"I've already run for dear life straight to the arms of God. So why would I run away now when you say."
-Psalm 11:1
So much chaos is going around...so much heart ache. Please hold me Jesus, please keep me safe and keep everyone around me. Help me to be a blessing and not a curse, thank you for your love and your care. I love you and need you so much.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Feeling Some Days
Every day is indeed a day,
but some days are better then others.
Some days are better worth living
and others better left running from.
Some days are better left alone,
while others you see mother.
I just keep getting this funny feeling,
that some day is just today.
You know yesterday wasn't today,
but tomorrow is just another day.
Another day.
The new day was left waiting
on the day before to catch up.
While the news from the other one
got lost on the press.
Forget duress and the day.
Come back and realize that today,
yeah today,
is just in fact another day.
but some days are better then others.
Some days are better worth living
and others better left running from.
Some days are better left alone,
while others you see mother.
I just keep getting this funny feeling,
that some day is just today.
You know yesterday wasn't today,
but tomorrow is just another day.
Another day.
The new day was left waiting
on the day before to catch up.
While the news from the other one
got lost on the press.
Forget duress and the day.
Come back and realize that today,
yeah today,
is just in fact another day.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Ye gods, how does one stupid article have some many bloody typos?
** ** **
So...I was born in and have lived in the South East U.S. my entire life, to be more specific Alabama, the belt of the metaphorical Bible Belt. Supposedly the only thing that is more sacred then Jesus down here is football and believe me does it ever show.
I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.
By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.
It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.
Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.
Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.
Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.
I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.
The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.
All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.
"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "
-Isaiah 66:1-4
I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.
We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.
Digressing...
Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."
Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.
Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"
Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).
It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48
Let's see...covered being called by ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.
So then, what now?
I have no freaking clue.
Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.
I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.
To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.
To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:
"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.
And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me
I Rejoice"
-U2, "Rejoice"
Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.
Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.
Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.
"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another. "
-Jesus, John 15-17
** ** **
Ye gads if I have to do another COMPLETE revision of this stupid article I may just start setting random objects in my room on fire.
** ** **
So...I was born in and have lived in the South East U.S. my entire life, to be more specific Alabama, the belt of the metaphorical Bible Belt. Supposedly the only thing that is more sacred then Jesus down here is football and believe me does it ever show.
I grew up in the church and at an early age felt the Father calling me to serve in ministry somewhere and somehow...and so I did, just jumping at every possibility along the way. Somehow I was a fourteen year old kid leading Bible studies and helping lead a youth group...quite surreal looking back but flash forward about three years and you will find one of the more defining moments of my life.
By this time my closest group of friends are involved in church. We have a band that plays for church services and even Wednesday mornings at our public school. We play two times, sometimes three times a week and I'm able to preach about twice a week, sometimes more.
It was incredibly exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time to see people respond. Some people would come to the Wednesday meetings just once or maybe stop by for a minute but you could just look in their eyes and see something connect with what you are playing, speaking about or praying about...it's not like people were falling over themselves in the aisle but something was going on...people were responding to the message.
Eventually the people stopped coming to the meeting in the auditorium and so we went to the people. We took acoustic guitars and a very modified version of street preaching. That was even more bizarre because we had about fifteen minutes most weeks but still people would stop and listen to our little Jesus freak show.
Looking back I'm not sure if we did more positive or negative but the focus of the message week after week was 'Jesus love you and you don't have to be perfect or religious. He just love you for yourself."...so i am praying and hoping we did more positive. Sometimes I think the church would do better to just shut up and give hugs...we don't wouldn't even have to wear tacky t-shirts either, just give our non conditional hugs...it's just a thought you know.
Eventually graduation came and exhilaration was as high as ever. College was coming in the fall but much had to be done, and by that I mean the summer mission trip. What I felt going into this trip was that to be my last youth group mission trip, and really it would come to be the catalyst that launched me into the next stage of my life and others... well in some cases completely destroying some peoples faith in God and still affirmed some people's faith in their little 'god(s)'.
