You have to love the feeling of internal combustion...kinda like my insides were on fire.
Boo-freaking-yeah!
...>_>
Monday, September 1, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Seeing If Believing
Just why am I here?
This pain inside never ceases.
I feel cold stares of blank confusion
as I wander from room to room,
full of wonder.
Rain falls outside your windows.
But I just feel the pain as it increases,
the intensity inside sears.
I ask politely for a change
but it never happens.
I ask for a chance
and it never ceases to never be.
It is the feeling of walking in on yourself naked.
This starkness you cannot hide.
Just wipe away the tears you cried,
it's time to be a big boy now.
Time to be a man.
It doesn't matter that you are about to crack,
that you have broken you back,
what matters is you push back.
I am told I was never known by most.
There is a shame of knowing someone desperate.
Desperate for love, for change and for attention.
Those most often given to it know of what I speak,
just be looking out the window you can see.
You see the lies in the mirror and love the window,
just so you can see what you can see and hate.
It is a drunken toxin you love to embrace.
I cannot hope to separate the two,
where you end and I begin.
I look at me and hate what I see
because what I see is me within me.
Withering, cracking and unable to hold up.
I want to go home.
Where the sun never dies.
Where every tear is wiped,
no matter the eye that cried.
I want to go home,
to see the beginning I never knew
and to be held before I fully die.
The waves crash outside your window,
sending cascades across your perfect lies.
Towers of sand torn down by the times.
A look into your shallow soul
revealing just me.
Named as myself,
naked as my sin.
I am the one I always were.
I am the me you will never see.
This pain inside never ceases.
I feel cold stares of blank confusion
as I wander from room to room,
full of wonder.
Rain falls outside your windows.
But I just feel the pain as it increases,
the intensity inside sears.
I ask politely for a change
but it never happens.
I ask for a chance
and it never ceases to never be.
It is the feeling of walking in on yourself naked.
This starkness you cannot hide.
Just wipe away the tears you cried,
it's time to be a big boy now.
Time to be a man.
It doesn't matter that you are about to crack,
that you have broken you back,
what matters is you push back.
I am told I was never known by most.
There is a shame of knowing someone desperate.
Desperate for love, for change and for attention.
Those most often given to it know of what I speak,
just be looking out the window you can see.
You see the lies in the mirror and love the window,
just so you can see what you can see and hate.
It is a drunken toxin you love to embrace.
I cannot hope to separate the two,
where you end and I begin.
I look at me and hate what I see
because what I see is me within me.
Withering, cracking and unable to hold up.
I want to go home.
Where the sun never dies.
Where every tear is wiped,
no matter the eye that cried.
I want to go home,
to see the beginning I never knew
and to be held before I fully die.
The waves crash outside your window,
sending cascades across your perfect lies.
Towers of sand torn down by the times.
A look into your shallow soul
revealing just me.
Named as myself,
naked as my sin.
I am the one I always were.
I am the me you will never see.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
The Rising Sun
It is weird to not sleep at night. For reasons I am not sure of, my body just has a mind of its own...normally I can't sleep late...but this has gone to the next level to where I just can't sleep...well I mean a couple hours here and there but nothing seriously consistent...it IS slightly annoying I will admit.
But something just annoying must be to all the English majors I know, yet I still make a ridiculous amount of spelling and grammatical errors.
If it wasn't for the built in spell checker with Mozilla Firefox I think I would be eternally doomed to not being able to write anything online without seeming like an uneducated twit.
The dawn comes up, I'm not ready for it.
It is hard to be nice.
Especially when someone imposes.
It is kinda hard to be myself
when I feel the need to guard.
People can be crass
and act as if everyone has a price,
that everything is just a pose,
but thank God reality sets in.
I'm so tired of the falseness of it all.
Holden Caulfield knows of what I speak.
The fake smiles, plastic suits,
and their false sincerity in calls.
It's only the strong who rule, not the meek.
It is dog eat dog and they just say hot dog.
Ruling, lording, controlling and moving.
I loose my perception so easily and I get caught up in everything else.
Everything, everything, everything.
I so badly wish things could slow down for once, that things could be the same.
The pain could be the pain and myself can be me, can be I and most the certain of all is that it would not be you.
I want to be left alone.
I'm afraid to be touched,
to be known.
Every touch and movement makes me sick.
Grown? Never.
Child like in false sincerity and nothing more.
Nothing much except that I am me,
nothing more and nothing less.
I've wanted to be you and I have wanted more.
Silly is and silly does but you are so silly within.
Just confusion.
Rambling beats over the din of drunken noise.
I'm so tired and beg, yes beg for a change.
Not just more people causing pain,
but pain causing people.
Purpose, malignant, stagnant and utterly disgustingly pretension purpose.
Why can't I sleep?
Where are you?
I need sleep so much.
Please.
But something just annoying must be to all the English majors I know, yet I still make a ridiculous amount of spelling and grammatical errors.
If it wasn't for the built in spell checker with Mozilla Firefox I think I would be eternally doomed to not being able to write anything online without seeming like an uneducated twit.
The dawn comes up, I'm not ready for it.
It is hard to be nice.
Especially when someone imposes.
It is kinda hard to be myself
when I feel the need to guard.
People can be crass
and act as if everyone has a price,
that everything is just a pose,
but thank God reality sets in.
I'm so tired of the falseness of it all.
Holden Caulfield knows of what I speak.
The fake smiles, plastic suits,
and their false sincerity in calls.
It's only the strong who rule, not the meek.
It is dog eat dog and they just say hot dog.
Ruling, lording, controlling and moving.
I loose my perception so easily and I get caught up in everything else.
