Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

0f course bloody decorating the Christmas tree would make me miss a VITAL phone call!!!!






...it's okay Chuck...I feel your pain man... =/

It's selfish...but I'm hurting so bad I wish the pain would end in anyway...anyway...

A Lost Verse for Your Time

Endless spaces devoid,
expunged of meaning
by a jet black heart.
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" cries the teacher
as I seek to expose this fallacy,
the lies I wear on my sleeve.

The only person who believe me
was the sickly face in the mirror,
too pale to be alive
and too dead to care about such trifles.

Every dream I chased,
every fallacy I lived
is this song
I've sung
since the beginning.
Hallowed desecration
is my specialty
because none can know the truth
for I believed every lie I spouted.

If only it were as simple of a matter
as killing this weak and fetid thing,
letting it starve to death
in the isolated chamber it grew in,
to let it decay
and instead
of letting it finish transforming
into the fel beast it is to become.

Dreams twisted,
nether things,
hopeless thoughts of the divine
while I plummet
falling and bleeding
from the heights from which I disgraced
with the profane of my soul.
Such vile lies,
such twisted truth,
all for my sake
and the lies I told
just to keep you safe.

I love myself enough to worship myself
and hated you just enough
to factor you into my plans
until it meant
reality had to rear its head
and cause everything I believed
to be consumed in flames.

How can I believe such falseness?
What weight is this I carry?

It's all entwined
caught up in your name
as I try to flee from here.
Never have I saw this as I do now
how fairly unconcerned I am with all
unless it factors into my game
and how things must revolve around me.

Mercy I cry,
mercy I need
as it's grace that I will plea
and love I thirst for
as I lay here in this darkest night
being baptize in hues of gray.
Broken Alabaster jars
as I long to be
long to be more than just this mud
and for this heart
to be formed from more than just clay.

One day...

One day I will stop sticking my foot in my mouth.
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...

Two Things I'm Giving Up:

1.Food - Every time I have eaten this week I've gotten sicker.

2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.

"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"

Stone Heart, Broken and Bleeding

Compromise I shan't,
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.

Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.

It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.

You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.

I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.

It both amuses and disturbs me anytime I see someone using Shakespeare's 'Romeo and Juliet' as some sort of ideal for love and what one might consider to be a good and stable relationship.

Oie.

Can one say epic failure in the making?

"Our selfishness consumes us
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay

I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"

Note for the Noveling Battle Friend

20k...I hope you know I'm proud of you for making a comeback.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.

There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.

Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.

Observation of the day:

Including Samuel L. Jackson in any film automatically makes the film utterly ridiculous, epic mind you, but utterly ridiculous all the same.

In the movie based of my life I want him to play the role of my big brother.

What is it with being male and liking guns and explosions?
One of the few things I can always trust to help clear my mind and reduce stress...

Quote of the Day

“The really unhappy person is the one who leaves undone what they can do, and starts doing what they don't understand; no wonder they come to grief.”

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Beloved, Dissonance is our Calling Card

You spoke and I listen.
You cried and I walked away.
With every gesture
every back and forth move
we share in this dance
I can't help but fall down.

I never can speak what I mean
or ever mean what I say
because sharing love
is like watching my sun
fall down early every day
and feeling what it means,
just exactly what it means to die again.

I can sit here and watch the sunset
longing to hear from You
but all I can do is wait
and try to listen.
I can lay here in pain
longing to feel You again
but all in all
every day is empty
as I search these wastes
longing for my Love.

Red light falling harsh
painting hues with blood
and the regret in my soul.
I never knew to love was pain
but Divine Love is crushing
as much as it is intoxicating
and the substance I'm drunk off of
while I wait,
longing just to hear
and feel You again.

I had something of importance to share...but it is long gone from this demented mind of mine.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"

If I hear one more horror story about how a kid whose parents were ministers screwed them up and made them hate God and Jesus...I'm so going to convert to Catholicism so no one will bother me about why I'm not married and have no kids.

I can't believe just...

Where is the love?
Where did it die?

Religious Acrobatics

In so many ways ministerial work reminds me of The Wizard of Oz.

