There is nothing quite like the feeling of irrelevancy to bring out my feelings of feeling completely and utterly useless.

"This Is Who We Are" - As I Lay Dying

Now this is who we are
I am no one's hero
For we are not the giant men
That some may think
You are faithful when we are not
So I'd like to tell this story
The way it is meant to be
Without the burden that's in our hearts
None of us would have ever found You
For You are faithful when we are not
You began a work
That only you can complete

Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why

...Why we're given grace we'll never deserve
And a second chance that we will never earn
For there is nothing I can do to save myself

Now this is who we are
I'll never know the answers
And I'll always wonder why
But You have let me start again
I'd rather be called weak
Than die thinking I was strong

I wish I could have driven down to Tampa to see U2 against last night...apparently it was almost the exact same set list as Tuesday...but I don't care.


"And we're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
When I got there, I go there with you
It's all I can do"

It's the small things in life...which make life worth living.

The conversations, the sunsets, the blades of grass and the sick cat sleeping on my right foot.

The darkness may seem impossible...but it never is.
We are blinded by our finite nature...and all of these things will work out, have to work out for the best.

I can't say I understand everything...all the pain...every vivid exposure of the soul...but I can say thank you for showing up. Taking the time to speak and being willing to take a second to laugh.

It's the small moments that I think we're all be thankful for when this confusing ride is over.

Readily Failed to Believe

I go there to the corner where the bridge and water is and look.

Just waiting for something to happen, a passing by of chance or maybe just a change in the weather.

Surely what I'm waiting for will come.
Even when I don't know what I am looking for.
But I know it is there.
Just outside my field of vision, just beyond imagination.
Touching hope, pictures of the past and praying things can change.

That the pain won't endure, that peace will overflow.
Maybe hope can spring eternal.
In Your Love, by it, for it and with it.
Because the pain is too much.
Let the rain fall while there is still time
before the end comes
and the pain is too vivid.
Let it wash away these stains,
the blood cleansing the scarlet
making all as pure as white snow
because only Love sprung from infinity,
forged in the eternity
can wash away the failure
of such an infinitesimal
broken machine as we.

Still doing my research...apparently this guy was the favorite to win the prize:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Morgan_Tsvangirai

I found the BBC article on the actual news bit:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8299824.stm


I'm still confuzzled...well so confused I had to dip back into the ground of nongrammer.

Maybe if I sleep again at some point I'll understand better.

I don't know.

I hate politics...the more I read the more cynical I become.
It's not like I want the guy to fail...I would love to have a politician or two I have respect for...or something.

It's nothing worth getting worked up over but it's just...odd to me.

So...maybe the human body...DOES need...sleep...

That would explain why I do not remember 95% of this week, my sudden drop in feelings betters, my agreeing to do some silly things, my sudden drop in writing (And drop in quality material mind you) and...and...I can't think.

Flubub.

Quote me on that.

So I tend to not jump the gun as much as I cause physics to work backwards and cause the gun to explode.

Yeah.

I'm sure there is application for reversible physics somewhere.

I also feel like I'm loosing something.

And there is a an unexpected windfall coming.

The very bad kind.

My research skills are a fail...google can't even save me now...

Obama + Peace Prize = Wtf?

What did he win it for?

Seriously.

I'm confused now.

Well, extra confused at least...

Quote of the day Two:

Red Mage - "Oh, we're falling out of the sky at an incredible rate!"
Black Mage - "Damn this bucket of bolts!"
Thief - There's not a single bolt in its frame. This is more one of your 'Chewing gum and prayer' flying ships.
Black Mage - I thought this thing was fixed!
Thief - We fortified it with the prayer!
Red Mage - What more do you want?!?


http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/12/04/episode-487-going-down-oh-grow-up/

Quote of the day:

"When you gotta do something wrong, you gotta do it right!"
-Fighter, "8-bit Theater"

Psalm 119:33-40

God, teach me lessons for living
so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me—
my whole life one long, obedient response.
Guide me down the road of your commandments;
I love traveling this freeway!
Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,
and not for piling up loot.
Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,
invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
Affirm your promises to me—
promises made to all who fear you.
Deflect the harsh words of my critics—
but what you say is always so good.
See how hungry I am for your counsel;
preserve my life through your righteous ways!

Ouch.

"I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me

I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain will stop

At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"

Being profound is so hard.

Which is why I have to quote other people so freaking much.

"I feel like a quote out of context
with holding the rest
so I can be for you what you want to see

I got the gestures and sounds
got the timing down
it's uncanny, yeah, you'd think it was me

do you think I should take a class
to lose my southern accent
did i make me up
or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself"

It may be the total lack of sleep for 52+ hours, the steady diet of caffeine, contributions from my stupid need to still bike 15 miles a day under this duress, the fact that I am mentally drained, emotionally fried, spiritually all over the place...but when I saw the guy in the mirror a minute ago I really had serious thoughts about punching him really good in the face.

By all rights I would say he has had it coming.

Quote of the day:

"Well, you don't get to be a Red Mage without knowing just ENOUGH about everything to be considered dangerous by most Federal standards."
-Red Mage, '8-Bit Theater'

Boom.

"I Was Born to Love You" - Queen

I don't understand the Spanish but I'm not questioning...

Blah blah blah

Going to see freaking U2!!!

Blah blah blah

I'm sure it'll suck

but

blah blah blah blah

going to see U2!

On not even twenty minutes of sleep!

Hoooray!

ART WOOO!!!

And no I'm not on pain killers.

Blasted pain is too useful.

If I'm not in pain then how will they know if the medication is working or not?

Catch 22!

I never cared much for that band really...

Ah...sweet sweet caffeine induced apathy.

How I wish to give you anthropomorphic characteristics so that I might marry you and be drunk off the sheer eye boggling complexity of a sustained relationship incurring in such a perversely impossibly inverted way.

Absurd Assumptions Concerning Nuclear Familiar Related Tangents

I wish I could switch my mind off.
That way I would never worry
or begin to think
about the possibility
of consideration
considering you.

A smile can be laughter
but most cases
in these days
it feels like
a mere taunting
reverberating
everything
in redundant waves
that I fail
in understanding.

I see this
and I see that
I see families
even fragments
which are more
than mine
and it confuses me,
greatly.

Pride?
Consideration?
Honor?
Love?
Desire for company?

What are these falsehoods?
These lies spouted,
breathed into my ear?
I cannot believe these things
that they could ever be
much less be about me
or what can ever be
but most certainly
not about me.

I can walk on this
or that
or our path
and it won't belong
because it's for one
nor two
or more
just me
and my falsehoods
and false ability
to see.

Accession,
or merely a declension
as I recall
just the steps that led
to the awkward air
and my regret
that this is somehow
all my fault anyway
that the familiar sting
is familiar because
it is familial
and nothing more
because
it encompases
something
that is everything else
and will continue to cyle
and churn
and turn
and burn
and whirl
because that is what it is
and to expect less
is to expect more
than what reality is.

The lie was in beliveing
even in the imagination
of a momment
of a minute
that this lifestyle
was for me.
Familiar,
familiar,
fatality.
Nothing quite so grand
just a penny
here and there
for your thoughts
and less than
just here and there
as it were.