Everything, everything, everything.
I so badly wish things could slow down for once, that things could be the same.
The pain could be the pain and myself can be me, can be I and most the certain of all is that it would not be you.
I want to be left alone.
I'm afraid to be touched,
to be known.
Every touch and movement makes me sick.
Grown? Never.
Child like in false sincerity and nothing more.
Nothing much except that I am me,
nothing more and nothing less.
I've wanted to be you and I have wanted more.
Silly is and silly does but you are so silly within.
Just confusion.
Rambling beats over the din of drunken noise.
I'm so tired and beg, yes beg for a change.
Not just more people causing pain,
but pain causing people.
Purpose, malignant, stagnant and utterly disgustingly pretension purpose.
Why can't I sleep?
Where are you?
I need sleep so much.
Please.
Random Thought
You know...as much as I enjoyed writing about all of those songs...I just realized posting them up here will most likely contribute to the deliquesce of the youth and the utter collapse of the economy because of the increase of file sharing.
Why must human beings so broken?
Why do we always tread the line of good and evil so closely?
Why the devil can I not go to sleep right now?!?!
Why must human beings so broken?
Why do we always tread the line of good and evil so closely?
Why the devil can I not go to sleep right now?!?!
Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Music Only)
01 Zak and Sara.wma
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
03 Something About Us.wma
04 Face to Face.wma
05 Disarm.wma
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
08 To Far Away Times.wma
09 Still Fighting It.wma
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
12 Digital Love.wma
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
14 Fools Paradise.wma
15 Roads.wma
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
17 All I Want is You.wma
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
03 Something About Us.wma
04 Face to Face.wma
05 Disarm.wma
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
08 To Far Away Times.wma
09 Still Fighting It.wma
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
12 Digital Love.wma
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
14 Fools Paradise.wma
15 Roads.wma
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
17 All I Want is You.wma
Reasonably Good Music Volume I (Essay Version)
Music moves the soul.
Memories long forgotten can be stirred and brought back to the forefront after years of forgetfulness.
That being said...this collection of songs holds a special place in my heart because of so having developed many deep connections to most of these songs.
Plus I think it is a rather nice eclectic mix of songs that reflect my music collection, which in turn reflects the oddity of my self and person.
There will be a second volume coming soon at some point. Expect some Bowie, lesser known Queen, Showbread, Reese Roper, possibly a harder song or two and more video game music for sure.
01 Zak and Sara.wma
-The piano is one instrument I want to play very badly, please believe that I do just that, play very badly. However, Ben Folds is what I would consider a musical and lyrical genius. This rather upbeat song has a good bit of wordplay that I find chuckle worthy every time.
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. More amazing piano (to me at least) and a lyric about a hippie who 'grows up' and becomes 'a big man'. Interesting thoughts about how in seeking to improve ourselves we can really loose who we are...regardless of cause or reason.
03 Something About Us.wma
-Mixing it up is a little Daft Punk. They are one of the few electronic based bands I am very familiar with. Being able to mix up some tight electronic beats with strong pop-centric hooks is a sure fire win in my book. The song itself is a simple love song about the need to get the feelings out in the open, the need to confess feelings even with the possibilities of rejection.
04 Face to Face.wma
-Another Daft Punk song about love. It is astounding how often in every day relationships we get so sidetracked by prideful presumptions about who people are. One of the hardest things to do is just to break down and reveal who we are and actually take the time to get to know someone on a real personal level.
05 Disarm.wma
-Regardless of whether or not Billy Corgan was the band Nazi he is reported to be (anyone who has been in a band with me knows how I can be about practice...that could explain how every time I bring up the subject of playing music with people they run like I just casually mentioned I am a carrier of the Bubonic Plague, but I digress)the Smashing Pumpkins created a WIDE range of incredibly diverse music. This particular song works so well because of the minimum amount of instrumentation on such a horrific subject.
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
-I have no practical knowledge of Japanese but I believe this song is called Rakuen and that translates either into 'Paradise' or 'Hallelujah' (can anyone help me out?). This rather minimalistic song carries with it some rather heavy memories.
It should not come as a surprise that I am a dork/geek/whatever and this song if from the anime Trigun. It is used in the death scene of a main character that has finally reached a realization that the faith he has been living his whole life has been a mere shadow of the truth. I tend to be an overemotional wreck anyways but just seeing him bleeding badly and (paraphrasing because I don't have the dvd on me) "God, not like this! I'm not ready to die yet!"...it just really hits like you a punch in the stomach...because life is that harsh. Not realizing the truth before us and waiting will only lead to further pain and the hollowness of a life wasted on blood and gunsmoke.
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
-This next selection is a piano arrangement of a song from what I consider to be the single most amazing video game of all time (and a massive influence on me in every possible way), Chrono Trigger. It was released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1995. It was a role playing game featuring a deep story, time travel, real character development, life, love and tragic death. Just hearing the music is enough to stir my soul and my memories. This particular track is taken from the era of 600AD which is set up as being a very medieval age with your normal fantasy elements of dark wizards and goblins.
08 To Far Away Times.wma
-This is the closing love theme from Chrono Trigger reworked with added vocals. I honestly can't help but almost shed tears every time I hear it. It very well could be just my sentimentality combined with a memories and a desire to relive that child like wonder of experiencing such an amazing story...but deep down I believe it is my soul that is speaking. It's longing, it's aching desire to be united with not just a true love in this world but to be united in eternity with my True Love in the next world, a world without end. A world where every tear will be wiped away, death will be destroyed and peace can finally be brought to humanity. A future, a desire and a beauty worth living for.
