"Take this broken heart
If it brings You praise
Take this beaten soul
Shivering hands I will raise
Hope unstoppable
Sing the morning sun:
'Wake up, oh sleeper
The daylight has come'

You are, You are
Invincible
You are, You are
Unbreakable"

What a lucky jerk.

And I think I have food poisoning.

Why is it the smallest gestures of kindness make me want to burst out crying?
I wish I wasn't so prone to deep emotions...

Quote of the Day:

“May I kiss you then? On this miserable paper? I might as well open the window and kiss the night air.”
-Franz Kafka

"I’m languorously open-ended and the ending’s no good
I’ve been told to break the mold and I would if I could
But apathy is easier than caring at all
And the undulating nothingness means having a ball

Incredibly impressive and bereft of concern
Lobotomized and optimized and then I’m ready to burn
At war within myself and self is winning the fight
Because feeling like no one at all means feeling alright

Sense of purpose has got me feeling worthless
And I’m fading away, but that’s okay"

...and again.

...I absolutely hate these moments of feeling like a stupid little kid again...

Mea Maxima Culpa

Empty veins running dry
just filled with remnants
of bare faced contempt.

Light playing tricks
as shadows dart across
and the sun fades,
light all at a loss.

Hope, that insufferable
and impossible state of becoming
blossoms through these scales,
sin incapable of stopping.

...the question I have to ask...is how serious are you being?
What is...this?
Is that what you really want?
Everything in life has been building up for...and THIS is it?

Megalomania is the life for me.

Quote of the Day:

“Peace if possible, truth at all costs.”
-Martin Luther

Unraveling and falling so hard...

I can't decide if I am trying to be realistic or I am just giving into cynicism in order to protect myself from the inevitable pain of living.

To live is to hurt...to act is to bring pain...but there is still beauty and wonder...even at the lowest levels of human misery...things we never would have known or seen unless we fell from such a great height and suffered in such a manner that only serves to point back to the cross.

I can wish...and hope for Love to win...to save the day.

But the test is one of endurance...how long can I go on while feeling as though all I hold dear is an infinite number of lifetimes away?

"Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World,
burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Yours,
only You can make every new day seem so new."

I'm trying not to hate me most of all...but...Lord I do not see what You see...what do You see in me?

Blithering Waste of Space

...why do some people depend on me?
I would rather just...hide than have to touch that pain.

Jesus I'm so freaking sick of being a hypocrite...being paralyzed by my fear and the fact that being able to do ministry means having to rip my heart open so I can be healed.

I have so many thoughts and theories that I am lost...so lost and I do not know my right hand from my left...I don't know what is wrong or even right...I want...I NEED to know what matters...what is good, what is true...what is worth fighting and living for.

I have so many vague sketches about what You want me to do...everything around feels so fleeting and fading...how can I do anything of worth? How can I be of any impact when the languages being spoke are so foreign to me?

Thinking I was ever meant to be a minister...or a husband or a father...just feels so stupid. I can't even be a good boyfriend or a theology student...I've failed and screwed so much up with people...how many people have I shoved further from You because of my worthless tongue and my inability to articulate emotion?

It feels like living in a vacuum alone is preferable to a life of constant fear of speaking because of fear of people...fear of me...but mostly a fear of You.

I'm sick of being apathetic towards those who depend on me for some reason...I love my pithy sayings...oh how I love my philosophical quotes that garner me attention...I've done nothing but worn the cross as a merit badge to get what I have wanted...no wonder I have been wandering in this wilderness for so long.

I want to swear, I want to scream to the heavens to get you to hear me...I want to beat these cinder blocks with my fists until they are a bloody mess...I feel such anguish and outrage in my soul when I look at the church...and when I look at myself.

How did we...how did *I* get so far away from simple love of You, others and ourselves?

I have all this wasteful energy to spend...that I try to spend on myself...and so what? For what? What good? What beauty comes of this disgusting heart and mind that only craves death and sin?

I have hope...stupid hope of seeing things through with people...of maybe seeing some sort of future materialize our of thin air...but it is stupid and childish dreams that will never be.

The reality feels...it seems like I will never be able to function as the other half of any sort of relationship...platonic or otherwise...I cannot even master the basic steps of loving You...how can I deal with someone that will destroy my heart again and again?

Why do I always want to run?
By what stupid means do I stand here now?
Is it by faith...or hope or even love?
Or is it pure stupidity...too foolish to move?

I'm afraid You...or you...might start to see me as the fraud I am. That I have always been afraid of being...I'm frightened of emulating the failures of my father...

I'm human...I get that point...I keep trying but I'm human and I will continue to screw up until I die...I'm disgusted with every portion of my body that is flesh and the infestation of disease and sin that is rotting me from the inside out...

