The longing.
The loneliness.
The sense of loss.

I think those are the things which hurt the most.

Great Frustration

Yeah I’m stressed out.

Nothing new there I suppose.

…it’s a bit irritating when 2/3rds of your best friends are out of their respective countries on trips and are unable to talk.

And other 1/3rd is uncertain what to say mixed with very busy.

And…I’m also in alot of pain.

Oh well…

An ever increasing annoying thing is the thing…which is the thing…and the other thing…

Knowing what you want.

Knowing what you need.

But feeling as though vocalizing it negates the point of people even doing anything… presumably if they know and love me they know what I need.

Despite their lack of psychic abilities.

So another doctor visit later today, more sedation and endoscopic procedures to make sure I'm not slowly rotting from the inside out from cancer or something.

Hooray.

Some progress on thesis...must register for summer classes...navigate new stuff at school...become world renown philosopher, teacher and Magic player so I can repay student loans and pay to have a complete body replacement...yay goals...

Sensory Deprivation

Images floating by on your screen
inside
outside
images passing by in hazey dim.

It there anything to be understood
when the night passes
but time just skips the dawn
passes the day
and brings things around to evening?

A fall.
Silent screams.
The detachment required to function
is elusive
finding nothing in something
as we sit here watching.

Nothing simple.
Nothing clean.
Numbness.
Checking out,
it all becomes a blood soaked fight to the death.

All or nothing.
Enforced hope.
Head to the ground.
Wounded and cut to the quick of the soul.
Blood feeding the ground
as souls stand about in whisper,
just lost and forgotten

Either caring or not caring.
There is no middle ground.
Killing my emotions dead.
Huh.
Doesn't seem as far fetched or crazy as it might have a year ago.
Almost a year ago today even.

It is frighteningly painful how fast time goes.

Sunday Evening

Should I give a damn about the lack of effort exerted?
It should cause pain.
Distress.
Discomfort.

...and yet...nothing.

Void.

Null.

Not even apathy...a concentrated effort for nothing.

Eventually the emotion will come swirling back.

An explosion.

But for now...

 "Nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore"

It's a wee bit depressing when the people you are supposed to love are the ones to whom it is easiest to lie.

It does seem that sometimes...loneliness...and isolation are the answers.

Extended Post Scripts

Sometimes it feels every step forward is several back.
Meeting someone I haven't seen in eight years was bizarre.
Just a happenstance meeting in the library.
Invitation to Church tomorrow.

What does it matter...if it matters...at mattering?

Like getting a key to the new store finally.
About a month after we open.
Maybe I can get some extra work in.
Maybe I will be crushed under the weight of my thesis.
Or my health finally gives out via heart failure, cancer or mental illness.

Maybe.
Something.
Everything.
Possibly.

It is so easy to live in hesitation.
That moment of not knowing.
Paralyzed for decades.

Wavering back and forth.
Misery to misery.
Ashes to the dust we become.

Even if you read this...very sentence,
would you know this was about you?
Or just think it was for someone else?

Somethings change.
Everything ends.

You made your decisions.
And so did I.
It seems that now,
we must understand why. 

Must be a strange thing to believe in love.

Hope is hope.
Right?

Last One for the Night

Tired of being tired.
So tired.
Yet again.
Words.
Less words.
More words.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

It's not what you are looking for
but maybe it will find you.

Things are getting better.
And not even a touch of sardonic thought to add.
Just tired and such.
Here we go.

It's amazing how almost dying can put life in perspective.
What you love.
What you care about.
What you treasure.

Or in my case how I have none of the above.

"nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

The plus side of self awareness, is that deep down...I know how incredibly horrible of a person I am and somehow manage to get away with it.

I wish

I wish...for so many impossible and irrational things.
So much hope and so many lite.
more, time and whatever...I'm sorry for not doing more..

Wishes in Pale Sunrise

I wish I could cry.
Let go.
Feel again.
Let the pain rush pass
and slip through my lips.

I wish I could cry.
Feel more.
Pain again.

But it doesn't matter.
The ones who would listen are gone.
It's a blank wall.

Scribbles on a page.
Passing by.
Day again.
Day again.
Another second.
One more labored breath.

Such meanignless phrases.
Time.
Love.
Loss.
Hope.
Doesn't make any sense.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Irksome

You know what is irritating?
Feeling attempts at being manipulated.
I'm not an idiot.
On the rare occasion I can put two and two together.

Oh well.

Such is life, right friend?

Jobs

Oh such a waste of breath.
Hate.
Anger.
Swear words.

My time is better spent sleeping
than planning nanny
to this host of fools.

I miss being excited.
Living life in anticipation.
Having conversations that stimulated and drove me to want to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

However, as of late, there has been months of pervading melancholy. 

I am sleeping in a more healthy and productive manner, eating better, taking vitamins and bothering to exercise in all senses...but there is still this pervading hole.

Sigh.

More Medical Fun

So my chiropractor is really concerned about my migraines, neck pain, vision issues and is wanting me to see a neurologist for a MRI and CT scan.

That is terrifying in the least.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails