Friday, September 5, 2008
Morning Day Dreams
I'm quite tired, physically and mentally.
I avoided certain drugs and...well I guess it isn't much of a surprise that I was not able to sleep.
Hmm...sensing a pattern here perhaps?
I'm confused.
The heart, mind and soul all seem to pull in their own respective directions.
I supposed my heart would be a base desire.
My mind is my intellect I have gathered through knowledge and experience.
My soul is the eternal essence that gives eternal purpose to the flesh body.
I'm guessing maybe that deep down they may not like each other very much...partly because they insist on being in such constant conflict...plus the other aspects of my being, being screwed up even more.
Example:
Loneliness.
I have been ill, a lot, lately and because of that my physical contact with humans has diminished greatly. It was hard enough before hand but the more I am alone the more I feel that I have every right to be by myself and to simply ignore others.
God knows how much of a prick I am to my family, simply for them committing the unforgivable sin of 'checking up on me'. It has gotten to the point where there isn't much conversation that I am involved in...but I think I even got my mom to just stop making basic inquires into my life...simply because of me being so short with her...I hate how much of a jerk I can be without even thinking about it.
In my defense, I just do not see how they could not notice the physical and mental anguish I am in, almost constantly at that. I mean, I can pick up small signs from people I do not even know...and considering there is at least a fragment of gene pool shared here...is there just no perception or no desire to perceive?
I just lack so many of the similar thoughts and ideas of others...how is this for a life plan...
Sleep.
Emotional stability.
Being healthy and sick free.
Sounds dreamy.
I avoided certain drugs and...well I guess it isn't much of a surprise that I was not able to sleep.
Hmm...sensing a pattern here perhaps?
I'm confused.
The heart, mind and soul all seem to pull in their own respective directions.
I supposed my heart would be a base desire.
My mind is my intellect I have gathered through knowledge and experience.
My soul is the eternal essence that gives eternal purpose to the flesh body.
I'm guessing maybe that deep down they may not like each other very much...partly because they insist on being in such constant conflict...plus the other aspects of my being, being screwed up even more.
Example:
Loneliness.
I have been ill, a lot, lately and because of that my physical contact with humans has diminished greatly. It was hard enough before hand but the more I am alone the more I feel that I have every right to be by myself and to simply ignore others.
God knows how much of a prick I am to my family, simply for them committing the unforgivable sin of 'checking up on me'. It has gotten to the point where there isn't much conversation that I am involved in...but I think I even got my mom to just stop making basic inquires into my life...simply because of me being so short with her...I hate how much of a jerk I can be without even thinking about it.
In my defense, I just do not see how they could not notice the physical and mental anguish I am in, almost constantly at that. I mean, I can pick up small signs from people I do not even know...and considering there is at least a fragment of gene pool shared here...is there just no perception or no desire to perceive?
I just lack so many of the similar thoughts and ideas of others...how is this for a life plan...
Sleep.
Emotional stability.
Being healthy and sick free.
Sounds dreamy.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
More then ever I think the person I loathe and fear the most is myself.
If I ever stopped hating and degrading myself enough to realize how beautiful of a creation I am...I might actually stop with the abuse, the rampant digestion of impulse...I might actually begin to realize I am not the God I make myself.
It is so pitifully ironic.
By hating myself and placing myself as being such an absolute worthless amount of scum,I am in fact setting myself up as the king of my world, the prince of my ego and the sole being of any importance in this world.
I am me and me is I, if that makes sense but at the end of the day I am an odd mixture of temporal organic matter and eternal ethereal soul. Nothing and everything about my actions will last and ring out through eternity and across this wasteland we commonly, yet incorrectly, think of as our home.
Nothing is more eternal then the prejudices we set up against ourselves and those around us, they exist eternally because of how invisible the thoughts and habits become. These habitual thoughts of disdain flow under the radar and consume the self until the personal ego becomes first and foremost, in and of itself in a sort of totality way.
If I ever stopped hating and degrading myself enough to realize how beautiful of a creation I am...I might actually stop with the abuse, the rampant digestion of impulse...I might actually begin to realize I am not the God I make myself.
It is so pitifully ironic.
By hating myself and placing myself as being such an absolute worthless amount of scum,I am in fact setting myself up as the king of my world, the prince of my ego and the sole being of any importance in this world.
I am me and me is I, if that makes sense but at the end of the day I am an odd mixture of temporal organic matter and eternal ethereal soul. Nothing and everything about my actions will last and ring out through eternity and across this wasteland we commonly, yet incorrectly, think of as our home.
Nothing is more eternal then the prejudices we set up against ourselves and those around us, they exist eternally because of how invisible the thoughts and habits become. These habitual thoughts of disdain flow under the radar and consume the self until the personal ego becomes first and foremost, in and of itself in a sort of totality way.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Outspoken Stains
The less I have seen the more I want.
The more I desire the more I need.
Is there no way any of this ends?
How many circles can be drawn in and of themselves?
I'm so sick of this seclusion,
this poor body that cannot do anything outside of lust.
I'm sick of this meandering corpse,
useful for nothing but sin.
I'm exhausted from trying.
I no longer care.
I do not give a damn if I die here tonight.
All I have ever needed is You and now I have nothing.
Every screaming whisper,
every broken gasp of air,
is it supposed to be for You
but I doubt you can find anything in nothing.
My love I am breaking further then I have ever broke.