I just...need to feel Your love and peace...anything else is...just dust...all things and all people...

Quote of the Day:

"Peace of heart that is won by refusing to bear the common yoke of human sympathy is a peace unworthy of a Christian. To seek tranquility by stopping our ears to the cries of human pain is to make ourselves not Christian but a kind of degenerate stoic having no relation either to stoicism or Christianity."
-A.W. Tozer

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

*sigh*

Sometimes I really do not like myself...and wish I could just leave it all behind...

Okay...I think my body is done freaking out for now.
Now...to be productive.

Thoughts...thoughts...

Peace...such beautiful peace.
=)

At the least I no longer am having Cymbalta withdrawals.
Hooray.

On the down side I really hate my schools inability to manage money.

We Christians are such a silly lot.

These Frail Hands

Whispers cloud my soul.
Tangents, broken thoughts, half phrased lies...nearly a quarter of a century of life runs through my mind at any given point...portraits of a past I mostly wish I could leave behind.

It feels like weakness to admit to how much...hurt is there.
But there reaches a point where talking about it does nothing but fuel the pain itself...it goes from an acknowledgment of insecurity and fear and pours directly into the 'how' and 'why' I despise myself the most of all humans.

Perfect Love drives out all fear...
I have seen it and felt it on a cosmic scale...beyond my own comprehension...I have seen only the merest fraction of what Love is and it is enough to destroy me if that tempest would not have been held back.

There are only a handful of people who actually make me speechless and can shut me up long enough for me to realize how often I speak just to be heard.
One of them is Divine and the other is a mystery that I worry I'll frighten off if I continue to act as myself.

I suppose being human...being alive...none of this was going to be easy...

The best thing I can do at any given time is just keep myself busy so I will stop trying to reassemble most of my life...I am not just trying to remember but I am looking for a reason to stop trying.

I never realized how easy it is to create circular tangents that only lead to more pain and confusion.

That is one reason I need a steady group of support (Magically refereed to as being a 'Church' in another time and place) is to keep me from being a danger to myself...if I can keep myself busy with projects and helping people...then I can stop chasing demons that may have never been there.

Or maybe I have this all backwards...

I honestly am not sure.
Life is getting better than it has ever been...is it just fears of being a failure? Or my inability to trust my Love to deliver me from these things?



Beauty has stolen my soul...my heart...that is something no human being has understood...I can't control this...I do not want to. I feel more assured of my Love and less of the inadequate terms we throw around...I never wanted symbols...I want to real thing...pure grace driven love that removes everything broken and impure...and replaces it with Love.

I want to become something beautiful...something I have never been.
I want to become more than this broken body and soul could ever be on their own...I need to be redeemed and brought back up out of this hole I have fallen in again.

I can't stand the shallow bastard son I am...I hate calling myself a Christian because I am anything but a reflection of Jesus. I am just this selfish and sickly jerk who can't even stay healthy long enough to...

It's not just feelings, emotions, doubt, fear, anxiety...it's not just THESE things, there is so much more that exists beyond this fragile glass life we try to cling to so desperately.

There is a part of me that wants to gather every fragment of my life, every memory, every paper and receipt...take them all and start a fire to burn away every last remnant of whoever 'Matt Pike' is. I'm not sure I ever knew him and I can't promise I would actually like him should we meet one day.

There are so many tangents just in trying to write about writing about thinking...so many people playing roles...I even typecast Jesus as being someone He is not...how can I have stable friendships or that stupid notion of...?

There is hope, beauty, love...such abstract terms finding absolute meaning only in the chief sins of our depraved behaviors to one another. It's only in taking Light to the absolute darkest areas can we see what Jesus meant when He talked about praying for those who hate us, loving others as much as we bother to love ourselves...

So conflicted, so convoluted...but oh so beautiful.
I never knew the Light was so beautiful until I could see the stars adrift in the sky from this living Hell of bad health.



"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way
When crippling anguish clouds our sight
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth
Set their claws to bring the night
Hold on, hold tight
Darkness can’t perceive the light
Though lightlessness has chilled us numb
And though its wings may cloud the skies
The dark shall never overcome
Light of the World
Your love has never failed

And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
I need Your love
And most of all I want to feel Your peace
I need Your love
Let everything that You are not decrease"

Oh never let me forget where I have been...
Never let me forget the depths to which I have fallen but remember always that You have rescued me from.

Why did I just spend a half hour crafting a new song list for studying?
Ack...my brain is all over the place.

I have so many tangents floating about...so many I wish to pin on the wall so I can address them!

"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so!"

And there is...that as well.
Yes...that....