Outside of hope...what else do I have?

Quote of the Day:

"Nothing is yet in its true form."
-C.S. Lewis

This...this might be the greatest of hopes I have read in the longest of times.

Isaiah 4

"Then the Lord will provide shade for Mount Zion
and all who assemble there.
He will provide a canopy of cloud during the day
and smoke and flaming fire at night,
covering the glorious land.
It will be a shelter from daytime heat
and a hiding place from storms and rain."
-Isaiah 4:5-6


I can't imagine "That Day".
It seems so far away.
Like a dream.
Something passing.

My pains, my burdens, my sin, my shame...
All the pain in my life.
Just brushed away.
My tears wiped away.
The blood cleaned off.
Every sin washed clean.
My soul freed, my shame lifted away.

It's more than a dream.

Quote of the Day:

"When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'"
-C.S. Lewis

Isaiah 3

"On that day of judgment
the Lord will strip away everything that makes her beautiful:
ornaments, headbands, crescent necklaces,"
-Isaiah 3:18

It's a weird verse to focus on.
But, God is systematic and knowledge in what He does.
With punishment, judgement...this idea of stripping things away...these ornamental things that distract and weigh down...

Maybe by ripping away these precious trinkets it does something else?
It removes the burden?
It forcibly takes what we make into idols?
It makes us have to give up and see what we can see otherwise?

I can hope the pain won't last forever.
That the love will be quick to come and redeem me.
That the isolation and pain won't endure forever...
That this dark night will and can end...

Love, Love, Love.



"I am walking blind
So distracted that I don’t even feel when You hold me
When did I grow such thick skin
You are my sunshine and rain
My joy and sweet pain
I’m a spotless stain
That boy is gone
But nobody moves me like You do
When I remember

A cold moves in, rain falls, thunder strikes
And sunshine breaks through the clouds
I can cry out of sorrow and joy
Every drop of rain turns into a crystal in the sun
So wash my eyes, my clothes, my skin, my bones, my soul
My feet, my Love
I’m not forgotten
I’m in Your thoughts cause I feel sunshine in the rain

To this day nobody moves
Nobody
Nobody moves me like You"

Isaiah 2

"People from many nations will come and say,
“Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord,
to the house of Jacob’s God.
There he will teach us his ways,
and we will walk in his paths.”
For the Lord’s teaching will go out from Zion;
his word will go out from Jerusalem.
The Lord will mediate between nations
and will settle international disputes.
They will hammer their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks.
Nation will no longer fight against nation,
nor train for war anymore."
-Isaiah 2:3-4

I'm too tired to think much...
I just am so tired of internal conflict.
Win wars that matter but leave me broken and unable to move.

So tired of hurting.
There is healing, hope and peace...
It's just...when?
How long is the waiting?
How long staying here and hoping?

I don't want marketing, cookie cutter religion and all the sell out deals waiting there...I just want truth, to cling to it, love and be loved...to refuse to shut down when all the pain says otherwise...

There is inevitable conflict and it all raises and will reach a climax...

Holding onto hope...what more do I have?
Faith that this isn't pointless or a needless exercise...
There is hope, faith and love.
It will endure.
You endure when I do not.
You are strong and I am not.

What point is there in me to stay, unless You are here?
I'm not sure how to pray anymore.
Just this stream of thoughts.
Hard to focus.
Refine anything.
Take what You can, refine and make me new.
You are all I have.

You know it's going to be an interesting day when after you wake up and your first thoughts are "Wow, I wonder if I would be in as much pain if I would have fallen down four flights of stairs instead of trying to have slept." #_#

"The weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
as i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
but my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
i lay in this field by Judas and anticipate the plow,
i can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
for those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved,
and where would i fit Jesus?
what place is left for me?
the price of atonement is more than I've found to offer up as my plea,

Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

God, some help with writing would be amazing...
I feel like I'm lost in this Forest of uncertainty and doubt about who You are, who I am and what I was put here to do...

"there's something like a nothingness that's terribly illusive
the more i want to shut me down the more i am abusive
and when i watch the slideshow of the bits of me i'm dragging
i don't recognize the photographs, i'm not sure when (and if) they happened

i forget the me that i must have been before the me that i am now
i remember a year that i got through, but i don't remember how"

Everything is flying by at such an absurd pace...
Will I be here a year from now?
Or will I be in Your arms, never to fear again?

I want to learn to forget and push past the pain of now...so many, so many...and so maybe, just maybe I can be a little further when the time comes...

I want to make You proud.
Silly as it is.
Silly as it will always be.

I really need to get around to figuring out what this blog is about...going since 2007 with no real course and you can tell...hrmm...

Isaiah 1

"“What makes you think I want all your sacrifices?”
says the Lord.
“I am sick of your burnt offerings of rams
and the fat of fattened cattle.
I get no pleasure from the blood
of bulls and lambs and goats."


