Republicans versus Democrats, liberals versus conservatives, ethnic groups versus ethnic groups, ninjas versus pirates, religious zealots versus those less inclined to use explosives as a negotiating tactic...and many more groups of well renown will waste countless millions of dollars on fundamentally pointless campaigns and debates all to bring us all to what is quite noticeably the "same darn thing term after term".
My friends, it is time for a change.
Instead of voting for the same tired politicians who are bound by being "all too human" I urge you to consider another choice.
A higher choice.
Consider...Cthulu.
1.Odds are you have trouble pronouncing his name too.
2.When you are an Elder God you do not have to worry about petty things such as being too old or too inexperienced to run for such a job as leader of the free world. Other requirements such as being patriotic,having a military record and in general being 'nice' tend go out the window as well.
3.There will not be much of a need to worry about the Pro-Life vs Pro-Choice debate because Cthulhu tends to lean quite heavily towards the Pro-Eradication of Everything stance, which turns out to negate the need for that particular sensitive argument.
4.Equality will no longer be an issue because all of humanity will be enslaved in the ever present darkness of horror that will sweep the globe.
5.Wall Street worries? Our new currency will run off of what I have been told will loosely be knows as "The Cries of The Eternally Tortured Damned That Reside Under His Most Unholy Tentacled Face's Throne".
Obviously it will have a higher exchange rate against the Euro.
6. The seal motto "e pluribus unum" is to be replaced with "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn".
How does one hope to ever compare the obviously inferior "Out of Many, One." to the eloquent beauty of "In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming."
7.No more debates over whether or not America is a Christian nation. Mandatory copies of the Necronomicon ex Mortise will be shipped out to every household (Deadites not included).
8.I seriously doubt any terrorist group could be fundamentally idiotic enough to launch an attack under his lovingly desolate eyes of utterly nihilistic destruction.
9.Cthulhu couldn't blink in the face of danger if he wanted to.
10.Concerned about being Green? With his new "Eternally Scorched Earth Scorched Earth Wasteland" policy, there will no longer be a need for groups such as Greenpeace, PETA or Al Gore.
11.Sick of special interests groups and corruption scandals? Cthulu believes in equality for all citizens and will equally destroy both the loyal and unwilling of his servants.
12.Once you hear him speak no one is able to resist his call.
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