The lies burn in my soul like fire.
My bones ache from the desires I have spurned on.
Every last breath, every scream.
Every trite attempt at life brings nothing,
nothing but me further from absolute truth.
I tired of this game.
I need sanity.
I need hope.
I need Your love in this wasteland of the soul.
I refuse to pretend I am alright when nothing is.
The writing is on the wall,
it's in blood.
The end is nigh
and the air is alive with my demise.
But I will hope in the eternal.
I will not die just yet.
Every last second of this life will be an explosion.
Rage, seething and boiling over in hate for this waste of life.
The culmination of a life brewed in hate.
Stewing and waiting to be unleashed,
my moment is at hand.
The more I desire the more I need.
Is there no way any of this ends?
How many circles can be drawn in and of themselves?
I'm so sick of this seclusion,
this poor body that cannot do anything outside of lust.
I'm sick of this meandering corpse,
useful for nothing but sin.
I'm exhausted from trying.
I no longer care.
I do not give a damn if I die here tonight.
All I have ever needed is You and now I have nothing.
Every screaming whisper,
every broken gasp of air,
is it supposed to be for You
but I doubt you can find anything in nothing.
My love I am breaking further then I have ever broke.
The lies burn in my soul like fire.
My bones ache from the desires I have spurned on.
Every last breath, every scream.
Every trite attempt at life brings nothing,
nothing but me further from absolute truth.
I tired of this game.
I need sanity.
I need hope.
I need Your love in this wasteland of the soul.
I refuse to pretend I am alright when nothing is.
The writing is on the wall,
it's in blood.
The end is nigh
and the air is alive with my demise.
But I will hope in the eternal.
I will not die just yet.
Every last second of this life will be an explosion.
Rage, seething and boiling over in hate for this waste of life.
The culmination of a life brewed in hate.
Stewing and waiting to be unleashed,
my moment is at hand.
Crooked Heart
The willing Stagnation of my own heart grieves me.
Much too soon I abandon hope.
Much too often I have given you nothing.
Spitting on blood given for free.
I'm addicted to myself,
a junkie shivering in the cold.
My next hit whatever my eyes see,
whatever my lust desires.
These damnable creatures mock me.
Leering eyes and rotten teeth,
their presence a stench from Hell.
Try as I might, nothing frees me.
I hear mocking cries,
"Save yourself"
Damnable, yet irresistible lies.
Accurate forgeries.
The only one forcing me to drink from this dirt
is myself.
The caretaker of my own lust fueled madness is I.
The captain of this ship.
The breaker of oaths.
The creator of this misery is myself and I alone.
My whore, this ever cheaper soul,
offered yet still to these fleeting fads.
Passing glitter and stardust that offer nothing.
It's enough to drive one mad.
Politicking and practicing false innuendos,
selling fools good they have no intention of buying.
This has all been about me.
Much too soon I abandon hope.
Much too often I have given you nothing.
Spitting on blood given for free.
I'm addicted to myself,
a junkie shivering in the cold.
My next hit whatever my eyes see,
whatever my lust desires.
These damnable creatures mock me.
Leering eyes and rotten teeth,
their presence a stench from Hell.
Try as I might, nothing frees me.
I hear mocking cries,
"Save yourself"
Damnable, yet irresistible lies.
Accurate forgeries.
The only one forcing me to drink from this dirt
is myself.
The caretaker of my own lust fueled madness is I.
The captain of this ship.
The breaker of oaths.
The creator of this misery is myself and I alone.
My whore, this ever cheaper soul,
offered yet still to these fleeting fads.
Passing glitter and stardust that offer nothing.
It's enough to drive one mad.
Politicking and practicing false innuendos,
selling fools good they have no intention of buying.
This has all been about me.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
On Church
So...I was born in and have lived in the South East U.S. my entire life, to be more specific Alabama, the belt of the metaphorical Bible Belt. Supposedly the only thing that is more sacred then Jesus down here is football and believe me does it ever show.
I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.
By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.
It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.
Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.
Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.
Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.
I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.
The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.
All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.
"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "
-Isaiah 66:1-4
I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.
We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.
Digressing...
Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."
Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.
Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"
Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).
It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48
Let's see...covered being called to ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.
So then, what now?
I have no freaking clue.
Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.
I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.
To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.
To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:
"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.
And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me
I Rejoice"
-U2, "Rejoice"
Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.
Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.
Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.
"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another. "
-Jesus, John 15-17
I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.
By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.
It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.
Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.
Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.
Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.
I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.
The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.
All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.
"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "
-Isaiah 66:1-4
I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.
We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.
Digressing...
Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."
Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.
Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"
Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).
It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48
Let's see...covered being called to ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.
So then, what now?
I have no freaking clue.
Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.
I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.
To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.
To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:
"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.
And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me
I Rejoice"
-U2, "Rejoice"
Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.
Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.
Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.
"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another. "
-Jesus, John 15-17
Monday, September 1, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Seeing If Believing
Just why am I here?
This pain inside never ceases.
I feel cold stares of blank confusion
as I wander from room to room,
full of wonder.
Rain falls outside your windows.
But I just feel the pain as it increases,
the intensity inside sears.
I ask politely for a change
but it never happens.
I ask for a chance
and it never ceases to never be.
It is the feeling of walking in on yourself naked.
This starkness you cannot hide.
Just wipe away the tears you cried,
it's time to be a big boy now.
Time to be a man.
It doesn't matter that you are about to crack,
that you have broken you back,
what matters is you push back.
