Jesus, uncommon doubt followed by uncommon ways.

I miss...so much of you.

Please don't leave me here. Take me where you will, just don't leave me here.

I can't live with or without you.

Just take it away...this burden is to much because I am to selfish to leave myself behind and follow you. I trapped under a mountain of pain, guilt, doubt, self hate, self loathing...because I'm disobedient and cannot abandon this all to follow you. I have turned a deaf ear for so long that I hear nothing but my own doubt. Hell cannot be worse then realizing you are deaf to the only one you want to even love.

I feel sick in the mind for realizing this but not being able to do more about ti, to be able to do another thing about it...to be able to breath about it, to feel it, take it in, absorb it, live it, carry it and make things really it.

God I miss the closeness you used to be, the love I used to feel, the order, the symmetry. Please don't let this continue on much longer.

I can't stand this...please don't make me go on.

It is not enough to just be enamored with the thought of you...what is the point if there is no closure...no moving a step into you...being captured by that love and by your very life?

I want to run, I want to hide. I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside.

I'm sick of the weakness in me that acts like a cancer, slowly eating at my soul, chewing on me, devouring the parts of me that retain sanity.

Could you help me to loose this part about me, forget the parts I make matter about me? Rip me out of my setting and place me in your own?

I'm forced into a corner and have to ask what is the point of this all...so few things of importance are accomplished day in and day out...this week has been a testament to my personal deprave hate of love and order...my repeated embracing of self depreciating hate.

You could give me the whole world, satisfy and remove every painful desire...and so what? What then? What would it all be? What is the worth? What is the meaning?

Every ending note, every reverberating scream, every screech of a sour plea...what is it worth? What does any of it mean in you economy? It all revolving around your master plan of dissonance?

I want to do more then scream, I want to rip this skin and bone apart and show the broken soul beneath. The sky above and to the ground below nothing can encompass the rage of an oft forgotten persona.

Masks are our options, we beat them and break them and begin to twist all of them to our need and desire. You? What of it? What revolves around such meaningless self propagated pompous lies?

Oh Lord please don't forget to bless me while I misuse your word and lead the sheep astray. Don't forget me while I stab you in the back and spit upon your face. Don't neglect my health while I whore out the gifts you gave me in the name of self indulgence and hate. Let us not neglect our sacred love as we waste the essence of our life on meaningless and trivial garbage that we like to call 'worship' and 'adoration'.

If there was ever a time to spit this filth from your mouth, there is no day like today.

I hate pills...they make me feel way to funky and weird.



Bleh.

The words I want to say I want to scream them out.

So many things push their way out of meaning and purpose...so many thoughts render themselves useless.

God I am so freaking sick of this all.

Love Rescue Me

Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me

Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me

-U2, "Love Rescue Me"

I sometimes feel like I'm Holden Caulfield,
sometimes Jack Kerouac.
I wanted to be famous,
now I want to take it back.
Don't want to rock the mic,
don't want to meet the pope,
I just want to share with you,
how we got this peace and hope.

I once wanted to be famous,
now I want to take it back.

-Five Iron Frenzy, "Superpowers"

Holden Caulfield, you are my hero.

I've lost the feeling...yeah lost the reason.
It's floating above and being lost behind
Faltered at seeing and believing.

Things aren't the same as before
As they never will.
Never could, would they?
Lips sealed shut with regret

Thank you for not turning your back on me...I need help to be able to keep hanging on...much less if I am ever going to claw my way back up there. You know?

So yeah...hey.

Nothing new to report...some strong possible leads on an apartment...the only real concern is money and day to day survival...nothing extraordinary I suppose.

I would like to go for sure but there is starting to creep in some doubts. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to walk forward and move with a purpose.

I miss how close we have been, even yesterday was something real...now I feel doubts as much as I feel the waves of nausea course through me. I wish throwing up would bring real results, would allow me to.

I need something more real then this...how can I actually get back into it all?

This doesn't feel real, right or the way to go. It seems impossible people are able to go this way their whole live when every moment of every day is going by faster and faster...eating away their existence.

Biological and spiritual lives entwined...

You know, just thinking about how I said that so casually and with so little real intent makes the bile rise up in my throat.

Being a hypocrite never seemed so easy or just looked so damned sexy.

I'm exhausted yet I cannot sleep.

These thoughts refuse to leave my mind.

