Saturday, July 18, 2009
Compromising Thoughts
It is annoying how this vow...this promise...is almost a noose around me...not a bit guiding me but something that starts to choke me when I try to run.
Divine Love, so intoxicating...incomparable and no person can hope to understand.
I feel it in music...this rage...this desire; all of these revised and revived intoxicating lies mixed with hope.
It's so easy to step out of my skin on here and be a stranger...it's a refuge of sort...but I forget who I am, who the real me is outside of these false identities.
I wish i could rip my heart out so I could just give it to You fully, no more lies...no more fallacy driven compromise.
You really should sing angel, sing through your uncompromisable compromise.
What does it mean to be human?
Really human?
What has defined the terms?
How did You expect things to fall?
I'm tired of existential dread.
Will you let me cash it in with my desires in exchange for blood?
Divine Love, so intoxicating...incomparable and no person can hope to understand.
I feel it in music...this rage...this desire; all of these revised and revived intoxicating lies mixed with hope.
It's so easy to step out of my skin on here and be a stranger...it's a refuge of sort...but I forget who I am, who the real me is outside of these false identities.
I wish i could rip my heart out so I could just give it to You fully, no more lies...no more fallacy driven compromise.
You really should sing angel, sing through your uncompromisable compromise.
What does it mean to be human?
Really human?
What has defined the terms?
How did You expect things to fall?
I'm tired of existential dread.
Will you let me cash it in with my desires in exchange for blood?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Tryst Today
Some Lou Reed and thoughts of you.
Walking in and out of mind
while going up on a sugar trip.
Wanting to go here and there
not knowing where you might be.
Just wanting to take this walk
right out on the wild side,
maybe in boots or just lies.
Walking in and out of mind
while going up on a sugar trip.
Wanting to go here and there
not knowing where you might be.
Just wanting to take this walk
right out on the wild side,
maybe in boots or just lies.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Short of Flying
It is...scary but reliving to know I am not in control. What little that is entrusted to me is screwed up enough...
Yesterday was a good day so I forgot to write...today was a good day...up until the...it wasn't a fight...or an argument...a chiding or scolding wouldn't be correct either...a reminder of where I am, where I am not...and just shadows of imperfection around the fading light.
How is it 2007 is so far in the past? Or 2004? Or really 1986? These numbers...periods of time with no real meaning outside of reflections...1989 and 1994...my heart being ripped
out before I knew it could be.
There is just such a large amount of confusion wrapped around doubt.
I hate caring, the energy invested in people that so often leads to pain...I mean me saying that is like wishing I didn't need water or oxygen...asinine childish thoughts.
"But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you"
Running surely won't work either.
Mindless self indulgence has exhausted itself.
Yesterday was a good day so I forgot to write...today was a good day...up until the...it wasn't a fight...or an argument...a chiding or scolding wouldn't be correct either...a reminder of where I am, where I am not...and just shadows of imperfection around the fading light.
How is it 2007 is so far in the past? Or 2004? Or really 1986? These numbers...periods of time with no real meaning outside of reflections...1989 and 1994...my heart being ripped
out before I knew it could be.
There is just such a large amount of confusion wrapped around doubt.
I hate caring, the energy invested in people that so often leads to pain...I mean me saying that is like wishing I didn't need water or oxygen...asinine childish thoughts.
"But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you"
Running surely won't work either.
Mindless self indulgence has exhausted itself.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Trying to Sort...
So little has any real meaning...that isn't ripped apart by the madness of subjectivity...here we are...now what?
I'm bottoming out...I'm breaking apart and it feels like I'm free falling with no sense of direction.
If I sit here, If I lay here begging for help...strength to stand...will You bother to meet me halfway?
I don't know how to put this in words to where people can actually understand...it's frustrating that it seems that only the Divine know why...and can understand...but the words are so futile.
It still hurts.
Deep inside.