I am told I was never known by most.
There is a shame of knowing someone desperate.
Desperate for love, for change and for attention.
Those most often given to it know of what I speak,
just be looking out the window you can see.
You see the lies in the mirror and love the window,
just so you can see what you can see and hate.
It is a drunken toxin you love to embrace.
I cannot hope to separate the two,
where you end and I begin.
I look at me and hate what I see
because what I see is me within me.
Withering, cracking and unable to hold up.
I want to go home.
Where the sun never dies.
Where every tear is wiped,
no matter the eye that cried.
I want to go home,
to see the beginning I never knew
and to be held before I fully die.
The waves crash outside your window,
sending cascades across your perfect lies.
Towers of sand torn down by the times.
A look into your shallow soul
revealing just me.
Named as myself,
naked as my sin.
I am the one I always were.
I am the me you will never see.
This pain inside never ceases.
I feel cold stares of blank confusion
as I wander from room to room,
full of wonder.
Rain falls outside your windows.
But I just feel the pain as it increases,
the intensity inside sears.
I ask politely for a change
but it never happens.
I ask for a chance
and it never ceases to never be.
It is the feeling of walking in on yourself naked.
This starkness you cannot hide.
Just wipe away the tears you cried,
it's time to be a big boy now.
Time to be a man.
It doesn't matter that you are about to crack,
that you have broken you back,
what matters is you push back.
I am told I was never known by most.
There is a shame of knowing someone desperate.
Desperate for love, for change and for attention.
Those most often given to it know of what I speak,
just be looking out the window you can see.
You see the lies in the mirror and love the window,
just so you can see what you can see and hate.
It is a drunken toxin you love to embrace.
I cannot hope to separate the two,
where you end and I begin.
I look at me and hate what I see
because what I see is me within me.
Withering, cracking and unable to hold up.
I want to go home.
Where the sun never dies.
Where every tear is wiped,
no matter the eye that cried.
I want to go home,
to see the beginning I never knew
and to be held before I fully die.
The waves crash outside your window,
sending cascades across your perfect lies.
Towers of sand torn down by the times.
A look into your shallow soul
revealing just me.
Named as myself,
naked as my sin.
I am the one I always were.
I am the me you will never see.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The Rising Sun
It is weird to not sleep at night. For reasons I am not sure of, my body just has a mind of its own...normally I can't sleep late...but this has gone to the next level to where I just can't sleep...well I mean a couple hours here and there but nothing seriously consistent...it IS slightly annoying I will admit.
But something just annoying must be to all the English majors I know, yet I still make a ridiculous amount of spelling and grammatical errors.
If it wasn't for the built in spell checker with Mozilla Firefox I think I would be eternally doomed to not being able to write anything online without seeming like an uneducated twit.
The dawn comes up, I'm not ready for it.
It is hard to be nice.
Especially when someone imposes.
It is kinda hard to be myself
when I feel the need to guard.
People can be crass
and act as if everyone has a price,
that everything is just a pose,
but thank God reality sets in.
I'm so tired of the falseness of it all.
Holden Caulfield knows of what I speak.
The fake smiles, plastic suits,
and their false sincerity in calls.
It's only the strong who rule, not the meek.
It is dog eat dog and they just say hot dog.
Ruling, lording, controlling and moving.
I loose my perception so easily and I get caught up in everything else.
Everything, everything, everything.
I so badly wish things could slow down for once, that things could be the same.
The pain could be the pain and myself can be me, can be I and most the certain of all is that it would not be you.
I want to be left alone.
I'm afraid to be touched,
to be known.
Every touch and movement makes me sick.
Grown? Never.
Child like in false sincerity and nothing more.
Nothing much except that I am me,
nothing more and nothing less.
I've wanted to be you and I have wanted more.
Silly is and silly does but you are so silly within.
Just confusion.
Rambling beats over the din of drunken noise.
I'm so tired and beg, yes beg for a change.
Not just more people causing pain,
but pain causing people.
Purpose, malignant, stagnant and utterly disgustingly pretension purpose.
Why can't I sleep?
Where are you?
I need sleep so much.
Please.
But something just annoying must be to all the English majors I know, yet I still make a ridiculous amount of spelling and grammatical errors.
If it wasn't for the built in spell checker with Mozilla Firefox I think I would be eternally doomed to not being able to write anything online without seeming like an uneducated twit.
The dawn comes up, I'm not ready for it.
It is hard to be nice.
Especially when someone imposes.
It is kinda hard to be myself
when I feel the need to guard.
People can be crass
and act as if everyone has a price,
that everything is just a pose,
but thank God reality sets in.
I'm so tired of the falseness of it all.
Holden Caulfield knows of what I speak.
The fake smiles, plastic suits,
and their false sincerity in calls.
It's only the strong who rule, not the meek.
It is dog eat dog and they just say hot dog.
Ruling, lording, controlling and moving.
I loose my perception so easily and I get caught up in everything else.
Everything, everything, everything.
I so badly wish things could slow down for once, that things could be the same.
The pain could be the pain and myself can be me, can be I and most the certain of all is that it would not be you.
I want to be left alone.
I'm afraid to be touched,
to be known.
Every touch and movement makes me sick.
Grown? Never.
Child like in false sincerity and nothing more.
Nothing much except that I am me,
nothing more and nothing less.
I've wanted to be you and I have wanted more.
