The internet is about to cause me to fly into a homicidal rage.
I hate this world and how it makes everything not work, including the freaking internet.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Of all these simple words you spoke
that is the one to make me stop
and watch the time become like smoke,
filling this desolate land.
But I still look to see you
beyond your selfish ego,
the failing attempt
at reconciliation
and I have to smile.
Despite my bruised self esteem
I see me.
I see you and deep down you are me.
We can divide the difference
but all we have is the fact
we represent each other before
we knew each other.
Cracked mirrors.
that is the one to make me stop
and watch the time become like smoke,
filling this desolate land.
But I still look to see you
beyond your selfish ego,
the failing attempt
at reconciliation
and I have to smile.
Despite my bruised self esteem
I see me.
I see you and deep down you are me.
We can divide the difference
but all we have is the fact
we represent each other before
we knew each other.
Cracked mirrors.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Drunk Chicken (Full Version)
So the other night was one of those odd nights.
By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"
Overall it was an odd experince.
Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"
But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.
Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.
Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.
I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?
I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.
Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.
Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.
One of the many similarities every human being has in common with any other is that we all worship. Some people offer their love and adoration to statues, some to altars and still some offer it to other people.
A person may refuse to acknowledge the existence of any given deity but all the same we pander to something. It is just part of who we are, we acknowledge something bigger and what we perceive as being more important to us. Something(s) or someone(s) that brings us together in groups for a common reason and common purpose. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be an outlet to help someone keep their sanity.
From what I can tell there is a very common element between the Buddhist temple, the dance floor at a bar and the service at a theologically sound Christian church.
One of my biggest problems with American Christianity is this huge chip that we all seem to wear on our collective shoulder. I think it must come from a misunderstanding of Scripture and Jesus' teachings.
If at any point a Christian has the arrogant stupidity to say they are somehow better off morally and spiritually then a brothel worker, a drug pedaler or even in fact a child rapist then they have completely missed the boat.
One of the basic ideas behind Christianity is how every human is a fallen and broken individual that has offended an infinite holy being and have to deal with the consequences of being born into a broken world. At best we can hope for and maybe establish a sort of half life of sorts, where we try to act as if everything is okay but deep down we know it is not.
The beauty of Christ is that he offers a free love and a free acceptance. It goes beyond our own broken nature and offers to begin the life long process of healing a corrupted heart that was born out of selfishness.
And the horrifyingly beautiful part is that the only part we play is in accepting it. If at any point we could actually do ANYTHING to be worthy of or to earn the grace and favor of God then we have manged to implode the entire salvation process. Considering the fabric of space and time are still flowing along it is safe to say Yahweh did not explode into a puff of logic generated by a human mind.
The thing is, I love to talk about grace as much as the next Christian. Just like them I only like to talk about it and I do not like to actually live as if I am already loved and accepted. It is much easier to continue living as if every choice I made would make my life somehow closer or further from that love.
Personal responsibility is a must and ultimately no one enjoys a 'know it all' but when it comes down to it we all have to throw what we have on the table. It is much easier to talk about theories regarding creation and salvation then it is to actually accept that God loves his creation. That in His eyes we are all equal, we are either on the path towards Him or away from Him.
There is a divide between us and God called sin and Jesus is that bridge needed to get back.
"In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 3:28
I mentioned earlier about an element that keeps all of these different groups in common is that it is full of desperate human beings searching for some kind of meaning and purpose beyond the insanity of this world.
As dear old Uncle Ben of 'Spider Man' fame once said "With great power comes great responsibility." I suppose the same can be true of knowledge. The great tragedy of Americanized Christianity is that our arrogance prevents us from realizing we are living in a broken world. We are absolutely obsessed with the sound of our own voice and manage to speak loud enough to not just drown out the cries of those dying but the gentle whisper of Christ.
It is frustrating but I perceive the turning point can be that when we realize that are the problem and that what we believe is the solution but that we are not needed to save the world. We are just privileged that an infinite Love has an infinite desire to love such a finitely fickle and stupid group of people called The Church.
And oddly enough I think it would do both the world and the Church a world of good for the Church to show up for worship, I mean where the world congregates. The pubs, the casinos, the clubs, the brothels, the strip joints, the hospitals, the crack houses, the clubs and whatever else it is people gather. We are eager enough to berate people for not coming to us when we were told point blank to go to them.
Going not to judge but to simply see and learn. To realize that the people we brush off as being beneath us are worth loving and sharing love with. To realize that we are all more alike then we would care to know, that the love that flows in our veins is enough to wash away our stains and could do wonders for this broken planet.
Once again the problem is that I am a hypocrite and that I do not want to do anything except hide in my shell. I want to run screaming from real and honest relationships with people because it requires me to be human and to show the fact I am weak and can bleed.
I need this just as much as any other Christian and it sucks to admit this. It really upsets me that I have to admit I am just as screwed up as anyone else but the only difference is that I have an invisible and physically unprovable God supporting me and changing my life. It is not ideal by any human standards but it is the truth.