09 Still Fighting It.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. If I am correct in this information, he wrote this song to his son about the day Ben Folds told his son that him and his mother were getting divorced.
My earliest childhood memories are of my parents arguing. They got divorced when I was three. I remember him going to jail and being dropped off by the police officer at my grandmothers house next door. I remember watching the first gulf war on TV and having the child hood worry that the prisoners (my dad in particular) would be forced to fight and maybe die.
I got to see him a few times for birthday presents (That Super Nintendo I mentioned earlier) and such...and finally when I was nine and in third grade he got visitation privileges of getting to see me every other weekend. I saw him twice. The last time I saw him alive was in Calera, Alabama in the parking lot of Hardees. My mom had come to pick me up and I remember him giving me a hug and kissing me, because his beard was coarse and caused me to itch.
The following Sunday he was found dead on a couch. He had fallen asleep and he died of a heart attack at thirty-three.
I wonder who the man was. I have photographs, an annual, some back stage passes he had and a few cassette tapes he had. I know he loved music greatly, wanted to organize a benefit concert in Birmingham for the poor and homeless and that my mom had a wreck in 1984 (or so) where they were badly messed up. Apparently my dad shielded my sister and he broke his back. Eventually, because of the pain he became addicted to pain killers and became an alcoholic. He wasn't able to do his job very well and eventually he quit because of his coworkers. I also know he was arrested over a bad thing...that my step father was kind enough to inform me of while he was in the midst of an alcohol influenced binge that also involved him showing me porn in order to 'explain the birds and the bees'.
My life is shaped so much by a man I barely knew. There is a hole in my heart where I wish he could be. I wonder what he would actually think of me...of how I want to write, how I am a Christian, how I feel I am supposed to do ministry, how I feel compelled to play music, how I want to make him proud even though he is dead.
I honestly have no clue if he is in Heaven or Hell. At the funeral the pastor said he was a brother in Christ and of course was in heaven, but seriously, how many preachers do you know would tell the family of someone dead that their loved one had died without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal savior and because they had no one to take the punishment for their sins that loved one is now being punished infinitely for hurting and rejecting a God who has infinite love but yet infinite wrath for sin?
I could go on...but I am quite sure this was too much information. The most important line in that song to me is:
"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me.
I'm sorry."
For some reason I feel like that is something my dad might have told me before I left for college, or maybe if he ever would have heard me preach, teach or me play on stage with a band. That he loved me, that he cares for me and that he was sorry for the flaws that I got from him.
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
-This is a song by the Japanese artist Rie Fu. It was used as the credit music for the first season of the spectacular anime Bleach. Deep lyrics on love, the confusion of love and dedication.
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
-I'm a U2 fan. I will take flack for this but I will die defending the importance of U2 music to my life. Me being introduced to them has helped shape me on a deeper level musically, writing wise, spiritually and in all ways artistic.
This particular song is named after the movie it was on the soundtrack for and is from the eclectic album Zooropa, which in turn was recorded in the midst of their massive Zoo TV Tour. Unlike most of the other songs on this album that featured an electronic influence this one is almost quite straight forward.
The lyric is about a severally broken woman (of which I have dated some) who uses and let's herself be used. It's a plea for her to come to sense and realize that she is going to self destruct with the way she is living...that brokenness cannot be fixed with breaking oneself further, one has to "Stay with the spirit I found, Stay and the night would be enough".
12 Digital Love.wma
-Finally a non depressing track.
This is another Daft Punk track on the subject of love and a 'discovery' of feelings.
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
-Led Zeppelin is quite a classic rock band but towards the end of their recording life they came up with this fun little ditty about a poor sap standing in the rain while waiting for his girl.
14 Fools Paradise.wma
-Another selection from the Trigun soundtrack. It's used sporadicly throughout the series as background music and is never heard in its full form until the very end of the series. A fool's paradise is a noun defined as being "a state of enjoyment based on false beliefs or hopes; a state of illusory happiness". Which is a rather fitting way that most people would view the protagonist of Trigun, Vash.
He is a happy go lucky gun fighter with a weakness for doughnuts and in strict competition with Bono about who is more Christ like. Vash 'The Stampede' is a character who despite the first impression he gives to people of him being a bumbling fool, he is in fact an ace gunman who fights in such a way that he never takes a life under any circumstances, even to the point of being mangled. He has a love for humanity on a desolate dessert planet that defies reason. Vash is an eternal optimist that doesn't just hope for the best but sees how the good can come out of every person and situation.
For sure he is a hero of mine.
15 Roads.wma
-Blindside is a Swedish Christian metal band. However this is a rather jazzy song from their album "About a Burning Fire". This is just another well written and developed song that manages to get its meaning across with ease.
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
-U2 at the height of the 80's with a collaboration with Bob Dylan. At times it feels like a very strong spiritual, a hymn even. I won't sully the beauty of it but just give an excerpt of my favorite part:
"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
17 All I Want is You.wma
-Yes, one last U2 song. For those of you who are familiar with the U2 song "With or Without You" this was originally written as a coda for that song.
I like to think of myself as a hopeful romantic...but at the end of the day relationships are hard, they hurt and because of my personality type...I have an incredible amount of empathy, which in a positive way helps me desire to love and serve others...but consequently it means I hurt deeper and in ways that words cannot describe. It may just be not having a hard enough shell but even the smallest of words can be taken the wrong way and cause a deep wound...conversely that is something that is overcome only by the love given to me from above.
Point being...this is my favorite love song of all time. If I ever get married I would like for this to somehow be involved in the wedding.
