The only place I feel safe is my room but it acts like a prison cell, cutting me off from the rest of the world. But God, I can't handle much more contact with the people I know. I am feeling so stretched...like I am pulled to far apart...too many conflicts, pains and confusing sentiments.
I want to go home.
Beyond this desolate wasteland.
This cheap plasticland with no sense of real,
I'm so sick of this all.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
I'm thinking you might not recall that morning...but I do. It was on the History channel and I almost died the night before. You gave me a bowl of cereal after I had a very long and rough night of not being able to sleep.
It's amazing how being treated like a human can be so humanizing...a reminder that it is okay to just be me...that all the thoughts I process are just thoughts and do not mean anything more then I allow for them to.
It's amazing how being treated like a human can be so humanizing...a reminder that it is okay to just be me...that all the thoughts I process are just thoughts and do not mean anything more then I allow for them to.
As A Matter of Fact
You ask for a why but herein there lies no reason.
You want to know me deeper
and feel that the reason is real.
I can't offer you anything but uncertainty,
a look at the masks I wear and the lies
forever tied around my neck,
millstones crashing into the dark deeps.
This is me,
the real me,
the me never seen.
You wouldn't know me if you could see,
could see me being him
and he staring as me.
The most sincere thing I can do is lie.
Because stories embody more truth
then anyone can bare.
It's not like you can breath underwater
or take my life for it's problem.
I want to be free,
run free,
escape from this constraint of life.
To not feel like every breath of my being
is just another lie and another burden,
something to be tolerated but never accepted
for me.
I can be me but you wouldn't know me,
you would never see me walk across your street.
You are just happy knowing this half life
because you are afraid to be disappointed in my humanity.
You want to know me deeper
and feel that the reason is real.
I can't offer you anything but uncertainty,
a look at the masks I wear and the lies
forever tied around my neck,
millstones crashing into the dark deeps.
This is me,
the real me,
the me never seen.
You wouldn't know me if you could see,
could see me being him
and he staring as me.
The most sincere thing I can do is lie.
Because stories embody more truth
then anyone can bare.
It's not like you can breath underwater
or take my life for it's problem.
I want to be free,
run free,
escape from this constraint of life.
To not feel like every breath of my being
is just another lie and another burden,
something to be tolerated but never accepted
for me.
I can be me but you wouldn't know me,
you would never see me walk across your street.
You are just happy knowing this half life
because you are afraid to be disappointed in my humanity.
Twelve (Mostly) Good Reasons To Vote for Cthulhu for President in 2008
My friends another election year is before us.
Republicans versus Democrats, liberals versus conservatives, ethnic groups versus ethnic groups, ninjas versus pirates, religious zealots versus those less inclined to use explosives as a negotiating tactic...and many more groups of well renown will waste countless millions of dollars on fundamentally pointless campaigns and debates all to bring us all to what is quite noticeably the "same darn thing term after term".
My friends, it is time for a change.
Instead of voting for the same tired politicians who are bound by being "all too human" I urge you to consider another choice.
A higher choice.
Consider...Cthulu.
1.Odds are you have trouble pronouncing his name too.
2.When you are an Elder God you do not have to worry about petty things such as being too old or too inexperienced to run for such a job as leader of the free world. Other requirements such as being patriotic,having a military record and in general being 'nice' tend go out the window as well.
3.There will not be much of a need to worry about the Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice debate because Cthulhu tends to lean quite heavily towards the Pro-Eradication of Everything stance, which turns out to negate the need for that particular sensitive argument.
4.Equality will no longer be an issue because all of humanity will be enslaved in the ever present darkness of horror that will sweep the globe.
5.Wall Street worries? Our new currency will run off of what I have been told will loosely be knows as "The Cries of The Eternally Tortured Damned That Reside Under His Most Unholy Tentacled Face's Throne".
Obviously it will have a higher exchange rate against the Euro.