As Paul best put it:
"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a 'law man' so that i could be GOD's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine" but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."
-Galatians 2:19-21
By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"
Overall it was an odd experince.
Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"
But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.
Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.
Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.
I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?
I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.
Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.
Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.
One of the many similarities every human being has in common with any other is that we all worship. Some people offer their love and adoration to statues, some to altars and still some offer it to other people.
A person may refuse to acknowledge the existence of any given deity but all the same we pander to something. It is just part of who we are, we acknowledge something bigger and what we perceive as being more important to us. Something(s) or someone(s) that brings us together in groups for a common reason and common purpose. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be an outlet to help someone keep their sanity.
From what I can tell there is a very common element between the Buddhist temple, the dance floor at a bar and the service at a theologically sound Christian church.
One of my biggest problems with American Christianity is this huge chip that we all seem to wear on our collective shoulder. I think it must come from a misunderstanding of Scripture and Jesus' teachings.
If at any point a Christian has the arrogant stupidity to say they are somehow better off morally and spiritually then a brothel worker, a drug pedaler or even in fact a child rapist then they have completely missed the boat.
One of the basic ideas behind Christianity is how every human is a fallen and broken individual that has offended an infinite holy being and have to deal with the consequences of being born into a broken world. At best we can hope for and maybe establish a sort of half life of sorts, where we try to act as if everything is okay but deep down we know it is not.
The beauty of Christ is that he offers a free love and a free acceptance. It goes beyond our own broken nature and offers to begin the life long process of healing a corrupted heart that was born out of selfishness.
And the horrifyingly beautiful part is that the only part we play is in accepting it. If at any point we could actually do ANYTHING to be worthy of or to earn the grace and favor of God then we have manged to implode the entire salvation process. Considering the fabric of space and time are still flowing along it is safe to say Yahweh did not explode into a puff of logic generated by a human mind.
The thing is, I love to talk about grace as much as the next Christian. Just like them I only like to talk about it and I do not like to actually live as if I am already loved and accepted. It is much easier to continue living as if every choice I made would make my life somehow closer or further from that love.
Personal responsibility is a must and ultimately no one enjoys a 'know it all' but when it comes down to it we all have to throw what we have on the table. It is much easier to talk about theories regarding creation and salvation then it is to actually accept that God loves his creation. That in His eyes we are all equal, we are either on the path towards Him or away from Him.
There is a divide between us and God called sin and Jesus is that bridge needed to get back.
"In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 3:28
I mentioned earlier about an element that keeps all of these different groups in common is that it is full of desperate human beings searching for some kind of meaning and purpose beyond the insanity of this world.
As dear old Uncle Ben of 'Spider Man' fame once said "With great power comes great responsibility." I suppose the same can be true of knowledge. The great tragedy of Americanized Christianity is that our arrogance prevents us from realizing we are living in a broken world. We are absolutely obsessed with the sound of our own voice and manage to speak loud enough to not just drown out the cries of those dying but the gentle whisper of Christ.
It is frustrating but I perceive the turning point can be that when we realize that are the problem and that what we believe is the solution but that we are not needed to save the world. We are just privileged that an infinite Love has an infinite desire to love such a finitely fickle and stupid group of people called The Church.
And oddly enough I think it would do both the world and the Church a world of good for the Church to show up for worship, I mean where the world congregates. The pubs, the casinos, the clubs, the brothels, the strip joints, the hospitals, the crack houses, the clubs and whatever else it is people gather. We are eager enough to berate people for not coming to us when we were told point blank to go to them.
Going not to judge but to simply see and learn. To realize that the people we brush off as being beneath us are worth loving and sharing love with. To realize that we are all more alike then we would care to know, that the love that flows in our veins is enough to wash away our stains and could do wonders for this broken planet.
Once again the problem is that I am a hypocrite and that I do not want to do anything except hide in my shell. I want to run screaming from real and honest relationships with people because it requires me to be human and to show the fact I am weak and can bleed.
I need this just as much as any other Christian and it sucks to admit this. It really upsets me that I have to admit I am just as screwed up as anyone else but the only difference is that I have an invisible and physically unprovable God supporting me and changing my life. It is not ideal by any human standards but it is the truth.
As Paul best put it:
"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a 'law man' so that i could be GOD's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine" but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."
-Galatians 2:19-21
Monday, October 20, 2008
Inky pools of despair seem to collect whenever I happen to stop and think. As much as I would enjoy being able to rest here, I cannot. It behooves me to move forward and not remain...yet still, fear seeks to chain me here. So I cannot move.
I dearly wish I could afford the price of peace and love but such things require dramatic stacks of money and time and most importantly honesty. Luxuries I used to carelessly throw away but not I clutch to quite desperately.
Not everything is lost but little is found on this excruciating jaunt across metaphysical realms of loathing and doubt. Whatever it means to be me is something beyond what I know and understand.
Which is good and bad, all together and wrapped up.
