"The Missing Wife" - Showbread

Copied from Myspace

((This was just copied directly from myspace...i know thats the place where anyone reads anything...just figured i would put this here for archive purposes))




Forward:

First, to answer what is no doubt a burning question in some people's minds: No I am not dead. I am sick and imagine this isn't what feeling dead feels like, so allow me to assure you all that until you get a memo from me informing you of my untimely demise do not believe everything you read online or assume the worse because I am the kind of jerk who can never remember to return phone calls.

Secondly, the following is some of the material I have been working on in the past six months. I tried to organize it into a somewhat ordered form that might give a better sense to what would otherwise be a very loose exercise in masochism that the uninitiated might confuse for reading.

The more layers I pull back of myself the more I realize of how unable I am to share myself with others. It is much easier to escape into created worlds of self delusion then it is to openly embrace that which we would never rather face in the first place. Psychoanalysis isn't needed because I already know that I am nutter, but bottom line it just doesn't look very good on a resume.

Assuming you have the guts to continue on past this very late night migraine afflicted rant you will find about a dozen poems or so. They have themes ranging from love, love lost, faith, doubt, confusion and the only comfort I have found in this world.

How do you explain a rose to a person that lacks the ability to see and smell? How do you begin to explain the bright colors and fragrance that are in stark contrast to the monotone and stench filled world we inhabit? I find myself in the same problem with what it is I am and who I am becoming. My life is being shaped into something I simply don't understand and even with trial and error the overarching theme eludes me.

However, as little sense as it may make it is going.

For the attention deficit among us I'll sum it up this way:
"Jesus loves you and I am trying. Really, I am."



Thank you, good night and Godspeed;
-matt

** ** ** ** *


I.The Only Things I Hate More Then Myself is Your Smile (But Other Then That I Think I'm Starting to Like You)

You, you said I was too immature
My music collection too

Was it so hard to see the difference
The smiles and the lies
The long burning days while we

Held onto this false yearning
The soft frozen nights we would

Neglect the fact that we were chosen
To see the difference of a life
Building a world of our own
The differences it made

The days we live
The nights we lie

Could you look past yourself to see the light,
to see this day and its last dying ray,
to feel and embrace the sight of what
could only be said to be today?


II. Just To You

Grey Clouds.
Hazy Rain.
Distant Melancholia.

The desire to tell you everything else,
the thoughts working in my mind
that have been my whole life.

Nothing you say has meaning
Outside of the lies
The broken promise of yesteryear
The feeling inside your mind
Exposed in broken tubes
Spilling red fires

I wish I could say good bye to saying goodbye
But your memory never leaves me
It haunts my dreams and my waking breath
That you are ever a part of me
But That i was just a part of you

On and on in dreams
Ever will never be
On and on in dreams
Love can't always see
To light the path
To always be


III.Distance is More

Our distance is the everything.
We don't know what could be
But by dark light
Luminous times
We move in sync
One tempo
One love
Day by day
Night in night
We take that step closer
Love


IV.Proverbial Please

Seven things to say
Several things to show
The broken and the poor
The fool's old way
Seven things to say
The same broken way

Blood stained glass
Trickles of hope washed in red
A broken and bloody stain on your soul
You let the smile fade as you remember regret
Even with the past holding on your soul
Never look back
Never give back what you have

The bastardized child within not wanting to see
Daring you not to feel any, anymore

A litter not born
A few. Just a few more.
The lies we embrace
To lend self adore

The unborn blood spilled
The defenseless cut open
Letting us get our feel
The need to be our gods
To play and deface all in our way

See us weep it out, our dearest little TV.
The defenseless mindless automaton
Our greatest contribution is apathy
Our greatest kindness is how often
We kill each other out of glee
No laugh, no plea.

We embrace death as an escape
To hide the mistake of our hate
Self emollition of the soul
The nerve it grates
Ripping across raw nerves
Shockwaves of our own decadence
Rotten treats and simple feats


V.Small Words

Some things may be spoken
Others rhymed
Half breath statements barely alive

Some things can be said
Others must be emphasized
Bold words largely revised

A breath of air in the dark
Large falsehoods painted in red
Embolden by their vulgar stark

What, a plea outside for the inward dead?
Acting so free with that life,
Casting about with those looks so trite
Affection never rang so true
Except by words you said

This pride could be said
Vernacular demised.
But some things are better left unsaid
At least until they are screamed



VI.No Word Free

There are no words free that i may use to describe everything you are, all that you are and all that you will be.

Words fall short and actions fail to render true meaning to one like you.

Your name unspeakable, my eyes can never meet your gaze, to be in your mere shadow causes me to stumble.

In few words you are beyond perfection, you are one beyond my imagination.



