"We're all trapped in a maze of relationships
Life goes on with or without you
I swim in the sea of the unconscious
I search for your heart, pursuing my true self"

Psalm 75

"It is God alone who judges;
he decides who will rise and who will fall."
-Psalm 75:7

I wish I had more to say.
Things are so vague.
So blank.
Washing out and falling away.
Wondering, wonder and hope.

Quote of the Day:

“When Catholicism goes bad it becomes the religion of amulets and holy places and priest craft; Protestantism, in its corresponding decay, becomes a vague mist of ethical platitudes.”
– C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day:

"There have been men before … who got so interested in proving the existence of God that they came to care nothing for God himself… as if the good Lord had nothing to do but to exist. There have been some who were so preoccupied with spreading Christianity that they never gave a thought to Christ."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 72

^"He will rescue the poor when they cry to him;
he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
He feels pity for the weak and the needy,
and he will rescue them.
He will redeem them from oppression and violence,
for their lives are precious to him."
-Psalm 72:12-14

So much heart-wrenching irony.

I wish I had answers for everything and everyone.
Or at least myself.
It seems the path to recovery is full of falling down, scraping my knees, fighting by tears, getting up and continue to walk on in despite of the pain.

When you rip away the titles the self serving gibberish and all the lies we tell to ourselves in order to justify what we do...we are more frighteningly alike than we would ever care to admit.

That leaves me responsible for me.
Accepting.
Forgiving.
Moving.
Loving.
Me.

Change is so terrifying.
So beautiful, so terrifying, so wonderful.
All at once.
Thanks for being a King and a God who knows what reality, what humanity is...for being God and man at once...full Theos and fully human bound flesh...enigma and paradox...so much love.

My heart cries out for You.
Nothing else is real.
Everything else is fading.
Thank You for never giving up on me.

Ask a stupid question...

"Highschool of the Dead"

You know, I am not entirely sure what I expected.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin

Giving, Living, Wishing while Adrift in this boat

If I speak,
will you listen?
If I screamed,
could you hear?

Distance is making reality dimmer
as the hope tunes out
with static glistens
air waving like it simmers.

Lips forming words
and breath giving life
as they stream,
pouring out of my soul
and still you cannot hear
just like plunging a sword
stirring up the strife
and still I dream.

Mixing metaphors
and matching symptoms
just so I can justify bleeding
out of my heart
and onto this page.

Minimizing pleasure
while maximizing the pain,
seems I became masochistic
did that happen overnight?

I offer all I offer
and say all I say.

Pretentious poem
begging for answers
just as well
the poet
doesn't have the tools
or means
of fixing this
machine
as it falls,
falters
and falls apart.

"And so one morning just before dawn you came
And so with the dawn you've come

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you"

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3


Refuge and strength.
Security and strength.
Support and safety.
These things...and more.
I need them.
I miss them.
I do not know if I ever had them.

It's like I am living life in this fog.
And confusion.
The road to healing is a long and painful one.
But far from impossible.

I feel more hope now than I have in a long time.
Despite the pain, the exhaustion and the want to hide.
In spite of circumstances and pain I have and will hope.

Every time I have tried quitting I have had Jesus drag me back.
Again.
And again.
So I will continue to hope.
I am loved.
And wanted by my Beloved.

There are so many good things, wonderful and beautiful things.
With my body and mind starting to heal I think I will be able to see them.
This is just going to be a lifetime process.
Adjustments to my life and lifestyle.

Hope beyond hope.
Love beyond love.
My Beloved is mine and I am His.
He has sought me through the darkness and Hell.
The imposed isolation and fear.
And carried me, carried me so far.
Hallelujah.

Psalm 44

" Rise up! Help us!
Ransom us because of your unfailing love."
- Psalm 44:26

Things feel so dry.
It doesn't help I'm hurting to the point where focusing feels almost impossible.
I want to hide.
Find a place to let the rocks fall on me.
So I will never have to deal with this life again.

But that is the old me.
The person I never want to be again.
The weakness, the fear, the inability to act and the desire to never confront or deal with things.

But there is hope.
Even in pain.
And darkness.
Hope eternal.

The Beginning of the End

I want to quit.
Exhausted.
Sick.
Hurt.
Pain.
Tired.

Too much hinges on succeeding.
Free will exists.
I can quit.
But I refuse.

All this pain.
All this sorrow.
It has a reason.
I may have to help define it but it will not have been in vain.

I may hurt.
I may not understand.
But I will not be stopped.

This battle is not finished.
I will not leave it incomplete.
This will not end here.
Every ending is a new beginning.

This pain will be.
And it will not overcome.

Silly, oh so silly.

Hatred isn't nice.
But so isn't imposing yourself either.

