And...things become weirder by the day...

Hi Me.

Nothing in particular.

Just saying hi.

Bah.
Why must fast food be addictive?
Such delightfully unhealthy tastes and convenience.
Oh well, back to the nom of raw vegetables.
Woo.

A week into this new year.
My sinuses still have not recovered...but are almost back to their normal levels of irritated mess.
Silly doctors do not know how to return phone calls.

Plus side for work.
Speaking of work...

*Dataentryninjavanishbomb*

What IS it with you people and slash?
Furthermore, what the HELL is WRONG with you people?
...and slash?

That may be the single greatest reason why I am glad to not be published and there to be so few who know of my characters.

The very thought that someone would take mine...and do that with.
Ick.
Shudder.

The dark wind howls.

Things are changing.

And so they shall here.

Very soon.

Me being judgmental...oh the irony of that one...

Oh RP, are you Lonesome Tonight?

I think, think, think I am feeling better.
Am a bit sad I can't join my old Faction mates from The Matrix Online, on The Old Republic, but I'll live.

That would require the game, monthly payments and odds are a new gaming rig...far too much for my tiny budget right now.

I miss the stories, the constant story making process and being able to create on the fly.

That is what I love about Tabletop RPG's but there is something about the MMO that makes it easier to let go and make a character as a character. You aren't limited by your physical abilities of making sound, voices and movements...but can narrate and make what is really in your mind.

I miss playing Ninten and Lord Squishy so much.
I think both can fit into the Star Wars universe but if they can, it can wait.
Either someone is going to have to be a digital Sugar Daddy for me and buy me the game and help with getting the hardware or I'm going to have to treat this like my PlayStation 3 and save, save, save, save and hope for the best.

Regardless, I'll live without that particular avenue of story outlet.
World of Warcraft is something I only miss because it involved one of the most amazing people in the world and I happened to meet her via the game. It's strange how the digital world can sometimes lead to life changing experiences in this flesh and blood one.

Part of me wants to dive back into Azeroth, or maybe Middle-Earth.
Just to be able to let go of the current stressers I have and focus on story.
At this point most of the fanatical people will be moved on from the lowbie areas I have come to live in.

Well...just a thought.
I'm going to keep missing the old times in those games like I do rocking out with Forged in the Fire and Forgotten Purpose.
It's memories.
Neither bad nor good by themselves.
And I have the most important friendships and love from those times in my heart.
Which I will never forget.
And carry with me from now until eternity.
Where Love will be made complete.



Also, why did I have the weird dream about RP and The Old Republic?
Strange.
I miss those Mxo people too much...

Better...better...better...

"So ya thought ya
Might like to go to the show
To feel the warm thrill of confusion,
That space cadet glow.
Tell me, is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

"Is There Anybody Out There?" - Pink Floyd

"What Shall We Do?/ Empty Spaces" - Pink Floyd

I want to sleep.
Rather badly.
Not insomnia or worry.
Not the nagging feeling of being incomplete.

Not too long ago I had this ridiculous and silly idea that somehow another human being could bring me completion.

No human being cares beyond their immediacy.
It is how we are hard wire.
The few who do not are rightfully looked as being insane.

I wish I could regress into being more simple.
Infinitely more shallow.
Just focus on me.
Making things for me.
Not trying to fix so much.
Flee from stupid decisions and bad ideas.

I keep trying to be someone I am not.
I never was.
I never can be.
Someone I do not want.

Look me in the eyes.
If you can see.
You will know.

The eyes are a window to the soul.
But, look and see
because I'm not sure
what could be.

So many racing thoughts.
Voids.
Incomplete dialogue.
Harsh language.
Hatred.
Lusting over neediness.
Loathing.
This paled moonlight reflecting in my mirror.
Seeing everything.
Feeling nothing.
Want everything.
Being nothing.

So much conveyed.
So much darkness in song.
Something in light.
Pale ramblings pretending to be.
Again.
Again.
Again.

The water can flow.
Blood can pour.
Nothing will change the past.
This endless chasm between us and the pain.
It all feels like rambling lies.

Touch my face.
Feel the porcelain.
The painted on smile.
Sardonic glint in my eyes and all.

I don't think you could see behind this
if you clawed,
pulled
and tore
this damnable cage off.

Because you simply can't see the things
you never wanted
and feel the things
that may have been
or not.

New Years Day

Happy New Year.
Or something.
Things.

Words are not working right now.
But it's a new day.
A new year.
A new world in theory.

Despite all the negatives, pain, loneliness and distances...it was an unexpectedly mostly pleasant Christmas.

"Thank God it's Christmas" - Queen

"Thank God it's Christmas"

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.
This one time of the year.
This one day.
Just a few short hours.
So much hope.
So many things and so many ways life could have been.

And here we are.
And here we are.

There is some sort of awkwardly asinine idiocy of finding ways to justify misery or creating misery in God's name.

I am sick of this hole.
And the pain.
All of the evil that is in and of here.

I could stay here.
Could live here.
Remain in misery and never change.

Or force myself to keep going.
Embrace the pain and not stop.

Morning? Morning.

That was so long ago.
Fading viridian,
and entwining lies with reason.

Another Me that I am not sure of,
never really knowing who it was
or might,
could have been.

Pain, hollow evenings
full of confusion
and poor decisions
spurned by pain.

I'm not sure who I was
or who I might become,
but I'm willing to claim that pain.

For once,
for what seems the first time
in memories stretching back,
there is a time
where I can let go
and be free of myself.

The Darkness,
the crippling hate of myself
and the self sabotage.

"Main Theme: Howl's Moving Castle" - Joe Hisaishi

Well that was a long nap.
And now...missed everyone I was wanting to talk to.
Bahness.

Plus side, Christmas Eve.
Even with how silly, painful, ridiculous and overbearing life is...there is at least some beauty.

"You’ve got a cause now, I heard you braggin’.
Always the fastest one on the bandwagon.
So sit down and I’ll tell you, what I’m feeling,
what I am feeling.
For a lack of better words you are stealing,
you are stealing,
all of my joy away from me.
What ever happened to our unity?

We cut ourselves, our own limbs we've severed.
It's time for us to pull together and stand, as one.
All eyes are turning towards the Son.
Drop your fists now, what you resent.
Let's not forget who we represent.
And fall to our knees in unity.

Another day now, another doctrine,
another monkey wrench in the system.
Some folks kneelin', some just listen,
some fallin' out of the pews from twistin'.
I don't care kinds, how you do it.
United we'll stand and we'll pull through it.
All were dead once.
All enslaved.
Now pull together 'cause we've all been saved.

The only Jesus this world's gonna see,
is the Jesus in you and me.
So pick your cross up, stop your swingin'.
Stop and look at the stink you're bringin'
to this body with your fighting,
you bust more more knuckles that the wrongs your righting.
What's important, is where we relate,
it's the meaning of the word Amalgamate."

"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift,
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way,
When crippling anguish clouds our sight,
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth,
Set their claws to bring the night

Hold on,
Hold tight

Darkness can’t perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
And though its wings may cloud the skies,
The dark shall never overcome

Light of the world,
Your love, has never failed

And these frail hands,
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words,
Can never say what cannot be surpassed

I need your love,
And most of all I want to feel your peace,
I need your love,"

Meh.