The way this song approaches things is that is expounds upon the absolute mysterious nature of women. I was reading an interview with Bono and at the time of writing this song he and his wife had been married about ten years but in many ways she was still a mystery to him. People tend to mask themselves and hide because of the fear of who they are, a fear that they are not good enough and that no one would love them if they were themselves.
This song, to me, feels like a plea to be able to understand his love deeper and beyond words, beyond physical tokens, beyond any of our stupid and shallow misconceptions of love...but actually having deep spiritual and emotional intimacy. Not just the fast food get whatever sex you can that all of us so easily want to dive into.
True love seems impossible in this world and to be honest it is. But one of the constant reminders to me that there is a loving God is that love does exist. Love is just as irrational as the concept of a loving creator...and both are deep pools of insanity I am more then desperate enough to not just dive into but to drink deeply from and to explore the rich depths until the end of eternity.
Memories long forgotten can be stirred and brought back to the forefront after years of forgetfulness.
That being said...this collection of songs holds a special place in my heart because of so having developed many deep connections to most of these songs.
Plus I think it is a rather nice eclectic mix of songs that reflect my music collection, which in turn reflects the oddity of my self and person.
There will be a second volume coming soon at some point. Expect some Bowie, lesser known Queen, Showbread, Reese Roper, possibly a harder song or two and more video game music for sure.
01 Zak and Sara.wma
-The piano is one instrument I want to play very badly, please believe that I do just that, play very badly. However, Ben Folds is what I would consider a musical and lyrical genius. This rather upbeat song has a good bit of wordplay that I find chuckle worthy every time.
02 The Asent of Stan.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. More amazing piano (to me at least) and a lyric about a hippie who 'grows up' and becomes 'a big man'. Interesting thoughts about how in seeking to improve ourselves we can really loose who we are...regardless of cause or reason.
03 Something About Us.wma
-Mixing it up is a little Daft Punk. They are one of the few electronic based bands I am very familiar with. Being able to mix up some tight electronic beats with strong pop-centric hooks is a sure fire win in my book. The song itself is a simple love song about the need to get the feelings out in the open, the need to confess feelings even with the possibilities of rejection.
04 Face to Face.wma
-Another Daft Punk song about love. It is astounding how often in every day relationships we get so sidetracked by prideful presumptions about who people are. One of the hardest things to do is just to break down and reveal who we are and actually take the time to get to know someone on a real personal level.
05 Disarm.wma
-Regardless of whether or not Billy Corgan was the band Nazi he is reported to be (anyone who has been in a band with me knows how I can be about practice...that could explain how every time I bring up the subject of playing music with people they run like I just casually mentioned I am a carrier of the Bubonic Plague, but I digress)the Smashing Pumpkins created a WIDE range of incredibly diverse music. This particular song works so well because of the minimum amount of instrumentation on such a horrific subject.
06 Rakuen (Paradise).wma
-I have no practical knowledge of Japanese but I believe this song is called Rakuen and that translates either into 'Paradise' or 'Hallelujah' (can anyone help me out?). This rather minimalistic song carries with it some rather heavy memories.
It should not come as a surprise that I am a dork/geek/whatever and this song if from the anime Trigun. It is used in the death scene of a main character that has finally reached a realization that the faith he has been living his whole life has been a mere shadow of the truth. I tend to be an overemotional wreck anyways but just seeing him bleeding badly and (paraphrasing because I don't have the dvd on me) "God, not like this! I'm not ready to die yet!"...it just really hits like you a punch in the stomach...because life is that harsh. Not realizing the truth before us and waiting will only lead to further pain and the hollowness of a life wasted on blood and gunsmoke.
07 600 A.D. Theme.wma
-This next selection is a piano arrangement of a song from what I consider to be the single most amazing video game of all time (and a massive influence on me in every possible way), Chrono Trigger. It was released for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System in 1995. It was a role playing game featuring a deep story, time travel, real character development, life, love and tragic death. Just hearing the music is enough to stir my soul and my memories. This particular track is taken from the era of 600AD which is set up as being a very medieval age with your normal fantasy elements of dark wizards and goblins.
08 To Far Away Times.wma
-This is the closing love theme from Chrono Trigger reworked with added vocals. I honestly can't help but almost shed tears every time I hear it. It very well could be just my sentimentality combined with a memories and a desire to relive that child like wonder of experiencing such an amazing story...but deep down I believe it is my soul that is speaking. It's longing, it's aching desire to be united with not just a true love in this world but to be united in eternity with my True Love in the next world, a world without end. A world where every tear will be wiped away, death will be destroyed and peace can finally be brought to humanity. A future, a desire and a beauty worth living for.
09 Still Fighting It.wma
-Another Ben Folds song. If I am correct in this information, he wrote this song to his son about the day Ben Folds told his son that him and his mother were getting divorced.
My earliest childhood memories are of my parents arguing. They got divorced when I was three. I remember him going to jail and being dropped off by the police officer at my grandmothers house next door. I remember watching the first gulf war on TV and having the child hood worry that the prisoners (my dad in particular) would be forced to fight and maybe die.
I got to see him a few times for birthday presents (That Super Nintendo I mentioned earlier) and such...and finally when I was nine and in third grade he got visitation privileges of getting to see me every other weekend. I saw him twice. The last time I saw him alive was in Calera, Alabama in the parking lot of Hardees. My mom had come to pick me up and I remember him giving me a hug and kissing me, because his beard was coarse and caused me to itch.
The following Sunday he was found dead on a couch. He had fallen asleep and he died of a heart attack at thirty-three.