I dearly wish I could afford the price of peace and love but such things require dramatic stacks of money and time and most importantly honesty. Luxuries I used to carelessly throw away but not I clutch to quite desperately.
Not everything is lost but little is found on this excruciating jaunt across metaphysical realms of loathing and doubt. Whatever it means to be me is something beyond what I know and understand.
Which is good and bad, all together and wrapped up.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Drunk Chicken - Part Two
One of the many similarities every human being has in common with any other is that we all worship. Some people offer their love and adoration to statues, some to altars and still some offer it to other people.
A person may refuse to acknowledge the existence of any given deity but all the same we pander to something. It is just part of who we are, we acknowledge something bigger and what we perceive as being more important to us. Something(s) or someone(s) that brings us together in groups for a common reason and common purpose. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be an outlet to help someone keep their sanity.
From what I can tell there is a very common element between the Buddhist temple, the dance floor at a bar and the service at a theologically sound Christian church.
One of my biggest problems with American Christianity is this huge chip that we all seem to wear on our collective shoulder. I think it must come from a misunderstanding of Scripture and Jesus' teachings.
If at any point a Christian has the arrogant stupidity to say they are somehow better off morally and spiritually then a brothel worker, a drug pedaler or even in fact a child rapist then they have completely missed the boat.
One of the basic ideas behind Christianity is how every human is a fallen and broken individual that has offended an infinite holy being and have to deal with the consequences of being born into a broken world. At best we can hope for and maybe establish a sort of half life of sorts, where we try to act as if everything is okay but deep down we know it is not.
The beauty of Christ is that he offers a free love and a free acceptance. It goes beyond our own broken nature and offers to begin the life long process of healing a corrupted heart that was born out of selfishness.
And the horrifyingly beautiful part is that the only part we play is in accepting it. If at any point we could actually do ANYTHING to be worthy of or to earn the grace and favor of God then we have manged to implode the entire salvation process. Considering the fabric of space and time are still flowing along it is safe to say Yahweh did not explode into a puff of logic generated by a human mind.
The thing is, I love to talk about grace as much as the next Christian. Just like them I only like to talk about it and I do not like to actually live as if I am already loved and accepted. It is much easier to continue living as if every choice I made would make my life somehow closer or further from that love.
Personal responsibility is a must and ultimately no one enjoys a 'know it all' but when it comes down to it we all have to throw what we have on the table. It is much easier to talk about theories regarding creation and salvation then it is to actually accept that God loves his creation. That in His eyes we are all equal, we are either on the path towards Him or away from Him.
There is a divide between us and God called sin and Jesus is that bridge needed to get back.
"In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 3:28
I mentioned earlier about an element that keeps all of these different groups in common is that it is full of desperate human beings searching for some kind of meaning and purpose beyond the insanity of this world.
As dear old Uncle Ben of 'Spider Man' fame once said "With great power comes great responsibility." I suppose the same can be true of knowledge. The great tragedy of Americanized Christianity is that our arrogance prevents us from realizing we are living in a broken world. We are absolutely obsessed with the sound of our own voice and manage to speak loud enough to not just drown out the cries of those dying but the gentle whisper of Christ.
It is frustrating but I perceive the turning point can be that when we realize that are the problem and that what we believe is the solution but that we are not needed to save the world. We are just privileged that an infinite Love has an infinite desire to love such a finitely fickle and stupid group of people called The Church.
And oddly enough I think it would do both the world and the Church a world of good for the Church to show up for worship, I mean where the world congregates. The pubs, the casinos, the clubs, the brothels, the strip joints, the hospitals, the crack houses, the clubs and whatever else it is people gather. We are eager enough to berate people for not coming to us when we were told point blank to go to them.
Going not to judge but to simply see and learn. To realize that the people we brush off as being beneath us are worth loving and sharing love with. To realize that we are all more alike then we would care to know, that the love that flows in our veins is enough to wash away our stains and could do wonders for this broken planet.
Once again the problem is that I am a hypocrite and that I do not want to do anything except hide in my shell. I want to run screaming from real and honest relationships with people because it requires me to be human and to show the fact I am weak and can bleed.
I need this just as much as any other Christian and it sucks to admit this. It really upsets me that I have to admit I am just as screwed up as anyone else but the only difference is that I have an invisible and physically unprovable God supporting me and changing my life. It is not ideal by any human standards but it is the truth.
As Paul best put it:
"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a 'law man' so that i could be GOD's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine" but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."
-Galatians 2:19-21
A person may refuse to acknowledge the existence of any given deity but all the same we pander to something. It is just part of who we are, we acknowledge something bigger and what we perceive as being more important to us. Something(s) or someone(s) that brings us together in groups for a common reason and common purpose. It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be an outlet to help someone keep their sanity.
From what I can tell there is a very common element between the Buddhist temple, the dance floor at a bar and the service at a theologically sound Christian church.