My heart is screaming to You in the middle of this off key notes and over the sounds of cracking bone. Even though I'm a false child of Israel my brethren are the Pharisees and serpents. From my cradle and until my grave you will see my hypocrisy and the hate I've sown in Your name...my childish ignorance has never been an excuse, nothing is to be explained because the failure is obvious.
You, You are truth.
My existential hypocrisy is rotting my heart and still...You have carried my sin, my poison, this living corpse that needs to be renewed.
I've seen too much death...I've lost so much...does the hollow feeling ever go away? How can I miss someone I barely knew so much?
"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It’s true that I’m in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I’ll ever need, your love has set me free
The truth is only you"
-Showbread, "Age of Reptiles"
"Thomas said, "Master, we have no idea where you're going. How do you expect us to know the road?"
Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You've even seen him!""
-John 14:5-7
I'm bottoming out...I'm breaking apart and it feels like I'm free falling with no sense of direction.
If I sit here, If I lay here begging for help...strength to stand...will You bother to meet me halfway?
I don't know how to put this in words to where people can actually understand...it's frustrating that it seems that only the Divine know why...and can understand...but the words are so futile.
It still hurts.
Deep inside.
My heart is screaming to You in the middle of this off key notes and over the sounds of cracking bone. Even though I'm a false child of Israel my brethren are the Pharisees and serpents. From my cradle and until my grave you will see my hypocrisy and the hate I've sown in Your name...my childish ignorance has never been an excuse, nothing is to be explained because the failure is obvious.
You, You are truth.
My existential hypocrisy is rotting my heart and still...You have carried my sin, my poison, this living corpse that needs to be renewed.
I've seen too much death...I've lost so much...does the hollow feeling ever go away? How can I miss someone I barely knew so much?
"Jesus bless the crocodiles, forgive the cobras and all the snakes
Open up your arms to carry all of our mistakes
Forgive the basilisk, forgive the moccasins and adders too
Have mercy on each alligator that never lived for you
I myself hatched from an egg, no white light from above
Just another ancient serpent that never earned your love
But still you find me underneath the rocks and in the ground
I cowered there just short of air and never made a sound
It’s true that I’m in love with you, and even in my shame
You wipe away the imperfections and take away the pain
You wrap your loving arms around this wretched thing called me
Your love is all I’ll ever need, your love has set me free
The truth is only you"
-Showbread, "Age of Reptiles"
"Thomas said, "Master, we have no idea where you're going. How do you expect us to know the road?"
Jesus said, "I am the Road, also the Truth, also the Life. No one gets to the Father apart from me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him. You've even seen him!""
-John 14:5-7
Monday, July 13, 2009
Loud Words
I don't know.
I'm not sure what I want to do except throw up.
I can't put stuff into words...fire...confusion...things and things again.
I hate not being able to phrase things.
I want to understand why...why...why...but no words fall. Nothing that can help make sense of things. I want to get out of this Hell. I hate this place. This fake words. The hollow conversations...people not understanding...not managing to listen and God I'm just so enraged and sad and not able to take much more of this before I snap.
Before I can sleep.
I'm not sure what I want to do except throw up.
I can't put stuff into words...fire...confusion...things and things again.
I hate not being able to phrase things.
I want to understand why...why...why...but no words fall. Nothing that can help make sense of things. I want to get out of this Hell. I hate this place. This fake words. The hollow conversations...people not understanding...not managing to listen and God I'm just so enraged and sad and not able to take much more of this before I snap.
Before I can sleep.
Just a philosophical tidbit:
Karl Marx as an idiot. Religion isn't the opiate of the people, it shocks you awake in vividly horrific ways. Ignorance, shallowness and racism are the true opiates because they require no prior thought or effort to obtain.
Day Time Cafes
Soft clever words have nothing on you.
I'm not sure I believed them anyway.
I'm the master of distraction
and have no clue where time begins and I end.
It's not like I meant dinner for two
or for the feelings to outlive the day.
It's just me in my hat and coat
wishing for a way out.
I'm not sure I believed them anyway.