VII.Just a Moment Really

Where would I be without you and hyperbole?
The exaggeration I need to soothe my soul.
Pretending like all is well
Generating a plastic smile
Molding out your perfect life

It's every small thing
Bringing me back
It's every little thing
Ringing in my ears

If time were your friend
we wouldn't see the cracks
Hear the bones snap
Watching you break your back
As you carry out the act of a life

Seeing you live life so well
Pouring out a plastic smile
Molding out every perfect little lie

If I wasn't so sure it was hate
I would begin to think I love you
Just as much as I stare into me
While dreaming of Narcissa
Didn't you know love was true?
That you only needed open the gate
Free your heart and let it be?


VIII.Hmph

I cannot pretend to know this word.
Inklings of a life past flow in expanse.

Speechless.
Breathless.
Embrace.

The yawing, the gaping expression.
An expanse, the border of existence.
You are mindful now, if you ever were.
Nothing said, nothing will.
Goodbye.


IX.Of Pearls and Swine

Throwing these pearls to swine,
stomping and eating this trash you vomit.
Finely ordered trash on which we dine
The stench, the sweat, the pain indeed
The look of your grin
Makes me so sick within

God save me from this Hell we're in.
Every second of this wasted life
Mucking about in our trash
We vomit Your name in excess
Wasted like a crashed, finely tuned to trite metaphor

Swine eating
Swine spinning
Swine defacing
Feed up
Eat down
Swing about
Swing in
Sing out
Swine wasting
Swine tasting
Swine debasing
All within

Vomit all out and reject it within.

Hate all you never seen,
within the outside

The lies we spin
so we sleep at night
With fire we burn within
Stoked by our ego
Kept by fading youth
Malicious we grin
As we feast on our kin

Pearls to swine
Nothing left to loose
Every game we played we played back for you
Every knife in every back
The knots we twist into lies
The rotten stench of death
Breeding the swarming flies

God save us from the Hell we're in
Every wasted trite attempt at life
Mucking about in out trash
We vomit up your name in excess
Wasted like our final metaphor



X.Masochism Momentary

These nails they dig as they fall
Bleeding bright sentimental folly
The sky Eclipsed in red
Blind (as) we crawl

Oh The death of me
At the life of thee
Wrapped in tithes and falling free

If I didn't feel such love
I think I would send a rose
Letting the sentiments fly
Rise above like a blackened dove
Flowing tears
No one to hold you as they dry

If it wasn't for the love in my heart
I wouldn't know how to hate
To drive the nail into your hand
The spear into your heart
Letting my word spite and grate
Boasting myself
As your blood dries in the sand



XI.Juxtaposition.

Father, unless you enjoy seeing someone tortured with their inability to express themselves, let me scream this song that has been building for years. Give me an outlet and an expression to vent. Look at me, listen to me and hold me with my tears.

Watch the blood and water intermingle and become one, close as we were, close as we might never be again.

Hold me closer then a breath, keep me beside.
Love me when I am grateful, know me when I forget.
Show me what I know and the pain I fight to forget.
Love me when I'm dry and distant.
Show me a mirror while I deride your name.

Let me see the hypocrisy that knows no bounds, just as much as I see Your love with no end.

Nothing I say will stand up, all will fall back into the mists of eternity.
Except your love.
The bedrock, the beginning, the end.
The only cornerstone, the one rejected because of self adulterated hate.

Be still my beating heart.
The pulsating fraction.
Blood flowing free within and without.
My love for you.

Never to recognize any of these,
just a burning feeling.
The desolate cold of knowing.
Shattered in thought.
Pulsate with life.

Wake, burn.

The words we speak to calm our sin.
Preach flowery words of hate to hide,
the lust, the pride all locked within.
Forget, forgive all for one side.

Comfort, confront all in one sense.
Thoughts, passionless, fruitless endeavors for self.

An orgy of self adulterated adoration.
Meaningless pleasure intermingled with an equally worthless rational.
Corrupted, busted, filtered, brokered self.
Buying and selling integrity with our esteem.
Bottomed out worthless trash of thought.
Skin upon skin upon sin upon that mindless grin without the taste,
the subtle hint of the irony possessed with a phony.



XII. Epilogue

The wind whispers so sweet
Aloft in its own concerns
Swift in dives and feats
Never a concern to those below

The intricate intoxities of such a fragrance
Minds jolting as much as the heart
An open invitation
To be arm within arm
Close as a dance
Burning little darts

This is not why you came
The reasons are posted in within
Lacking foresight into your self
You will move forward only when its possible
To promote and create for the bare sense self
Nothing will be of such a mind forever
Neither You, nor I, nor me nor I.

Speak.

Breath in life.