Silly is and silly does but you are so silly within.
Just confusion.
Rambling beats over the din of drunken noise.
I'm so tired and beg, yes beg for a change.
Not just more people causing pain,
but pain causing people.
Purpose, malignant, stagnant and utterly disgustingly pretension purpose.
Why can't I sleep?
Where are you?
I need sleep so much.
Please.
Random Thought
You know...as much as I enjoyed writing about all of those songs...I just realized posting them up here will most likely contribute to the deliquesce of the youth and the utter collapse of the economy because of the increase of file sharing.
Why must human beings so broken?
Why do we always tread the line of good and evil so closely?
Why the devil can I not go to sleep right now?!?!
Why must human beings so broken?
Why do we always tread the line of good and evil so closely?
Why the devil can I not go to sleep right now?!?!
Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Music Only)
01 Zak and Sara.wma
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
03 Something About Us.wma
04 Face to Face.wma
05 Disarm.wma
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
08 To Far Away Times.wma
09 Still Fighting It.wma
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
12 Digital Love.wma
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
14 Fools Paradise.wma
15 Roads.wma
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
17 All I Want is You.wma
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
03 Something About Us.wma
04 Face to Face.wma
05 Disarm.wma
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
08 To Far Away Times.wma
09 Still Fighting It.wma
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
12 Digital Love.wma
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
14 Fools Paradise.wma
15 Roads.wma
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
17 All I Want is You.wma
Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Essay Version)
Music moves the soul.
Memories long forgotten can be stirred and brought back to the forefront after years of forgetfulness.
That being said...this collection of songs holds a special place in my heart because of so having developed many deep connections to most of these songs.
Plus I think it is a rather nice eclectic mix of songs that reflect my music collection, which in turn reflects the oddity of my self and person.
There will be a second volume coming soon at some point. Expect some Bowie, lesser known Queen, Showbread, Reese Roper, possibly a harder song or two and more video game music for sure.
01 Zak and Sara.wma
-The piano is one instrument I want to play very badly, please believe that I do just that, play very badly. However, Ben Folds is what I would consider a musical and lyrical genius. This rather upbeat song has a good bit of wordplay that I find chuckle worthy every time.
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. More amazing piano (to me at least) and a lyric about a hippie who 'grows up' and becomes 'a big man'. Interesting thoughts about how in seeking to improve ourselves we can really loose who we are...regardless of cause or reason.
03 Something About Us.wma
-Mixing it up is a little Daft Punk. They are one of the few electronic based bands I am very familiar with. Being able to mix up some tight electronic beats with strong pop-centric hooks is a sure fire win in my book. The song itself is a simple love song about the need to get the feelings out in the open, the need to confess feelings even with the possibilities of rejection.
04 Face to Face.wma
-Another Daft Punk song about love. It is astounding how often in every day relationships we get so sidetracked by prideful presumptions about who people are. One of the hardest things to do is just to break down and reveal who we are and actually take the time to get to know someone on a real personal level.
05 Disarm.wma
-Regardless of whether or not Billy Corgan was the band Nazi he is reported to be (anyone who has been in a band with me knows how I can be about practice...that could explain how every time I bring up the subject of playing music with people they run like I just casually mentioned I am a carrier of the Bubonic Plague, but I digress)the Smashing Pumpkins created a WIDE range of incredibly diverse music. This particular song works so well because of the minimum amount of instrumentation on such a horrific subject.
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
-I have no practical knowledge of Japanese but I believe this song is called Rakuen and that translates either into 'Paradise' or 'Hallelujah' (can anyone help me out?). This rather minimalistic song carries with it some rather heavy memories.
It should not come as a surprise that I am a dork/geek/whatever and this song if from the anime Trigun. It is used in the death scene of a main character that has finally reached a realization that the faith he has been living his whole life has been a mere shadow of the truth. I tend to be an overemotional wreck anyways but just seeing him bleeding badly and (paraphrasing because I don't have the dvd on me) "God, not like this! I'm not ready to die yet!"...it just really hits like you a punch in the stomach...because life is that harsh. Not realizing the truth before us and waiting will only lead to further pain and the hollowness of a life wasted on blood and gunsmoke.
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
-This next selection is a piano arrangement of a song from what I consider to be the single most amazing video game of all time (and a massive influence on me in every possible way), Chrono Trigger. It was released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1995. It was a role playing game featuring a deep story, time travel, real character development, life, love and tragic death. Just hearing the music is enough to stir my soul and my memories. This particular track is taken from the era of 600AD which is set up as being a very medieval age with your normal fantasy elements of dark wizards and goblins.
08 To Far Away Times.wma
-This is the closing love theme from Chrono Trigger reworked with added vocals. I honestly can't help but almost shed tears every time I hear it. It very well could be just my sentimentality combined with a memories and a desire to relive that child like wonder of experiencing such an amazing story...but deep down I believe it is my soul that is speaking. It's longing, it's aching desire to be united with not just a true love in this world but to be united in eternity with my True Love in the next world, a world without end. A world where every tear will be wiped away, death will be destroyed and peace can finally be brought to humanity. A future, a desire and a beauty worth living for.
09 Still Fighting It.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. If I am correct in this information, he wrote this song to his son about the day Ben Folds told his son that him and his mother were getting divorced.