One of my biggest problems with American Christianity is this huge chip that we all seem to wear on our collective shoulder. I think it must come from a misunderstanding of Scripture and Jesus' teachings.
If at any point a Christian has the arrogant stupidity to say they are somehow better off morally and spiritually then a brothel worker, a drug pedaler or even in fact a child rapist then they have completely missed the boat.
One of the basic ideas behind Christianity is how every human is a fallen and broken individual that has offended an infinite holy being and have to deal with the consequences of being born into a broken world. At best we can hope for and maybe establish a sort of half life of sorts, where we try to act as if everything is okay but deep down we know it is not.
The beauty of Christ is that he offers a free love and a free acceptance. It goes beyond our own broken nature and offers to begin the life long process of healing a corrupted heart that was born out of selfishness.
And the horrifyingly beautiful part is that the only part we play is in accepting it. If at any point we could actually do ANYTHING to be worthy of or to earn the grace and favor of God then we have manged to implode the entire salvation process. Considering the fabric of space and time are still flowing along it is safe to say Yahweh did not explode into a puff of logic generated by a human mind.
The thing is, I love to talk about grace as much as the next Christian. Just like them I only like to talk about it and I do not like to actually live as if I am already loved and accepted. It is much easier to continue living as if every choice I made would make my life somehow closer or further from that love.
Personal responsibility is a must and ultimately no one enjoys a 'know it all' but when it comes down to it we all have to throw what we have on the table. It is much easier to talk about theories regarding creation and salvation then it is to actually accept that God loves his creation. That in His eyes we are all equal, we are either on the path towards Him or away from Him.
There is a divide between us and God called sin and Jesus is that bridge needed to get back.
"In Christ's family there can be no division into Jew and non-Jew, slave and free, male and female. Among us you are all equal. That is, we are all in a common relationship with Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 3:28
I mentioned earlier about an element that keeps all of these different groups in common is that it is full of desperate human beings searching for some kind of meaning and purpose beyond the insanity of this world.
As dear old Uncle Ben of 'Spider Man' fame once said "With great power comes great responsibility." I suppose the same can be true of knowledge. The great tragedy of Americanized Christianity is that our arrogance prevents us from realizing we are living in a broken world. We are absolutely obsessed with the sound of our own voice and manage to speak loud enough to not just drown out the cries of those dying but the gentle whisper of Christ.
It is frustrating but I perceive the turning point can be that when we realize that are the problem and that what we believe is the solution but that we are not needed to save the world. We are just privileged that an infinite Love has an infinite desire to love such a finitely fickle and stupid group of people called The Church.
And oddly enough I think it would do both the world and the Church a world of good for the Church to show up for worship, I mean where the world congregates. The pubs, the casinos, the clubs, the brothels, the strip joints, the hospitals, the crack houses, the clubs and whatever else it is people gather. We are eager enough to berate people for not coming to us when we were told point blank to go to them.
Going not to judge but to simply see and learn. To realize that the people we brush off as being beneath us are worth loving and sharing love with. To realize that we are all more alike then we would care to know, that the love that flows in our veins is enough to wash away our stains and could do wonders for this broken planet.
Once again the problem is that I am a hypocrite and that I do not want to do anything except hide in my shell. I want to run screaming from real and honest relationships with people because it requires me to be human and to show the fact I am weak and can bleed.
I need this just as much as any other Christian and it sucks to admit this. It really upsets me that I have to admit I am just as screwed up as anyone else but the only difference is that I have an invisible and physically unprovable God supporting me and changing my life. It is not ideal by any human standards but it is the truth.
As Paul best put it:
"What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a 'law man' so that i could be GOD's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine" but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily."
-Galatians 2:19-21
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Drunk Chicken
So tonight was one of those odd nights.
By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"
Overall it was an odd experince.
Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"
But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.
Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.
Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.
I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?
I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.
Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.
Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.
By a process of events I am still too tired to fully comprehend I ended up going to my first concert in a few years as well as the bar in which the concert took place. I really wasn't sure what I was getting into, all I heard was "Free concert ticket and get in the car" and I was like "Sure, why not?"
Overall it was an odd experince.
Up until tonight I had never been to a concert that wasn't somehow supposed to be 'Christian', maybe it had something to do with playing in Christian bands or mostly listening to the junk while growing up (in actuality I think it most likely had to do with the lack of money for tickets) but I just never said "Self, let us go see the world!"
But I did see a bit of the world in which I have mostly only seen at home before. Stuff like really loud music that ranged from enjoyable to less than enjoyable, lots of stray beer bottles and intoxication floating about and lastly a lot of girls and guys interchangeable grinding themselves against one another.
Quite personally none of that (except the music) has held a lot of interest for me. I mean, I'm sure everyone has one of those days where they thought it would be funny to see a lot of intoxicated people trip over one another but it sort of grows old after awhile.
