Me

I'm not sure if I've been to this place before or not.

The music is familiar...I just am having trouble feeling anything. My hands are quite numb...my mind doesn't want to work...I feel...fear of some sort.

The end is soon...but soon is subjective. Time is relative so all of this is happening at once...streams of thought simultaneously viewed as the same from God's perspective.

That is how He feels such intense love towards us and hate towards sin...it's seeing the conclusions before they are evident to us...seeing the heavenly or hellish creatures we become and make evident with our lives in this world. It is not causality or fatalism...it is love that He allows us to live and then do the impossible with His help...we affect ourselves and this world more then we know...it is love that is salvation and freedom from self...sacrifice makes one kill this beast or narcissism and we find salvation in the mundane...this deep and passionate love that hates the cliche and the hypocrisy that most movements are on any given day.

I sometimes wonder if I'm going to be able to let go of the medication if I'm ever healed...if I can let go of feeling numb so I can feel something more...things are hazy and more painful...there is no euphoria...but it is the self hate I've wanted for a long time...and that is a narcissistic addiction I need salvation from.

Goodbye Can't Come Late Enough

Apathy kills
like the music bleeding from your head,
being a thrill
forgetting what it means to live.

Contrived thoughts
blended and poured out.
Nothing sought
with sanity out for the day.

Rhythmic pulses
running through sound and life
being their cheap version.
It's all so cheap indeed.

More morbid dark thoughts as I consider life
and really this past
and everything revolving
including this sun and stars
and the path that first brought me to you.

It's hard for me to keep focused when my only focus is on me.
Belated, belittling, broken and trite me.

I make it all about me anyway
why not this?

Choices and decisions.
Inferiority and life.
Dancing in the wind.
Nothing really
with everything so broken and displaced.
I want to run
and just hide
from the gaze of the mirror that I cannot see.

It all makes sense from a broken and disjointed point of view.
The need to end this,
end this now
anyhow
anyway
just ending the pain that overloads
and makes no sense.
Just some salvation from this.
Anyway and anyhow
some sort of life line away from this,
this empty smile of death.
I hate what I see
and wish I just couldn't see anymore.

Everything is dying and we want something more
something less than real
something plastic and disposable.
It's a pity that life can't be carried in such a way
carried in a bag and set up for your convenience.
Just so I could be a bit more normal for your sake.
Doesn't matter as long as I'm a carbon copy
of just whatever the hell it is you wanted.
Not this broken and mottled package
but this perfect little piece of glass
and porcelain shit that would make you happy.
Just you.
Really, that is about it.
Because you would think
that this is all about you anyway.
Just like the rest.

Inevitably speaking, it had to get worse and will continue to get worse until it improves or some other event happens.

Memories That Fall

I think my favorite season is Fall and Winter. The colder weather helps me to be able to breath and think.

But thinking is part of my problem.

I hate memories so often. They never leave and never return when I want them to. I have tried looking at the bright side...but the memories of past days are too bitter sweet. I would have rather to have never had the experience then to simply loose it at a later time.

It's selfish I know.

Life is more intricately complex by the moment and no one understands what the smallest shift in the world might cause...but honestly...I could live without most of it.

It is not making much sense to me right now...things are too convoluted in my mind...but God knows I wish I could just collect all of these scraps into a pile and let them burn. Let the memories of the past just turn into smoke and ash so I could be free of all of these lingering thoughts and questions.

I hate this place.

There is only shifting shades of twilight offering more questions instead of answers and it will always be this way. The price of knowledge is death by apathy...dispassionate hate for everything I have ever seen or felt. A disgust created by my interaction with everything and everyone. I hold myself with the prideful indulgence that somehow I am different and not as revolting as the vox populi...silly, isn't it?

And a bit sad really. Seeing an adult act like a child in just trying to wish everything away and letting hate and fear smolder and burn a deeper hole into my soul.

I just...I am drained of emotion right now. Of caring, of wanting to care. I do not even want to feel this anger and hate towards God and people. I want to stop hurting but the act of even carrying that out in any regards is impossible because of further moral conflicting and conundrums.

I hate seeing reports, seeing updates, feeling emotion and dejected elation at another missed calling and reminders of how terrible of a friend, family member, general member of society that I am.

I want to tell everyone and everything that the collective is intruding into my personal space and that you can keep your love for someone who isn't too enraged and intoxicated from the pain to give a damn.

I'm trying not to be completely lost in this narcissistic rage...but it is hard. I'm bitter and cynical and want to scream and stuff. I want to push books off the desk and throw a tantrum. I want to randomly light my journals on fire and let them burn like my insides are...I want to grab people by the shoulder and by the head and make them look into my eyes and see just why I am so upset. Why I am in such a rut, why I do not care about the future or what lucky unicorn rainbow laced happiness might hit me in the head.