I could spend hours on this one subject but I'll try to be as brief as possible. A good friend of ours essentially tried to confront a higher up in the church about what our friend perceived as sin and that backlashed into a huge firing and the killing of our youth group and band. The Tuesday after the mission trip I still remember calling all of the guys in the band and we were all confused and had not idea what the heck was going on.
The next day (Wednesday night) I gave the resignation letter of my friend to the youth group and resigned my position trying to encourage the youth to go somewhere else. It's funny because even though it's only been five years it feels like it has been a life time. I'll bump into some of the youth from time to time when I am in town...and it honestly it breaks my heart to see how some of them are doing. They haven't been able to find a place they can call home because of fears, doubt and the general mess of things.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that seeing the corruption in the church essentially killed this naivety I had about American Christendom. I use to think that stuff like CCM, Christian Book Stores, tacky concerts, street preaching, campaigning and the like were how the world was going to be changed...that Jesus was going to be so awesome and reach down and use these great ideas of ours to do this wonderful miracles but...it's so far from the truth that it is almost sad.
All these activities and programs are nothing more then hot air, static buzzing in the ear of God.
"GOD's Message: "Heaven's my throne, earth is my footstool. What sort of house could you build for me? What holiday spot reserve for me? I made all this! I own all this!" GOD's Decree. "But there is something I'm looking for: a person simple and plain, reverently responsive to what I say.
"Your acts of worship are acts of sin: Your sacrificial slaughter of the ox is no different from murdering the neighbor; Your offerings for worship, no different from dumping pig's blood on the altar; Your presentation of memorial gifts, no different from honoring a no-god idol. You choose self-serving worship, you delight in self-centered worship--disgusting! Well, I choose to expose your nonsense and let you realize your worst fears, Because when I invited you, you ignored me; when I spoke to you, you brushed me off. You did the very things I exposed as evil, you chose what I hate." "
-Isaiah 66:1-4
I think it's funny in a very sad way how the modern Church so perfectly parallels the nation of Israel from the Old Testament times. As a whole the American church is just as fat, just as spoiled, just as immature and just as apathetic. We get so caught up in how shiny and pretty our religion is and we forget the most important part...that there is a whole world we were meant to change...not by our stupid little Jesus pep rallies but by doing what Jesus did and getting in the mud and gutters of this world giving out love freely and pulling people out of the Hell they are living in...or something like that. It is not like this is some kind of exact science...that is where another one of my problems come in.
We go on and on about how we're the 'elect' and 'chosen ones' but forget that we are here for a reason. Israel was set up by God with the intention of being a light for the world...but instead they became drunk off their own religious awe and God destroyed their temple and nation over that.
Digressing...
Eventually I went to college, this story in and of itself could be another hundred pages but I'll try to be brief: "I was depressed and it sucked."
Christian education can bleed the gospel of life faster then anything else. This is coming from the guy who has a bachelor degree in Jesus and learned more from simply reading the Bible all the way through in high school, then in the majority of my theology classes, seriously. The most helpful college classes I had were my philosophy classes taught by the professor thrown out of the religion department for being to 'liberal'. At least in those I was taught to think critically and how to do a bit more then 'baaaah' like a good little sheep.
Christian education has good intentions but far to often gets caught up in PETTY and USELESS arguments that don't matter either in the short or long term. "Oh nos! Doctrinal purity! Orthodoxy or death! Systematic theology or the LIBERALS might kill us!"
Once again...those ideas are not bad by themselves but when they take precedence over 'knowing God and making God known', then something is amiss and believe me it is. Christians are not here to wage a culture war or bring heaven to earth. The basic gist if for us to learn how to love God and learn how to love each other through extreme trial and error. Bloody noses, fist fights, arguments and through the possible use of swear words (depending how you feel about those kind of things of course).
It's not pretty but it's authentic and real and my God the thought of actually being able to argue and treat other Christians as ACTUAL brothers and sisters makes me want to cry...actually fighting among one another but then learning how to live with one another...that's another way of looking at the gospel.
"In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you."
