God, I need to write.
I need to get these thoughts out.
Writing feels like one the last avenues I have.
I can do that decently and sometimes do something good.
Maybe even something that is right.

"Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry."


" Gloria, in excelces deo.
Glory, gloria.

Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.

I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling.

Your love,
Your mercy,
Your light unending.
Your hope,
Your peace,
Your strength my heart is mending."

Alter of the Soul

Well...I think I manged to slam that door on my own face.
Do I at least get some sort of bonus points for trying to be a team player and sacrificing stupid thoughts that never should have been there in the first place?

All these circles.
Endless cycles.
Life is brief.
Painful and beautiful at times.

Sometimes I wonder if the answer it to become more stoic, more denial...or just give up and start wandering around.

I wonder how/if any good I am able to be with and to others...

The hour is late and too many thoughts...too many what if's...too may regrets about wasted time...and the need to go beyond mere feelings of sentiment...to casting everything in with Jesus and just letting go of everything.



If I put my health, my loneliness, my desire for a mate, my fears, my failings, all of my relationships...all of these broken and painful things...if I set them on this alter like you want me to...will you be here to step into the void I will have?

If I finally begin to trust, ask me to do all in Scripture...will that mean I might feel your peace...your strength, your grace and glory?

So often I am not sure I can see myself...but I know You are here...please, please, please do not leave my side.

Bargh.

How...can I be useful or helpful?

I just feel so useless...I know prayer is not useless...but I wish I could do more...more than give well wishes and prayers...but do the impossible and physically change things...for the better.

Quote of the Day:

"So it seems God is OKAY with killing, but gets ticked if openly gay people are allowed to participate. Hard to imagine a more bizarre deity."
-Greg Boyd

Broken Traffic Lights

Why do I care so much about little things that have no real value or meaning beside the petty and minute label I bestow upon them?

Why do I invest emotion and time into things that I know will wither, decay and be blown into the wind?

Why do I exhaust what little energy I have after being sick over something so temporal and fleeting?

Hope.
Faith.
Love.

Hope that despite the inward decay and pain, I will one day stand on distant shores.
Faith that the Love which has captivated me will follow through on every promise.
Love that is so weak and broken, but still I try to share.

The pain will never be avoidable as long as I am here.
I will stand.
It might seem absurd but even in my decay and pain, I refuse to quit.

Show me the frailty of my soul and the broken nature of my soul and I will smile.
The person who has lost everything is finally freed and capable of doing everything and anything.



I want to pretend I can be the apathetic bastard who shifts through life with no problem, using and discarding people left and right.

That isn't something I will choose.
The decay in my bones and taint in my blood will not make me betray that which I follow, the chivalry that demands I act.

Yes.
It's an inward struggle and battle.
But so is every important battle.


This heart is so weak, so small and dying.
But so capable of hope.

I will not quit.
But possibly I will fade.
Withdraw to heal.
Let the wounds be wrapped and soaked in hope.

So much time, all of it passing.
It will all be over soon.
Then I can go home.
No more pain, all the tears wiped away and love eternal.

Quote of the Day:

"Believe me, Doctor, the place is impregnable!"
" Never cared much for the word 'impregnable.' Sounds a bit too much like 'unsinkable.'"
"What's wrong with unsinkable?"
"'Nothing,' as the iceberg said to the Titanic!"
" What?"
"Glub glub glub...."
-Exchange between The Brigadier and The Doctor

I really need to read more.
Read the Bible and make notes.

I hate when I get out of that habit.
Psalms and Proverbs again...

Or.

Something...

Loser Penultimate Statement of my Life:

Sometimes I wish I could be The Doctor.
Just to be able to save the day.
And be her hero.

"No one knows your heart
And no one knows your fears
When no one solves the mysteries
Or even wipes away the tears

Can you hear the sound of laughter
From the other side of life?
There are days when I feel like a stranger sometimes
Tell me, are there any other fools like me?

This reliance on another world
Has a great effect on this world
This conscience of another world
Has a great effect on
Grace recollection

He doesn't love us 'cause of who we are
He only loves us 'cause of who he is

We all were children once
So will we return
So let those days return
Let us all return..."

