Tentative Diagnosis

Today during my second doctors appointment he suggested that I might be suffering from Fibromyalgia, which far from being good news it is much better than it could be.

Rather then try and explain the disease I'll post some links and let you go read and come back at your leisure.

Take your time.

I'll wait for you I promise.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079/DSECTION=symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/AR00056


...back?

Okay good.

What does this mean?

I'm actually happy to have some sort of label for my problems...more than once I have thought that (and have been told by what I assume are well meaning people) that I was, to be blunt, insane. I would be in excruciating pain one day and the next in moderate pain. No real patterns existed except pain. So to a degree I feel a certain kind of validation...now that I know what the problem is I can start trying to work towards some sort of solution.

It's a fresh of breath air.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with a doctor at the clinic to talk about treatment options as well as a list of diagnostic questions I have to try and rule out some other possible diseases that could be contributing to things.

Things are still tense around here...I've never been a big fan of family vacations to begin with but certain factors out of my control are making things...extra stressful.

Depending what happens in the morning we may be staying another couple nights or coming home...it just depends on the next doctor appointment. So...we shall see.

Thanks for all the prayers and support. We'll see how deep this particular rabbit hole goes...

I need to write...my stress levels are peaking out and I feel like I'm going to throw up from pure stress...I hate being in close quarters with my family...I'm a horrible son for not trying to work at bringing things together better...but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one attempting to be an adult...and it's been that way for what feels like twenty years...

Fibromyalgia or God's way of saying "Sucks to be you!"

So much driving back and forth...confusion.

Finally got an appointment to get a consult with a doctor in the pain clinic to see what the next step may be...no clue where or how that could end up being.

Morning...calls...

"I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread"
-Bilbo Baggins

Is it too much to want a salad?

Onwards Through Doubt

Why does pain manifest itself as the chilly daggers of fear?

Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...

I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.

Jonah 4:10-11

God said, "What's this? How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can't I likewise change what I feel about Nineveh from anger to pleasure, this big city of more than 120,000 childlike people who don't yet know right from wrong, to say nothing of all the innocent animals?

"Army" - Ben Folds

A beautiful song...for a beautiful day...

"I protect that which matters most."
-Seraph

"Walk On" - U2

And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight

And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is

And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate

I got nothing...I just wish the night didn't seem so long and the light I saw were something more than incandescent lies...

"It's so wrong, so far from true...I'm just like you."

Breathing...amazing how far the simple whisper of a Muse can take you...

I Hate Math

The worse case scenario is that I'll wait here, in this office, for forty hours this week...ten hours a day...and won't get seen at all.

The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...

That sucked.

I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.

On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.

Now...more waiting.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postcholecystectomy_syndrome

Indefinite waiting while hoping for a canceled appointment.

Oie.

At least I'm here.

Yes!

This might be my future:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator

But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.

I just...yeah.

Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.

I may get in today, this week or in several months...

I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-

Turns out I have a chronic pain problem.

...seriously.

Now to play the hospital waiting room waiting game.

Sort of like who blinks first looses...

Tried to call...hope I didn't wake You...make you wonder and why...it was a simple Voice that woke me...He said Hi.

I'm...confused...sleepy and stressed...worried too...

But it'll be okay...

If I hear the phrase "reformed pastor" or just "reformed" in the sense of theological pretentious bollocks I'm throwing the TV out the window.