-Jesus, Matthew 5:48
Let's see...covered being called by ministry, shameless self promotion for bands (Woo! Go Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose, buy all of our non-existent albums!), covered college, what next? Ah...the present.
So then, what now?
I have no freaking clue.
Apparently I found out yesterday I'm starting back classes next week, if the school will be kind enough to accept the money.
I'm still dealing with not liking church or Christians. It's hard to be a minister and hate the church, true story I assure you.
To a certain degree I'm trying but not really trying. I'm applying broadly for certain churches to see if they will hire me and I've been trying to kick a struggling Bible study I've been hosting in the pants...but ultimately these things will not change the world.
To quote non other then the Protestant Pope, Bono himself:
"This morning I fell out of bed
when I woke up to what he had said.
Everything's crazy but I'm too lazy to lie.
And what am I to do
Just tell me what am I suppose to say
I can't change the world
But I can change the world in me
I Rejoice"
-U2, "Rejoice"
Crazy notion but I think it will work (the antidepressants help as well). I can't change the world, I'm far too weak willed to even change myself. What I can do however is determine to seek the Father while he can be found, to do the whole humbling myself so that He can be exalted in me thing. I hate how trite that sounds but it's the truth, believe me if there was a more obscure and confusing way to put it I would have.
Sometimes things are much more simple then we would care to admit, sometimes they are frighteningly simple.
Sometimes we just have to finally break down and let ourselves be loved.
"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father. "You didn't choose me, remember; I chose you, and put you in the world to bear fruit, fruit that won't spoil. As fruit bearers, whatever you ask the Father in relation to me, he gives you.
"But remember the root command: Love one another. "
-Jesus, John 15-17
** ** **
Ye gads if I have to do another COMPLETE revision of this stupid article I may just start setting random objects in my room on fire.
Day 10
"But you know all about it-- the contempt, the abuse. I dare to believe that the luckless will get lucky someday in you. You won't let them down: orphans won't be orphans forever."
-Psalm 10:14
It's been a while since I've read Your word and felt a bright hope and a connection like this. Just...hearing and knowing that it is okay to believe in your peace, your goodness, your forthcoming mercy and love...it's...actually reassuring.
Thank you for loving me in my worse times, thank you for taking a bastard child and giving me a home, giving me love and trying to give me a purpose. I still don't get it but thank you for trying and trying again and again. Thank you for your love Daddy, thank you for being my Awesome God and my personal love...so many things I can't even give to words.
I don't want to stop here, please do not let me stop here, never let me stop and help me to keep pressing forward into whatever future there is. While the day lasts help me to prepare for the onslaught of the darkness, help me to find the place where you would have me be and go be ready to go to that darkness.
Don't let me get to far ahead, pull me back as needed but please, I beg you, help me to be ready for where you would have me serve and love others.
Thank you for saving this heart, soul, mind and body with your.
Thank you Father.
-Psalm 10:14
It's been a while since I've read Your word and felt a bright hope and a connection like this. Just...hearing and knowing that it is okay to believe in your peace, your goodness, your forthcoming mercy and love...it's...actually reassuring.
Thank you for loving me in my worse times, thank you for taking a bastard child and giving me a home, giving me love and trying to give me a purpose. I still don't get it but thank you for trying and trying again and again. Thank you for your love Daddy, thank you for being my Awesome God and my personal love...so many things I can't even give to words.
I don't want to stop here, please do not let me stop here, never let me stop and help me to keep pressing forward into whatever future there is. While the day lasts help me to prepare for the onslaught of the darkness, help me to find the place where you would have me be and go be ready to go to that darkness.
Don't let me get to far ahead, pull me back as needed but please, I beg you, help me to be ready for where you would have me serve and love others.
Thank you for saving this heart, soul, mind and body with your.
Thank you Father.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Day 9
"You took over and set everything right; when I needed you, you were there, taking charge."
-Psalm 9:4
Everything seems to be speeding up, going faster and faster, so fast it seems like I have no clue what to do. Out of control...faster and more pressing...my days and night bleed into this one long burst of activity that makes no sense.