My earliest childhood memories are of my parents arguing. They got divorced when I was three. I remember him going to jail and being dropped off by the police officer at my grandmothers house next door. I remember watching the first gulf war on TV and having the child hood worry that the prisoners (my dad in particular) would be forced to fight and maybe die.
I got to see him a few times for birthday presents (That Super Nintendo I mentioned earlier) and such...and finally when I was nine and in third grade he got visitation privileges of getting to see me every other weekend. I saw him twice. The last time I saw him alive was in Calera, Alabama in the parking lot of Hardees. My mom had come to pick me up and I remember him giving me a hug and kissing me, because his beard was coarse and caused me to itch.
The following Sunday he was found dead on a couch. He had fallen asleep and he died of a heart attack at thirty-three.
I wonder who the man was. I have photographs, an annual, some back stage passes he had and a few cassette tapes he had. I know he loved music greatly, wanted to organize a benefit concert in Birmingham for the poor and homeless and that my mom had a wreck in 1984 (or so) where they were badly messed up. Apparently my dad shielded my sister and he broke his back. Eventually, because of the pain he became addicted to pain killers and became an alcoholic. He wasn't able to do his job very well and eventually he quit because of his coworkers. I also know he was arrested over a bad thing...that my step father was kind enough to inform me of while he was in the midst of an alcohol influenced binge that also involved him showing me porn in order to 'explain the birds and the bees'.
My life is shaped so much by a man I barely knew. There is a hole in my heart where I wish he could be. I wonder what he would actually think of me...of how I want to write, how I am a Christian, how I feel I am supposed to do ministry, how I feel compelled to play music, how I want to make him proud even though he is dead.
I honestly have no clue if he is in Heaven or Hell. At the funeral the pastor said he was a brother in Christ and of course was in heaven, but seriously, how many preachers do you know would tell the family of someone dead that their loved one had died without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal savior and because they had no one to take the punishment for their sins that loved one is now being punished infinitely for hurting and rejecting a God who has infinite love but yet infinite wrath for sin?
I could go on...but I am quite sure this was too much information. The most important line in that song to me is:
"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me.
I'm sorry."
For some reason I feel like that is something my dad might have told me before I left for college, or maybe if he ever would have heard me preach, teach or me play on stage with a band. That he loved me, that he cares for me and that he was sorry for the flaws that I got from him.
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
-This is a song by the Japanese artist Rie Fu. It was used as the credit music for the first season of the spectacular anime Bleach. Deep lyrics on love, the confusion of love and dedication.
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
-I'm a U2 fan. I will take flack for this but I will die defending the importance of U2 music to my life. Me being introduced to them has helped shape me on a deeper level musically, writing wise, spiritually and in all ways artistic.
This particular song is named after the movie it was on the soundtrack for and is from the eclectic album Zooropa, which in turn was recorded in the midst of their massive Zoo TV Tour. Unlike most of the other songs on this album that featured an electronic influence this one is almost quite straight forward.
The lyric is about a severally broken woman (of which I have dated some) who uses and let's herself be used. It's a plea for her to come to sense and realize that she is going to self destruct with the way she is living...that brokenness cannot be fixed with breaking oneself further, one has to "Stay with the spirit I found, Stay and the night would be enough".
12 Digital Love.wma
-Finally a non depressing track.
This is another Daft Punk track on the subject of love and a 'discovery' of feelings.
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
-Led Zeppelin is quite a classic rock band but towards the end of their recording life they came up with this fun little ditty about a poor sap standing in the rain while waiting for his girl.
14 Fools Paradise.wma
-Another selection from the Trigun soundtrack. It's used sporadicly throughout the series as background music and is never heard in its full form until the very end of the series. A fool's paradise is a noun defined as being "a state of enjoyment based on false beliefs or hopes; a state of illusory happiness". Which is a rather fitting way that most people would view the protagonist of Trigun, Vash.
He is a happy go lucky gun fighter with a weakness for doughnuts and in strict competition with Bono about who is more Christ like. Vash 'The Stampede' is a character who despite the first impression he gives to people of him being a bumbling fool, he is in fact an ace gunman who fights in such a way that he never takes a life under any circumstances, even to the point of being mangled. He has a love for humanity on a desolate dessert planet that defies reason. Vash is an eternal optimist that doesn't just hope for the best but sees how the good can come out of every person and situation.
For sure he is a hero of mine.
15 Roads.wma
-Blindside is a Swedish Christian metal band. However this is a rather jazzy song from their album "About a Burning Fire". This is just another well written and developed song that manages to get its meaning across with ease.
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
-U2 at the height of the 80's with a collaboration with Bob Dylan. At times it feels like a very strong spiritual, a hymn even. I won't sully the beauty of it but just give an excerpt of my favorite part:
"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
17 All I Want is You.wma
-Yes, one last U2 song. For those of you who are familiar with the U2 song "With or Without You" this was originally written as a coda for that song.
I like to think of myself as a hopeful romantic...but at the end of the day relationships are hard, they hurt and because of my personality type...I have an incredible amount of empathy, which in a positive way helps me desire to love and serve others...but consequently it means I hurt deeper and in ways that words cannot describe. It may just be not having a hard enough shell but even the smallest of words can be taken the wrong way and cause a deep wound...conversely that is something that is overcome only by the love given to me from above.
Point being...this is my favorite love song of all time. If I ever get married I would like for this to somehow be involved in the wedding.