I wonder who the man was. I have photographs, an annual, some back stage passes he had and a few cassette tapes he had. I know he loved music greatly, wanted to organize a benefit concert in Birmingham for the poor and homeless and that my mom had a wreck in 1984 (or so) where they were badly messed up. Apparently my dad shielded my sister and he broke his back. Eventually, because of the pain he became addicted to pain killers and became an alcoholic. He wasn't able to do his job very well and eventually he quit because of his coworkers. I also know he was arrested over a bad thing...that my step father was kind enough to inform me of while he was in the midst of an alcohol influenced binge that also involved him showing me porn in order to 'explain the birds and the bees'.
My life is shaped so much by a man I barely knew. There is a hole in my heart where I wish he could be. I wonder what he would actually think of me...of how I want to write, how I am a Christian, how I feel I am supposed to do ministry, how I feel compelled to play music, how I want to make him proud even though he is dead.
I honestly have no clue if he is in Heaven or Hell. At the funeral the pastor said he was a brother in Christ and of course was in heaven, but seriously, how many preachers do you know would tell the family of someone dead that their loved one had died without knowing Jesus Christ as their personal savior and because they had no one to take the punishment for their sins that loved one is now being punished infinitely for hurting and rejecting a God who has infinite love but yet infinite wrath for sin?
I could go on...but I am quite sure this was too much information. The most important line in that song to me is:
"everybody knows
it hurts to grow up
and everybody does
and so weird to be back here
let me tell you what
the years go on and we're still fighting it
and you're so much like me.
I'm sorry."
For some reason I feel like that is something my dad might have told me before I left for college, or maybe if he ever would have heard me preach, teach or me play on stage with a band. That he loved me, that he cares for me and that he was sorry for the flaws that I got from him.
10 Life is Like A Boat.wma
-This is a song by the Japanese artist Rie Fu. It was used as the credit music for the first season of the spectacular anime Bleach. Deep lyrics on love, the confusion of love and dedication.
11 Stay (Faraway, So Close!).wma
-I'm a U2 fan. I will take flack for this but I will die defending the importance of U2 music to my life. Me being introduced to them has helped shape me on a deeper level musically, writing wise, spiritually and in all ways artistic.
This particular song is named after the movie it was on the soundtrack for and is from the eclectic album Zooropa, which in turn was recorded in the midst of their massive Zoo TV Tour. Unlike most of the other songs on this album that featured an electronic influence this one is almost quite straight forward.
The lyric is about a severally broken woman (of which I have dated some) who uses and let's herself be used. It's a plea for her to come to sense and realize that she is going to self destruct with the way she is living...that brokenness cannot be fixed with breaking oneself further, one has to "Stay with the spirit I found, Stay and the night would be enough".
12 Digital Love.wma
-Finally a non depressing track.
This is another Daft Punk track on the subject of love and a 'discovery' of feelings.
13 Fool in the Rain.wma
-Led Zeppelin is quite a classic rock band but towards the end of their recording life they came up with this fun little ditty about a poor sap standing in the rain while waiting for his girl.
14 Fools Paradise.wma
-Another selection from the Trigun soundtrack. It's used sporadicly throughout the series as background music and is never heard in its full form until the very end of the series. A fool's paradise is a noun defined as being "a state of enjoyment based on false beliefs or hopes; a state of illusory happiness". Which is a rather fitting way that most people would view the protagonist of Trigun, Vash.
He is a happy go lucky gun fighter with a weakness for doughnuts and in strict competition with Bono about who is more Christ like. Vash 'The Stampede' is a character who despite the first impression he gives to people of him being a bumbling fool, he is in fact an ace gunman who fights in such a way that he never takes a life under any circumstances, even to the point of being mangled. He has a love for humanity on a desolate dessert planet that defies reason. Vash is an eternal optimist that doesn't just hope for the best but sees how the good can come out of every person and situation.
For sure he is a hero of mine.
15 Roads.wma
-Blindside is a Swedish Christian metal band. However this is a rather jazzy song from their album "About a Burning Fire". This is just another well written and developed song that manages to get its meaning across with ease.
16 Love Rescue Me.wma
-U2 at the height of the 80's with a collaboration with Bob Dylan. At times it feels like a very strong spiritual, a hymn even. I won't sully the beauty of it but just give an excerpt of my favorite part:
"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me
I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"
17 All I Want is You.wma
-Yes, one last U2 song. For those of you who are familiar with the U2 song "With or Without You" this was originally written as a coda for that song.
I like to think of myself as a hopeful romantic...but at the end of the day relationships are hard, they hurt and because of my personality type...I have an incredible amount of empathy, which in a positive way helps me desire to love and serve others...but consequently it means I hurt deeper and in ways that words cannot describe. It may just be not having a hard enough shell but even the smallest of words can be taken the wrong way and cause a deep wound...conversely that is something that is overcome only by the love given to me from above.
Point being...this is my favorite love song of all time. If I ever get married I would like for this to somehow be involved in the wedding.
The way this song approaches things is that is expounds upon the absolute mysterious nature of women. I was reading an interview with Bono and at the time of writing this song he and his wife had been married about ten years but in many ways she was still a mystery to him. People tend to mask themselves and hide because of the fear of who they are, a fear that they are not good enough and that no one would love them if they were themselves.
This song, to me, feels like a plea to be able to understand his love deeper and beyond words, beyond physical tokens, beyond any of our stupid and shallow misconceptions of love...but actually having deep spiritual and emotional intimacy. Not just the fast food get whatever sex you can that all of us so easily want to dive into.
True love seems impossible in this world and to be honest it is. But one of the constant reminders to me that there is a loving God is that love does exist. Love is just as irrational as the concept of a loving creator...and both are deep pools of insanity I am more then desperate enough to not just dive into but to drink deeply from and to explore the rich depths until the end of eternity.