6. The seal motto "e pluribus unum" is to be replaced with "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn".
How does one hope to ever compare the obviously inferior "Out of Many, One." to the eloquent beauty of "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."
7.No more debates over whether or not America is a Christian nation. Mandatory copies of the Necronomicon ex Mortise will be shipped out to every household (Deadites not included).
8.I seriously doubt any terrorist group could be fundamentally idiotic enough to launch an attack under his lovingly desolate eyes of utterly nihilistic destruction.
9.Cthulhu couldn't blink in the face of danger if he wanted to.
10.Concerned about being Green? With his new "Eternally Scorched Earth Scorched Earth Wasteland" policy, there will no longer be a need for groups such as Greenpeace, PETA or Al Gore.
11.Sick of special interests groups and corruption scandals? Cthulu believes in equality for all citizens and will equally destroy both the loyal and unwilling of his servants.
12.Once you hear him speak no one is able to resist his call.
Republicans versus Democrats, liberals versus conservatives, ethnic groups versus ethnic groups, ninjas versus pirates, religious zealots versus those less inclined to use explosives as a negotiating tactic...and many more groups of well renown will waste countless millions of dollars on fundamentally pointless campaigns and debates all to bring us all to what is quite noticeably the "same darn thing term after term".
My friends, it is time for a change.
Instead of voting for the same tired politicians who are bound by being "all too human" I urge you to consider another choice.
A higher choice.
Consider...Cthulu.
1.Odds are you have trouble pronouncing his name too.
2.When you are an Elder God you do not have to worry about petty things such as being too old or too inexperienced to run for such a job as leader of the free world. Other requirements such as being patriotic,having a military record and in general being 'nice' tend go out the window as well.
3.There will not be much of a need to worry about the Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice debate because Cthulhu tends to lean quite heavily towards the Pro-Eradication of Everything stance, which turns out to negate the need for that particular sensitive argument.
4.Equality will no longer be an issue because all of humanity will be enslaved in the ever present darkness of horror that will sweep the globe.
5.Wall Street worries? Our new currency will run off of what I have been told will loosely be knows as "The Cries of The Eternally Tortured Damned That Reside Under His Most Unholy Tentacled Face's Throne".
Obviously it will have a higher exchange rate against the Euro.
6. The seal motto "e pluribus unum" is to be replaced with "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn".
How does one hope to ever compare the obviously inferior "Out of Many, One." to the eloquent beauty of "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."
7.No more debates over whether or not America is a Christian nation. Mandatory copies of the Necronomicon ex Mortise will be shipped out to every household (Deadites not included).
8.I seriously doubt any terrorist group could be fundamentally idiotic enough to launch an attack under his lovingly desolate eyes of utterly nihilistic destruction.
9.Cthulhu couldn't blink in the face of danger if he wanted to.
10.Concerned about being Green? With his new "Eternally Scorched Earth Scorched Earth Wasteland" policy, there will no longer be a need for groups such as Greenpeace, PETA or Al Gore.
11.Sick of special interests groups and corruption scandals? Cthulu believes in equality for all citizens and will equally destroy both the loyal and unwilling of his servants.
12.Once you hear him speak no one is able to resist his call.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I hate my sexuality, my emotions, my mental state, my weakness, my fear, my loves, my lusts, my desires, my weaknesses, my being, myself, my core, my central thought, my spirit, my intellect and my philosophy.
So much wrong and yet there is so much left that has potential and could be right.
Could be.
So very close.
So much wrong and yet there is so much left that has potential and could be right.
Could be.
So very close.
I'm still in literal fear for my life...even though it was on Monday...or Tuesday...or something. I can't even remember all that well. This week has just been a medicated haze...if I didn't need the pills for control of the nausea and pain then I would have never taken them. I'm out of antidepressants and I'm much to freaked out to back to the psychiatrist.