The way this song approaches things is that is expounds upon the absolute mysterious nature of women. I was reading an interview with Bono and at the time of writing this song he and his wife had been married about ten years but in many ways she was still a mystery to him. People tend to mask themselves and hide because of the fear of who they are, a fear that they are not good enough and that no one would love them if they were themselves.
This song, to me, feels like a plea to be able to understand his love deeper and beyond words, beyond physical tokens, beyond any of our stupid and shallow misconceptions of love...but actually having deep spiritual and emotional intimacy. Not just the fast food get whatever sex you can that all of us so easily want to dive into.
True love seems impossible in this world and to be honest it is. But one of the constant reminders to me that there is a loving God is that love does exist. Love is just as irrational as the concept of a loving creator...and both are deep pools of insanity I am more then desperate enough to not just dive into but to drink deeply from and to explore the rich depths until the end of eternity.
Memories long forgotten can be stirred and brought back to the forefront after years of forgetfulness.
That being said...this collection of songs holds a special place in my heart because of so having developed many deep connections to most of these songs.
Plus I think it is a rather nice eclectic mix of songs that reflect my music collection, which in turn reflects the oddity of my self and person.
There will be a second volume coming soon at some point. Expect some Bowie, lesser known Queen, Showbread, Reese Roper, possibly a harder song or two and more video game music for sure.
01 Zak and Sara.wma
-The piano is one instrument I want to play very badly, please believe that I do just that, play very badly. However, Ben Folds is what I would consider a musical and lyrical genius. This rather upbeat song has a good bit of wordplay that I find chuckle worthy every time.
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. More amazing piano (to me at least) and a lyric about a hippie who 'grows up' and becomes 'a big man'. Interesting thoughts about how in seeking to improve ourselves we can really loose who we are...regardless of cause or reason.
03 Something About Us.wma
-Mixing it up is a little Daft Punk. They are one of the few electronic based bands I am very familiar with. Being able to mix up some tight electronic beats with strong pop-centric hooks is a sure fire win in my book. The song itself is a simple love song about the need to get the feelings out in the open, the need to confess feelings even with the possibilities of rejection.
04 Face to Face.wma
-Another Daft Punk song about love. It is astounding how often in every day relationships we get so sidetracked by prideful presumptions about who people are. One of the hardest things to do is just to break down and reveal who we are and actually take the time to get to know someone on a real personal level.
05 Disarm.wma
-Regardless of whether or not Billy Corgan was the band Nazi he is reported to be (anyone who has been in a band with me knows how I can be about practice...that could explain how every time I bring up the subject of playing music with people they run like I just casually mentioned I am a carrier of the Bubonic Plague, but I digress)the Smashing Pumpkins created a WIDE range of incredibly diverse music. This particular song works so well because of the minimum amount of instrumentation on such a horrific subject.
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
-I have no practical knowledge of Japanese but I believe this song is called Rakuen and that translates either into 'Paradise' or 'Hallelujah' (can anyone help me out?). This rather minimalistic song carries with it some rather heavy memories.
It should not come as a surprise that I am a dork/geek/whatever and this song if from the anime Trigun. It is used in the death scene of a main character that has finally reached a realization that the faith he has been living his whole life has been a mere shadow of the truth. I tend to be an overemotional wreck anyways but just seeing him bleeding badly and (paraphrasing because I don't have the dvd on me) "God, not like this! I'm not ready to die yet!"...it just really hits like you a punch in the stomach...because life is that harsh. Not realizing the truth before us and waiting will only lead to further pain and the hollowness of a life wasted on blood and gunsmoke.
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
-This next selection is a piano arrangement of a song from what I consider to be the single most amazing video game of all time (and a massive influence on me in every possible way), Chrono Trigger. It was released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1995. It was a role playing game featuring a deep story, time travel, real character development, life, love and tragic death. Just hearing the music is enough to stir my soul and my memories. This particular track is taken from the era of 600AD which is set up as being a very medieval age with your normal fantasy elements of dark wizards and goblins.
08 To Far Away Times.wma
-This is the closing love theme from Chrono Trigger reworked with added vocals. I honestly can't help but almost shed tears every time I hear it. It very well could be just my sentimentality combined with a memories and a desire to relive that child like wonder of experiencing such an amazing story...but deep down I believe it is my soul that is speaking. It's longing, it's aching desire to be united with not just a true love in this world but to be united in eternity with my True Love in the next world, a world without end. A world where every tear will be wiped away, death will be destroyed and peace can finally be brought to humanity. A future, a desire and a beauty worth living for.
09 Still Fighting It.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. If I am correct in this information, he wrote this song to his son about the day Ben Folds told his son that him and his mother were getting divorced.
My earliest childhood memories are of my parents arguing. They got divorced when I was three. I remember him going to jail and being dropped off by the police officer at my grandmothers house next door. I remember watching the first gulf war on TV and having the child hood worry that the prisoners (my dad in particular) would be forced to fight and maybe die.
I got to see him a few times for birthday presents (That Super Nintendo I mentioned earlier) and such...and finally when I was nine and in third grade he got visitation privileges of getting to see me every other weekend. I saw him twice. The last time I saw him alive was in Calera, Alabama in the parking lot of Hardees. My mom had come to pick me up and I remember him giving me a hug and kissing me, because his beard was coarse and caused me to itch.
The following Sunday he was found dead on a couch. He had fallen asleep and he died of a heart attack at thirty-three.