Being the product of a household of alcoholism I've never had any desire to drink. From my understanding the typical result of growing up around alcoholism is to become stunted emotionally and to copy the offending parent. I openly profess I am baffled by peoples insistence of repeating the past mistakes of others...but then again this isn't a question of logic. It is a deeper question of perspective and destination...not saying drinking is in and of itself evil, just that making oneself a slave of any desire is a ridiculously stupid idea and I say all this just to say that drinking just has absolutely no appeal to me.
I try not to be a judgmental jerk and look down on those who choose to partake and if I am of a reasonably stable mind I don't mind being around those drinking in moderation but all the same I would much prefer for people to do other things around me. Maybe like play marbles or hopscotch perhaps? No one has ever died of a hopscotch car related accidents have they?
I guess bars or clubs or whatever are basically all the same. Lot's of strange people drinking strange looking drinks while doing equally strange things on the dance floor. I stood in the corner with my faithful companions and looked over the crowd and listened to the music.
Without meaning to, I think I may have been a jerk to the rest of the group. All of them tried to engage me in conversation at one point or another but I kept zoning out and getting lost in thought. I kept getting this rather odd feeling in my stomach area. After first checking to make sure I wasn't spilling any blood out of my body I did some deep thinking for a while. I'll never understand why but my preferred music for deep thinking tends to revolve around loud, abrasive and slightly repetitive music.
Eventually I made some headway and after ducking out of the way of a few lumbering masses of happy go lucky party goers I sort of remembered what it was I was feeling. The last time I really felt like this, I was in the middle of some city in China at a Buddhist temple watching adherents perform rituals.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Galatians 3
It is interesting to think you really have cared about since the beginning, before the creation you thought of me. It is hard to believe that because it requires letting you be what is God and making myself submit to you.
My intellect, my spirituality and my works are all complete garbage in light of you. All of my efforts to be something special are nothing but a rotting and a sham. I've wasted hours agonizing over feeling hurt and scared of no future but you have spent an eternity wanting my attention and wanting to love me.
Is that really true? Do you actually care about me or is just another delusion? I'm so tired I'm becoming paranoid and think I really as am crazy as I'm afraid of being.
v.2-4
"How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God."
I guess I am crazy because I have been trying to live the best life I can from since the time I was about nine. I haven't drank, smoke, had sex or kill twelve people while robbing a bank. I do swear on occasion, enjoy rock music, think technology is a swell idea and I enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.
It is crazy to think any of those actions could save or damn me. The whole idea of salvation in the Bible stretches from Old to New Testament, this idea of a loving and infinite creator in love with his wayward creation that continually chooses to reject his love.
Even with all the sins of the creation, that creator in human form named Jesus (somehow Jesus is God and is His Son at the same time. My head aches and wants to explode)who loves the unlovable and broke stigmas and social status ideas left and right.
The way I live, act and feel about myself is that I am somehow either:
1.Better then the tax collectors, whores, drug addicts and televangelists. That somehow I am genetically superior and am able to work out salvation on my own. That doesn't work so well because one gets a sort of messiah complex in addition to just treating everyone like a jerk.
2.Somehow I am sub-human and am not worthy of love. You get the opposite thing where it's almost like this constant martyr complex where every little pain is supposed to somehow vindicate me. Once again it just shows my deep seated arrogance and how much I think of myself.
It is absolute insanity to continue to repeat the same things time and time again and somehow expect to get something different. It is annoying and agitating to think that this IS a life long process of trial and error. I'm sick of being human, I hate failing day in and day out and feeling like there is no hope. I'm disgusted at my own weakness and how I just want to cry. I'm so tired of THIS. Do you understand? Does it even make any sense as to why I'm so frustrated and annoyed?
v.11
"The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him."
Seriously?
Again, this whole me not doing anything is about to drive me insane.
I want to do something, it doesn't feel right taking grace for free but I KNOW it is the truth and anything else is a lie. I know I have endlessly embrace lies that I call truth but I know you are truth and the truth is in the absolute helplessness I am in. The truth is I have failed and have hit the bottom and I just have nothing but despair and desire to fall over and finally die.
v.12
"Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: 'The one who does these things (rule keeping) continues to live by them'"
Live by the sword and die by the sword? Live by the legalism and you die by it as well. It is this dead end Hell hole with bad plumbing and ice cubes all over the floor. It is annoying as well.
Do I seem annoyed today? I am rather annoyed believe it or not, BECAUSE it seems like my entire freaking world view is wrong, it is tainted and broken and I would like to scream for a bit. Maybe pass out too, lay on the ground and balk a bit, you know the typical stuff a small spoiled child would do. Is it too much to ask Jesus?
v.20
"But the original promise is the DIRECT blessing of God, received by faith."
That does sound nice for once. Direct blessings? Direct love? Direct compassion for the Hell I have made things?
All I have to do is just shut up and be loved...but it is so hard to accept something that terrifies me. It scares me deeply because I still do not know how much I can trust or believe in you. The best thing I can do seems like to just lay down and cry a lot, maybe pray for your mercy in death. But I know that is a cop out and wont' solve anything.