It is a weird place to be...it feels like I'm almost dead and almost alive...this gray place between light and dark. There is a weird contradiction in me being here, being alive, feeling, thinking, processing when there is so much...anti-life...so much death at every possible intersection and corner of life.
It isn't dramatic when you stop to think that every word is a symbol and has meaning only in proper context and enunciation...it is a construct we invented to keep our sanity, just like time. We lord our man made constructions as being God like in order for us to hurt and press down on those we deem inferior.
Not being able to pronounce every word correctly, making spelling and grammatical errors...yeah, that makes you such a big shot. Makes me look ignorant and stupid, shows me as being the genetic mistake that I am.
Every ounce of academic knowledge you so desperately cling to...as if it were some grand and impervious defense...as much as you like to pretend you are something special, somehow bigger and better...you are absolutely nothing.
My memories, my pain, my emotions are something tangible. My experiences with the other is something tangible. Maybe not to you or to others but it is something.
Every last tear I have cried, every shred of my innocence ripped from my being, every last inch of my sanity that I have lost in this fight...all of them are real. Real as the grave markers that show where my dead family lay.
It is a weird place to be...it feels like I'm almost dead and almost alive...this gray place between light and dark. There is a weird contradiction in me being here, being alive, feeling, thinking, processing when there is so much...anti-life...so much death at every possible intersection and corner of life.
It isn't dramatic when you stop to think that every word is a symbol and has meaning only in proper context and enunciation...it is a construct we invented to keep our sanity, just like time. We lord our man made constructions as being God like in order for us to hurt and press down on those we deem inferior.
Not being able to pronounce every word correctly, making spelling and grammatical errors...yeah, that makes you such a big shot. Makes me look ignorant and stupid, shows me as being the genetic mistake that I am.
Every ounce of academic knowledge you so desperately cling to...as if it were some grand and impervious defense...as much as you like to pretend you are something special, somehow bigger and better...you are absolutely nothing.
My memories, my pain, my emotions are something tangible. My experiences with the other is something tangible. Maybe not to you or to others but it is something.
Every last tear I have cried, every shred of my innocence ripped from my being, every last inch of my sanity that I have lost in this fight...all of them are real. Real as the grave markers that show where my dead family lay.
I'm reminded of any and everything.
The things you are, the words you have said.
Everything.
Fleeting words in the air. The smell of decay. The rampant self thought.
It all has basis in images, metaphors and the lack of communication.
Walls.
I mean, getting past the crappy prose and poetry, realize none of this has any relevancy.
The point exists far beyond your ability to comprehend that you do not understand your lack of ability to understand.
Every last metaphorical romp is at best half guessed at worse nothing less then the grand total of nothing.
At the same time, this is a stirring deep within me.
Far beyond these desolate dunes and forsaken deserts is a hope for eternity.
Beyond this pain, this malfunctioning machine posing as a human, there is a soul whose heart beats will move into eternity.
Nothing fleeting will be eternal but this hope of my heart is something beyond any comprehension.
The broken body and collection of blood was enough to redeem an unfathomable mass, if so then I know I am not above redemption. That only my pride needs to die that I may find myself truly alive.
The things you are, the words you have said.
Everything.
Fleeting words in the air. The smell of decay. The rampant self thought.
It all has basis in images, metaphors and the lack of communication.
Walls.
I mean, getting past the crappy prose and poetry, realize none of this has any relevancy.
The point exists far beyond your ability to comprehend that you do not understand your lack of ability to understand.
Every last metaphorical romp is at best half guessed at worse nothing less then the grand total of nothing.
At the same time, this is a stirring deep within me.
Far beyond these desolate dunes and forsaken deserts is a hope for eternity.
Beyond this pain, this malfunctioning machine posing as a human, there is a soul whose heart beats will move into eternity.
Nothing fleeting will be eternal but this hope of my heart is something beyond any comprehension.