Perspective makes everything seem alright, like there is a deeper meaning and more order...you alone see where everything is going, the rights...the wrong...the perfections...the good and bad...everything is in your hands, everything you see and touch and move...thank you for keeping me along for the ride so far. Thank you for holding me close and not letting me slip off into the pure chaotic darkness.
Please hold my hand as we walk through this night together. The dawn isn't to far off...but I'm still scared and still not sure on which way to go. Please help me to recover and to be able to not just walk but run into the daylight. Be with me, be my guard, my love, my beginning and my end. Please help me to become yours and restored, thank you so much.
-Psalm 9:4
Everything seems to be speeding up, going faster and faster, so fast it seems like I have no clue what to do. Out of control...faster and more pressing...my days and night bleed into this one long burst of activity that makes no sense.
Perspective makes everything seem alright, like there is a deeper meaning and more order...you alone see where everything is going, the rights...the wrong...the perfections...the good and bad...everything is in your hands, everything you see and touch and move...thank you for keeping me along for the ride so far. Thank you for holding me close and not letting me slip off into the pure chaotic darkness.
Please hold my hand as we walk through this night together. The dawn isn't to far off...but I'm still scared and still not sure on which way to go. Please help me to recover and to be able to not just walk but run into the daylight. Be with me, be my guard, my love, my beginning and my end. Please help me to become yours and restored, thank you so much.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Day 8
I look up at your macro-skies, dark and enormous, your handmade sky-jewelry, Moon and stars mounted in their settings. Then I look at my micro-self and wonder, Why do you bother with us? Why take a second look our way? Yet we've so narrowly missed being gods, bright with Eden's dawn light.
-Psalm 8:3-5
I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.
I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.
I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.
I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.
Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.
I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.
-Psalm 8:3-5
I keep trying to think about this, about You and try and meditate with a mind full of drugs so that I can keep physical and mental pain away. I feel numb, disconnected from you. I would like so very badly to be closer to you, to be closer in our love, not separated by my willing ignorance and willing sin. I can boast about everything in the world but at the end of the day only you are good, only you are beautiful and wonderful.
I'm so tired Father, my soul feels so exhausted and I want to quit. I just want to cast aside the armor and sword and give up. I've struggled against you and fought to be my own person for so long that I honestly have trouble remembering the last time I heard from you, the last time we made a real connection.
I don't know if its the medication or my own stubborn pride but I would rather do ANYTHING but bow at your feet and acknowledge this world was your creation and that I am your son.
I know the perspective, I know what is supposed to be and what could be but bottom line I am so angry, so tired, so exhausted and in general just pissed off and confused. I have a lot of conflicting thoughts and desires and it makes life difficult.
Father, thank you for loving me even though I do not understand, even though I am confused and even though I am hurting so badly at times. I love you and need you, even especially now, because I want to hate you and I do not want you. I want your love just as much as I want to hate and despise you.
I need you so very much Father. I don't need the emotional high, the drugs of euphoric religion, I just need your love and this relationship to burn with an endless passion. I need you to help me love you and others, I need you to set my heart on fire so that I can love others. I need you to love through me because my black cancerous heart cannot. I need you, I love you and I need you so much more then I can understand.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Day 7
"Stand up, GOD; pit your holy fury against my furious enemies. Wake up, God. My accusers have packed the courtroom; it's judgment time.Take your place on the bench, reach for your gavel, throw out the false charges against me. I'm ready, confident in your verdict: "Innocent." "
-Psalm 7:7-8
Innocent.
That is a word I normally do not reserve for myself...just to take a tiny walk through the vocubalry I do tend to use...
"Hypocrite, jerk, bastard, liar, thief, adulterer, evil, uncaring, selfish, dumb, confused, sleepy, uncaring, mean, short sighted and...well you get the idea."
Bad words, words meaning that I am less then human, that I do not deserve your love and that I am nothing less then the most vile and horrible evil thing in your creation.