The Misadentures of One Princess Christine - Outline
Note to self: Since I was stupid enough to forget to upload this earlier...I'm stuck without a way to be able to edit and add...so this is a continuation of a story with no beginning...but to give the general idea...
-Princess Christine is a, wait for it, princess in the kingdom of Lahdehrah.
-She gets bored of the royal life and of her father pressuring her into arranged marriages so she waits until night and escapes.
-Upon escaping she finds her way to the local village and its tavern.
-Hijinks ensue and has no money to pay for her drinks.
-She is approached by a rather fugly man and a rather dashing but slightly incompetent swashbuckling mage named Nelvin comes to the rescue.
-The fugly man and Nelvin go at it and Nelvin prevails long enough to have a glass bottle smashed over his head.
-Senior Fugly and his cohorts take Christine and Nelvin, bind them up and carry them off with the hopes of selling them into slavery.
-Through a series of yet to be determined disasters combined with Nelvin's bravo they manage to break free...but the duo find themselves in an unfamiliar area (possibly called The Rounds...a sort of dirty, quasi industrial area with an active slave trade as well as an arena for gladiator battles).
-Stuff happens in the city...maybe stuff like them getting lost, running from Fugly and his men, Nelvin somehow accidentally ending up in a Tournament of Arms and confesses to Christine that he isn't a swordsman or mage of noble birth like he had claimed but he is a mere squire whose Knight Mage had died leaving him with no patron. Christine kisses him and tells of her royalty. Nelvin freaks out and falls on a knee before her apologizing and she essentially has to slap some sense into him and just tells him to do his best to not die.
-Of course by a 'royal' fluke Nelvin ends up winning the entire tournament getting them enough gold to be able to travel and begin to find their way back to the kingdom.
-I would like to include a dragon at some point.
-Elves wouldn't be bad, maybe halflings and dwarves as well. Fairies rock too.
-At least one more tavern brawl.
-Possibly a lead up to where they will be getting married but in the end of the story some crazy plot twist where it gets delayed...an invading army led by an enraged Fugly and some bandits or something?
-Princess Christine is a, wait for it, princess in the kingdom of Lahdehrah.
-She gets bored of the royal life and of her father pressuring her into arranged marriages so she waits until night and escapes.
-Upon escaping she finds her way to the local village and its tavern.
-Hijinks ensue and has no money to pay for her drinks.
-She is approached by a rather fugly man and a rather dashing but slightly incompetent swashbuckling mage named Nelvin comes to the rescue.
-The fugly man and Nelvin go at it and Nelvin prevails long enough to have a glass bottle smashed over his head.
-Senior Fugly and his cohorts take Christine and Nelvin, bind them up and carry them off with the hopes of selling them into slavery.
-Through a series of yet to be determined disasters combined with Nelvin's bravo they manage to break free...but the duo find themselves in an unfamiliar area (possibly called The Rounds...a sort of dirty, quasi industrial area with an active slave trade as well as an arena for gladiator battles).
-Stuff happens in the city...maybe stuff like them getting lost, running from Fugly and his men, Nelvin somehow accidentally ending up in a Tournament of Arms and confesses to Christine that he isn't a swordsman or mage of noble birth like he had claimed but he is a mere squire whose Knight Mage had died leaving him with no patron. Christine kisses him and tells of her royalty. Nelvin freaks out and falls on a knee before her apologizing and she essentially has to slap some sense into him and just tells him to do his best to not die.
-Of course by a 'royal' fluke Nelvin ends up winning the entire tournament getting them enough gold to be able to travel and begin to find their way back to the kingdom.
-I would like to include a dragon at some point.
-Elves wouldn't be bad, maybe halflings and dwarves as well. Fairies rock too.
-At least one more tavern brawl.
-Possibly a lead up to where they will be getting married but in the end of the story some crazy plot twist where it gets delayed...an invading army led by an enraged Fugly and some bandits or something?
Friday, August 29, 2008
Three-Oh-One
All of these thoughts
I've bled for you.
Every sick scrape,
every cut of my flesh
is this sin for you.
This dark colored robe
I just wear draped,
I wear this sin just for you.
Here I scream.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie within.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside this dream.
Red soaked sunlight soaks this sky.
Fading into the dark as this day ends.
Selfish as only I, I beg to die.
To just take on another useless trend.
I scream your name on these broken knees,
Is there ever a happy end?
Will we ever win?
Here I cry.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie my dear sin.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside, but dear God I will try.
Every spent drop of blood,
every glass of wine.
All the torn skin,
born into bread.
You crucified.
And oh God of my life,
wrapped in love and held me.
Strife and the dead are mine.
But I am yours.
I've bled for you.
Every sick scrape,
every cut of my flesh
is this sin for you.
This dark colored robe
I just wear draped,
I wear this sin just for you.
Here I scream.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie within.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside this dream.
Red soaked sunlight soaks this sky.
Fading into the dark as this day ends.
Selfish as only I, I beg to die.
To just take on another useless trend.
I scream your name on these broken knees,
Is there ever a happy end?
Will we ever win?
Here I cry.
This darkness closing in,
the fading sun a lost friend.
Every half truth,
every lost lie my dear sin.
Myself faker then these trends,
crucified to your name.
Blood soaked wood and nails my only reminder,
of the hate born inside, but dear God I will try.
Every spent drop of blood,
every glass of wine.
All the torn skin,
born into bread.
You crucified.
And oh God of my life,
wrapped in love and held me.