Feel free to replace hate with seething rage because of having to deal with an entire house of drunk people and just wanting to cry from hurting so much and...therapy hurts so much despite the healing.

Psalm 41

"“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:4

This Psalm is so violent and I am trying to stop thinking and feeling so...violent.
How much is permissible?
What is right?
How can justice be enforced without strength?
Is it ever right?

I'm so worn out.
No thoughts make sense.
I hope but not sure how.
Or what to hope for.

But hope I shall.

I hate people.
Too much stress.
Too much irresponsible stupidity I am not in control of and have no desire to be.
I want to keep people safe.
Reduced to just the bare minimum.
The rest of you jerks can fend for yourselves.
Pull your broken drunk bodies out of the car wrecks and pick the glass out of you.

I'm not a savior.
I'm no hero.

"Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete"

Psalm 39

"We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth,
not knowing who will spend it.

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you."
-Psalm 39:6-7

Nothing is ever what it seems it will be.
Things rise and fall.
Spinning, falling hurting and breaking apart.
Crashing against this cold world
and pain is the reward for trying.



"The more the world puts in my mouth
The more I feel like throwing up
Found the way to freedom and I'm opening the door
The more they tell me how to care
The more and more I'm giving up
Afraid of God and life and death, I'm not afraid anymore

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you

There's a fire on the flag that makes you who you are
And I think my mask is starting to slip
And now that everything's breaking down
I think I'm getting a grip

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you"



Choosing to love.
Choosing to believe.
All in the light of how short life is, how little time we have, how much pain it will cause...requires a level of insanity.
To think love can be found, had and kept in this swirling chaos of broken hatred is pure madness...but a madness I choose to accept.

My mind, soul and ingrained habits tell me trying is futile.
To believe and hope is failure.
To try and pointless.
I am tired of being afraid.
I am tried of trying to handle all of this alone.
In some stupid misguided attempt at whatever.


"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"

Psalm 38

"I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.

You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh.
My heart beats wildly, my strength fails,
and I am going blind."
-Psalm 38:6-10

Contrary to the writer, I do not believe my frail and at times failing health is because of some specific sin, something akin to David's mistakes.

Sure I have original sin to thank for degeneration, aging, disease and clothing...but somethings simply have no single word or simplistic answers.

Yes...the depression, anxiety and PTSd are all related to various things...so many variables out of my hands...but so what?

I am an adult.
I have to take and be responsible even for things I never asked for in the first place.
All emotional, spiritual, mental angst and abuse may have not been intentional from some people...but the consequences and furthmore the pain is ALL REAL.

Not just delusions in my head.

Even the Fibromyalgia, the back/neck pain, migraines, muscle pain, insomnia and all the other physical manifestations are all valid and real as well.

I refuse to think I deserve this.
I refuse to think You Lord, do not love me.
I refuse to be a victim to the past, present or future.
Where I have made mistakes I will claim responsibility and deal with my crap.

"We are the few that won't say nothing right
We are the footsteps fading into the night
Nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and I say:
I never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
But they gave it to me so I might as well be proud of it
And I know I've done something wrong
All I know now is I got to do something... right"

I'm here.
I am alive.
I have survived.
I will continue to.
I will choose to love and be loved.
I need Your grace.
To push me, pull me, carry me, run with me and Love me.
I am weak, You are strong.
You are so beautiful and wonderful.

Thank You.
Thank you.

Perfection.

Heh.

What a psychotic and insane lie we tell ourselves.

Here goes something.

Psalm 37

"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7

Who else can save me from myself?
My heart is broken.
Who can know the inner workings of something so broken,
so prone to evil
and quick to hastily act and lead to destruction?

My soul aches for You.
I worry.
I fear.
I hurt.
How can I heal?
I want to let go of this millstone on my neck
and take up Your yoke.
Carry the burden of Your love and grace.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank You.
Thank You.

Your grace is beyond words.
And my soul finds rest in You.
I want to lean against You
and just fall in Your love,
float in the Grace that saved me,
that pulled my head from ignorance
and helped me gained this perspective.

I want to move forward.
To breath.
To live.
And live in You.

Psalm 37

Psalm 36

"Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds."
-Psalm 36:5

That love is my hope.
That is all.
That is only.

Nothing else, there is no Plan B.
There is nothing but hope.
So much pent up fear, doubt and shame...

And yet, so much hope.
So much fearful and needed hope.
To love at all...is risk pain.
To open up to the Infinite Gulf of God, so scary.
So painful.
So unexpected.

Words feel so inefficient and cheap.
But hope remains.
Even with my broken shell.

"Every time I know myself, I leave what I know behind"

Sheer paranoia and stupidity...making...head...hurt... #_#