So much freaking pain...it has a purpose...but seriously...threshold.

#_#

Note to self:

Adjust all of the ringtones so that instead of having a sooth melody that causes one to fall asleep, make the noise blaring and loud in order to not miss important phone calls.

Distance but Not Always Seeing

Eternity is a ship out of port
but it's a pathway stretching two ways,
from here until there
but why can I not see You today?

I'm holding my breath,
having anticipation
and anxiety
with such splendid pains
that keep me building towers,
all that I can look
with the hope
that You,
You may cross my line of vision
and I can let go
falling deeper in love with You.

Whispers of a long lost Muse
and nerve endings
digging in with fire burning claws,
screaming for a healing kiss
and a touch of peace,
but we live in a world of constant war,
pain and strife are dime a dozen
with sorrow on the sleeve.

I believe as I doubt,
hand in hands
holding tight as I run,
from here until eternity,
stretched out in pain
but hoping.

Fear and malady
as I let go
falling fast and free,
the wind in my hair
as I blow a kiss
with not a care
or ability to miss
whatever this life was supposed to be.

Instead it's in this moment
where I look and wander,
here...there...the key unlocks
and all this overflows.

This whole never ending chronic pain thing is simply becoming exasperating.

All the joints, and I mean all the blasted things, are hurting right now.

Wrists, fingers, knees, elbows, toes...it's not a joint but my freaking neck/head.

I am wanting to laugh my head off.

I am in so much pain that I honest to God would cry tears of joy for a shot of morphine...but I am laughing with tears because of how absurd it is for a twenty-four year old male with little "logical" reason for being in so much pain.

Jesus is utterly cracked and I am with Him on that notion.

Dim Echoes, Fading Lights

Not all memories are painful...but some are...

The one's I have lost.

Some to age, some to death...some far too young...and yet others beyond what I could have hoped...

...others to circumstances, distance and time...

I still think of you.
Pray for you...even though conversation seem to no longer be possible...
I have hope that we can speak one day.
Even if it's after this Age has passed.

I can wait.
Waiting is what I'm good at.
Right?
When the echoes of time fade...
...and all of the sparks grown dim.
When life as we have known is no more
and everything is healed
brought to life
and restored to its proper place.

Maybe,
just maybe
then,
you and I,
may walk beside the crystal sea.
Converse and feel the endless warmth
of eternal Love
and being healed.

"Hey you, standing in the road
always doing what you're told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall."

Meep.
Moorgle.
Bleh.
Merfh.

Things...are such a jumble mess...that I can't sort it all out in my mind...or on paper.

Not bad.
Not horrible.
Not the end of the world.

Just a confusing mess.
Somethings are quite clearly so idiotic that I can't bring myself to worry or feel insecure jealousy over.

This time, last year, I was busy digging myself a grave with depression, stupidity and well meaning intentions...

Silly waste of time.
Silly waste of effort.

I just can't bring myself to care.
About that at least.
What is the point of worry, when it concerns broken and flawed humans screwing up all they care to?

It is sort of amazing how destructive free will...and people's inability to cope with the 'need' to choose.

"Lived to death."?
A stock phrase purchased in the realm of stupidity.
Try learning for other people's mistakes before self-destruction becomes your best friend.

It's what I did and I am just smug enough to chuckle sadly while watching things and people burn down around me.

It's one of those sad, empty and distant chuckles...but a chuckle all the same....so fully of irony and being sardonic.

Meep.

So tired of feeling...sickness.

Plus side...new day, new sunrise...new hope and a chance...a chance for life.

Treading Softly at Night

Distance...so close and yet,
further and further it seems.

Dreams sliding in and out of reality
as causality takes the blame.

Unexpected visions of what to come
or mere lies in the mists of time?

...or maybe it's not too complicated.
Maybe my over thinking is the complication...

Amazing how I can do everything except for that which I truly want to do.

Life isn't a black and white...right or wrong sort of thing...but trying to understand my own thoughts, emotions, wants, needs...everything, any of it...is just so confusing...and painful.

Why do I always want to run away?
Hide away and not look back?
Lock myself away inside my own mind...and letting everything else slip?


Being human...is far too complicated.

"Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside"

"Nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care"

"In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

"Laugh until you cry, live until you die"

Organic Vehemence

So many thoughts.
So very many thoughts.
So few times I thought I understood love.
Just pale pinings out for a muse for my musings.

Out of place.
Out of time.
Out of sync with realities reality.

I see you across this vast ocean of stars,
diamonds twinkle in your eyes
and I just hold my breath for the untold,
cajoled and begging for an answer.

Perfection was never your case
and here I stand
divided by the ocean of time,
ebbs and eddies beckon out,
"Come forth, come forth and dance!
Dance this eternal waltz
and see where time may go!"

Seeing my every sin
like the posters on your wall
is making me hurt.
Turning my stomach
and bringing up the bile
just seeing your smeared make up
and the vile you spew.

Who said love can't hurt?
Who said to love is to lose is to lose?
If everything falls into place,
will you love me until the end
and until the end of this ocean?