The broken body and collection of blood was enough to redeem an unfathomable mass, if so then I know I am not above redemption. That only my pride needs to die that I may find myself truly alive.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Busy with speaking with a tongue of fire,
I don't take the time to watch the world around me
and seem almost surprised to see things burning.
I don't even know when to shut my mouth
and could care less that I'm killing others.
The only time my soul feels is in the pain.
I only hear when I stop and stand still and hold my heart in my hand.
The sins of my past are a mountain,
a burning pyre putrid with the smell of ego
and self worship.
I don't take the time to watch the world around me
and seem almost surprised to see things burning.
I don't even know when to shut my mouth
and could care less that I'm killing others.
The only time my soul feels is in the pain.
I only hear when I stop and stand still and hold my heart in my hand.
The sins of my past are a mountain,
a burning pyre putrid with the smell of ego
and self worship.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Demon Hunter - My Throat Is An Open Grave
We lay face in pale solitude.
To save face, we pulled our walls in front of you.
To the same place where we danced in front of you.
We fell from grace and watched the hope'fall from your face.
This isn't me i used to say.
All the love was so gone.
It feels good to be alive.
I've been dead for so long: and all the broken promises.
I can't face. Afraid if someone notices, I lose my place.
Fractured, broken, paralyzed.
I need some space, tear me open, analyze.
This isn't me i used to say.
All the love was so gone.
It feels good to be alive.
I've been dead for so long.
Wake up screaming, I'm awake and dreaming,
And i won't stop breathing until my heart stops beating.
This isn't me, i used to say.
All the love was so gone, It feels good to be alive,
I've been dead for so long.
Francisco Goya,
Painted it gay,
I'd rather have been shot,
On the Third Of May.
Freedom never came for free,
Patriots are bleeding their veins clean,
That's me in the corner,
Singing "God Save the Queen",
God save the queen.
Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.
I can think of better synonyms for fear,
I hope your life is great
I hope it's been a
wonderful year.
Waiting every day,
Staring at the phone,
Jesus Christ, I feel so empty and alone.
-Brave Saint Saturn, "Independence Day"
Painted it gay,
I'd rather have been shot,
On the Third Of May.
Freedom never came for free,
Patriots are bleeding their veins clean,
That's me in the corner,
Singing "God Save the Queen",
God save the queen.
Independence Day,
Second of May,
Lost my best friend and a fiancé',
So I will hold this candle high.
Independence Day,
Nothing I could say,
Could sway you not to sever ties,
Your liberty can't rest on lies.
I can think of better synonyms for fear,
I hope your life is great
I hope it's been a
wonderful year.
Waiting every day,
Staring at the phone,
Jesus Christ, I feel so empty and alone.
-Brave Saint Saturn, "Independence Day"
I'm scared right now...I sort of just wish I could actually be held.
I hate feeling so alone, so separated...so unable to communicate with people and express myself about this.
I have to leave home, maybe for good...and for why? To save my life? To run from the pain, the confusion, the hate.
I want to actually be free.
I want to be able to breath again.
I'm indulging my selfish addictions of fear and lusting for freedom from myself.
The dark has never been so absolutely terrifying...I'm afraid to listen to music...it's like the walls are closing tighter on me and I want nothing but to be freed from this earthly shell.
...so why do I fear?
I hate feeling so alone, so separated...so unable to communicate with people and express myself about this.
I have to leave home, maybe for good...and for why? To save my life? To run from the pain, the confusion, the hate.
I want to actually be free.
I want to be able to breath again.
I'm indulging my selfish addictions of fear and lusting for freedom from myself.
The dark has never been so absolutely terrifying...I'm afraid to listen to music...it's like the walls are closing tighter on me and I want nothing but to be freed from this earthly shell.
...so why do I fear?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Poorly Conceived Thoughts
It is a safe bet the day is at an end,
the mommies and daddies scurry home
to microwave their dinner,
set their childrean in front of a screen
and rest up.
Just to take their express way back again.
The normal people just run back and forth and I'm stuck here,
just wherever here is.