"Wash yourselves and be clean!
Get your sins out of my sight.
Give up your evil ways.
Learn to do good.
Seek justice.
Help the oppressed.
Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows.

“Come now, let’s settle this,”
says the Lord.
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
I will make them as white as wool."
-Isaiah 1:11, 16-18


So many words, so many things...how much of any of this makes any sense at all?

I am so tired.
I feel so sick.
My soul is troubled and I'm weighed down by worries, concerns and wanting to help...but I can't even help myself.

I feel so lost and misplaced.

At church today, I felt You.
I felt you in the prayers, in the music, in seeing people come to You and worship...there was an atmosphere of acceptance...even though I wandered around like a lost lamb...no, lost goat.

Point being...I don't have any sacrificial offerings I can give You.
Just my heart.
Broken, confused and battered...second hand and falling apart.

You have seen me, you see right into me...for you all my insides are displayed...all the good, bad and ugly parts...everything I hate about myself and everything I am ashamed of.

I just...need, crave and want to be loved.

The Darkness is there.
Within me.
Outside my window.
Waiting.
Thinking.
Growing.
Thriving in every recess of my heart that I won't break open.

My sins are too numerous to recount and I just...want to find peace.
If I could sleep that would be something.
Instead, I ache...I hurt.
So much pain.
So tired.

I've got nothing.
Nothing at all.

If you can make this real, make this grace alive in me...help me.
Help me to take that first step.
Help me love, help me do the right thing...I've got nothing left.
I'm just holding on and hoping.

That...is depressingly ironic.

Song of Songs 8

"Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm.
For love is as strong as death,
its jealousy as enduring as the grave.
Love flashes like fire,
the brightest kind of flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
nor can rivers drown it.
If a man tried to buy love
with all his wealth,
his offer would be utterly scorned."
-Song of Songs 8:6-7


I think this might be my favorite section of the book...just the flowing poetry...

The idea of comparing love to be as strong and enduring as our own finite and inevitable morality has such...odd yet interesting...

This life is limited but...and yet...this is not the end.
As silly, impossible, sad, painful and broken as things are...
There is hope.
Wonderful, impossible, impractical and unexpected hope.

Finding reality in a tension between rigid religion and free flowing spirituality...
Finding love, purpose, grace and hope in infinite and unexpected Love.

Quote of the Day:

"We shall not cease from exploration and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started... and know the place for the first time."
-T.S. Elliot

Why do I care so much about things which are not my concern?
At all?
Not my life.
Not my things to consider.
Not my things that I have control over or that I should.

Thoughts...things, so many things that do not, cannot and should never matter...

Just dancing in endless circles.
Driven by pain.
I just want to find a place to hide away for all time.

"Humankind cannot bare very much reality."
So true Mr.Elliot.
So...utterly true...

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Song of Songs 6

“Who is this, arising like the dawn,
as fair as the moon,
as bright as the sun,
as majestic as an army with billowing banners?”
-Song of Songs 6:10

Why did I start reading this book?
This is really the absolute last thing in the world I really need or want to think about, consider or worry about...

I forgot how...er to the point the language is.
Poetic but very erotic.
I like poetry but not so much the eroticism...I'm twenty-four, a virgin, a still too young for this sort of thing.

That verse, I didn't pick it because of deep meaning, but because it was one of the few poetic passages without excessive and at times over the top sexual meaning.

Sexuality isn't bad.
I just don't want to deal with it.

Hugs, hand holding, getting coffee, walks in the park...all the sort of thing is as deeply romantic as I want to get.

Everything else is just a headache induing complication that I really am not sure is possible or capable of being sustained...humans are so fickle, so prone to evil and broken...

...but God chases after us, that to me is what makes the beauty of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection so...insane.

Not only does He give blood to atone for our sin, cause the veil separating us from the Holy of Holies to be ripped down...He then proceeds to send Christians out to share love but doesn't wait for us to get it right...

He shows up in our lives, seemingly everywhere just whispering Love and Grace to our broken natures, our abilities to screw up...

Whereas we have religious leaders, parents, teachers, family and others willing to scream at us for messing up...Jesus whispers love. His Love is the unending hurricane of endless passion that refuses to let us alone.

The choice is all ours to make...but His passion and chase is unrelenting.
Something that I have trouble grasping but Love is Love.
Even in this book...

So many thoughts, incomplete hopes...wonders and wonder.

...still tired.

I sense a running theme here...

So...so....so...tired.
Yikes.
#_#

Song of Songs 3

"Promise me, O women of Jerusalem,
by the gazelles and wild deer,
not to awaken love until the time is right."
-Song of Songs 3:5

Every time I think love of any type, anyway is impossible and beyond my broken and bitter soul...You surprise me.

