Maybe things with my health will finally be under control after next week...it's either going to be a super increase of medication and more antibiotics...or they will just chop off the parts of me that are infected on the inside.

Not sure which one I want more...I just know I would like normality, to be able to talk without loosing my breath from pain...to sleep more than an hour or so at a time...maybe even just be able to break out and run full speed again.

I mean...things could no doubt be much worse...I am lucky that I only have to deal with physical pain and nausea...God knows if this was a type of cancer or flesh eating disease what I would be dealing with.

Instead it is a pain disorder mixed with an infection.


Still...can't help but be concerned...I really want to finish this semester and be healthier...maybe there will be a means and a way to do both...maybe...hopefully, hopefully.

So much ickness...I really, really, really hope I will be getting off of medications one way or another...I am already afraid I'm going to have severe issues with sleep again once this is all said and done.

At least I'm not addicted to anything or am in a position where I "have" to have pain medication...sure it would be nice to be able to skip around without excruciating pain...but where would the fun be in that?

I do believe the appropriate Princess Bride quote is "Life is pain princess! Anyone who says different is selling you something."

I figure I drag Jesus' name through the mud enough that there isn't much a need to actually try and overly associate him with this blog and my mad ravings...but it's like...with this pain...I think it is a chance to surrender and just make one step at a time...because I really have no other choice.

But really...I haven't been crawling as much as being dragged and eventually carried because of everything...everything...

Sleep?
What is that thing...

Quote of the Day:

"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect... but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff."
-The Doctor

Sometimes I feel stupid.
Quite stupid actually.

Hmm...strange, strange, strange...

Psalm 135

"Your name, O Lord, endures forever;
your fame, O Lord, is known to every generation.
For the Lord will give justice to his people
and have compassion on his servants."
-Psalm 135:13-14


Justice, such an interesting choice of words.
Justice...grace, this bizarre mix...we don't get what we deserve and never could deserve what we are given.

I'm afraid of...decisions, choices...the past...the future...

I just...need this love and compassion...because I am so tired.
So sick.
So worn down.

Can I just lay here...lay as your grace falls upon my soul?
Rain this love down on me...overfill my heart so that love pours through the breaks and cracks...overwhelming my situation...

There is something moderately disturbing about how listening to Nine Inch Nails while studying the Bible flows together so easily.

>_>

Quote of the Day:

"Writing fiction, especially a long work of fiction, can be a difficult, lonely job; it's like crossing the Atlantic Ocean in a bathtub. There's plenty of opportunity for self doubt."
-Stephen King

Droplets of Grace

Blissful anticipation.
Hope beyond hope.
Love beyond love.

Transcendence.

Stretched through time
and finding reality
in this space.

So many miles,
so many days.

Do you recall what it was like
to feel the sand
and water
just passing under your toes?

Feeling hunger,
tasting the smells in the air
and longings
of heat and comfort.

How strong is the irony
of the only human
to ever live life fully
was creator
and a paradox
of being two things at once?

Lamb and Lion,
strong and careful,
divine and man.

How could this ever be?
It is too much to hope
to dare to dream
but oh how I have dreamed such dreams!

Carry me,
for I'm too weak to walk
or crawl.
Jesus Christ,
great is my need
and how shallow my faith.
Grant me grace to continue this run
please,
just please
help me be faithful
and hold the course till the end.

The sun with rise and fall
and time will fade into the aether
as mountains slide into the sea
and love wipes away every tear.

Painful, beautiful pain
coating this anticipation
and need of grace.

One day we shall walk
and be beside each other again,
where the sun never dies
and the sea stretches
out like perfect glass
and all of this,
pain
hate
fear
sin
and cancer of the soul
will cease to be.
We can hold hands
and walk there
and be together.
Forevermore.

T-T-T-T-T-N-N-M

Types,
just that redundant cliche
speaking volumes
in such silly sentiments.
nothing but headaches
while I listen
passive and tired.

Typography,
is not something I ever considered
nor did I realize
how much of it is this disease
festering and growing
in the soul.

Typically,
I am finding myself with no words
and just generic moans and sighs.
Listen to the reverb
just talk from cowards
not living life
as much as just playing around.

Tyranny,
life isn't just your little gem
or your claim to fame
and the beautiful irony
is that I am just the same.
Every morning we look in the mirror
and just see each other
never knowing we were soul mates.

Twins,
cursed of methodology
and genes bringing us together
for every battle
and every fight
that ends with so much blood
spreading across this room.



Nothing, nothing
or is it just
nothing something?
Take time to decorate your room
eternity is a long time
to be cut off from life
just to say you won.