I wonder who the man was. I have photographs, an annual, some back stage passes he had and a few cassette tapes he had. I know he loved music greatly, wanted to organize a benefit concert in Birmingham for the poor and homeless and that my mom had a wreck in 1984 (or so) where they were badly messed up. Apparently my dad shielded my sister and he broke his back. Eventually, because of the pain he became addicted to pain killers and became an alcoholic. He wasn't able to do his job very well and eventually he quit because of his coworkers. I also know he was arrested over a bad thing...that my step father was kind enough to inform me of while he was in the midst of an alcohol influenced binge that also involved him showing me porn in order to 'explain the birds and the bees'.
My life is shaped so much by a man I barely knew. There is a hole in my heart where I wish he could be. I wonder what he would actually think of me...of how I want to write, how I am a Christian, how I feel I am supposed to do ministry, how I feel compelled to play music, how I want to make him proud even though he is dead.
I honestly have no clue if he is in Heaven or Hell. At the funeral the pastor said he was a brother in Christ and of course was in heaven, but seriously, how many preachers do you know would tell the family of someone dead that their loved one had died without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal savior and because they had no one to take the punishment for their sins that loved one is now being punished infinitely for hurting and rejecting a God who has infinite love but yet infinite wrath for sin?
I could go on...but I am quite sure this was too much information. The most important line in that song to me is:
"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me.
I'm sorry."
For some reason I feel like that is something my dad might have told me before I left for college, or maybe if he ever would have heard me preach, teach or me play on stage with a band. That he loved me, that he cares for me and that he was sorry for the flaws that I got from him.
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
-This is a song by the Japanese artist Rie Fu. It was used as the credit music for the first season of the spectacular anime Bleach. Deep lyrics on love, the confusion of love and dedication.
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
-I'm a U2 fan. I will take flack for this but I will die defending the importance of U2 music to my life. Me being introduced to them has helped shape me on a deeper level musically, writing wise, spiritually and in all ways artistic.
This particular song is named after the movie it was on the soundtrack for and is from the eclectic album Zooropa, which in turn was recorded in the midst of their massive Zoo TV Tour. Unlike most of the other songs on this album that featured an electronic influence this one is almost quite straight forward.
The lyric is about a severally broken woman (of which I have dated some) who uses and let's herself be used. It's a plea for her to come to sense and realize that she is going to self destruct with the way she is living...that brokenness cannot be fixed with breaking oneself further, one has to "Stay with the spirit I found, Stay and the night would be enough".
12 Digital Love.wma
-Finally a non depressing track.
This is another Daft Punk track on the subject of love and a 'discovery' of feelings.
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
-Led Zeppelin is quite a classic rock band but towards the end of their recording life they came up with this fun little ditty about a poor sap standing in the rain while waiting for his girl.
14 Fools Paradise.wma
-Another selection from the Trigun soundtrack. It's used sporadicly throughout the series as background music and is never heard in its full form until the very end of the series. A fool's paradise is a noun defined as being "a state of enjoyment based on false beliefs or hopes; a state of illusory happiness". Which is a rather fitting way that most people would view the protagonist of Trigun, Vash.
He is a happy go lucky gun fighter with a weakness for doughnuts and in strict competition with Bono about who is more Christ like. Vash 'The Stampede' is a character who despite the first impression he gives to people of him being a bumbling fool, he is in fact an ace gunman who fights in such a way that he never takes a life under any circumstances, even to the point of being mangled. He has a love for humanity on a desolate dessert planet that defies reason. Vash is an eternal optimist that doesn't just hope for the best but sees how the good can come out of every person and situation.
For sure he is a hero of mine.
15 Roads.wma
-Blindside is a Swedish Christian metal band. However this is a rather jazzy song from their album "About a Burning Fire". This is just another well written and developed song that manages to get its meaning across with ease.
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
-U2 at the height of the 80's with a collaboration with Bob Dylan. At times it feels like a very strong spiritual, a hymn even. I won't sully the beauty of it but just give an excerpt of my favorite part:
"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
17 All I Want is You.wma
-Yes, one last U2 song. For those of you who are familiar with the U2 song "With or Without You" this was originally written as a coda for that song.
I like to think of myself as a hopeful romantic...but at the end of the day relationships are hard, they hurt and because of my personality type...I have an incredible amount of empathy, which in a positive way helps me desire to love and serve others...but consequently it means I hurt deeper and in ways that words cannot describe. It may just be not having a hard enough shell but even the smallest of words can be taken the wrong way and cause a deep wound...conversely that is something that is overcome only by the love given to me from above.
Point being...this is my favorite love song of all time. If I ever get married I would like for this to somehow be involved in the wedding.
The way this song approaches things is that is expounds upon the absolute mysterious nature of women. I was reading an interview with Bono and at the time of writing this song he and his wife had been married about ten years but in many ways she was still a mystery to him. People tend to mask themselves and hide because of the fear of who they are, a fear that they are not good enough and that no one would love them if they were themselves.
This song, to me, feels like a plea to be able to understand his love deeper and beyond words, beyond physical tokens, beyond any of our stupid and shallow misconceptions of love...but actually having deep spiritual and emotional intimacy. Not just the fast food get whatever sex you can that all of us so easily want to dive into.
True love seems impossible in this world and to be honest it is. But one of the constant reminders to me that there is a loving God is that love does exist. Love is just as irrational as the concept of a loving creator...and both are deep pools of insanity I am more then desperate enough to not just dive into but to drink deeply from and to explore the rich depths until the end of eternity.