The doorway to my soul refuses to slam shut and be locked off from the world.
I'm much too exausted to make sense of anything at this hour...

Except...Love will win.
The Darkness will not overcome.
I have Hope that is growing...prayers that nothing goes too fast...and that time falls into place as it will...

Twice?
Twice.

The same stupid paper that was lost on my laptop was just eaten by Word.

Time for a third attempt while laughing madly the entire time.

Song of Songs 2

"Catch all the foxes,
those little foxes,
before they ruin the vineyard of love,
for the grapevines are blossoming!"
-Song of Songs 2:15

Since 'Song of Songs' is right after 'Ecclesiastes' it seemed to make sense to just read into that, since I haven't touched some of the wisdom/poetry books in a couple of years.

I don't understand people.
I've sort of come to the understanding that I don't understand and that may be for the best.

I have accepted I live in another world altogether...a world of anticipating the Coming Age, the fading away of illness and pain, the death of death...and the hope that my Love will return and right this broken world.

Song of Songs is weird in that it encapsulates so much of the paradox and duality in life...male and female, temporal and eternal, God and man, the divine and creation...this love poem of a broken king and broken servant girl.

The thing I have learned most about people, relationships and family...is no one is perfect, no one has their act together and on the best of days we are just smiling and trying to just survive...

So it's okay.
It's not okay to accept failure and give up...but it is okay that eventually bad things will happen.
Promises will be broken.
Lovers will be hurt.
Lies will happen.
Sin is death and sin is at all of our doorsteps.

Nothing can excuse sin but grace can forgive it and make having to face the consequences more bearable.

I hate those stupid little foxes.
They are the small problems that sneak in and nip at the roots of life, the small pains that grow if they are ignored...

It feels like so much of my life revolves around having to beat them off and just try and find a moment to rest, to breath...to leave this insanity.

I just...
I'm tired and know there is hope, know there is a reason and will be okay...this isn't the end...it's just hard to hold on...hard to keep focus...

There is never a reason to despair and lose all hope...but sometimes it's a struggle not to.

Quote of the Day:

""Milton was right…" The choice of every lost soul can be expressed in the words "Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven." There is always something they insist on keeping even at the price of misery…"
-C.S. Lewis

Ecclesiastes 12

"The words of the wise are like cattle prods—painful but helpful. Their collected sayings are like a nail-studded stick with which a shepherd drives the sheep.

But, my child, let me give you some further advice: Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out.

That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad."
-Ecclesiastes 12:11-14

Words.
There are a lot of those floating around...
...in my mind, my soul, this stupid blog and everything...

Words.
Words.
Words.

Action?
Meaning?
Hope?
Love?
Giving?
Living?
Sacrifice?

What does it look like to love?
What does it look like to give until it hurts?
What does it mean to be a Christian in a white middle class world that revolves around money, plans, ambition and taking what you can get while you get it?

I want to know what it is like to know Christ, to know Him crucified and to die...I want the shallowness in my soul to be ripped out from me and have it pass before me into the flames...so maybe, just maybe I can finally stop living to die...and begin dying so that I might live.

Looking in the mirror...sometimes I see myself and don't know who I am.
I don't know if my younger self would recognize me...and what would it matter if I did...or did not.

We run around.
We live.
We cry.
We die.
All of it to amplify...

All it to amplify what?
What is it my life is saying?
Whom do my tears fall for?
Who does my limited resources go to feed, to cloth and to encourage?

There are precious few answers which are simple, which make any sense in this stupid life of compromise and neutral areas.

But Love does.
Love wins.
Christ loves you, loves me and desires for the both of us to be still and listen.

Elijah went into the desert to flee the wrath of Ahab and Jezebel.
He laid in the desert in despair despite "winning" at a religious competition.
God told him to get up and be ready because HE was going to pass by.
Elijah took shelter in the cave.

Wind, fire and destruction passed by the cave...and it was not God.
God was the gentle whisper to come after the destruction.

Our lives have meaning.
Our choices matter.
In the dark, in the confusion, the middle of the night is the still small voice of God whispering love, grace and peace...again, again and again.

Even while trapped in a Hell on earth can grace be found.

There is so much more to see, heard and understood that any can process...

Yet this Love, this fact, this facet is all I can see that matters.
Everything else pales.
Everything else is passing.
The only thing I except to really recognize outright from now until the depths of Eternity is this Love.

It will no longer be pale.
It will no longer seem dim.
The roaring flames of God will continue to melt, refine and embrace my broken self...and this eternal Love will continue and we'll walk by the sea.

"That's what I love about Torchwood. By day, you're chasing the scum of the universe, come midnight you're the wedding fairy."
-Ianto Jones