Of course today would be September 11th, I sure can't remember last years but I do remember being at school the year before.

I'm not even sure I care about the significance beyond the fact people are hurting greatly over reasons I can't pretend to understand.

Love:

I'm not sure if it is just in fact the quintessentially grandest human delusion or just a load of crap you enjoy throwing at us.

I don't suppose I get a slice of answer with my side of bitter pain?

I won't even pretend I understand just what it is you are doing.

You know, it almost seems like there is some method behind this absolute insanity, beyond this pain and this hopelessness.

What does it take to get your attention? Prayer? Kind words? Screaming? Whoring my body and soul out to every last sin and desire I have? Breaking my last threads of sanity and dignity?

Do you want me to beg? To plead? To just acknowledge how much of a screw up I am?

I am not sure who I hate more right now, you or me.

I am in pain right now, do you even give a damn? Do you flinch when you look down from your throne and see me in pain? Does it concern you at all, in the very least that I hate life itself? That I curse and loathe the day I was born? That I would have been better to never have been born? That if you simply wanted me to suffer, could we not have forgo this incredibly disgusting life of dwelling in a body and you could have just thrown my soul into just whatever Hell is?

I ask but I know in advance I will not be getting any kind of answer that is actually tangible, something that could actually make me feel better.

How about a hug? How about just a fucking hug? Is it too much to ask? Is it just to damn much to ask of someone as infinite and holy as you? To just ask for you to please crawl down into this mud, into this disgusting and revolting life and just hold me? Is it too much?

I know you are supposed to love me and of all these untouchable promises but what about now? If there is only pain, then what the fuck is the point?

I hate you just as much as I love you. There is so much rage in my heart right now, so much uncontrolable hate in me.

I'm sick of cursing and using bad words, I'm tired of hurting others, I'm sick of being someone I am not. I hate my very being but I so desperately want to be accepted and love for just whoever I am.

Are my tears meaningless too?
Is anything of my existence worth anything?
If this is all my life is going to be, kill me now before I have to do it myself.

Okay...so maybe not ALL of humanity...but for sure that freaking movie isn't helping.

This just in:


I freaking hate humanity.

I'm so tired of vivid nightmares.

Rie Fu - Life Is Like A Boat

Nothing works to shut voices inside me up.

I'm tired of being so human that it hurts and I am full of physical, mental, spiritual and emotional pain.

I wish I wasn't so confused about who I am, who others are, so awkward about sexuality, so awkward about just being myself...and being around people and even knowing them.

I get so frustrated I want to scream.

I'm okay really...but it is so hard to just be ME. To exist as I am for my own sake, even with knowing a deeper love...I just long to be accepted and wanted for who I am.

I have performed my good deeds for the next few decades so I think today will be a day off from my normal moaning and groaning. I'm going to go lay down after having a rather painful MRI and I am going to play Fallout 2 on my laptop.

I am going to enjoy the intricate plot and corny pop culture references. I am going to scratch behind the ears of a crying neurotic cat and hopefully when my best friend comes over we are going to play Halo and blast aliens apart until our collective fingers bleed.

Goodbye stress and hello virtual ultraviolence.

I'm so tired but I already need to leave.

I have to dress and get another IV started to have another test that most likely won't reveal much.

Also, my cat keeps trying to talk. Freaky stuff really.

Here goes something about nothing.

Boy I wish I could sleep some more.

Violent eye twitch.

If things continue the way they seem to be, I will personally be the one making sure the nuclear apoalypse is triggered by next Thursday.

Blaaargh.

Die drama die.

Can't stand such.

Need sleep.

Need break.

Blargh.

Bleh.

Meh.

Restructured

These walls,
hold their secrets.
These walls,
hold their breath as so they may hear.

Anemic, they are brittle.
This hollow shell acting as my guard.
I can't see beyond my own blindness,
these tattered and broken walls.

Yellowing paper and chipped paint
hug the floor cheerfully.
Aged like cheap wine.

It is...that kind of being alone...

I'm really not sure how much more of this I can take...I'm already feeling so stretched...now this...oie...I know it sounds unnecessarily dramatic...but my problem is that I just...I just need some kind of release...some kind of freedom from myself.

God I just HATE desires inside of me...nothing I can do...just torture basically, a fine welcome back to reality and reminder that things don't like to go right...

Morning Day Dreams

I'm quite tired, physically and mentally.

I avoided certain drugs and...well I guess it isn't much of a surprise that I was not able to sleep.

Hmm...sensing a pattern here perhaps?

I'm confused.

The heart, mind and soul all seem to pull in their own respective directions.

I supposed my heart would be a base desire.
My mind is my intellect I have gathered through knowledge and experience.
My soul is the eternal essence that gives eternal purpose to the flesh body.

I'm guessing maybe that deep down they may not like each other very much...partly because they insist on being in such constant conflict...plus the other aspects of my being, being screwed up even more.

