"my soul is so afraid to realize
how very little bit is left of me"

At what point did the Bible stop getting treated as a historical document?
Dealing with the abuse of criticism and the sheer presumptuous arrogance of some is quite an irritant.

Quote of the Day, The Second Part:

“Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds”
-Douglas Adams

*sigh*

I am an idiot.

...trying to be positive...

A Pause for Breath

Is it March?
Really?
When did that happen?

I am having trouble with wrapping my mind around the fact that I am already over halfway done with this first semester back working on my masters. Much less the fact it is in Mobile and at the University of Mobile.

Throw in the fact I'm currently typing away at my friend's kitchen table in Chicago after another great night of gaming and I'm not sure what to think.

The past year has been a blur of attempting to find resolutions and answers popping up from the most unexpected places. For every negative, every pain I have been through...there has been this unexpected beauty and sweetness on the other side. For one who talks (too much) about the wonders of the divine...I tend to be one much too quick to pass judgment and be negative...but oh how I have been blessed...in such unexpected and wonderful ways.

I'm baffled that I have met so many new people in such a short time and have grown closer to a handful of people who are more dear to me than life itself. To be honest...I'm shocked life is turning out so wonderful...so much more than I could have asked for or wanted.

Even with the daily struggles with pain and health...the good outweighs the bad. If it something I have to deal with, so be it. At least I have better health than what it could be. I hate how so many words of complain pass through my lips...sure I am human but still...

And the possibilities offered at Wheaton.
Goodness.
The fact they have had graduates from their Masters program actually go off to Oxford, Cambridge and Duke.
I know it's such a far shot...but what I would give for a chance to actually study abroad and actually attempt to make an impact in lands I have never seen before.

Is it pride?
False humility?
Just the key to my disorders?

I feel compelled...the need to serve and show love.
My life hasn't always been about living the love of Christ...but it is the only thing I sincerely want. I am horrible at personal relationships and coping with pain...but at least I just want this somewhat useless life useful and a chance for others to see how unique and beloved they are.

It's a leap...it's a bound outside the realm of logic that not everyone can handle...but love itself is a paradox that should have never existed...

But here we are...we didn't ask for this but we have the responsibility to live it out while we are here.
I didn't ask for it...for any of this but the beauty overwhelms the horror offered by life...in every way.

Far from being ideal...the pain is more beautiful than any cheap concoction of good I could have created on my own. I want to live through the pain...live and see what is to come...see the beauty and smile because this is only a beginning.

Quote of the Day:

"Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required."
-Blaise Pascal

It was so stupid of me to even bother trying that.
Ack.
When will I learn?

Getting to be so tired.
Ack.
Sleepy.

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands, Deadlands...woo!

So much need...so much hurt...where can the healing come from?
Why must you feel so far away?
How can...in what manner may I serve?
To bring the chance for hope and peace for these?

Too many thoughts and too little means of dissimulation...

Fifteen hours of sleep later I am feeling a touch better.

Quote of the Day:

"Christianity is strange: it requires human beings to recognize that they are vile and even abominable, and requires them to want to be like God. Without such a counterweight this elevation would make them execrably vain, or this abasement execrably despicable."
-Blaise Pascal

...

"Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

"Love Rescue Me" - U2

Maybe one day this side of eternity I won't hurt so badly.

How much of this is sincerity and how much preconditioned rambling nonsense I am spouting like a parrot speaking of Homer?

Where is this salvation I claim?
At what point does sincerity overcome my selfishness?

"Despite our selfish selves,
despite all loss of hope,
despite our lack of faith,
despite our stony hearts,
despite the waning moon,
despite the ebbing tide of how we think this world should be.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,
praise Him all creatures here below,
praise Him above ye heavenly host,
praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Gray rainy day, down in the mud for us.
Don't feel I can sing,
songs to the God in control of the seasons.
But what's good and bad,
flow from the hands,
of the God with the perfect plan.
Filling us with joy, all of this will glorify."

Hope is something I must fight for in order for it to endure.
My faith is so weak...the smallest pain and change in my plan makes me loose courage and seek to find pity and some means of diverting myself from this life.

Quote of the Day:

"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining."
— Anne Lamott

So many thoughts for so late an hour...so many considerations and so many things.
God...why do I dig holes like this?
I feel...I feel...
The things...the thoughts...the...every...thing...

My soul is rather sad. =/

I...I'm missing...something...

So excited about the potential of Wheaton...

"Where does the misunderstanding come from,
demanding that we be outstanding and then some?
Perfection never was a requirement
although some might say we desired it.
So then for times when things get old I might get cynical
I see that I don't see.
Do they see you when they see me?

In honesty there's room for improvement
Thoughts may change, the truth be told,
A closed mind will leave you empty
Use your mind to use your soul.

Alert the press, their dogmas are a mess,
Opinions shift, a broken sift, an empty hand,
And billboards ask, 'where do they stand.'
Do all streams lead to one sea?"

