Another mostly wasted day with worthless thoughts, worse than all of that they were stupid and pitiful.

I want to feel something more than I am, be something else.

But the problem I keep running into is that I am just me.

Nothing, nothing and nothing.

I want to scream to find some sort of answer, some sort of sanity and relief.

Recollections Going and Gone Wild

I've lost this ability to be transparent...I just want to mask everything in metaphors. Ever since I committed what feels like the unforgettable mistake of opening myself up to relationships while in college...it is just like my soul has done nothing but die.

This has been nothing but a constant downward spiral ever since I said that first yes and was naive enough to open myself up in hope towards incomprehensibly broken humans.

I honestly do not care how dramatic this sounds and you know, I think that is the point. The point is, is that it does hurt. Is that my life has been changed and that it has been a constant train wreck of bad decisions.

It hasn't all been bad, that is not my point but my point is that right now I am a byproduct of all of the bad decisions and bad investments of relationships.

What the hell is it with people and sex?

I'm so happy I'm still a virgin. Kissing can be do empty and devoid of meaning...I don't understand how people can just throw themselves into sex. If I honestly had as empty an experince with sex as I have with something as stupid as a kiss...seriously I think I would kill myself out of depression and despair.

It is tragic how stupid and shortsighted humans are. We look for purpose but only want something that keeps us entertained/feeling good about ourselves/feeling cool. As soon as anything that resembles commitment or sacrifices comes around we run like the cowards we are.

It is disgusting and just heart breaking.

I can't judge them because Jesus was smart enough to say that lusting is enough for someone to be guilty of committing adultery. The heart is where sin is born and my heart is this rotten and pathetic thing.

I just want to scream to the entire world about how senseless this all is, how human I am, how I don't want to care anymore but I do.

I'm sick of being stuck with conditions I never asked or desired to experince. I miss being a child with no real understanding of good or evil, at least I could enjoy life. Now...oh ho, NOW since I have a degree in Jesus and have had my heart ripped apart I know what good and evil is.

I have discovered how everyone lies and no one is good. Everyone is a selfish and apathetic person wanting to run away from the first sign of someone else being human. You may have a small minority who are somehow born more innocent than the rest of us...but I know I am not. I am dirty, angry and exhausted.

I have lived in this disgusting mud for what seems like eternity.

I scream and rage against the walls of this prison and all I get are odd looks. The next person who tells me 'You are only human.', 'Stop thinking and enjoy life' or 'It's okay to be human' are going to get punched in the face. I know I'm human, I can't turn my mind off and be like you and I sure doubt I will ever be comfortable with being something that is not perfect.

It feels disgusting to be made to feel like a freak...simply because I actually bother to see the truth. For bothering to point out the inherent hypocrisy that others so willingly embrace and to know that most everything is forever and ever pointless and devoid of any substantial meaning other than the absolute finite and pathetic 'meaning' we attribute to it.

I can't hide the truth of my hate, my angry, my loneliness, my pain, my isolation and my overwhelming disgust anymore. Being human...being alive feels like nothing more than this living plague where my natural desire is to use and destroy everything around me.

Love?

Don't make me sick.

I hate that word. I've used it in so many ways that it makes me want to vomit.
This stupid lust, those disgusting kisses, those wasted memories those ever growing feelings of being used and just being a piece of meat...yeah baby it was great and all except for the part where seeing your face made me want to shoot myself. Every little reminder is like having a hot knife shoved repeatedly into my stomach and pushed even deeper.

My first love? Never. No more of a need to talk about it because I'm sure she doesn't even know what I'm talking about.

I'm not crazy, crazy people do not stop to wonder if they are crazy. About every fifth thought I have is a worry about being crazy. I'm only crazy in the sense that people would ideally wish for me to shut up or maybe hope I can ran over by a truck or something.

No one wants to face the idea that they consist of nothing more than hypocritical lies that will add up to and mean nothing.

I'm tired of feeling empty and that everything I do is trite and meaningless.