Strife and the dead are mine.
But I am yours.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Post Three Hundred of the Year!
...I just don't have much to report.
Just kinda sick...kinda tired and have an odd taste in my mouth from the meds.
Life moves on and on and on...
Yeah.
Witty and funny, come back!!
Just kinda sick...kinda tired and have an odd taste in my mouth from the meds.
Life moves on and on and on...
Yeah.
Witty and funny, come back!!
Daddy...this has been one long night. Please stay with them tonight and hold them close.
I'm...I have no clue who Matthew is...I just know I am needy and in need of you. Please hold me closer and whisper in my ear one more time about how much you love me. Please tell me again how much you desire my presence, how you can take these blood soaked clothes and trade them for something new...something clean.
Daddy, I love you. I need you so much.
I'm...I have no clue who Matthew is...I just know I am needy and in need of you. Please hold me closer and whisper in my ear one more time about how much you love me. Please tell me again how much you desire my presence, how you can take these blood soaked clothes and trade them for something new...something clean.
Daddy, I love you. I need you so much.
A Frantic Prayer
Jesus...Jesus...I'm alone in this world and fucked up world it is too.
Tell me. Tell me the story.
The one about eternity...and the way it's all going to be.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father,
he made the world in seven.
He's in charge of heaven,
could you put a word in for me?
-U2, 'Wake Up Dead Man'
You can see through me right now. They are asking me to pray, asking me to be something I am not. I've pranced along the way pretending I'm somehow a man of God when I am nothing but a sinning shame.
This is a damn shame.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for this paper thin faith that can't even believe ion you strong enough for me to crawl out of this depressed self indulgent hole. I was thinking about music, boy time for the band! Fucking actual demons possible running around and what do I think...hey, music ministry!
Pure genius.
Can you please forgive me for being so stagnant, so hollow, so apathetic and so self absorbed?
I want to be sorry, sorry for having such a fake faith, such an apathetic view on life and having no concern for others and salvation.
I'm scared to prayer, I'm scared to do anythign but sit in here self indulging my ever whim and desire.
Could you please wash their family in your Spirit and in your peace? Would you please move in the only way that you can? Would you please, for your own sake, for being adherent to your own word, honor the prayers and faith of all of those begging for freedom for this soul?
What do i do now? I can't prayer on my knees because I'm so easily distracted...I'm so uncaring. I can act all cool, give answers and look good in a Bible study but when the shit breaks loose...I'm loss for words...I have no comfort to offer.
If there was anyone worthy of your holy and horrifying wrath it would be those hypocritical leaders like me. Wolves in sheep skin acting as if to care about your flock and only doing enough to ensure people are damned to Hell.
Yeah, that is beautiful isn't it?
My mind...my body...my soul...it is all sick and it is all exhausted...and you know what? I don't care. I say bring on the pain, this is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of this fucked up world and the pain running through it.
All the pain, all this suffering and I do nothing, I do not even bother to pray.
Please forgive me for being the problem and for adding to it. Please forgive me for embracing myself instead of your word, your spirit and your love. Please see through these insufficient cries and hear me. Please listen and break this rotten and stone filled hot.
Hold me in your arms tightly and never let me go. Daddy, Father, I am so desperate to know you closer. Please, do something now. Please
Reveal yourself, please whisper in their ears of your love, please do something to stir the heart. Do not let this be the end, help the body to fight, to live, to no longer be addicted to this world.
Cast down these strongholds of sin, these mocking demons and let the captives be free by your blood.
Thank you for loving me through the long nights. Thank you for never leaving me Daddy. I love you so much.
I pray and beg this in Christ's name.
Amen.
Tell me. Tell me the story.
The one about eternity...and the way it's all going to be.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Wake up.
Wake up dead man.
Jesus, I'm waiting here boss
I know you're looking out for us
But maybe your hands aren't free
Your father,
he made the world in seven.
He's in charge of heaven,
could you put a word in for me?
-U2, 'Wake Up Dead Man'
You can see through me right now. They are asking me to pray, asking me to be something I am not. I've pranced along the way pretending I'm somehow a man of God when I am nothing but a sinning shame.
This is a damn shame.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry for this paper thin faith that can't even believe ion you strong enough for me to crawl out of this depressed self indulgent hole. I was thinking about music, boy time for the band! Fucking actual demons possible running around and what do I think...hey, music ministry!
Pure genius.
Can you please forgive me for being so stagnant, so hollow, so apathetic and so self absorbed?
I want to be sorry, sorry for having such a fake faith, such an apathetic view on life and having no concern for others and salvation.
I'm scared to prayer, I'm scared to do anythign but sit in here self indulging my ever whim and desire.
Could you please wash their family in your Spirit and in your peace? Would you please move in the only way that you can? Would you please, for your own sake, for being adherent to your own word, honor the prayers and faith of all of those begging for freedom for this soul?
What do i do now? I can't prayer on my knees because I'm so easily distracted...I'm so uncaring. I can act all cool, give answers and look good in a Bible study but when the shit breaks loose...I'm loss for words...I have no comfort to offer.
If there was anyone worthy of your holy and horrifying wrath it would be those hypocritical leaders like me. Wolves in sheep skin acting as if to care about your flock and only doing enough to ensure people are damned to Hell.
Yeah, that is beautiful isn't it?
My mind...my body...my soul...it is all sick and it is all exhausted...and you know what? I don't care. I say bring on the pain, this is absolutely nothing compared to the rest of this fucked up world and the pain running through it.
All the pain, all this suffering and I do nothing, I do not even bother to pray.