But at the end my words will mean nothing next to yours. I mean that in humbleness, not in an attempt to crucify myself. I have been cleansed and washed by the sacrifice of Jesus, a literal death and resurrection that paid for me. You died for me.
In all sincerity, thank you. With all the words I throw around, all the cliches I spout, thank you for picking me up out of the Hell I was bound for and thank you for setting me up on a firm rock. Things are not perfect but I want to rest in your hands, regardless of the end.
Wherever we go I want to be yours and yours alone. I love you, I need you.
-Psalm 7:7-8
Innocent.
That is a word I normally do not reserve for myself...just to take a tiny walk through the vocubalry I do tend to use...
"Hypocrite, jerk, bastard, liar, thief, adulterer, evil, uncaring, selfish, dumb, confused, sleepy, uncaring, mean, short sighted and...well you get the idea."
Bad words, words meaning that I am less then human, that I do not deserve your love and that I am nothing less then the most vile and horrible evil thing in your creation.
But at the end my words will mean nothing next to yours. I mean that in humbleness, not in an attempt to crucify myself. I have been cleansed and washed by the sacrifice of Jesus, a literal death and resurrection that paid for me. You died for me.
In all sincerity, thank you. With all the words I throw around, all the cliches I spout, thank you for picking me up out of the Hell I was bound for and thank you for setting me up on a firm rock. Things are not perfect but I want to rest in your hands, regardless of the end.
Wherever we go I want to be yours and yours alone. I love you, I need you.
Words and Again
Some things I just should have expected
other things I knew very well about.
Your word?
The trust?
Negotiationable fallacies lacking grace.
The words you say can almost take flight
and ride upon the winds of fate,
quite noble in your pursuits.
I'm at a loss for words while you are lost over you.
Melodic notes, striking chords and the rest fill empty air,
the reassuring thoughts of silence only act to remind me
again and again of that which I seek to loose.
Choosing thought, loosing sight with all the repetitions in vain.
Attempting to close doors on this part of my mind doesn't work.
Regardless of my attempt both you and the problem remain.
Repetition again and again.
The words remain the same.
I loose myself in soundless remixes of thought,
just so I can pause to reflect on the thought.
I'm not sure on this reflective thought or the consequence it follows.
Repetition again and again.
Words wrap and following in themselves.
I tried to find the way in its own self but I found nothing,
nothing but the same empty room that this began in.
The light doesn't enter such a place,
it curves and bends shape to avoid the confrontation.
The ever desperate attempt at life does nothing but this,
this false imitation of itself,
just whatever and ever it even means in the beginning and end.
I don't know.
It may just be words speaking for themselves,
words wastering, killing, wondering, dying and being this.
It may be this or it could be that.
I do not know the words I am trying to say,
just that they are themselves.
Words repetitious and superstitious.
Words themselves.
Words representing and living.
Roaring flames desperately alive.
Benin only in their incompleteness,
alive only in their self.
other things I knew very well about.
Your word?
The trust?
Negotiationable fallacies lacking grace.
The words you say can almost take flight
and ride upon the winds of fate,
quite noble in your pursuits.
I'm at a loss for words while you are lost over you.
Melodic notes, striking chords and the rest fill empty air,
the reassuring thoughts of silence only act to remind me
again and again of that which I seek to loose.
Choosing thought, loosing sight with all the repetitions in vain.
Attempting to close doors on this part of my mind doesn't work.
Regardless of my attempt both you and the problem remain.
Repetition again and again.
The words remain the same.
I loose myself in soundless remixes of thought,
just so I can pause to reflect on the thought.
I'm not sure on this reflective thought or the consequence it follows.
Repetition again and again.
Words wrap and following in themselves.
I tried to find the way in its own self but I found nothing,
nothing but the same empty room that this began in.
The light doesn't enter such a place,
it curves and bends shape to avoid the confrontation.
The ever desperate attempt at life does nothing but this,
this false imitation of itself,
just whatever and ever it even means in the beginning and end.
I don't know.
It may just be words speaking for themselves,
words wastering, killing, wondering, dying and being this.
It may be this or it could be that.