Quite clearly, if checking one's voice mail causes them to almost breakdown crying, there might be underlying issues.

I want to write about the futility of love and emotions.
How it is all utterly pointless.
We are all going to die.
Every stupid human being is going to die.
Being married, having a family, taking care of others and being in school will have next to no meaning.

Death is an impossible wiping clean of the slate.

If there is "luck" to be found in faith, things will not be the same.

But still, everything as it is will be gone.
Dead.
Erased.
Burned.
Made new.

I don't enjoy the pain of my body.
Nor the fear and guilt in my mind.

Something new.
Something old.
And this world is broken and used.

I want to believe, hope in love...but my faith is so weak.
My emotions so scattered on the winds.
The easiest choice in the world would be self destruction.
Not temperance or choosing to not numb the pain.

Maybe it's righteousness.
Or maybe pure stupidity.

I miss...

It doesn't matter who I miss.
It all ends the same.
But...the hope is that the end isn't an end.

New beginnings, God I so desperately cling to that hope.
Nothing else makes any sense.
Has, can or will make sense.

Redacted Processes

I've got nothing at this late hour.
Just empty bottles and exhaustion...

I have reasons to smile,
a couple to cry
and every reason to live
and just a few to die.

What more can I write?
What else should I say?
The words were never mine,
the path was sometimes a choice
but everything
is heading to a climax,
something unseen.

I won't be sitting with the haughty,
laughing at the end.
I might just be in the background,
pushing on
and hoping to bring some help,
a touch of healing to this diseased world.

Words.
Words.
Words.

Proper use and abuse.
Too much and too little,
with everything You have ever seen and lived.

Dreams and poetry,
hope with broken wings,
flying over jagged glass
that has overflowed into waves.

Breathing can be difficult
from such dizzily heights
and hope for nothing and everything.

Isaiah 13

"Scream in terror, for the day of the Lord has arrived—
the time for the Almighty to destroy.
Every arm is paralyzed with fear.
Every heart melts,
and people are terrified.
Pangs of anguish grip them,
like those of a woman in labor.
They look helplessly at one another,
their faces aflame with fear."
-Isaiah 13:6-8

Yeah.
It's passages like these that make me feel awkward about Christian Pacifism.
Not to say it makes me feel it's okay for Christians to act on anger and violence but this passage illustrates that as much as I like to think of God's love, mercy, compassion, forgiveness and grace...that there comes a limit to where God will no longer hold back.

I can't help but feel eternal judgements are not something that catches the person off guard...if there is not that willingness to reject Christ, the Gospel and God's love...then where is the justice?

Ultimately God is just and I am not.
He is Holy and I am not.
He is Truth and I am playing at being a scholar of something I scarcely can grasp.

War, disasters, pain, famine, disease, genocide, hatred, destruction all happen...will happen, have happened and will continue to happen...and I don't think it's too far off base to say that is not how God works...this Age...to show judgement, at least until The End.

This is a fallen world...my heart is overflowing with sin, lust, hate, guilt, remorse and God only knows what else.

God doesn't delight in this death and destruction.
Jesus weeps for His lost children.
But He will not be mocked and let evil go unpunished.

It's not about a list of right/wrong and getting enough salvation points...it's about us being hopelessly trapped in this circle of hate/abuse and it taking Jesus, fully God and fully man, giving up His life as a sacrifice for us.

Not just death...blood for more blood...but a final act to bring redemption and salvation to this broken world.

Broad strokes to help start the fixing, the healing...that in the next Age will be complete.

Words and exhausted thoughts.
Meh.
Meep.

Can I blame others for their happiness?
No.

Can I blame them for their miseries?
No.

All I can do is look, see, touch and experience what little my filters will allow me.

Too much thought for too little sleep and too much demented.

Hours of reading, thinking, processing and just wishing things could be easier for others...and wishing I could send emails with regret or confusion.

I want to be understood but sometimes not at all.
Jesus is the only One who knows all of me.
And I suppose that is the best.
Trust is a fickle thing.
The jagged pain of sharing and being honest jut out.

If only it was as simple as playing pretend.

Contextualized Fallacy

I suppose in a way it does but does not matter.
Too much time for thoughts...
Kind of annoying how pain/illness does that.
Prevents sleep of a tired mind, adding to the irrationality of it all.

It's so painful to talk...
Open.
Close.
This heart is broken.

I cannot be sure the fight is worth it.
The sacrifice and pain will justify the end.
It's the means that bothers me.

Simple and broken.
Maybe one day the pain can end.
Healing can begin.

Wishful thinking.
Prayers lost and never found.
Hope.

But I have looked into the darkness.
Seen the terrors that live there.
I cannot boast for I saw only pale reflection,
the fate of one without love.

Hope remains.
The slow heartbeat of confusion.
Trying to force life where there is none.

Simply said, I do not belong.
This should never have been
and yet it was.
It is.
It shall be.

Some feelings...some thoughts...

Seem so futile, so pointless...

Are they?