I'm the master of distraction
and have no clue where time begins and I end.
It's not like I meant dinner for two
or for the feelings to outlive the day.
It's just me in my hat and coat
wishing for a way out.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
The Grey Sunrise
Been up since about three AM reading...thinking...hoping...praying.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Going to sleep at 7 or 8 PM is actually so much better for me...I wake up almost feeling rested and so much more energetic and better...now if I could just cut out the rest of the bad stuff from my diet and run every day...I dare say I might make a recovery before the Mayo clinic can get me in.
I'm feeling hope...hope burning deeply inside me.
It's more then any thing, any person, any set of doctrinal rules can give me...knowing You are loved...without reason other then I am...it's so alien, so foreign from every relationship in my life which has demanded me to love before being loved first. It's like every crummy MMO which supplants a laundry list instead of a vivid and immersible story.
I've been tied of games and shallow relationships for a while...I've been on a sabbatical without meaning to for a while...but a sucky one in which I have trouble sleeping at night, I feel guilty for eating the food here and for all rights and purposes almost feel as if I am some parasite leeching off the general 'goodness' of those who claim me.
I hate those thoughts.
I'm tired of feeling that way.
I'm ready for what is next, I'm ready to see things on a different level.
I've been cruising and have no idea why I've been here for so long except that I've been sick. People do not understand why I so desperately want out of this house, this town, this state, this way of life...it's not that I hate the people or take the relationships...the LOVE for granted...but...have you felt the truth brush against your heart? Your mind?
I'm infected with this eternal love.
This impossible goodness.
Jesus shouldn't be God.
God shouldn't exists.
Humanity should have never been.
None of this should be possible but my God it is.
The cross, the love, the pain, the beauty...all of this.
All so vivid and real.
This blood pumps through my heart just as my heart burns to go to the darkest night and share love. Love that is offered for free and demands honesty.
It's the intoxicating love, love that brings me to tears and rips me from every level of comfort that demands I kneel and jump forward into the unknown.
I got too excited.
I'm hurting bad in my stomach now.
I don't care what this is, I don't give a damn if it kills me today or in twenty years. I don't want to die but whatever this is it is, whatever will be will be and the only thing I care about is making this next step.
Sunrises Forever
I've got nothing but time
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
but time just missed me
on my way out the door.
Before I knew who I was
I was here waiting,
waiting just for You.
Waiting for the sun to rise
and to hear of Love.
To know the sun will rise
after the darkest night,
to know that You thought of me
with every new rose that would bloom,
to know that You saw the same beauty
in watching the birds in flight,
to know that it's not crazy
to hope to believe that one day
Love will be real
and that every tear will be wiped away.
We've walked this far together
and there is still so much left to do
while waiting and still just waiting
for the world to be made anew
Beyond dusty tomes
feeling the beauty of love
just as it is new.
Holding to the hope
clutching to the dream
that the dawn is coming
and this light that is You.
Is it okay to say this?
Is it still okay to hope?
After we have seen this
seen the ugly
and have plumbed the darker depths
and the Hells hidden in man's heart,
can we still hold to Love?
Every passing star in the night sky
just makes me hold to You
knowing the little I do
and just hoping I can stop crying
long enough to remember
the tempest Your love encompasses
and I know that You know,
You've always known I love You.
With the Muse's hands guiding me
with the whispers of Love
I know You know
so let these words be few
as I hope to fall deeper into Love,
further into grace
and know just know
there is no end
just this endlessly new beginning.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Resettlement of the Heart
Oh dear Love, dear Love
this is me speaking.
How lame are my limbs
how dumb is my tongue
and how deep in my aching.
My words may not express
even as a Muse hovers near
and I may only confess
my insufficiency here
as I fumble loosely for change,
change here
change now
a change for forever.
Grace to heal these wounds
Grace to forever rearrange
the structure of my heart.
Rewrite Your words on my heart.