Daddy I need you. This almost schizophrenic level rush of craziness. I don't know how to breath right or how to live, I just need you Daddy. Please, please love me still. Please take this rotten life and turn it into something new.
My intellect, my spirituality and my works are all complete garbage in light of you. All of my efforts to be something special are nothing but a rotting and a sham. I've wasted hours agonizing over feeling hurt and scared of no future but you have spent an eternity wanting my attention and wanting to love me.
Is that really true? Do you actually care about me or is just another delusion? I'm so tired I'm becoming paranoid and think I really as am crazy as I'm afraid of being.
v.2-4
"How did your new life begin? Was it by working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's message to you? Are you going to continue in this craziness? For only crazy people would think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God."
I guess I am crazy because I have been trying to live the best life I can from since the time I was about nine. I haven't drank, smoke, had sex or kill twelve people while robbing a bank. I do swear on occasion, enjoy rock music, think technology is a swell idea and I enjoy Dungeons and Dragons.
It is crazy to think any of those actions could save or damn me. The whole idea of salvation in the Bible stretches from Old to New Testament, this idea of a loving and infinite creator in love with his wayward creation that continually chooses to reject his love.
Even with all the sins of the creation, that creator in human form named Jesus (somehow Jesus is God and is His Son at the same time. My head aches and wants to explode)who loves the unlovable and broke stigmas and social status ideas left and right.
The way I live, act and feel about myself is that I am somehow either:
1.Better then the tax collectors, whores, drug addicts and televangelists. That somehow I am genetically superior and am able to work out salvation on my own. That doesn't work so well because one gets a sort of messiah complex in addition to just treating everyone like a jerk.
2.Somehow I am sub-human and am not worthy of love. You get the opposite thing where it's almost like this constant martyr complex where every little pain is supposed to somehow vindicate me. Once again it just shows my deep seated arrogance and how much I think of myself.
It is absolute insanity to continue to repeat the same things time and time again and somehow expect to get something different. It is annoying and agitating to think that this IS a life long process of trial and error. I'm sick of being human, I hate failing day in and day out and feeling like there is no hope. I'm disgusted at my own weakness and how I just want to cry. I'm so tired of THIS. Do you understand? Does it even make any sense as to why I'm so frustrated and annoyed?
v.11
"The person who lives in right relationship with God does it by embracing what God arranges for him."
Seriously?
Again, this whole me not doing anything is about to drive me insane.
I want to do something, it doesn't feel right taking grace for free but I KNOW it is the truth and anything else is a lie. I know I have endlessly embrace lies that I call truth but I know you are truth and the truth is in the absolute helplessness I am in. The truth is I have failed and have hit the bottom and I just have nothing but despair and desire to fall over and finally die.
v.12
"Rule-keeping does not naturally evolve into living by faith, but only perpetuates itself in more and more rule-keeping, a fact observed in Scripture: 'The one who does these things (rule keeping) continues to live by them'"
Live by the sword and die by the sword? Live by the legalism and you die by it as well. It is this dead end Hell hole with bad plumbing and ice cubes all over the floor. It is annoying as well.
Do I seem annoyed today? I am rather annoyed believe it or not, BECAUSE it seems like my entire freaking world view is wrong, it is tainted and broken and I would like to scream for a bit. Maybe pass out too, lay on the ground and balk a bit, you know the typical stuff a small spoiled child would do. Is it too much to ask Jesus?
v.20
"But the original promise is the DIRECT blessing of God, received by faith."
That does sound nice for once. Direct blessings? Direct love? Direct compassion for the Hell I have made things?
All I have to do is just shut up and be loved...but it is so hard to accept something that terrifies me. It scares me deeply because I still do not know how much I can trust or believe in you. The best thing I can do seems like to just lay down and cry a lot, maybe pray for your mercy in death. But I know that is a cop out and wont' solve anything.
Daddy I need you. This almost schizophrenic level rush of craziness. I don't know how to breath right or how to live, I just need you Daddy. Please, please love me still. Please take this rotten life and turn it into something new.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I know it is sad that it takes a painkiller to make it possible for me to get out of bed (yes the urologist visit yesterday WAS that painful. Believe me you do NOT want details and I'm too embarrassed to share)much less function. I know it is drugs but they were prescribed and seriously, I was in more pain then I was after my surgery...it's just location and such.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Galatians 1
v.6: I can't believe your fickleness - how easily you have turned traitor to him who called you by the grace of Christ by embracing a variant message! It is not a minor variation, you know; it is completely other, an alien message, a no-message, a lie about God.
I am quite agitated by my own fickleness about what I believe. I am angry with how caught up with myself, I am. I'm so frustrated and annoyed and I just almost want to scream.
Some sort of security in You would be nice but I don't even remmeber how to go about finding that anymore.
v.11-12: If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this - I am most emphatic here, friends - this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive through th e traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ.
I have trouble believing anymore, so many things seems simply relative but deep down I know your truth and love you. I'm just worn out and exhausted. I need some sort of renewing, some revival of my decaying spirit.
