is it so hard for me to focus on one thing at a time?
To get anything done?

I'm so just...tired of feeling so disconnected and apart from everything...and so hungry. ~_~

I'm listening to Rage Against the Machine while watching Fox News. What is wrong with this picture?