Oie.

This has become the house of the cooking fire grill rave.

Oh yes.

Ahhh!
Stuff!

I am tired...so tired in ways and awake.
Clothes are washing...

Books are being read...the evening is on its way.

I still cannot manage any sort of coherent thoughts...
Ack.

I am forgetting something...it seems...

Amazing how my mind somehow manages to never turn off...just...

So...that was an interesting take on Robin Hood.
Brain tired.
Stress from life...and decisions to make...

Choice.
Indecision.

Hope...?

So many routes and roads to traverse...why can they never be the easy ones?

I...do...not...really...know...know...know...

I am...not sure.

Hmm...

You know...there is apparently a difference between saying and doing...who knew?

*Sigh*

People are so depressingly stupid...

"The ghost of hope still strikes its brilliant lightning.
Through the dark our hearts will scream,
for a world we’ve only dreamed.
And the past, it will decay,
so sing goodbye to yesterday
and I believe."

There is nothing quite like the feeling of loosing your mind!

Hooray!

=D

Quote of the Day:

"As we come to grips with our own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the impostor and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others -- and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer."
— Brennan Manning

Ack...essay writing...ack.

Argh.

Blurgh.

Blergh.

Blearghurgherghs.

Yes...try saying that last one five times fast.

I just...
The wonder and helplessness I feel at times...what hope prevails and drives this heart to force my way through the surreal landscape surrounding me?

I'm not sure...how and why but people speak of Hell with authority.
The grandeur of Heaven is reduced to mere humanistic terms...the physical and what we get out of it...not what truth may be...truth beyond our understanding and desire.

So many of the issues revolve around...

The words I wish to utilize silence themselves because of the narcissism involved with it.

Features...floundering and Hell...this and that...this and that...
Why do I bother to care?
What is it I am fighting for?

At the smallest...slightest...things divide and pain...
Jesus, why?
I don't want to carry this burden...but has it ever been my choice?
What is relevant in decision when it feels like all I can do...is...is...

It is clear I haven't dealt with things ending with this semester...seeing an empty ice cream box was enough to almost make me want to cry.

I had something profound...but it's gone...now it's just a mixture of exhaustion and not knowing where exactly to look right now...but everything is...is...and will be.

Chicago...doesn't feel all that far away right now...

More than ever I am getting the distinct impression this university isn't all that concerned about my well being...

>_< Ack Athletes.

Hope.
Burning so bright.
Hope.
Christ Jesus, You have carried me so far.
From here until eternity
may this life be Yours.

Yeah...I am a lamewad...

Moving apathy!
Hooray!

I think may be looking forward to having class just so I can get back to sleeping on a normal schedule again...it has been such an insanely busy couple of weeks of spending time with friends...saying goodbye...driving miles all over the place...such bitter sweet moments...

Hope remains that this is only a new beginning.
I still do not understand the how or the why...
I have to keep asking until I die...but there is hope,
that there are no true endings.

"Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you'll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes"

It feels like a slap in the face but I think God has been revealing to me just how shallow I am in all my relationships...how I am so mercenary, self-serving and self-seeking...

I still view people as a means to my own end...not as being beautiful, unique and wonderful creations of Father...I am so bitter and angry when plans don't go my way...why and when did I stop seeing the twists and turns of life being so breath taking beautiful?

I want a sense of wonder again...I want to see the unexpected as good...I want to see people as You do, I want to feel for them...love them like You do...

I want to no longer be so shallow but be deep...