Could you please consider giving me some relief?

Sometime? Anything? Possibly?

Now is supposed to be the best time? Then how come it is far from that?

How do I seize something that is not there?

It frustrates me that I run screaming from the thing that which I desire more.

Please help me out here.

Love is so hard. I struggle with wanting to hate it and wanting to run away from it.

The last thing I desire is you or your love, I wish i could just hide under the rocks and keep away from yoru perfection and from your creation.

It hurts to much.

I don't want to come off as sounding selfish,a jerk or ungrateful but Jesus, would you mind helping me not feel like death frozen over and then thawed out? Please?

Just a Moment, Really

Where would I be without you and hyperbole?
The exaggeration I need to soothe my soul.
Pretending like all is well
Generating a plastic smile
Molding out your perfect life

It's every small thing
Bringing me back
It's every little thing
Ringing in my ears

If time were your friend
we wouldn't see the cracks
Hear the bones snap
Watching you break your back
As you carry out the act of a life

Seeing you live life so well
Pouring out a plastic smile
Molding out every perfect little lie

If I wasn't so sure it was hate
I would begin to think I love you
Just as much as I stare into me
While dreaming of Narcissa
Didn't you know love was true?
That you only needed open the gate
Free your heart and let it be?

When I think of you are and where I am there is the rising taste of bile in my mouth. So little matters.

Only you.

Morning Soul Rush

The deepest platitudes run empty
As they crash in waves upon distant shores
Trite in sight in sound and day
They proceed hollow voices crying
That ask upon themselves simply more

Sweetest sunlight rays softly fly
Fleeing sources as they die

Steadily consistently inconsistent structure flaws
Abide and abode
Produce razor sharp wit that sinks its claws
Inside and out

Inside or out
Live or die
Process reprocessed
Time reflected in shadow
The walls


** ** **

I could never be arrogant enough to suggest that it is just the world that has problems...the world is merely a mixture of organic life with the decayed old...it is myself that possess the ability to make choices that will govern the destiny of those around. It is the self that contains all of the salvation and hatred that spills into the world.

Every beaten breath, every life scathed by the falling rain can be seen within and without. Every being, every one, everything...everything retains a purpose greater then that which we will or can understand. Ambiguous in mystery, powerful in taste...strengthening personal resolve.

There is will, there is more, there is something deeper in and all.

The deeper problems in me are what will lead to the greater destruction without. White washed tombs offer no salvation...offer no hope. The death inside must slowly and painfully be removed piece by piece. With out the hope there is no life.

Distance is More

Our distance is the everything
We don't know what could be
But by dark light
Luminous times
We move in sync
One tempo
One love
Day by day
Night in night
We take that step closer
Love

To You

Grey Clouds.
Hazy Rain.
Distant Melancholia.

The desire to tell you everything else,
the thoughts working in my mind
that have been my whole life.

Nothing you say has meaning
Outside of the lies
The broken promise of yesteryear
The feeling inside your mind
Exposed in broken tubes
Spilling red fires

I wish I could say good bye to saying goodbye
But your memory never leaves me
It haunts my dreams and my waking breath
That you are ever a part of me
But That i was just a part of you

On and on in dreams
Ever will never be
On and on in dreams
Love can't always see
To light the path
To always be

Pigs and Pearls

Throwing pearls to swine, stomping and eating the trash you vomit.
God save me from this Hell I'm in.
The stench, the sweat, the pain

Swine eating
Swine spinning
Swine defecating
Vomit and reject,
Hate the world within

The lie we spin so we sleep at night
Coupled with fire we burn within
Stoked by our ego
Kept by fading youth
Malicious we grin
As we feast on our kin

Pearls to swine
Nothing left to loose
Every game we played we played for you
Every knife in every back
The knots we twist into lies
The rotten stench of death
Breeding the swarming flies

I think it is safe to say that I have never felt this way before...this level of oddness...being so tired and unable to sleep....this desire to run away from it all.

It builds up after a while and I just wish I could get away from everything and everyone. I feel suffocated and unable to breath.

It does matter and with that thought I wish a certain few would listen or maybe just open their eyes long enough to see outside of themselves. Including myself.

I would ask why am I so stupid but I think we already know that answer. I don't suppose You could offer a little help right about now? Guidance too?

God, why am I such an idiot?