I don't care.

I don't want any sort of connection right now...it is weakness that is causing me more pain because I feel like I am failing at every possible and conceivable junction of life.

If I ever come across any sort of life plan I wrote I'm going to use it to start the pyre of my collective written work. I don't care...it is all poorly contrived garbage anyway. It is expression of a blind fool who made the mistake of opening his tongue and now would have to have it cut cut off for him to ever shut up with these incessant and poorly written monologues.

You want truth? You speak of it like you have something to say. You open your mouth with a sneer and don't even see the irony of the fact your body is already shutting down, breaking down and you will be dead before you can finish your next word.

The universe is an ever expanding mass of disordered explosions that is winding down and cannot end soon enough before humanity finds even more brilliant ways of delivering death and damning people to more useless and boring pain.

I am even hating music. I can't stand to pick up and try to play anything because a bass guitar is not an efficient solo instrument. And most of the music is full of the cliche and full of meaningless efforts to do equally meaningless things.

Life has purpose, don't get me wrong. The problem is that that purpose revolves around sacrifice, deliberately putting oneself in pain and caring. Bothering to love...things that cause me even more pain.

Talking to people is excruciating sometimes...it is a pain, a deep cut drawing blood and I don't know how to stop the flow. I don't want to remember everything...the good or the bad. Both equally need to be purged so I can learn how to breath again.

I don't want to think of you right now...you need to go back into the past with the other shades that haunt my nightmares. I never knew you...or any of you...everything you speak is about death and blood...reminders of the Hell made out of this world. I never wanted it, couldn't ask for it...I just need to be away from you. Leave me please, leave this mind and maybe time might erase the last traces of your picture and voice from my mind and I'll never hurt from you again.

I don't like carrying about these ghosts of the past...these haunting and half formed memories that I am never sure about the truth or lies of any of them. I just need to find a cave to lay in and rest so maybe I can heal before the next assault on my mind and body begin.

It's like the sky line gets ripped open and rain pours down. Filling in these holes and making the lake grow. Pushing the gaps wider and making it hurt more. I wish it were possible to cut out every sound clip, every visual reminder, every thought and moment of time that was used up and wasted and worth absolutely nothing now...it is just a 'lost treasure' that has become an incredibly bitter reminder.

The taste cuts my tongue and makes me resent being born and even being here.

I cannot limp away from this place quick enough. Even if I have to drag my bleeding and broken self across this wasteland I am going to escape...someday and sometime...you may never know it or care...just wherever you are...you went beyond the sea to a place I couldn't follow if I tried...and here I am...I don't know...I don't know...I just do not know where this all began or where it will all end.

This disconcerting waste of life is just a further irritation...I want to run away from it all because there is nothing for me here...here. Nothing, nothing at all. It's devoid of anything I would consider life, love, meaning, purpose...God I hate all the random moments and images that course through my head...they will not turn off and it just makes me...causes me...drives me to ache for all the lost, all the pain, all the forgotten.

It's all something...something...something.

Burning pain just absolutely sucks.

There are two kinds of hypocrites; everyone and those living in their own little world.

Just found about four volumes of journals and notes from school...most remmeber to put them in the fire for burning...

"Where the Streets Have No Name" - U2

On Again

Truth is as relative and poignant as one allows it.
It's quite clear to see
what has been done here.
The self entitled mummers of your heart
and watching it rip your soul apart
for nothing less than the stark nothing inside.

Your heart will never bleed
when its made of stone
You'll never feel
any love you refuse.
Words will never convey
what actions hold meaningless
and there is no conversation
held in these empty places.
It's not that you haven't heard this before
but strictly speaking
its just between you and me
that the truest beauty
simply continues to defy all.
Dear muse.

"Where the Sun Never Dies" - Blindside

I think I saw a place in the distance
We've always known it was there
When I have breathed for the last time
I'll walk out to the end of that pier
There is that place in our conscience
So talk so loud so you won't hear and forget
But I'll still call it home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way

There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way
I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way

Following Timed

Saying goodbye isn't enough,
it's sort of like loosing a part of you
or watching it leave as you walk by the door.
Or sometimes it is more like watching you
as you walk out and not coming back.
It's an interesting turn of events
realizing yourself as is
and not doing too much about it.
Being so tired
being so sick
what is it worth?

This time to say hello and goodbye,
it is worth the time of life
the energy and effort
it takes to crawl forward
and at times simply cry.
It is worth it to feel
even when it is simply pain
making it impossible to kneel
rendering speech impractical
because of what little remains.
This sacrifice of moment,
consequential of time,
is all that we have left.
To spend, invest, charm
and leave ways of deceit.