Music is a language all to itself and the words you sing make me strive to live again. Please do not let me die here Father, please keep loving an evil and uncaring fiend like me. I need You.
Now I've come to a final sleep
I pray that forgiveness is mine to keep
I know it's hard to forgive this man
Driving the failure into your hands
-"Fading Away", Demon Hunter
I am quite agitated by my own fickleness about what I believe. I am angry with how caught up with myself, I am. I'm so frustrated and annoyed and I just almost want to scream.
Some sort of security in You would be nice but I don't even remmeber how to go about finding that anymore.
v.11-12: If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this - I am most emphatic here, friends - this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive through th e traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ.
I have trouble believing anymore, so many things seems simply relative but deep down I know your truth and love you. I'm just worn out and exhausted. I need some sort of renewing, some revival of my decaying spirit.
Music is a language all to itself and the words you sing make me strive to live again. Please do not let me die here Father, please keep loving an evil and uncaring fiend like me. I need You.
Now I've come to a final sleep
I pray that forgiveness is mine to keep
I know it's hard to forgive this man
Driving the failure into your hands
-"Fading Away", Demon Hunter
Paper Tree
Blank pages flutter down from the shelves.
I knew them but never believed in them.
It's not like I was anything else but me
but here I am.
Life unwritten and hungry for some meaning.
Every word I try to speak gets caught up in my throat,
my heart being ripped out by these sentiments.
Looking at you in that cage,
that horribly metaphorical coffin,
I can't help but remmeber everything I have lost.
Every pain, every tear and every drop of blood
and you have the nerve to pretend everything is okay.
It isn't enough for you to spit on the graves
but then you have to crawl in.
It's not like we didn't hear your moans
and your slight effort at being a saint.
But we simply didn't care for someone so fake.
The pages fall like rain
and I forget simple words.
Basic patterns for life elude
because here I am, just me, waiting.
Waiting for what?
It is this steady rhythm of life.
Distortion in the sky and clouds swell in the sky,
ready to pour their anguish onto the land.
These words cannot redeem or salvage a shred of hope.
They will never restore dignity or placate a broken trust.
It is just these unnerving white papers,
devoid of deliberate purpose
and your touch.
I want to go home.
I knew them but never believed in them.
It's not like I was anything else but me
but here I am.
Life unwritten and hungry for some meaning.
Every word I try to speak gets caught up in my throat,
my heart being ripped out by these sentiments.
Looking at you in that cage,
that horribly metaphorical coffin,
I can't help but remmeber everything I have lost.
Every pain, every tear and every drop of blood
and you have the nerve to pretend everything is okay.
It isn't enough for you to spit on the graves
but then you have to crawl in.
It's not like we didn't hear your moans
and your slight effort at being a saint.
But we simply didn't care for someone so fake.
The pages fall like rain
and I forget simple words.
Basic patterns for life elude
because here I am, just me, waiting.
Waiting for what?
It is this steady rhythm of life.
Distortion in the sky and clouds swell in the sky,
ready to pour their anguish onto the land.
These words cannot redeem or salvage a shred of hope.
They will never restore dignity or placate a broken trust.
It is just these unnerving white papers,
devoid of deliberate purpose
and your touch.
I want to go home.
More Mindlessly Self Indulgent Ramblings
I really wish I was not a jerk.
Really, I sort of disgust myself when I stop to look at myself. How long have I been living this incredible self indulgent lifestyle?
It's like...I want to run away from anything that could be misconstrued as being real...whether it be in work, purpose or most frightening...relationships.
What does it mean to be Matthew Pike?
Ask me that and my initial response will most likely be some random and horrible attempt at dark humor. "That guy who acts like he is something but he is nothing.", "Isn't he that moron who keeps giving me a headache" or my personal favorite "Wasn't he recently voted most likely to be cause of the apocalypse?".
They make me chuckle because I have no sense of taste.
If I could stop with the stupid jokes for longer than five minutes I would stop and realize how funny it is not, especially to those who happen to be in a position of caring about me.
People can only stand being around a black hole of hope and life for so long...and you know, the ironic thing is I just made the stupid self depreciating gesture. Again.
Why does honesty have to be so painful much less so terrifying?
Could I not just be myself longer than a few minutes or must I put up yet another mask so no one (much less myself) will see me for the human I am.
How can I pull all of these loose threads into some sort of coherent understanding?
I want to be understood but at the same time the very thought of being wanted and accepted scares me, it scares me deeply. I want to hide behind other people because it would mean that I will not have to take responsibility.
Just to clarify, I do run from responsibility but at the same time I do understand the necessity of actual work. I haven't just been hiding behind a facade, I have and am experiencing extreme abdominal pain and organs and stones have been removed from my body.
It hasn't been a field day.
I haven't been able to concentrate on even completing any personal projects with the months of freedom while trying to heal because of how constantly stressed out I am.