Example:

Loneliness.

I have been ill, a lot, lately and because of that my physical contact with humans has diminished greatly. It was hard enough before hand but the more I am alone the more I feel that I have every right to be by myself and to simply ignore others.

God knows how much of a prick I am to my family, simply for them committing the unforgivable sin of 'checking up on me'. It has gotten to the point where there isn't much conversation that I am involved in...but I think I even got my mom to just stop making basic inquires into my life...simply because of me being so short with her...I hate how much of a jerk I can be without even thinking about it.

In my defense, I just do not see how they could not notice the physical and mental anguish I am in, almost constantly at that. I mean, I can pick up small signs from people I do not even know...and considering there is at least a fragment of gene pool shared here...is there just no perception or no desire to perceive?

I just lack so many of the similar thoughts and ideas of others...how is this for a life plan...

Sleep.
Emotional stability.
Being healthy and sick free.
Sounds dreamy.

More then ever I think the person I loathe and fear the most is myself.

If I ever stopped hating and degrading myself enough to realize how beautiful of a creation I am...I might actually stop with the abuse, the rampant digestion of impulse...I might actually begin to realize I am not the God I make myself.

It is so pitifully ironic.

By hating myself and placing myself as being such an absolute worthless amount of scum,I am in fact setting myself up as the king of my world, the prince of my ego and the sole being of any importance in this world.

I am me and me is I, if that makes sense but at the end of the day I am an odd mixture of temporal organic matter and eternal ethereal soul. Nothing and everything about my actions will last and ring out through eternity and across this wasteland we commonly, yet incorrectly, think of as our home.

Nothing is more eternal then the prejudices we set up against ourselves and those around us, they exist eternally because of how invisible the thoughts and habits become. These habitual thoughts of disdain flow under the radar and consume the self until the personal ego becomes first and foremost, in and of itself in a sort of totality way.

I'm so sick of drugs and medications...nothing is working right and I am just left feeling like I am floating...like I am here but not here at the same time. I hate this disorienting feeling...that nothing I do matters and that I am going to keep falling...keep tumbling down this hole with no hope.

This wicked outpouring is laced with hate.
Every last lie spun is a truth undone.
The light twisted into dark,
the metaphor of lie.

Outspoken Stains

The less I have seen the more I want.
The more I desire the more I need.
Is there no way any of this ends?
How many circles can be drawn in and of themselves?
I'm so sick of this seclusion,
this poor body that cannot do anything outside of lust.
I'm sick of this meandering corpse,
useful for nothing but sin.
I'm exhausted from trying.
I no longer care.
I do not give a damn if I die here tonight.
All I have ever needed is You and now I have nothing.
Every screaming whisper,
every broken gasp of air,
is it supposed to be for You
but I doubt you can find anything in nothing.
My love I am breaking further then I have ever broke.
The lies burn in my soul like fire.
My bones ache from the desires I have spurned on.
Every last breath, every scream.
Every trite attempt at life brings nothing,
nothing but me further from absolute truth.
I tired of this game.
I need sanity.
I need hope.
I need Your love in this wasteland of the soul.
I refuse to pretend I am alright when nothing is.
The writing is on the wall,
it's in blood.
The end is nigh
and the air is alive with my demise.
But I will hope in the eternal.
I will not die just yet.
Every last second of this life will be an explosion.
Rage, seething and boiling over in hate for this waste of life.
The culmination of a life brewed in hate.
Stewing and waiting to be unleashed,
my moment is at hand.

I really can't stand much more of this...I'm so sick of it, I am so tired of it.

I hate it, so fucking much.

Crooked Heart

The willing Stagnation of my own heart grieves me.
Much too soon I abandon hope.
Much too often I have given you nothing.
Spitting on blood given for free.

I'm addicted to myself,
a junkie shivering in the cold.
My next hit whatever my eyes see,
whatever my lust desires.

These damnable creatures mock me.
Leering eyes and rotten teeth,
their presence a stench from Hell.
Try as I might, nothing frees me.
I hear mocking cries,
"Save yourself"
Damnable, yet irresistible lies.
Accurate forgeries.
The only one forcing me to drink from this dirt
is myself.
The caretaker of my own lust fueled madness is I.
The captain of this ship.
The breaker of oaths.
The creator of this misery is myself and I alone.

My whore, this ever cheaper soul,
offered yet still to these fleeting fads.
Passing glitter and stardust that offer nothing.
It's enough to drive one mad.
Politicking and practicing false innuendos,
selling fools good they have no intention of buying.

This has all been about me.

Alright...we need to get some things done...

Hmmm...

...sad as this is, it is time to make a list!

-make bed (x)
-shower (x)
-laundry (x)
-food
-Bible
-call the doc(x)
-finish newest article ever
-call James
-give attention to the cat

Silence you stupid nostalgia, we have more important things to attend to...