...did i just wake up?

Quite obviously that was stupid...but what is done is done...it is not like I can find any sort of solace these days anyway.

Poetically Portly Poetry

Dichotomy

Split into partitions we wait,
time making fools of us
just as the sand is passing by
drawing life's breath to abate.

Redundantly the lines cross
falling out of space
just as it is out of time
removing abstracts
and stranding you
with the concrete.

It is the mechanics,
the gears twisting
as the servos click and turn
making this circular madness
into something all too real,
too caustic for emotion
but unavoidable
because of bare flesh.

Wasting away
as only this one can,
just hold out for the night
and pray the resolution
is less a revolution
and just a little something
with more peace,
where the night may end
after the day has passed.
And all that will ever be may be
and the day may pass
into the dark reaches of peace.

Oie...time for a job interview... >_<

Here goes everything and nothing!

Huzzah!

Well esteemed...

Quote of the Day:

"They shall have stars at elbow and foot/ Though they go mad they shall be sane/ Though they sink through the sea they shall rise again/ Though lovers be lost love shall not/ And death shall have no dominion."
-Dylan Thomas

"But what wisdom is there within us
To live based on the feeling of our hearts
How many times has instinct let us down
Never to be thought through
Never to be questioned
Say what you really mean
When your ambition calls you
For what use is there in praying
If you will only hear what you want to hear?"

It is morning.

Yes.

It is.

Being around a group of people...being able to connect...to be a center of attention and make people laugh...almost never do I feel more alive and afterward never do I feel so empty and certain of my own futility and irrelevance.

At least I found out the cafeteria is open until midnight these days and the calzone I ate was flipping awesome.

It is so utterly bizarre to have a study group in my room right now. O_O
There shouldn't be THIS many people here...it is...

...strange.

Yes.

"The sunlight is fading,
the longest shadows have been cast.
Like songs from a siren,
hurricanes from the past.
And I am a failure,
defeated every time,
so let me lie here,
a sidewalk for a shrine.

I am so lonely,
they say you were lonely too.
dear God be my savior,
I wait for you."

I am sure it is merely my vanity of vanities that seeks to find resonance between the life of Kierkegaard and myself...but surely the parallels are not just the blossoms of my overactive imagination.

Quote of the Day:

“I seem forsaken and alone, / I hear the lion roar; / And every door is shut but one, / And that is Mercy's door.”
-William Cowper

Oh thundering rain...fall down and wash away...wash away this headache and confusing state of being.

I really do not like...

I am feeling so...worn out with life...and just hearing the same words and phrases again and again.

After a while the words start to loose their meaning.

It could be about Jesus or sex.

I'm just sick of words loosing their meaning and me having to hear it...again and again. Something sacred should be treated as thus...and it's just so irritating to hear the same words...again and again.

Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
Stupid!
STUPID!

I'm feeling lost in this...lost here and being within the boundaries of love and falling in and out because of You.
Chasing...running...falling again and again.
Just to find the answer...here and there...
...there and here.
Is it really coloring outside the lines
if it means getting lost in You?

I forgot that I was ahead about being behind when I quit.
Just needed to jot that down somewhere for future reference.

So tired...so much pain...so alone... =/

And now...a migraine.

Jesus...seriously?

Did I do something to make this the weekend from Hell?

Free to Run, Free to Feel, Free to See

You know...I'm not even sure what I would have done if things would have worked out 'perfectly'.

More than likely just panic, freak out and screw things up like I normally do.

Providence rarely makes sense from a finite perspective.

But there is the need to hope that...all of this will be okay...


I long to see fields of flowers
and feel the warm breeze on my face.
I remember when we were kids,
free to run through woods
and to play carefree.

Time was just a friend,
the seconds ticking away
until we could play
and imagine a new life
free of all pain.

Adventures anew
with every day
and I just long
to feel the freedom
that comes with faith
and belief in friends.

I just wish I could see you
and know it wasn't just dreams
conducting me on this path
but the words are so true
even when my faith is weak
and I need to be healed.

I just want to take you by the hand
and show you this childhood memory.
Tales of dragons and elves,
of good winning over evil
and the hope that this make believe
can one day be true.

Senseless frustration because I cannot let go and simply just adapt to the changing streams of life.

Being able to do everything except what I feel I want to do the most is perhaps the single most frustrating thing I have felt in recent memory.

Outside of the whole feeling like death thing.

That is slightly irksome.

"I Surrender All" - Newsboys

"When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of Glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride

See from his head, his hands, his feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did ever such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live
O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
All who gather here by grace draw near and bless
Your name

Were the whole realm of nature mine
That were an offering far too small
Love so amazing, so divine
Demands my soul, my life, my all"

I know it is wrong to despair...but I am hurting so badly right now.
My body hates me and vice versa...

This reminds me so much of China...incredible pain and feeling so far away from everything and everyone...

Father help me to speak praises instead of curses, I want to scream until my throat goes numb and I can pass out from the pain...I don't understand why I have to hurt so much...it just feels like fire is inside my body burning me.

Please give me some measure of relief?
I understand me being alone...I'm accepting that...but do I have to suffer in my body as well? My spirit is broken and the shell it resides in is just a few steps away...

Carpenter, what is it you want of me?

"Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable"

What a lucky jerk.

And I think I have food poisoning.

Why is it the smallest gestures of kindness make me want to burst out crying?
I wish I wasn't so prone to deep emotions...

Quote of the Day:

“May I kiss you then? On this miserable paper? I might as well open the window and kiss the night air.”
-Franz Kafka

"I’m languorously open-ended and the ending’s no good
I’ve been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball

Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I’m ready to burn
At war within myself and self is winning the fight
Because feeling like no one at all means feeling alright

Sense of purpose has got me feeling worthless
And I’m fading away, but that’s okay"

...and again.

...I absolutely hate these moments of feeling like a stupid little kid again...

Mea Maxima Culpa

Empty veins running dry
just filled with remnants
of bare faced contempt.

Light playing tricks
as shadows dart across
and the sun fades,
light all at a loss.

Hope, that insufferable
and impossible state of becoming
blossoms through these scales,
sin incapable of stopping.

...the question I have to ask...is how serious are you being?
What is...this?
Is that what you really want?
Everything in life has been building up for...and THIS is it?

Megalomania is the life for me.

Quote of the Day:

“Peace if possible, truth at all costs.”
-Martin Luther

Unraveling and falling so hard...

I can't decide if I am trying to be realistic or I am just giving into cynicism in order to protect myself from the inevitable pain of living.

To live is to hurt...to act is to bring pain...but there is still beauty and wonder...even at the lowest levels of human misery...things we never would have known or seen unless we fell from such a great height and suffered in such a manner that only serves to point back to the cross.

I can wish...and hope for Love to win...to save the day.

But the test is one of endurance...how long can I go on while feeling as though all I hold dear is an infinite number of lifetimes away?

"Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World,
burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
only You can make every new day seem so new."

I'm trying not to hate me most of all...but...Lord I do not see what You see...what do You see in me?

Blithering Waste of Space

...why do some people depend on me?
I would rather just...hide than have to touch that pain.

Jesus I'm so freaking sick of being a hypocrite...being paralyzed by my fear and the fact that being able to do ministry means having to rip my heart open so I can be healed.

I have so many thoughts and theories that I am lost...so lost and I do not know my right hand from my left...I don't know what is wrong or even right...I want...I NEED to know what matters...what is good, what is true...what is worth fighting and living for.

I have so many vague sketches about what You want me to do...everything around feels so fleeting and fading...how can I do anything of worth? How can I be of any impact when the languages being spoke are so foreign to me?

Thinking I was ever meant to be a minister...or a husband or a father...just feels so stupid. I can't even be a good boyfriend or a theology student...I've failed and screwed so much up with people...how many people have I shoved further from You because of my worthless tongue and my inability to articulate emotion?

It feels like living in a vacuum alone is preferable to a life of constant fear of speaking because of fear of people...fear of me...but mostly a fear of You.

I'm sick of being apathetic towards those who depend on me for some reason...I love my pithy sayings...oh how I love my philosophical quotes that garner me attention...I've done nothing but worn the cross as a merit badge to get what I have wanted...no wonder I have been wandering in this wilderness for so long.

I want to swear, I want to scream to the heavens to get you to hear me...I want to beat these cinder blocks with my fists until they are a bloody mess...I feel such anguish and outrage in my soul when I look at the church...and when I look at myself.

How did we...how did *I* get so far away from simple love of You, others and ourselves?

I have all this wasteful energy to spend...that I try to spend on myself...and so what? For what? What good? What beauty comes of this disgusting heart and mind that only craves death and sin?

I have hope...stupid hope of seeing things through with people...of maybe seeing some sort of future materialize our of thin air...but it is stupid and childish dreams that will never be.

The reality feels...it seems like I will never be able to function as the other half of any sort of relationship...platonic or otherwise...I cannot even master the basic steps of loving You...how can I deal with someone that will destroy my heart again and again?

Why do I always want to run?
By what stupid means do I stand here now?
Is it by faith...or hope or even love?
Or is it pure stupidity...too foolish to move?

I'm afraid You...or you...might start to see me as the fraud I am. That I have always been afraid of being...I'm frightened of emulating the failures of my father...

I'm human...I get that point...I keep trying but I'm human and I will continue to screw up until I die...I'm disgusted with every portion of my body that is flesh and the infestation of disease and sin that is rotting me from the inside out...

I just...need to feel Your love and peace...anything else is...just dust...all things and all people...

Quote of the Day:

"Peace of heart that is won by refusing to bear the common yoke of human sympathy is a peace unworthy of a Christian. To seek tranquility by stopping our ears to the cries of human pain is to make ourselves not Christian but a kind of degenerate stoic having no relation either to stoicism or Christianity."
-A.W. Tozer

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

*sigh*

Sometimes I really do not like myself...and wish I could just leave it all behind...

Okay...I think my body is done freaking out for now.
Now...to be productive.

Thoughts...thoughts...

Peace...such beautiful peace.
=)

At the least I no longer am having Cymbalta withdrawals.
Hooray.

On the down side I really hate my schools inability to manage money.