Home life is acting as a bottomless well of stress, factor in the fact I've almost died because of medical stuff and because of the efforts of someone wanting me to die, throw in the fact I am feeling very torn about the prospect of love and ever being able to be married, I am feeling very distant from God and that we are so far apart right now, I feel as if my very breath is a toxin that is tainting the world, I feel like my purpose is to exist and contribute to the pain flowing through the world, I feel the need to constantly hate myself because of the lack of perfection, I see the perfection of Your love but see the shallow and disgusting grave that my love creates.
All of these factors mean something, they are part of something bigger that I cannot understand. I like to act and put on a show as if I understand but to be perfectly honest I do not know.
It kills me to know that I am so limited in everything.
I wish I could stop being a prick long enough to love my family and be loved by them. It scares me. I can't stand visiting certain friends anymore because they have a home life set up and that feeling is scary. It is unnerving to be an environment of love and acceptance and being wanted.
Being here is like having my lungs constantly compressed, my heart constantly placed in a vice grip, it is as if I receive this constant reassurance that I am a failure incapable of love and that I should not even try.
The thing is, except for a few extreme events that happen every few months nothing really happens. It is just this. This dank and tangible darkness that I am part of.
It feels like I am being swallowed whole by it, it's been a part of my life since I was born and I had escaped it for a few months by going to Mobile for college but really it never left my side.
It's like a deep infection that burns through the night and keeps me awake, it stops me from wanting to go to church, makes me unable to take criticism and much less jokes from family members, it makes me want myself to be permanently damaged and choose to hate me.
There are so many other complicated words, thoughts and feelings in all of this but ultimately I just longed to be loved as me but more than that I want to be moved out of this pit, this desperate hate that consumes me.
Really, I sort of disgust myself when I stop to look at myself. How long have I been living this incredible self indulgent lifestyle?
It's like...I want to run away from anything that could be misconstrued as being real...whether it be in work, purpose or most frightening...relationships.
What does it mean to be Matthew Pike?
Ask me that and my initial response will most likely be some random and horrible attempt at dark humor. "That guy who acts like he is something but he is nothing.", "Isn't he that moron who keeps giving me a headache" or my personal favorite "Wasn't he recently voted most likely to be cause of the apocalypse?".
They make me chuckle because I have no sense of taste.
If I could stop with the stupid jokes for longer than five minutes I would stop and realize how funny it is not, especially to those who happen to be in a position of caring about me.
People can only stand being around a black hole of hope and life for so long...and you know, the ironic thing is I just made the stupid self depreciating gesture. Again.
Why does honesty have to be so painful much less so terrifying?
Could I not just be myself longer than a few minutes or must I put up yet another mask so no one (much less myself) will see me for the human I am.
How can I pull all of these loose threads into some sort of coherent understanding?
I want to be understood but at the same time the very thought of being wanted and accepted scares me, it scares me deeply. I want to hide behind other people because it would mean that I will not have to take responsibility.
Just to clarify, I do run from responsibility but at the same time I do understand the necessity of actual work. I haven't just been hiding behind a facade, I have and am experiencing extreme abdominal pain and organs and stones have been removed from my body.
It hasn't been a field day.
I haven't been able to concentrate on even completing any personal projects with the months of freedom while trying to heal because of how constantly stressed out I am.
Home life is acting as a bottomless well of stress, factor in the fact I've almost died because of medical stuff and because of the efforts of someone wanting me to die, throw in the fact I am feeling very torn about the prospect of love and ever being able to be married, I am feeling very distant from God and that we are so far apart right now, I feel as if my very breath is a toxin that is tainting the world, I feel like my purpose is to exist and contribute to the pain flowing through the world, I feel the need to constantly hate myself because of the lack of perfection, I see the perfection of Your love but see the shallow and disgusting grave that my love creates.
All of these factors mean something, they are part of something bigger that I cannot understand. I like to act and put on a show as if I understand but to be perfectly honest I do not know.
It kills me to know that I am so limited in everything.
I wish I could stop being a prick long enough to love my family and be loved by them. It scares me. I can't stand visiting certain friends anymore because they have a home life set up and that feeling is scary. It is unnerving to be an environment of love and acceptance and being wanted.
Being here is like having my lungs constantly compressed, my heart constantly placed in a vice grip, it is as if I receive this constant reassurance that I am a failure incapable of love and that I should not even try.
The thing is, except for a few extreme events that happen every few months nothing really happens. It is just this. This dank and tangible darkness that I am part of.
It feels like I am being swallowed whole by it, it's been a part of my life since I was born and I had escaped it for a few months by going to Mobile for college but really it never left my side.
It's like a deep infection that burns through the night and keeps me awake, it stops me from wanting to go to church, makes me unable to take criticism and much less jokes from family members, it makes me want myself to be permanently damaged and choose to hate me.
There are so many other complicated words, thoughts and feelings in all of this but ultimately I just longed to be loved as me but more than that I want to be moved out of this pit, this desperate hate that consumes me.
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