Restructure so I may love,
break this wall down
so I can feel
and I can know whom this love is of.
this is me speaking.
How lame are my limbs
how dumb is my tongue
and how deep in my aching.
My words may not express
even as a Muse hovers near
and I may only confess
my insufficiency here
as I fumble loosely for change,
change here
change now
a change for forever.
Grace to heal these wounds
Grace to forever rearrange
the structure of my heart.
Rewrite Your words on my heart.
Restructure so I may love,
break this wall down
so I can feel
and I can know whom this love is of.
Sacred Falling Notes
I feel and see the futility.
I want to give up.
It's not real.
None of it ever was.
Strip me of my eyes so I can on longer see, take my ears so I may not hear, take my heart so I will never love and strip away my ability to feel.
It's not a question of believing in love...my faith is weak and I doubt it can overcome the disgusting frailties of humanity...I doubt few if any know what this Love is...what it means in the context of eternity...how it rips meaning from Your life and makes everything worthless. everything eternally worthless.
Too numb to feel and too dumb to speak.
I'm fooling around with cheap drink, cheap drugs and even cheaper sex not even knowing the source of my own misery is me waking to realize I never slept. It's all running in circles while making me feel cheap, cheaper and much more less than I truly am.
I remember eating a sandwich with her and it hurts.
I want everyone to like and accept me, when I don't get what I want I become this child who hurts and hurts with no sense or bearing of the the eternal and how it is all it is.
I doubt many understand this...and if they do it's distance ripping things apart...I want to give up and surrender my soul but it feels like I have nothing left...nothing except hope and trust that I am something more then a dying body with an infection infested soul.
Does it really matter that...even though I make it about me...that nothing except Everything is related to me?
You made it this way...everything and nothing...all at once.
How beautiful, how terrifying of You.
Isaiah 1:18-20
""Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out.
"This is God's Message:
"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.
If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.
If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.
But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."
That's right. God says so."
I want to give up.
It's not real.
None of it ever was.
Strip me of my eyes so I can on longer see, take my ears so I may not hear, take my heart so I will never love and strip away my ability to feel.
It's not a question of believing in love...my faith is weak and I doubt it can overcome the disgusting frailties of humanity...I doubt few if any know what this Love is...what it means in the context of eternity...how it rips meaning from Your life and makes everything worthless. everything eternally worthless.
Too numb to feel and too dumb to speak.
I'm fooling around with cheap drink, cheap drugs and even cheaper sex not even knowing the source of my own misery is me waking to realize I never slept. It's all running in circles while making me feel cheap, cheaper and much more less than I truly am.
I remember eating a sandwich with her and it hurts.
I want everyone to like and accept me, when I don't get what I want I become this child who hurts and hurts with no sense or bearing of the the eternal and how it is all it is.
I doubt many understand this...and if they do it's distance ripping things apart...I want to give up and surrender my soul but it feels like I have nothing left...nothing except hope and trust that I am something more then a dying body with an infection infested soul.
Does it really matter that...even though I make it about me...that nothing except Everything is related to me?
You made it this way...everything and nothing...all at once.
How beautiful, how terrifying of You.
Isaiah 1:18-20
""Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out.
"This is God's Message:
"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.
If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.
If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.
But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."
That's right. God says so."
Split Words
I feel...so worried about people...about situations...about how it almost seems things are starting to spiral out of control.
I want to ask "What does it really matter?"
But I know the answer. I just want to shove my head so deep into the sand so that I cannot see, experience or feel.
I'm this mixture of a Savior want to be with the emotional maturity of a five year old. I keep trying to play Jesus to the leprosy of your heart...but I have nothing to give.
This medication...I guess this is like being stoned...or whatever. It sucks...I hate it. I hate this sickness and this pain...but God help me to see the light. Baby, light my way, light my way.
I want to ask "What does it really matter?"
But I know the answer. I just want to shove my head so deep into the sand so that I cannot see, experience or feel.
