Greatest need:

It's a mixture of love, hope, purpose and relationships.
Everything else seems secondary in comparison.

Of Angels and Muses

Tis a pity when one hears
of both angels and a Muses
and their sad tears.
There is not much one as I can do
but offer thoughts of hope
and soft spoken prayers
that He will provide
and give you grace
ever through this dreary time
and throughout tonight.

The darkness can only last
as long as time permits.
But it is something we may not see
but only have vague inklings of.
Do not despair,
this grief may hold so tight
upon the very beating of thy heart
but this time will pass
it is only for tonight
and the morning shall come
burning bright
in vivid colors and light
so you can freely see
the grace bought
for both you and me.

See to walk and run and feel,
to know this too shall pass.
The temporal will roll back
and all will be as light,
and no more shall divide us
from ourselves
from one another
or from our Love.

I wish I understood...

Love

Why don't I love more?

Why am I so selfish and short tempered with those I'm supposed to love?

I'm so sick of myself...and trying to serve myself, it is like every time I think I've found You my Love, my Lord...I just have to start back over because I am worshiping who I THINK You are...as opposed to who YOU really are.

I'm so sick of myself, I want to just throw up this false gospel of works, this false gospel of self indulgence, this false gospel of self that demands that I be a god, hallowed be my name.

This is what I hate, I wish I could let go instead of beating myself senselessly.

Could You draw near to me again?
Pull close and wrap me in Your love again?

I want to be angry and act out in hate...but this isn't me...this isn't who I want to be.

I want to be yours...I want to be a son again...I want to be cleaned of all this filth, I want my lips to be purged of sin and to have my heart cleansed and to feel Your Spirit upon me again...please do not forsake or forget me.

Don't leave me in this night, this dark night that I'm so sick of me in.

You know...the dog kicking me in the stomach hasn't actually helped me feel anymore endeared to it...just saying...

It's not that I hate dogs...it's just I have no patience for people who will not send their dog to a trainer and then they act surprised when the dog misbehaves.

Plus the ungodly smell. I can't stand the smells of a dog not being cleaned up after...it's just as bad as cigarette smoke and both give me intense migraines...so a house with both almost makes my eyes explode from my head. #_#

I'm okay though...just little to no sleep and feeling bleearghish.

I love cats...they are so easy to train because as soon as they figure out the litter box (mostly on their own mind you) the only thing left to do is have them judge you and make you feel inferior.

They are the perfect pet for lonely masochists.

Quote of the Day:

"Those who are clever in imagination are far more pleased with themselves than prudent men could reasonably be."
-Blaise Pascal

"I Need You" - Relient K

I've dug up miles and miles of sand
Searching for something I can't see
And I've just got bruised and battered hands
And a brand new void inside of me
Complete with walls I did create
From all the earth that I've displaced
A mess that I have made from what
I've just let pile and pile up
I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

When my hopes seem to dangle
Somewhere just beyond my reach
You say you've heard my prayers
And read my words there on the beach

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

I think the newest story of my life is simply going to be incredibly low expectations coupled with massive amounts of effort place in simply trying...then I will just wait to see what happens...

Seems demented enough for me.
And I can maybe even sleep on that idea and not have incredibly bad back and neck pain.

I'm...so...so tired of pain and bleeding and such.
Little help please?

"You hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope."

*whew*

Broke the 11k word mark...I'm getting close again...very, very close...

"You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom"

I'm falling behind in the word wars because sitting at the desk hurts too freaking much... =/

Gah!

I will not loose!

I'm catching up!

Quote of the Day:

"Hope is the thing with feathers, that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without words, and never stops at all."
-Emily Dickinson

I wonder if I can convert to Catholicism on a part time basis so I can start charging people for treating me as a portable confession booth...

I feel confused.

I give up...I can't even hit 8500 oh well. =/

Stupid emotional investments screwing with my mind on top of my lousy stomach acting up.

You can keep your dirty cows.

The only kind of cows I eat are Brahman.

Nothing tastes as good as blasphemous beef...mmm...nom nom...

Apparently my group of heroes are walking at a very fast paced 'trout'. -_-

Ah such pretty noveling Christmas lights...

Observation of the Day:

Pretensions yes, but awesome all the same.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Metafiction

My brain feels like melted plastic and I'm hungry.
Very hungry for some reason or another.
And novel writing...so freaking hard...can't focus...loosing to others in a word war...mustn't...happen...