I'm so tired from screaming all of this, I'm so tired for being so broken and hurting.
I'm sick of just everything that I am and I so want to be freed, again.

I can't handle this much longer. You know how much longer I can go before I break down, please keep this in mind. If I break again I have no doubt it will be my last and I won't be able to recover. I need something now before I fall off this cliff, i need something real that can only come from you.

Please.

Somehow I have acted as though my words have meaning,
as if by my feeble expressions I can shift the unknowing
and somehow bend the impossibilities of the eternal
into some comprehensible understanding.

All that is comprehensible in this
is my ignorance and fallacies.
These pretty words painted on porcelain,
hues made to match the stained glass of your mind.
These pretty useless artifacts
serving to only raise our thinly veiled narcissism.

The glass breaks and shatters
cutting flesh and opening the soul with wounds
beyond the surface.
Showing the ugly side of being human,
this lust for pleasure
and hatred of anything pure.
Disgust for anything other than myself.
This narcissistic love.

I hate how freaking pointless almost everything is.

Yeah, you too.

Revised Thoughts Of Life

I'm alive.

It is good to be awake on a morning I otherwise would have not have been aware of, were it not for the good and bad. Both are anchors that pull at me but the beautiful thing is they do keep my grounded.

Both good and bad have purposes and ways they help propel and give purpose.

I'm almost afraid to be myself because I have no clue who I am. It seems like I have just been living in this self focused and self obsessed life forever. The last time I was genuinely happy was when I was doing something that had nothing to do with my own personal happiness or contentment.

So few thoughts can make the sort of sense that you do.
Every word you speak is another synonym,
a meaning of life that is only trite
when I stop to realize the malice
that can only be in absolute fallacy.

Every whispered word at night
followed by such weak sighs,
it is disconcerting.
Are you already tired of playing Jesus?
It hasn't even been a week yet.
You have to be a bit more apt
if you want to play this mindless game.
God love you
because I sure do not.

Duality screams at you,
like the battered shell of your life.
Did you not even realize it was a lie?

It's almost as sad
as this broken attempts
at regulating life
in a box by box mentality
that politics tries to be.

It's almost as sad as the day you left me
but never as happy as when I saw the real you
staring into me,
like a sick animal
only worried about consuming.

Well baby I know the truth,
so please help me by helping you.

Pretty words tonight
just taking up the air,
pretty words tonight
almost feel like a dare.

I could love you or leave you,
hate you or just be me.
But the end result is something
you would never expect to see.

Pleasant days
and dreams of rain.

Hold tight to your steady course
bursting forth on ahead.

You might have miss the point,
unless you actually looked for once.
Bothered to see something deeper
that is beyond your own pretentiously
venomous lips.

Why?

Just why?

It is amazing how sick you make me.
Or is it just myself?

I sure wish i could sleep.

Gee that would be nice actually.

I'm starting the best politics are the kind that would involve launching the earth into the sun.

At least all the debt will go up in smoke! Woo!

Ghetto Zorro Thoughts

Basic Time Line

Pre-2004 - Because of huge debt and an inability to get sufficient donations to fund the expansion programs, the University of Mobile agrees to house experimental power generators in their soon to be built new dorms. These new generators run off of an unknown element suspected to be extraterrestrial.

Fall 2004 - All major players in the Ghetto Zorro Universe attend the University of Mobile as Freshmen. Most important of notice is that the one day heroes known as Ghetto Zorro and Urban Ninja Boy meet each other for the first time, as well as their soon to be mortal foes Darth Zader, Pickpocket Luigi and Emperor Santa (who exists in multiple forms). The only ones to know each other before this time are Andrew and Josh who are to become terrors not only on campus but on a universal scale.

Spring 2005 - By this time all of the main players of the soon to come events know each other and have became friends that regularly spend time together.

March 3rd, 2005 - The time of the emergency alarm begins.

At approximately 3:00 AM on this morning the monitoring alarms for the Power Generators begin to go off causing confusion and chaos in the dorms. Although these are written off as being nothing more than false fire alarms more sinister intentions lay behind closed doors.