I'm this mixture of a Savior want to be with the emotional maturity of a five year old. I keep trying to play Jesus to the leprosy of your heart...but I have nothing to give.
This medication...I guess this is like being stoned...or whatever. It sucks...I hate it. I hate this sickness and this pain...but God help me to see the light. Baby, light my way, light my way.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
"Recall" - Brave Saint Saturn
It was all about acceleration
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"
Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me
There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me
I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me
All for notoriety
All about the destination
Driven by my own abilities
Rocket shuttered screamed and then fell away
Lift this juggernaut into the sky
Radio waves in the frozen night
Spelling "I miss you"
Like a flicker of light
In the back of my mind
And it all comes back to me
Like an overdue sunrise
It all comes back to me
There's nothing like complete exhaustion
The atrophy of complete defeat
The feeling of the world upon my shoulders
And realizing I am incomplete
Well there's a lot of freedom in failure
Of recklessness of weightless abandonment
I remember light coming through stained glass
And it reminds me
I remember Your love
Being better than life
When it all comes back to me
I will sing in the shadows
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
When it all comes back
To me
Dreaming of Zion Awake...
The Matrix Online dying sucked enough...but finding this website:
http://www.mxoarchive.net
Just made the process that much freaking harder.
Archives...of the glorious first few months when the story was flying left and right...ah...times I sadly missed.
Notable places:
http://www.mxoarchive.net/mxofaq.txt
http://www.mxoarchive.net/dn1.html
http://www.mxoarchive.net/journal.html
God I'm going to miss Tabor Park, the Ike Docks, avoiding Mara C like the plague and visiting The Vault in Lamar.
Sadness.
Watchmen 2009 Anniversary:
Nintene - Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire:
Nintene's brief stint as a Smithling:
Nin and Emoto Power!
Nin and Emoto busting up bots:
Fedora Power!
It takes this many Red Pills to kill one ninja...
Emoto won!
Emoto and Dante's Wedding:
After wedding party with an Agent killing a Cypherite in the background:
Fire!
Hoping...
Surprise! Another Sony roadblock!
Looking to the...
http://www.mxoarchive.net
Just made the process that much freaking harder.
Archives...of the glorious first few months when the story was flying left and right...ah...times I sadly missed.
Notable places:
http://www.mxoarchive.net/mxofaq.txt
http://www.mxoarchive.net/dn1.html
http://www.mxoarchive.net/journal.html
God I'm going to miss Tabor Park, the Ike Docks, avoiding Mara C like the plague and visiting The Vault in Lamar.
Sadness.
Watchmen 2009 Anniversary:
Nintene - Zombie Hunter Extraordinaire:
Nintene's brief stint as a Smithling:
Nin and Emoto Power!
Nin and Emoto busting up bots:
Fedora Power!
It takes this many Red Pills to kill one ninja...
Emoto won!
Emoto and Dante's Wedding:
After wedding party with an Agent killing a Cypherite in the background:
Fire!
Hoping...
Surprise! Another Sony roadblock!
Looking to the...
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Zen of Nothing
There must be a certain Zen to being able to sit here...and clear the mind of everything...every worry, every fear, every atom of drama, every longing, every pain, every aching burning sensation...there must be a talent to clearing all of these from the mind...to be able to focus on the wind, on breathing, on hearing the fan whirl...
There has to be this deep seated...this nearly hidden talent of being able to block out everything that causes stress, that adds to this pain...there has to be a method to letting out all of this pain...this tension these levels of pain...how...?
Breathing.
Lack of thinking?
Reasonable amounts of...
The problem is defining reasonable...and having to define in the first place...which removes the ability to relax and breath...
Interference.
There has to be this deep seated...this nearly hidden talent of being able to block out everything that causes stress, that adds to this pain...there has to be a method to letting out all of this pain...this tension these levels of pain...how...?
Breathing.
Lack of thinking?
Reasonable amounts of...
The problem is defining reasonable...and having to define in the first place...which removes the ability to relax and breath...
Interference.
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