"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow may fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me

I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious circle
We are all brought back to life
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"

Quote of the Day:

"Grace means you're in a different universe from where you had been stuck, when you had absolutely no way to get there on your own."
-Anne Lamott

On a less than serious note...Muses may order the hitting of their charges but they need to keep a close check on their word count or they may not realize they are falling behind again...

Yeah.

I went there.

I have a lot of profane and angry things to say about this afternoon...but I'm praying. The sad thing is the people who need love and prayer the most often times receive neither...but God why do the good have to hurt because of the stupid decisions of others?

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to deal with a 'normal' family.

Pray for my sister please, she got bit on the hands by the german shepard dog.

High word count, being metaphorically jack slapped by my Muse, prayers from friends...and feeling God for a fleeting second.

Jesus, my only complaint is this searing flames wave of pain coursing through my body from the bottom of my stomach to the top...please help me...please...God help me.

Epic metal shall lead the way to noveling victory.

Quote of the Day - Part Two:

Guard: Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur: We found them.
Guard: Found them? In Mercia?! The coconut's tropical!
Arthur: What do you mean?
Guard: Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!
Arthur: The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land.
Guard: ... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?

-"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

I had a first year n00b to nanowrimo challenge me to a word off.

It is so on.

=P

Observation of the Day:

Waking someone with the same attitude as Paul Revere informing the Americans of the British coming will insure they are there promptly, however it does nothing to assure they are dressed or prepared for it.

Trying to get a vastly important task done by insisting on doing it in the cheapest and most 'cost effective' way will insure the task is never complete and if it is done it will be done in such a manner that renders it pointless and moot.

Making something both idiot and dog proof are quite similar in that they are the exact same procedure; it should also be noted that it requires the subtle touch of a woman for success at the proofing. For illustration points or lack thereof see: Crusades, the Dark Age, Both World Wars and parliamentary procedure.

Here you go Dr.Cole! Your answer!

It took cleaning the outside of a pool and zero sleep and caffeine!
But I defined Greek comedy!

Greek tragedy = ending, death, funeral, death of the old way
Greek comedy = new beginning, wedding, new birth, renewal

I'm a silly, silly, silly person who has messed up.
Thanks for grace God.
Thanks for providing a Muse.
Just help her on the way home...so you know...she doesn't trip over the piles of letters I wrote and all the crappy art I blamed her for.


Is there a Muse apology course I can sign up for at art school?

Eddie Izzard on the History of Religion

Something tells me I should not trust Facebook's horoscope application after it informed me of this little nugget of information:

"Your health is improving!"

-_-

Riight.

My body must have missed that memo.

Forever would never be long enough.

Some Items of Note:

I.http://blog.nanowrimo.org/
-The topmost blog is by the guy who did nano radio before it went away. He offers some GOOD freaking advice for first time writers.

Also...his idea of having my characters meet other characters from someone else's story is a freaking AWESOME idea...that sadly won't exactly happen. =/

II. Week one, day one pep talk: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/node/3363177
-I never get any of these things in my email but they are good.

III. I honest to God have no idea when I actually last slept longer than a few minutes. It is weird and not something I would actually suggest.

IV. If I hear another human being remind me that I *HAVE* to get a job I am going to need someone to restrain me from setting the world on fire with the sheer amount of profane language that will be coming from my mouth.

V. I went to church yesterday and God I missed being around other people who are willing to admit to being religious hypocrites. It also made me miss leading worship with my best friend like crazy...and preaching and actually being useful...

VI. I've been playing Final Fantasy VI and I forgot it is such an amazing game with such a mature story and a well crafted love story.

VII.I have spent the last three hours listening to the 'Best of Electric Light Orchestra' and my life is all the better for it.

VIII. I'm still incredibly depressed over missing the Atlanta pride festival and the chance to do ministry there. I had a gay friend who was sweet enough to send me a news link that mentioned xxxchurch being at the event.

IX.I forgot how much fun it is to use Roman Numerals in making points.

X.I'm writing a somewhat traditional fantasy novel and it scares me, a lot. I swore to never write pure fantasy and it is scaring me. I have plans to incorporate it into the my novel series...but bleh I don't know. I spent hours the other night putting names together by cobbling together English, French, Cornish, Latin and Tolkien Elvish for good measure.