I do not know the words I am trying to say,
just that they are themselves.
Words repetitious and superstitious.
Words themselves.
Words representing and living.
Roaring flames desperately alive.
Benin only in their incompleteness,
alive only in their self.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Book Overviews
Novel 1 - Apocalypse Forthcoming!
A somewhat irreverent comedic romp concerning the end of the world. Nathan Peterson is your slightly above average college student who is trying to figure out just what it is he is doing in life...and then destiny throws an Armageddon sized curve ball his way. Setting off across country with a more then slight ragtag group of friends and misfits.
Jermius - Life long best friend of Nathan who discover innate powers to manipulate the world around him.
Angelica - A Guardian, divine beings set in charge of preventing to the end, who is assigned to aide Nathan in his quest.
Todd Manning - A man who does not understand subtly and has more arrogance then skill. He is sent as a representative of a mysterious group who may aid Nathan.
Jillian - A lady who works at local coffee shop that Nathan has had a long term crush on. By an ironic jest of fate she is also a chosen one.
Douglas - A friend who awakes Nathan in the middle night, claiming that he has had a vision concerning the end.
Nihilism R' Us - A philanthropically, philosophically and social conscious band that have no idea what they believe but end up helping the heroes.
Will they prevent the end or just end up making it worse?
Novel 2 - Service With A Smile
Nelvin is a vastly introverted individual who works for a large company in the sales department. He hates his job and does not mesh well with his coworkers. To make matters worse he has been visited by those he refers to as 'the shadows' ever since he was a child.
What are these hallucinations? Are they real or just the product of a sick mind? What does it take to move one man from the confines of comforting misery to living life?
A somewhat irreverent comedic romp concerning the end of the world. Nathan Peterson is your slightly above average college student who is trying to figure out just what it is he is doing in life...and then destiny throws an Armageddon sized curve ball his way. Setting off across country with a more then slight ragtag group of friends and misfits.
Jermius - Life long best friend of Nathan who discover innate powers to manipulate the world around him.
Angelica - A Guardian, divine beings set in charge of preventing to the end, who is assigned to aide Nathan in his quest.
Todd Manning - A man who does not understand subtly and has more arrogance then skill. He is sent as a representative of a mysterious group who may aid Nathan.
Jillian - A lady who works at local coffee shop that Nathan has had a long term crush on. By an ironic jest of fate she is also a chosen one.
Douglas - A friend who awakes Nathan in the middle night, claiming that he has had a vision concerning the end.
Nihilism R' Us - A philanthropically, philosophically and social conscious band that have no idea what they believe but end up helping the heroes.
Will they prevent the end or just end up making it worse?
Novel 2 - Service With A Smile
Nelvin is a vastly introverted individual who works for a large company in the sales department. He hates his job and does not mesh well with his coworkers. To make matters worse he has been visited by those he refers to as 'the shadows' ever since he was a child.
What are these hallucinations? Are they real or just the product of a sick mind? What does it take to move one man from the confines of comforting misery to living life?
Personal Upgrade
Broken or not, things are not the same.
To over analyze is almost as bad
as having to hear the thoughts,
the breathing on my neck or the proselytizing.
It's not like I can't make up my own mind
or I am somehow unable to think for myself.
It's not like you are somehow more
or somehow the next better version of me.
Really it's just okay to know you,
really you might be more then alright
but definitely maybe not better then most.
The looks you give make my stomach curl
and you never know what is left much less right.
So please keep still your heart and voice,
just long enough for my head to stop
pounding.
To over analyze is almost as bad
as having to hear the thoughts,
the breathing on my neck or the proselytizing.
It's not like I can't make up my own mind
or I am somehow unable to think for myself.
It's not like you are somehow more
or somehow the next better version of me.
Really it's just okay to know you,
really you might be more then alright
but definitely maybe not better then most.
The looks you give make my stomach curl
and you never know what is left much less right.
So please keep still your heart and voice,
just long enough for my head to stop
pounding.
Day 6
"Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak. Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. I am sick at heart. How long, O Lord, until you restore me?"