Western Winds

Your cross and grace are more than I can bear...
This pain is too real and my soul cries for peace
in the middle of this struggle.

I know You,
I have known Your voice since I was a child,
a child so lost and confused
who didn't know which way to look.

You took my hand
and carried me,
brought me to this alien land
with such profane tongues.

When did I walk away?
When did I realize enough was never enough?

My soul is Yours to take
and my life is Yours to make,
in this storm
that is causing me to break.

"Don't go thinking I'm crazy
But I'm feeling your heartache
Your creation through your eyes
There is pain it's no mistake

Closer I get to you I see
Souls full of hurt, full of need
The closer I get I see less of me

And I feel like I could break
And, I feel like I could break
Lord, I know now it's getting late
Let my heart be broken by your heartache
And I feel like I could break
Now, it's more than I can take

'cause all of those times I ran away
From all of those things I used to say
And all of those pains I feel
Revealed to me"

Nightly Regression

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to dream.
I know I should hope and expect so much...
...but it hard to trust when the pain is vivid.

My faith is so shallow, so weak, so often...
How do you love me for me?
When it seems like all I can feel
and that all I ever do
is fall in this cycle,
this vicious pain
of a broken heart
and shattered dreams,
such silly poetry not even worth a second glimpse.

Do you see me when we both dream,
or is this yet another false tale
where distance is measured in heart beats
and I know there is no room for me?

Fun with Fibromyalgia

You know, that actually would be a good name for a British romantic comedy.

Whenever I find myself in a stressful situation that I have no real means of escaping I try to either shut down into silent mode or try to ease the tension with terrible jokes and/or stories.

I suppose one of the good things about going to a Christian university that I can bring the conversation right around to Jesus or something...but that is a bit cliche. Something I have struggled with finding some sort of understanding or meaning in all the pain in this world.

My senior research paper was on trying to deal with the idea of how a good God can exist when if you take off the blinders we wear and just look and see how fragile, how horrifying and how real the pain in this world is.

The more I reread the words of Jesus there is this intense longing and desire to follow...to just break my addiction to material things and actually bother to put my faith into the sort of dangerous practice that for all rights and "practical" purposes it seems inane.

Quote of the Day:

To endure the cross is not tragedy; it is the suffering which is the fruit of an exclusive allegiance to Jesus Christ”
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Every New Day" - Five Iron Frenzy

A friend is someone who will be there...no matter the time, the day, the situation...good times, bad times or when there has been miscommunication or a fight.

At least that is what I tell myself and possibly why I am seem to be so damn masochistic.

Why must thoughts and emotions be so confusing?
I understand now how drama works and why people pay money to see it...

...but that doesn't make it anymore enjoyable to live.

Bleh.

I just...

I want this seed of hope within my soul to grow.
To blossom and help me become so much more.

Wow that may have been the cheesiest thing I have ever written... o_O

Meh.
As Freddie Mercury once sang, "Who waits forever anyway?"

Sometimes it's nice to smile.
It's three AM and I am exhausted, but no matter what happens...no matter how bad I feel or how lame I seem when I inevitably compare myself to everyone else...I am my own unique brand of lame geekiness.

And that is okay.
That is wonderful.
I am my own and loved and wanted for who I am.
I don't have to meet someone's standards.
Those worth loving find me lovable because I was first loved by Him.

It's awesome.
In it's own weird ways.

I wish I could do a better job of going out of my way to show love to those who went out of their way to hurt me...but just...

Ack.
Irritation.

"So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion
That space cadet glow.
Tell me is something eluding you, sunshine?
Is this not what you expected to see?
If you wanna find out what's behind these cold eyes
You'll just have to claw your way through this disguise."

I would go on an angry tirade about how disgusted and tired I am of dealing with duplicitous hypocrites...but I am looking in the mirror right now.

I am what I hate.
Until I learn to love and accept myself, I cannot love God or other people.

Why is it so hard to let go of this millstone?
All of this shocking and frigid cold pain?

"The Fear of God" - Showbread

"It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.

Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled
And the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned."

Heh.
A month since that church blow up.
Irony much?

Oie.