XI. I want to cry. I'm not sure why but I just feel the need to.

XII. I am drinking tea at this early of an hour to try and stay awake to focus.

XIII.If you are still reading this you need a life just as bad as I do. If you find a spare one please shoot it several times and mail it to me so that I might understand this concept better.

XIV. I don't know if I'm doing the numbers right anymore so I'm quitting to make more emails, write more and weep like a frightened little elven girl.

"Ticket to the Moon" - Electric Light Orchestra

I look out my window at the full moon and think that we could very well be looking at the same moon at the same time. Distance and circumstances dividing us as time passes us by.

It's worth a soft sigh and a curious wondering of the reasons as to why...but questions are murmured as the moon sinks on by past the horizon and I'm left here pondering with no answers.

Quote of the Day:

"Preach the Gospel always, and if necessary, use words."
-Saint Francis of Assisi

WTF! HOW HAS A NANOWRIMO BUDDY OF MINE ALREADY HIT 6K WORDS?!?!

Hopeful sentiments however I find them doubtful.

I speak from a condition of little experience...just that of one who is blinded by my sentimental thoughts and emotional overloads...

...but I've long learned to stop making absolute judgment calls because of Jesus' need to show off.

"My Throat is an Open Grave" - Demon Hunter

"This isn't me I used to say.
All the love was so gone.
It feels good to be alive.
I've been dead for so long.
Wake up screaming, I'm awake and dreaming,
and I won't stop breathing until my heart stops beating.
This isn't me, i used to say.
all the love was so gone, It feels good to be alive,
I've been dead for so long."

Antsy, Angry oh What a Day...

Unless a person's heart is numb or dead I think the natural human reaction to sin is anger.

Of course you have to define sin and God being the clever omnipotent being that He is went ahead and sort of didn't break it down in the Bible. After you read it a half dozen or so times you start to get the distinct impression about what sin is:

1.Hurting God.
2.Hurting yourself.
3.Hurting others.

I see the lines in the sand, I see the blood that is crying up from the ground. Speaking in harsh tongues that only God and I understand. It is crying out in protest, in shame, in hate, in anger...crying out against me.

I'm so sick...so sick of everything I've done for me.
Acting so stupid, moving out of turn and trying to...
I just can't find the words to form them because I have hidden them so well.

I wanted...wanted...and needed...needed...
And I got all the lies I asked for.
Gift wrapped and expressed shipped here to me, from you babe.
Everything I ever wanted, everything I ever needed.
And God it makes me so sick.
I want to throw up just to get it out of my body.
I want to bleed out this poison so I can breath again.
Rip open my heart, show you my soul
and make you see me as me.
Not the pretend image you like to dance to.
I want the world to see the real me
and everything I'm not,
just so maybe for once God can shine through.
I'm just living death
crashing through windows
colliding and breaking
and hurting the innocent
just because I am.
Nothing more and nothing less
because I'm everything that I am not
and here I am
just begging,
wanting, needing, praying
just to be freed.

I sought the dream
and laid weeping at my disgrace.
I fought the night
and was broken on my own power.

Every lie I've made,
every last insincerity
I choke on and die
as I lay here hoping for something more.

I can't give anything more than me,
this poorest of poor offerings
because of the misuse and brokenness.
I want to see with these eyes again.
I want to scream your prasies with this voice.
Every wasted minute I want back
as I need You nearby.

I can't stand the corruption inside me,
this beloved cancer I cradel
and make love to
just to push You further from my soul.

Why can't every last block be removed?
How long must I wait for my Love to rescue me?
To save me from this trap of my own doing?
I was caught by my cleverness
and here I lay dying
hoping and praying for something more.

I can wait here crying
feeling the cold hand of dying
or dare to move
and die along the way.

Every breath is bringing me closer
to the climax,
this last moment of life
where my soul shall leave this destroyed shell
and the freedom of Love
and eternity shall wrap His hands around me
and never again,
never will I cry
never will I waste monuments in desecrated silence to you
as I lay here infested with the hate.

No more.
Not again.
Never will this sin resume.
Only love will exist.
Perfect Love to wipe my tears away
as I cling to You
and feel what it is I've sought for my life,
when I find everything I have wanted
in this one moment of freedom.

I'm about to hit to hit thirteen thousand views on this blog...you people are crazy for coming here that much...you know that?

There are actual talented writers you can stalk...or you know...you can go outside and play or something.

But...thanks. =)

Quote of the Day:

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
-Douglas Adams

Blergh...sick...stomach...pain...oh geez...

Come on now...