Quote of the Day:

"Beware you are not a fiery, persecuting enthusiast. Do not imagine that God has called you...to destroy men’s lives, and not to save them. Never dream of forcing men into the ways of God. Think yourself, and let think. Use no constraint in matters of religion. Even those who are farthest out of the way never compel to come in by any other means than reason, truth, and love."
-John Wesley

Reckless pursuit of God.
Abandonment of all...things, others and most importantly of self.
To the point of discomfort and even destruction.
We exist in duality and only through the Divine intervention can we continue and if we do abandon everything...we will be destroyed but not before our time.

And not as needless martyrs but as ones given over to fervent love...the only thing that can change the world in a positive manner.

I need the influence of others who feels this way...that by giving over to this 'insanity' that it is the best way. I'm tired of being around halfhearted Christians...we're all going to die and this body is going to be destroyed before it is made perfect...so why even try to deny and delay the inevitable?

I need to know others like this...ideally be around them...I'm not entirely sure they exsist but I will find them as needed.

Comfort is a luxury I cannot afford.

Companionship is only a luxury, if Jesus was abandoned, forsaken and despised for following will of His Father, under what pretense and delusion do I keep that I will not be treated the same for following my convictions to their utter end?

Being perfect is a state of being impossible for a broken and fallen human being...but it is still something I strive for, I fight for...and ultimately something something I will end up dying for...such fatal thinking.

Quote of the Day:

"Our tendency in the midst of suffering is to turn on God. To get angry and bitter and shake our fist at the sky and say, "God, you don't know what it's like! You don't understand! You have no idea what I'm going through. You don't have a clue how much this hurts."

The cross is God's way of taking away all of our accusations, excuses, and arguments.

The cross is God taking on flesh and blood and saying, "Me too.""
— Rob Bell

Ack!
Can't focus on paper >_<


Oie.

It's amazing how Law and Order: SVU manages to pry and and almost remove what little faith I still have in human beings.

I feel the faintest trace of what it will be like to rest in my Lover's arms once this battle is over and all is said and done.

No more tears, no more aches, no more fear, no more anxiety...everything will be replaced with love and peace eternal.

The tears will be wiped away and the self destruction within will be removed.

Such an awesome, infinite, terrifying but wonderful...love, perfect love that baptizes and heals the soul.

So enigmatic and beyond words...it feels my praise are so insufficient that they may be curses...

I just want to see this, see this with you, see our Love together so that I will no longer be bound by bad health and this failing spirit and we can walk together throughout the ebbs and tides of eternity.

Yes.
Yes it does actually.
=)

"But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around"

Oie my heard hurts.

...I just realized it was March.

Quote of the Day:

"Moral #1:If you work hard, stay focused, and never give up, you will eventually get what you want in life.
Moral #2: Sometimes the things we want most in life are the things that will kill us. "
—Donald Miller

You know...I wish I had my toothbrush and that my throat wasn't hurting.
Other then that...I only have a few dozen other things I could complain about...so really...I am not doing so bad this morning.

I'm breathing, I'm alive...there is snow out the window.
I have...some hope.
It hasn't died yet, it keeps fighting to stay with me.
Funny little thing.

You know...being sick and getting sick constantly is really an irritation to me.
I really shouldn't be here...I should just be somewhere I can go to defuse...because I am really on edge.
No sleep and I'm in a significant amount of pain.
Why do I always get myself into these situation again and again?
Things will snowball like they almost always do.
Or they will utterly defuse and my faith will be shown as the small and worthless creature it is.

Oh life.

Still going strong with Deadlands...maybe a few more hours of gaming.

Why must there be so many things around me that are...pain and hurting...but that I can do nothing about?
I just want...to help.

Oh I am excited about getting to play Deadlands tonight with the group in person for the first time since New Years! Hooray! ^_^
No more staticy skype calls for at least two weeks!

Migraine, day two...or is it three?
I'm not sure which.
But do your worse.

Quote of the Day:

“If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin, and in the end, despair.”
-C.S. Lewis

I worry so much about the imaginary...I wish letting go of everything was that easy.

The funny thing about people is that we DON'T let go of something...even if it is unhealthy...we have to be forced to let go...the type of person who willingly moves on from the unhealthy is perhaps the rarest types amongst all people.

It is only by loosing everything we hold dear...that keeps up placated and in one place...only by loosing it all can we be free to see who we really are, free to become what we are meant to be.

Things...only blind and hold back.
People it seems too.

353

I don't quite understand why my body works so hard against me...but I have...some hope here and there...

Who am I kidding?

My only hope is Christ and that this shell and soul will be redeemed...that this age will pass away soon...and the next will bring peace...will bring hope.
That is all I have.
Oh come quickly.
Let this heart not worry,
let this soul find rest
even in this world of chaos
and the pain ripping through me.
My body and soul needing rest
but not finding it...
Let there be a measure of relief,
just carry me through this night
love me Lover.