March through May - Numerous incidents involving the warning alarms for the generators go off before being eventually removed, the reasoning being that whatever the students do not know will never hurt them.

Fall 2005 - Due to seemingly random events all of Matt's former roommates leave school and Jon and himself become roommates.

-Because of increased budget cuts, the power to the school from outside sources is frequently cut off at inconvenient hours. To a certain degree the experimental generators are able to supplement sufficient power prompting the administration to green light other secretive projects on campus.

...one day the secret experimental generators that had been installed in Samford hall begin to go awry, in big ways.

November 13th 2005

2:05 PM
-Matt and Jon are in their room doing their respective homework when a horrible noise of metal screeching is heard. Everyone on their floor stick their head out their doors but see nothing. Assuming everything is normal they head back but then the entire foundation of the dorm is rocked by an explosion.

Random sections of the dorm are consumed by flames, others simply evaporate from the explosion, still others 'phase' out of existence, simply ceasing to exist.

2:10 PM
-Jon crawls out from beneath his desk feeling disoriented but otherwise fine. Calling out to his friend Matt he turns and is shocked to find that the side of the room inhabited by his roommate had simply dissipated, he could look down and see the second floor room beneath what had been Matt's half of the room.

2:11 PM

Matt awakens to find himself in an ethereal plane of existence, he is simply floating amongst sections of his room and odd parts of Samford Dorm in a seemingly endless void.

2:14 PM

Josh carries his badly injured roommate Andrew from the rubble of their room and Andrew is immediately taken by the swarms of officials and security that were surrounding the disaster area. Josh is left standing there, baffled by the lack of medical personal that seemed to be there. Without warning he collapses and falls into a coma he will not come out of for days.

2:15 PM

Jon had begun his climb out of the wreckage of the third floor using multiple strands of Christmas lights as improvised rope. proximately half way down he plummets the remaining twenty feet and lands in a perfect crouch incurring no damage and surprising himself. Brushing himself off he quickly joins in the hunt for his friends and other survivors, hoping his roommate was to be found.

2:18

Josh and Andrew along with others injured in the explosion are taken to recently built medical facilities that exist in what were former storage areas in Weaver Hall.

2:35 PM

By this time camera crews from various television stations have gathered. Both school and government officials write the explosion off as being nothing more than an unfortunate gas line that was ignited by a series of improbable events. Being caught up in the human drama unfolding before them, be it friends finding friends, families finding loves ones and all mourning the loss, no further questioning over the situation occurs.

2:37

By this time Andrew has begun to be fitted with a special survival suit that includes a body temperature regulator, breathing apparatus and vital signs monitor. Due to the similarity to the iconic villain he is dubbed by the medical personal as being 'Darth Zader'.

Josh is under monitor by those in control of the facilities and every few minutes he seems to seize up and every function of his body freezes. It is later suspected that somehow his body was still interacting with the space time disturbances at the dorm and each 'seize' was the creation of an exact clone of himself.

These clones would be mostly harmless and get themselves killed in seemingly inexplicable ways except for one who would declare himself Emperor Santa and attempt to cause the world to become eternally froze. Always winter but never Christmas.

2:47

Matt was still in the void and although he had not begun to fully understand where he was a sense of understanding had begun to fill him.

More tests, more undetermined results.

Hooray.

I suppose I should not be shocked I cannot sleep, it isn't like getting sleep is actually healthy or beneficial for retaining what few shreds of sanity I currently cling to.

I am...I just...that is just it. I am.

I want to run and hide for every reason but the real reason which is my compulsion to stay.