-Psalm 6:2-3
I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!
Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.
I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?
Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.
You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.
-Psalm 6:2-3
I have no clue what is going on inside me. Right now I feel a combination of nausea, medicated tiredness and burning inside me...oh and my hands started to freaking tremble...Hoozah!
Bottom line, I am going to live and I am going to die. I can't get around either of those things, however to a degree I can control what happens in the in between...but I do not want to chase this fool's paradise, this fool's gold of a life I have tried to live before.
I'm not completely aimless and adrift but I feel like I am a couple feet away from it. Why has it been so long since I have felt you were near? Where have you been most of my life? How can I be running so blind and so ignorant? How much of it is my sin blocking me from feeling you and how much of it is you turning away?
Can we have a fresh start my love? Can we begin anew and you accept me and all of my internal strife? Can you accepted this scarred soul and broken spirit? If this isn't broken I do not know what is...I could just keep running but I know you will win. I can keep fighting but for nothing.
You win, you have won, you have been winning. I don't know what to say except please have mercy on my broken self. Have mercy on this sick body and please help me find some relief from the pain. Please draw me close and watch over me, please remmeber me, please love me despite myself.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Traverse Dirt
My soul is dirty,
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.
Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.
The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.
The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.
A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.
Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.
Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?
just like this mouth full of trash I ate,
this smelling garbage festers.
Finding hold within, inside with all due contrived statements.
There isn't room for debate
or much to say as the song castrates itself
over the sicking bass.
Every dying wish over this pain,
all the half baked theories
fall apart and sink in this drain,
this livid gutter of broken promise,
as the perceived mercy kills itself.
The lungs contract and fight for air
as it sucks in the pollution
and sky glows in dark hues of orange and
batter crimson cancer.
The news is that it is old,
metaphor piled on top of metaphor,
laying with each other in tattered piles.
It can contrive itself.
It can build itself.
It can find itself, as lost within as without.
A festering mass of vermin,
it is well.
A growing sense of vertigo,
it is well.
Deep breaths followed by contrived statements.
It is well.
Flittering with a flutter these thoughts descend
like hordes of scavenging flies
malice in their festering thoughts.
Optimism doth rot when left by itself,
if not for hope what would there be in and within itself?
Day 5
"Listen, God! Please, pay attention! Can you make sense of these ramblings, my groans and cries? King-God, I need your help."
-Psalm 5:1
I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.
Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.
There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.
Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.
I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.
I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.
Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.
-Psalm 5:1
I know things are not as bad as they seem and for all rights and purposes things are good. Except, inside things do not seem or feel alright. Whether it is panicky thought, feeling sick, or anything else...something is amiss and I want things to be right.
Please help me find the right way of doing things. To clarify on that thought, please help me to keep things in balance and to not treat everything as being so dramatic and life or death.
There is a boiling over of my emotions that i am trying to hold back. Only you can really make sense of my half prayers, my profanity laced rants and the low sounds my soul is making from within this body.
Only you make sense and can make sense of this, I feel so much pressure...some of it real and some of it I am sure is non-existent. Honestly I am having trouble telling the difference between then two.
I almost feel like I have had a full history of this depression and anxiety stuff without even realizing it most of the time. Just an overwhelming amount of dread, fear, paranoia...I could go on but its only a partial list really but all the same it is a list I have lived my life by for so long.
I just...I guess bottom line I wish I didn't feel like such a rotten person. People are willing to tell me I'm a good person and point out the qualities I have which make me a good person...but I guess because of a deep need of acceptance in addition to there being just a few people I wish I could hear that from...but for whatever reasons it can't come from their lips...and so I am here not having a clue as to the whats or whys.
Just this transient thought I am casting out to my eternal Love and to the wind and whatever direction it may be blown.
Okay...as to why I'm irrationally freaking out...there is no reason...it is a phone call and phones do not bite...I am in actual pain so there is no need to freak and go batty. Anyone who does not understand is crazier then me anyways so ultimately everything will be okay.
And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.
And a phone call later...nope wasn't bitten by the phone.
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