Please forgive me for being the problem and for adding to it. Please forgive me for embracing myself instead of your word, your spirit and your love. Please see through these insufficient cries and hear me. Please listen and break this rotten and stone filled hot.
Hold me in your arms tightly and never let me go. Daddy, Father, I am so desperate to know you closer. Please, do something now. Please
Reveal yourself, please whisper in their ears of your love, please do something to stir the heart. Do not let this be the end, help the body to fight, to live, to no longer be addicted to this world.
Cast down these strongholds of sin, these mocking demons and let the captives be free by your blood.
Thank you for loving me through the long nights. Thank you for never leaving me Daddy. I love you so much.
I pray and beg this in Christ's name.
Amen.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
I hate feeling so torn, so separated...these feelings of pain, depression, sickness and doubt.
Who I am hates who I have been and is afraid of who I will become.
It is so hard for me to will myself to do anything outside of self loathe.
I feel like I am something inexpressible.
I want so badly to be understood and just accepted as myself.
No more fights, no more convoluted thoughts.
Who I am hates who I have been and is afraid of who I will become.
It is so hard for me to will myself to do anything outside of self loathe.
I feel like I am something inexpressible.
I want so badly to be understood and just accepted as myself.
No more fights, no more convoluted thoughts.
Peace On Earth
Heaven on Earth, we need it now
I'm sick of all of this hanging around
Sick of sorrow, sick of the pain
I'm sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be peace on Earth
Where I grew up there weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you
And it's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt
Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the color in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth
They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger than any big idea
Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
-U2, "Peace on Earth"
I'm sick of all of this hanging around
Sick of sorrow, sick of the pain
I'm sick of hearing again and again
That there's gonna be peace on Earth
Where I grew up there weren't many trees
Where there was we'd tear them down
And use them on our enemies
They say that what you mock
Will surely overtake you
And you become a monster
So the monster will not break you
And it's already gone too far
Who said that if you go in hard
You won't get hurt
Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
Tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
No whos or whys
No one cries like a mother cries
For peace on Earth
She never got to say goodbye
To see the color in his eyes
Now he's in the dirt
Peace on Earth
They're reading names out over the radio
All the folks the rest of us won't get to know
Sean and Julia, Gareth, Ann and Breda
Their lives are bigger than any big idea
Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
Peace on Earth
-U2, "Peace on Earth"
Monday, August 25, 2008
Dearly Dearing Dance
Good night world.
Good night sky.
Good night lord.
Goodbye life.
These things run simply across the screen,
vain repetitions of a half baked lie.
Words flash incandescently by no real mean,
with nothing more than a half hearted try.
Colorful letters spelling out
as they caresses softly, grating these raw nerves.
The boy I am and the man I'll become are two different people.
The chasm of time stretches in endless miles,
the likes which seem to never end.
Willingly I bask in adoration I never earned,
desperate clawed attempts to find my way
as I strive to do nothing more then pretend.
This false salvation is what I only dare to try.
Good night dear stars.
Sleep well dear Love,
my heart in your hands.
Every last breath of my being is in You.
Every last thought of mine but a drop of Your ocean.
My being is in of and nothing more than You.
Ever pained breath,
desperate for life in this raging sea.
Every red eye,
pained by salty tears and promised lies.
Every burning ear,
conditioned to failure by damning hands.
The clay which you break and mold into beauty.
The beginnings of the greatest life never lived,
the start of a story which has never been told.
You embody the loveliness and hope we never knew we would need.
Goodnight.
Goodbye.
Dearest love of mine.
This plastic charade.
Goodbye and goodnight.
I will no longer miss you,
false smiles with pretense.
The beauty of the skin now scourged by knife
and scorched by flame.
A purity found only in the redemptive salvation of innocent blood.
The forgiveness brought and bought by something greater then me,
more then the lies I embrace as I stab you in the back.
More then I ever knew I needed.
This vain repetition I clutch too.
Goodnight, please keep me safe.
Goodbye, it is hard but I want to be free.
Goodnight, love please light my way.
Goodbye, never in ending but only in You.
Good night sky.
Good night lord.
Goodbye life.
These things run simply across the screen,
vain repetitions of a half baked lie.
Words flash incandescently by no real mean,
with nothing more than a half hearted try.
Colorful letters spelling out
as they caresses softly, grating these raw nerves.
The boy I am and the man I'll become are two different people.
The chasm of time stretches in endless miles,
the likes which seem to never end.
Willingly I bask in adoration I never earned,
desperate clawed attempts to find my way
as I strive to do nothing more then pretend.
This false salvation is what I only dare to try.
Good night dear stars.
Sleep well dear Love,
my heart in your hands.
Every last breath of my being is in You.
Every last thought of mine but a drop of Your ocean.
My being is in of and nothing more than You.
Ever pained breath,
desperate for life in this raging sea.
Every red eye,
pained by salty tears and promised lies.
Every burning ear,
conditioned to failure by damning hands.
The clay which you break and mold into beauty.
The beginnings of the greatest life never lived,
the start of a story which has never been told.
You embody the loveliness and hope we never knew we would need.
Goodnight.
Goodbye.
Dearest love of mine.
This plastic charade.
Goodbye and goodnight.
I will no longer miss you,
false smiles with pretense.
The beauty of the skin now scourged by knife
and scorched by flame.
A purity found only in the redemptive salvation of innocent blood.
The forgiveness brought and bought by something greater then me,
more then the lies I embrace as I stab you in the back.
More then I ever knew I needed.
This vain repetition I clutch too.
Goodnight, please keep me safe.
Goodbye, it is hard but I want to be free.
Goodnight, love please light my way.
Goodbye, never in ending but only in You.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