The Misadentures of One Princess Christine - Outline
Note to self: Since I was stupid enough to forget to upload this earlier...I'm stuck without a way to be able to edit and add...so this is a continuation of a story with no beginning...but to give the general idea...
-Princess Christine is a, wait for it, princess in the kingdom of Lahdehrah.
-She gets bored of the royal life and of her father pressuring her into arranged marriages so she waits until night and escapes.
-Upon escaping she finds her way to the local village and its tavern.
-Hijinks ensue and has no money to pay for her drinks.
-She is approached by a rather fugly man and a rather dashing but slightly incompetent swashbuckling mage named Nelvin comes to the rescue.
-The fugly man and Nelvin go at it and Nelvin prevails long enough to have a glass bottle smashed over his head.
-Senior Fugly and his cohorts take Christine and Nelvin, bind them up and carry them off with the hopes of selling them into slavery.
-Through a series of yet to be determined disasters combined with Nelvin's bravo they manage to break free...but the duo find themselves in an unfamiliar area (possibly called The Rounds...a sort of dirty, quasi industrial area with an active slave trade as well as an arena for gladiator battles).
-Stuff happens in the city...maybe stuff like them getting lost, running from Fugly and his men, Nelvin somehow accidentally ending up in a Tournament of Arms and confesses to Christine that he isn't a swordsman or mage of noble birth like he had claimed but he is a mere squire whose Knight Mage had died leaving him with no patron. Christine kisses him and tells of her royalty. Nelvin freaks out and falls on a knee before her apologizing and she essentially has to slap some sense into him and just tells him to do his best to not die.
-Of course by a 'royal' fluke Nelvin ends up winning the entire tournament getting them enough gold to be able to travel and begin to find their way back to the kingdom.
-I would like to include a dragon at some point.
-Elves wouldn't be bad, maybe halflings and dwarves as well. Fairies rock too.
-At least one more tavern brawl.
-Possibly a lead up to where they will be getting married but in the end of the story some crazy plot twist where it gets delayed...an invading army led by an enraged Fugly and some bandits or something?
-Princess Christine is a, wait for it, princess in the kingdom of Lahdehrah.
-She gets bored of the royal life and of her father pressuring her into arranged marriages so she waits until night and escapes.
-Upon escaping she finds her way to the local village and its tavern.
-Hijinks ensue and has no money to pay for her drinks.
-She is approached by a rather fugly man and a rather dashing but slightly incompetent swashbuckling mage named Nelvin comes to the rescue.
-The fugly man and Nelvin go at it and Nelvin prevails long enough to have a glass bottle smashed over his head.
-Senior Fugly and his cohorts take Christine and Nelvin, bind them up and carry them off with the hopes of selling them into slavery.
-Through a series of yet to be determined disasters combined with Nelvin's bravo they manage to break free...but the duo find themselves in an unfamiliar area (possibly called The Rounds...a sort of dirty, quasi industrial area with an active slave trade as well as an arena for gladiator battles).
-Stuff happens in the city...maybe stuff like them getting lost, running from Fugly and his men, Nelvin somehow accidentally ending up in a Tournament of Arms and confesses to Christine that he isn't a swordsman or mage of noble birth like he had claimed but he is a mere squire whose Knight Mage had died leaving him with no patron. Christine kisses him and tells of her royalty. Nelvin freaks out and falls on a knee before her apologizing and she essentially has to slap some sense into him and just tells him to do his best to not die.
-Of course by a 'royal' fluke Nelvin ends up winning the entire tournament getting them enough gold to be able to travel and begin to find their way back to the kingdom.
-I would like to include a dragon at some point.
-Elves wouldn't be bad, maybe halflings and dwarves as well. Fairies rock too.
-At least one more tavern brawl.
-Possibly a lead up to where they will be getting married but in the end of the story some crazy plot twist where it gets delayed...an invading army led by an enraged Fugly and some bandits or something?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Three-Oh-One
All of these thoughts
I've bled for you.
Every sick scrape,
every cut of my flesh
is this sin for you.
This dark colored robe
I just wear draped,
I wear this sin just for you.
Here I scream.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie within.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside this dream.
Red soaked sunlight soaks this sky.
Fading into the dark as this day ends.
Selfish as only I, I beg to die.
To just take on another useless trend.
I scream your name on these broken knees,
Is there ever a happy end?
Will we ever win?
Here I cry.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie my dear sin.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside, but dear God I will try.
Every spent drop of blood,
every glass of wine.
All the torn skin,
born into bread.
You crucified.
And oh God of my life,
wrapped in love and held me.
Strife and the dead are mine.
But I am yours.
I've bled for you.
Every sick scrape,
every cut of my flesh
is this sin for you.
This dark colored robe
I just wear draped,
I wear this sin just for you.
Here I scream.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie within.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside this dream.
Red soaked sunlight soaks this sky.
Fading into the dark as this day ends.
Selfish as only I, I beg to die.
To just take on another useless trend.
I scream your name on these broken knees,
Is there ever a happy end?
Will we ever win?
Here I cry.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie my dear sin.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside, but dear God I will try.
Every spent drop of blood,
every glass of wine.
All the torn skin,
born into bread.
You crucified.
And oh God of my life,
wrapped in love and held me.
Strife and the dead are mine.
But I am yours.
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