Maybe,
just maybe
we'll find a place in the middle
and enough time we can call ample,
just maybe
it'll all make sense.

Hrmm...confusion.

"Types" has to be one of the single most useless and asinine things humanity invented.

That and Spam.

One nightmare deserves another?

I am getting frustrated with my vision going in and out of focus.
How am I supposed to do homework when the freaking words keep blurring into huge messes of inkblots?

Bah I hate medication side effects.
But...grace is still so sweet, so wonderful and beautiful...especially so in the pain.

"So now I'm stuck here
Between the guilty and the insincere
The words I spoke have left me here all alone
I should have known this
I never saw the backlash when the tide began to rise
I wish it all gone
I could've burned it when I had the choice
And now I'd die to kill the noise in my head

So I remember on the inside

I found a dark, infernal place I don't want to face anymore
Somehow, I won't stop feeding the pain
My heart's just the same as before

So I remember on the inside

If this is all the love my spirit can give
Just take it back tonight
There is not a reason more to live"

To a degree life would be so much easier if I could either switch off completely or turn on apathy as a state of being...it would be easier but so much more dull, trite and pointless.

I really would like to think I am doing the best I can to be friends and show love to everyone...everyone...which is one thing I decided this past week about putting forth effort to just be there...and try to mend broken ties.

Sometimes I am very unsure of people and their motivations...and words, words are so confusing even with given context. However I do pray...and hope for the best.

There is no simple solution...no magic to be found...except the magic that comes from sacrifice and caring more about others...

Ah...well ultimately I really don't know much...and just showing up and trying to be faithful is all I can do. What else is there?

...and there goes my ability to sleep for a bit.

Always more pain but not always enough pills...

Hrmm...today is not the day I wish to deal with inflated and self-righteous egos over art, literature or theater...I simply wish to let go and create...see what flows...

Caring exerts a lot of energy...apathy does too...

There has to be a middle ground between fatalism and trying to carry the whole world.

Hmm...

Migraines are incredibly uncool.
Ack.
>_<

Could be better...could be worse.

Undignified Love Letter

Falling,
flittering thoughts
just glisten
as they bathe in astral lights.

Hope has been waiting
with breath held
as the light approaches
overflowing
and fulfilling
long made promises
of yesteryear.

Years pass as seconds
in this inverted look at life,
just what will be left
after the grains fall
and pass trough the glass?

So many words
so many thoughts
but chief
is that I am my beloveds
and He is mine.
Spirit and water
intermingle
as I feel the eternal heartbeat
and the warmth against me.

Ash and sackcloth
with prayers and tears as my food,
what else may I do but wait?

Hope, desire, need
of this eternal love.

Everything is passing,
the mountains falling into the sea
and the sky will be rolled up like a scroll,
such fear and impossible means
but my Lover is steadfast.

Steadfast peace and joy
in this heart which has been cut and hurt
but the wounds
make it easier for Divine Love and Grace
to flow from here unto there.

Somehow my entire being lays out to you
and there are no secrets,
you know my heart
the pain
the sin
the failure
the lusts
the hate
the prejudice
the fears
and all the pride
which demands I have my own way.

Yet you do not hesitate
to hold me when I hurt
and catch me when I fall.
Eternal love
with such a divine Love,
how could I ever be grateful
about such impossible grace?

"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb."

Third day of having to get a cold shower and potential drama...that could ruin my day...however...I am making myself breath.

Slow deep breaths.

I have far too many more important things then to worry about this.
I'm worth much more than silly worrying and fretting about...



"Cause I'm already gone
Felt that way all along
Closer to you every day
I didn't want it that much anyway

You're taking steps that make you feel dizzy
Then you learn to like the way it feels
You hurt yourself, you hurt your lover
Then you discover what you thought was freedom is just greed

Goodbye, and it's emotional goodnight
I'll be up with the sun
Are you still holding on
I'm not coming down
I'm not coming down"

After the chaos of this summer...I think I have almost finished making amends with everyone screwed over by my actions and behavior...not that I did anything Hell bent on destroying lives...just a lot of really naive and stupidly immature and overly trusting actions wrapped in a silliness that created several awkward scenarios...luckily nothing was damaged beyond repair.

I have some amazing friends to love and drag me along...and stay beside me in these rough times...even when I caused hurt to them. I really could never thank God properly enough or pray enough for them.

Now if things with my health would improve...that would be pure magic.

Ah just one of those moments that makes your soul feel incredibly cheap...

"People with the emotional maturity of an apple."

Oh dear...how I have known people like that...not the best to keep company with.
Still just...that came out of much distress...but I find the analogy very well put...and funny.