But here it is,
in all of its beautiful horror,
life remaining as it is
looking back
as you stare into the inky wells,
never blinking
without a smoldering statement.
Just as is.
Nothing more
nothing less,
nothing more than its own narcissistic embrace
of air in the moment of need
bleeding out all the faith indeed.
Making life remarkably unremarkable
one blessed step at a time.

Goodnight and Gooday.

Dancing shades of midnight
running across the sky.
Memories of the lesser divine
running across eyes that lie.
Missing in ways
crawling through the day
While waiting,
just waiting for you.
The words you say
lighting a fire
deep within my soul.

Caressing the mind.
Touching deep.
Running across the chasm of your mind
touching me deep.
Words within and without
taking it across in this manner.
Resonating in beginnings and end.

All of these outside influences
become more
and more convoluted
as the ages pass.
Words becoming half spoken truths
amongst other things.
Everything in mind
is coming apart in here.
Matters and manners alike
and thoughts apart of time.

Formulating lies,
a sort of divine choice
given before words made sense.
Thankfully it is now,
shortcomings and all.
Making life in twilight
and shades of purpose.

Inner Dialogue

Oie.

Ye gats.

Yikes.

Wow.

Retreat?

...

Wait, no car?

Ah nuts.

Morning Lies

Melodrama and false starts
plague the mind.
Diminishing value and useless parts
move about in time.

Disorder and dissonance
ring true only in part
Orderly romance
painted in by numbers
behaving in part as it is stifled.
Just make it quick
forget feeling sick
just play through in time.

Forgetting the depth of sincerity
and bredth of humanity.

love is in need of Love to save it
make right
making it tight
and making it real once again.

"World Without End" - Five Iron Frenzy

For all the deepest thought compiled,philosophy
to laws of physics,
no one's ever heard or seen,
a more beautiful thing,
than this love that saved us.

In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.

The very spark that burns the stars,
drew near to me today,
the God of everything that is,
whispered in my ear that His love is boundless.

In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.

"The Greatest Story Ever Told" - Five Iron Frenzy

"How's your life?""How are things?"
"Great they're going okay!"
Something stale and superficial,
not to ruin your day.
Something swell,
something gay,
with the toothiest
smile,
something sappy,
something happy,
something smells like bile.
I don't want to burst your bubble,
not to rain on your parade,
underneath my skin I'm tired,
limping down the path I've made.
The clap of thunder in my veins,
breaks on barren manifold,
still and small and so mundane,
the greatest story ever told.

Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.

All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only one that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that he wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told.

"Far, Far Away" - Five Iron Frenzy

Staring at the shoreline
wishing for some hope
the weight of empty fishing nets
is more than twisted rope
And underneath stern faces
they wait with baited breath
with broken hearts from hoping
while casting out their nets
See the figure on the shore
He speaks His words like plain men sing
His hands they still have holes in them
glory to the King

Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you’ll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes

And Peter was a liar
a traitor just like me
and Judas was a hypocrite
and Paul a Pharisee
When truth can be so distant
and hope evades our reach
Peter swam across the water
and found it on the beach

Can you hear the bells are ringing
far, far, away?
Can you hear the voices singing
far, far, away?
I know that one day soon a song shall rise
you’ll hear it with the sleep still in your eyes

I hear they’ll hang you upside down
stretched across two boards
for hearing distant voices
and crossing to the Lord.

"Wilderness" - The OC Supertones

The rain falls on the righteous and the wicked
Mine is not to reason why this is
In this I rest in this I find my refuge
That my thoughts and ways are not His
I spend my life on looking up the answers
It’s rare that I can’t find a reason why
But reasons fail at children without mothers
His plan is more than I can know

Have you ever held in doubt
What this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know
Or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not really exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt
A place called the wilderness

I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this

Have you ever held in doubt
What this life is all about
Have you questioned all these things that seem important to us
Do you really wanna know
Or are you a little scared
You’re afraid that God is not really exactly what you’d have Him be
What should I hold to and what should I do
How do I know if anything’s true
I’m somewhere in-between Canaan and Egypt
A place called the wilderness

God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize

I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness

Hello.

All Too Human

I have such a high degree of pride. I try to make comments like "I'm so tired of humanity" or "Wow, glad I didn't have much faith in human beings to loose" as if somehow I am separate, somehow different and not made of the same material...as if I wasn't an amphibian...partly living my life in the physical and part in the spiritual.

I think there is this sadistic streak of megalomania running through my mind so I can continue to justify so how selfish of a life I live, somehow justify the fact I waste so many resources when the majority of the world's population lives in Hell on Earth.