God I HATE Nightmares

I hate nightmares...what details I remember:

-The initial setup was similar to my first church Providence except there was a huge sewer system around.-One of the older ladies, one I held dearest wasnted to die.
-After she euthanized herself all Hell broke loose. It become some sort of cross between Lord of the Flies with a dark, Matrix Online feel.
-The set up of the area became like Mobile's campus and I was in the equivalent of Ingram/Machine hiding but for some stupid reason I went to Zion/Samford. A fight broke out there and people were cannibalizing one another. I took a few bites myself but I think I escaped.
-The last part with the matrix ovetones...we were all clones. Being bitten and loosing flesh I didn't bleed, it was this sappy stuff. Some kind of clone internment camp. All the guard where of a cloned character theme from the matrix.
-Before all Hell broke loose there were some crepy stuff in the sewer, people disappearing, lot's of unexplored rooms and some kind of thing or person who was killing people.
-My mom was there in the beginning, for some reason I told her she was beautiful, there was a picture of her from her senior year in high school. I said she was still beautiful, maybe not exactly the same eye stopper now but beautiful all the same. I'm fairly sure she was one of the first people to die when all Hell began breaking loose and there was nothing I can do.

I don't believe I can or want to remember anymore but my throat and mouth are on fire, I have no drink but I'm terrified of going to get one since it is sill dark.

God, what are you letting happen to me?

God I can't stand much more of this.

I hate myself so much and want to throw up...I want to just be rid of so much of me.

Is there no peace? No simple salvation from the pain?

It is such an odd jest of faith, that the most important thing in my life is that which I run from and cannot tell others.

You simply offer yourself and in fear I hurt you and hurt myself.

I run like a coward and hide behind this stupid covers and hope you leave me...but you never do.

I want to find myself so I can die, I want to die so I can maybe live and I want to live so I can try to believe in Your love.

Things are so...I do not know.

It is hard for me to pretend I have any sort of grasp on anything. I'm in pain physically I still want to pray for death, want to indulge my weakness and lay here and hope my life leaves quickly.

The tears turn red from the blood and all I know is I love you. I hate me but I love you. I love me and try to love you but all I end up doing hurting you worse. This stark tension could be cut with a knife but I enjoy being separated so much. The sick and broken part of me loves the attention you shower on me, seeing you beg and plead for my affection to be returned. I enjoy seeing people fawn over my sickness and am afraid if I ever get healthy than I will be alone. Worse yet I will have to make life changing decisions and risk absolute failure, all for what?

All for what? Life and its own sake.

So close and so far at the time same, our hearts beat byt not in sync or in tempo, just in a longing desire to be near, once again.

I want to go Home.

Please.

Well I feel dumb now. >_<

Sleep?

Please?

Even though I am trying so damn hard I cannot fake being happy. I feel so confused, so lost, so alone right now...I mean...words are lacking in my mind and vocabulary to try and describe this...to understand and maybe even try to rationalize this...but the more I try the more I fail. The greater the effort I put forth the ever greater failure I experience.

Why can I not sleep? Can I at least have a decent amount of rest so I can try to confront this damnable life? Is the only plan you have is for me to become sicker and more angry and more paranoid?

It would be nice to actually have someone genuinely say everything will be alright but I know, I know you give no promises like that. It is pure bullshit to say You want us to be in a situation where we are healthy, happy and full of material wealth. You only promise pain and suffering and if that is what I am to bear in life, if this is my lot then I ask you to please forgive my lack of faith and the absence of compassion.

You created me and rescued me from my own Hells time and again, so what now? I can't pretend to understand, to know what is right or wrong. So many things I hae taken for granted and I have lost them.

Is the night soon to overtake me? How much longer will I be able to walk in this day before the night steals my breath away?

I am so tired. I do not know if I even desire to walk forward anymore.

I just, I have never been this spread thin, this exhausted...this...ready to have it all end in one fell swoop.

If you are even real, if you love me, please let this be the end of either my despair ot the end of my life in this moral realm.

I cannot hang onto promises and just words, I need strength, a vigor that died years ago. My breath is hard to take and my sight grows darker.

Whatever is your will please let it be. Regardless of my destination and health, as long as I am next to you I will make it.

Just, please do not forget me.
Please.

Seriously, what is up with all of you people, friend I mean, getting married?

Slow down.

Some of us are still too immature and unsure of ourselves. If all of you get married without me then who am I going to hang out with?!?

I really wish things were much less complicated and so less exacerbatingly exhausting.