I don't pretend to know myself or even you,
just know that I'm in love and it's just got to be enough
even when things aren't simply enough.
I get sick of playing the roles in life I always have.
Sometimes things work out great
and other times it never could have been worse.
There is nothing worse than meandering thoughts
that are fool of self preserved adoration.
I can run but it will never be fast enough.
I could just pretend but I will never be good enough.
This poetry is bad enough but just throwing it around like this,
it should be a crime.
I'm not sure what is worse,
talking about it with horrid attempts at internal rhyme
or just the thought of having to share my rooms again.
I'm much better at being a selfish and closed hearted prick.
If I don't even pretend to be nice then I will not be faulted for sin.
It would be nice to cry or maybe to try cutting myself open.
Peeling back these layers of self ridiculed doubt,
exposing tender flesh and to dare to push deeper.
Knowing my own selfishness
is my own demented guide.
At the end of the day I just have to conclude as I so often have:
It is selfish to say the world would have been better without me.
It hurts those who profess to love me.
But as selfish as it is to ever put ones happiness in front of the well being of others,
I must persist in denying the validity of my own existence.
I wish God played dice,
just so I could justify this thought.
If I could afford I would run.
Instead I am stuck here.
Medicated haze that is crashing even as I write.
Nothing makes sense anymore then it did the day before.
I keep hearing these noises of movement, inside my head and out there in the dark.
I'm not sure but I think I look forward to trying to placate myself with lust.
I mean, why not?
It isn't like my hypocrisy isn't the worlds worse secret.
I flagrantly flash my worse sins in exahnge for praise and adoration.
None of this could pretend to make sense in any form.
But I want sleep too.
I don't want to ramble all night while I'm becoming more scared by the moment.
No one will ask what needs to be asked.
But it is okay.
I'm used to it.
Otherwise I might have developed a few issues.
the mommies and daddies scurry home
to microwave their dinner,
set their childrean in front of a screen
and rest up.
Just to take their express way back again.
The normal people just run back and forth and I'm stuck here,
just wherever here is.
I don't pretend to know myself or even you,
just know that I'm in love and it's just got to be enough
even when things aren't simply enough.
I get sick of playing the roles in life I always have.
Sometimes things work out great
and other times it never could have been worse.
There is nothing worse than meandering thoughts
that are fool of self preserved adoration.
I can run but it will never be fast enough.
I could just pretend but I will never be good enough.
This poetry is bad enough but just throwing it around like this,
it should be a crime.
I'm not sure what is worse,
talking about it with horrid attempts at internal rhyme
or just the thought of having to share my rooms again.
I'm much better at being a selfish and closed hearted prick.
If I don't even pretend to be nice then I will not be faulted for sin.
It would be nice to cry or maybe to try cutting myself open.
Peeling back these layers of self ridiculed doubt,
exposing tender flesh and to dare to push deeper.
Knowing my own selfishness
is my own demented guide.
At the end of the day I just have to conclude as I so often have:
It is selfish to say the world would have been better without me.
It hurts those who profess to love me.
But as selfish as it is to ever put ones happiness in front of the well being of others,
I must persist in denying the validity of my own existence.
I wish God played dice,
just so I could justify this thought.
If I could afford I would run.
Instead I am stuck here.
Medicated haze that is crashing even as I write.
Nothing makes sense anymore then it did the day before.
I keep hearing these noises of movement, inside my head and out there in the dark.
I'm not sure but I think I look forward to trying to placate myself with lust.
I mean, why not?
It isn't like my hypocrisy isn't the worlds worse secret.
I flagrantly flash my worse sins in exahnge for praise and adoration.
None of this could pretend to make sense in any form.
But I want sleep too.
I don't want to ramble all night while I'm becoming more scared by the moment.
No one will ask what needs to be asked.
But it is okay.
I'm used to it.
Otherwise I might have developed a few issues.
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