There are flashy lights, tacky looking sunglasses, big projection screens and small guys hiding behind screens throwing levers.

For some people there is this fear of what may be out there...so we all need to wear glasses so we're not blinded by the brilliant glimmer of green light in our own personal Emerald Cities. It's really easy to see what you want to when the glasses you have on just show a person the only color they don't find offensive.

Someway and somehow ministers are supposed to be perfect beings, walking straight lines, always doing the right thing, can solve any problem and are willing to throw their families and personal relationship to God in the fire just for their flocks.

If Christianity in the Americas isn't going to fold like a bad card table it has become there needs to be some sort of reexamination of what the priorities are and what we expect from those who draw the short stick and get shoved to the front of the line to act as leaders.

The more I think about this the less any of it make sense.
Jesus tore down man built religious tradition.
As soon as Christianity became legal in the Roman Empire tradition sprang up.
A lot of Christian thought was mixed with the celebration of pagan holidays to attract people to 'our side'.
Somehow following a group of people is to be preferred to that of individual faith?
How is this group think, herd mentality supposed to work with Jesus?

I just want to help people.
I want to tell people Jesus loves them.
But for some reason I feel bound by church buildings and tradition.
It's as if I am not going to do anything until I get the approval of my peers and a fat bonus to go along with all my hard work.
America is supposed to be the land of the self sufficient but the whole idea of being independent is a just a farce to cover up our need to follow the leader more closely than any other country.

There is no need for me to wait to find a church or a religious institute but my heart is so afraid of being right.
I'm afraid of Jesus loving me.
I'm afraid of helping people by telling them that Jesus loves them.
I'm afraid of sacrificing my pride, my selfish desire and my plans by surrendering and letting Him control me.

I say how much I hate church games but mentally speaking I'm still playing one.
The only difference is I'm sitting outside the building while trying to figure out where everyone went.

Ultimately if I can do some good, if I can help someone, if I can sacrifice myself and my comfort and in someway...Jesus can use my egomania to give someone hope...that is worth any price.

I'm so tired of me...me...everything revolving around this...

"You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"

Finding Soul in this Ache

Baffling, babbling and more
as we go along
with what we've always known.
Dissenting, disconcerting
and fear,
fear of what it would be like
to travel beside you
and know what's in your mind.
Just another bit of fear
about learning who I am
and where none of us stand in this place.

Reciprocating as I feel,
just feel the arms of the Divine
as I lay here
wanting to escape
from these chains
this prison
but mostly
run far away from me.

Trepidation,
just fear of what I've become
with every moment
and every breath I take
while separated from You.
I can't breath while in pain
and all I can do
is hope
about hoping
while trying to fall
just endlessly into Love
and find grace,
purely refined grace
and this sacred
and holy place
where we can be one
and unified
and lost in the beauty
as I struggle to see
and fight of this blindness.

Let me feel
Let me see
Let me heal
and just let me be
while I stumble down this path
and not know my left from my right
and let me find only You.

"You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah"

My Own Price

Apathy kill my heart,
indulge me as I indulge you.
Just take me and make me
everything I'm not
and everything I can't be
just so I can feel the feelings
of cutting inside
and having my heart bleed.

Make me live so strong
that the flame expands
filling every crevice
as the time passes
within and the ebb catches
and carries us all.

Things are such a convoluted mess of things in my head...plus I'm running a fever again...ack...

I need a nap.

Or silence.

Maybe a cold bath too.

I think I'm getting sick again... =/

Um...my mind has just been blown.

Turns out I've known a good songwriter for a while.

Still has nothing on mine though!

White Washed Soul

Why are you here tonight?
Go.
Go far, far away,
Back to the nether from which you were spawned.
Neither hope or longing
you are merely despair wrapped in clothing
and never a hope's own dawning.

Flee.
Walk or limp while you still can
while my cares are meaningless
just like these contrived verses
as I hope to spell out
what only poetry every can.

Aching and longing
mixed with hope
but not for this
or anything in your realm
or the orbit of your persona
just a mild case of bliss
and of laying here moaning
longing for the day this pain
and every split nerve ends
along with this monotonous
dialogue
of conversing
with this blank wall.