There is this fear of facing who I really am and as long as I do not let anyone else see him then I do not have to. I have grown so good at this job of living hypocrisy that I have myself fooled.

I mean, the world is a stage right? We don't have a say about going out on it but we do have a choice about who we play and I try so desperately to not be me. Every time I open my mouth I spew forth the sort of nauseating trash that any good that comes of me isn't me...it is the living One who has killed the finality of death.

It feels so tainting to realize that all of us have the exact same potential of good and evil. None of us are as unique as we want to think we are...because when you strip away all of these outside thoughts...we have the exact same blood, the same need, mostly the same wants...we segregate ourselves into like minded community so we do not have to face the fact we are vastly inept and codependent creatures needing to leach off of one another so survive.

And the greatest thing, to my shame, is being able to manipulate truth without even realizing it. I speak in half truths because my mind is much too hazy to even think straight and I can distract people from the full portrait of my collective failure by telling them just enough for them to see me, then everyone can stop and admire my honesty, my truth, my struggle, my agony I put on display on here as a freak show. The only difference is I don't get paid for showing off the ugliness of my soul. The wretch that I am under these clothes and this skin.

That is the problem...this isn't unique...some of us are just damn good actors able to hold things together long enough to earn a paycheck and cash it before we kill ourselves by drowning in our self loathing hypocrisy.

Despite me inability to feel genuine compassion for anyone outside of my self driven narcissism...I still feel the pain embodied in people's souls...it is a bucket of ice cold water that renews my self hate and guilt. Realizing that people are actual sentient beings...real people...full of real pain, real emotions, real disappointments, real weakness, real tears, real problems...real. Dangerously real, painfully real...and the answers feel so cheap and hollow when they are in context.

It is just...painful and real...something I do not enjoy seeing...especially when I'm put into the context of other people...it means coming clean about my ego, my self appointed god over the masses...able to call people out for their fake life...all the while I hide behind Jesus using him just as much as anyone else has. I don't want him ruling or being righteous, or loving others...because that means I am just as wrong, just as broken, just in need of His love. His correction, His grace, His touch...it means more then just confessing...but putting life into perspective after living for myself in the ways I've learned how from a life of self appointed hypocrisy.

But that is the horrific beauty of the situation...I can continue to berate myself in this public way...but no one can no what these words mean...except me and the Ineffable One, it's only between us two. This plays out in public because I'm fool enough to actually tell people what I think and feel...I can't help it...it's weird...it's the sickness of self and just how much I hate living two lives...unable to reconcile everything around me and within me with the life around me.

I'm so tired of the cold and wet making me shiver in this desolation of the soul...I'm so tired of making the same idiotic decisions for years at a time...wasting my life and Your time...it feels like the best I can do is say I'm sorry, I'm sorry and please love me, hold me close once again and pull me up from this wasteland I keep finding myself in again.

I just want to run away, to go away from everything...to just find myself in a desert where all I can do is just lay myself bare, pull off the hypocritical lies I wear as my clothes, pull myself apart, just lay here and know what sacrifice means, to know what truth is...to know that when I bleed and feel pain...it's just the same as anyone else...no one is above anyone...we are all made equal before this Throne and words fall short yet again...how wonderful, how vast, how incredibly without beginning and end is Your love...your nature.

Even in this darkness, even with the contempt I hold towards people...keeping them at arms length just so I can justify everything I do not want to be true...there is ample love...the end isn't here, just the beginning.

No matter the darkness, no matter how shockingly real this pain is...love carries, love redeems, love wins over this life, over this broken and twisted world that holds no sense. I can only cling to this in lost hope that no matter how dark the night, no matter how much I resent help, no matter how much I want to be by ,myself, no matter how much I hate you...that as I lay here dying in the addicted narcissism of my soul, of this dying body...of this broke and weeping soul...that You have carried me through this night and the sunrise is coming. That I curse and hate you doesn't matter...that I've screamed my throat raw telling You how much You are wrong...that this creation is wrong, that You have failed...you hold me in love, you made me in love and you will carry me from this world in love. Love.

Words fall short...that fall short time and time again.
I have nothing I can say to express understanding of this grace.
Just draw near again, make me clean, make me see life as it is and how it can be. Forgive my doubt and hate. Just, thank you. Thank you.

"Carry Me Down" - Demon Hunter

It is becoming so difficult to distill everything down. So much so that it is becoming agitating...I don't know how the heck I'm supposed to write all this when I can't even focus my mind on one thing.

Gargh.

Various Videos Featuring Josh Dies of Showbread

Blank Canvas

There is so much of my mind right now that is just so empty and fuzzy right now. It is so hard to focus or anything.

It is so annoying...so frustrating right this moment.

"Yahweh" - U2