Breath in me.

random large poet post thing

The Only Things I Hate More Then Myself is Your Smile (But Other Then That I Think I'm Starting to Like You)




You, you said I was too imature
My music collection too

Was it so hard to see the difference
The smiles and the lies
The long burning day
The soft frozen night
To see the difference of a life
Building a world of our own
The differences it made

The days we live
The nights we lie

Could you look past yourself to see the light,
to see this day and its last dying ray,
to feel and embrace the sight of what
could only be said to be today?

** ** **


Distance is More


Our distance is the everything
We don't know what could be
But by dark light
Luminous times
We move in sync
One tempo
One love
Day by day
Night in night
We take that step closer
Love


** ** **

Small Words

Some things may be spoken
Others rhymed
Half breath statements barely alive

Some things can be said
Others must be emphasized
Bold words largely revised

A breath of air in the dark
Large falsehoods painted in red
Embolden by their vulgar stark

What, a plea outside for the inward dead?
Acting so free with that life,
Casting about with those looks so trite
Affection never rang so true
Except by words you said

This pride could be said
Vernacular demised
But some things are better left unsaid
At least until they are screamed

** ** **

Just To You


Grey Clouds.
Hazy Rain.
Distant Melancholia.

The desire to tell you everything else,
the thoughts working in my mind
that have been my whole life.

Nothing you say has meaning
Outside of the lies
The broken promise of yesteryear
The feeling inside your mind
Exposed in broken tubes
Spilling red fires

I wish I could say good bye to saying goodbye
But your memory never leaves me
It haunts my dreams and my waking breath
That you are ever a part of me
But That i was just a part of you

On and on in dreams
Ever will never be
On and on in dreams
Love can't always see
To light the path
To always be


** ** **

Of Pearls and Swine


Throwing these pearls to swine,
stomping and eating this trash you vomit.
Finely ordered trash on which we dine
The stench, the sweat, the pain indeed
The look of your grin
Makes me so sick within

God save me from this Hell we're in.
Every second of this wasted life
Mucking about in our trash
We vomit Your name in excess
Wasted like a crashed metaphor



Swine eating
Swine spinning
Swine defacing
Feed up
Eat down
Swing about
Swing in
Sing out
Swine wasting
Swine tasing
Swine debasing
All within

Vomit out and reject in
Hate all you never seen,
within the outside

The lies we spin
so we sleep at night
With fire we burn within
Stoked by our ego
Kept by fading youth
Malicious we grin
As we feast on our kin

Pearls to swine
Nothing left to loose
Every game we played we played back for you
Every knife in every back
The knots we twist into lies
The rotten stench of death
Breeding the swarming flies


God save me from this Hell we're in
Every wasted trite attempt at life
Mucking about in out trash
We vomit up your name in excess
Wasted like our final metephor


** ** **

Hmph

I cannot pretend to know this word.
Inklings of a life past flow in expanse.

Speechless.
Breathless.
Embrace.

The yawing, the gaping expression.
An expanse, the border of existence.
You are mindful now, if you ever were.
Nothing said, nothing will.
Goodbye.


** ** **

Juxtaposition

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know
Sometimes I feel like checking out
I wanna get it wrong
Can't always be strong
And love it won't be long"

-U2, "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)"



There are so many indescribable thoughts in my mind that are described in that short verse. There are so many pounding, pulsating, raging, screaming thoughts desperately trying to escape from my mind at any given time. There are so many of these thoughts and so little that I can honestly do with them.

So much of myself is intermingled with the mask I wear around people. A lot of the time I am not sure about who I really am, where the persona and my soul end and begin. It is almost like I have lost sight of who I am, who this 'Matt' is, who 'Ninten' is, who any of these people, persons and things are.

Where do my real feelings begin? What do I feel? Why do I have all of these incredibly confusing impulses that make next to no sense?

I would much rather run free of this inhibitions, to be free of what feels like dead weight...to allow whoever it is that I am to be freed to exist.

It is more then just confusion about who I am, what I am...it is confusion over my being, my action, my reaction...similar to the discussions over if a person is made by their actions or if they make their actions because of who they are. Ultimately it is a dichotomy which cannot be separated.


Black and White.
Male and Female.
Night and Day
End and Beginning


So many opposites and necessary contradictions. There has to be a level of tension for life to proceed at any sense of pace. We are not allowed to set the parameters for life and existence but if we pay attention, if we look close enough then we can see so much more then we could ever know otherwise.



Juxtaposition.



God, unless you enjoy seeing someone tortured with their inability to express themselves, let me scream this song that has been building for years. Give me an outlet and an expression to vent. Look at me, listen to me and hold me with my tears.

Watch the blood and water intermingle and become one, close as we were, close as we might never be again.

Hold me closer then a breath, keep me beside.
Love me when I am grateful, know me when I forget.
Show me what I know and the pain I fight to forget.
Love me when I'm dry and distant.
Show me a mirror while I deride your name.

Let me see the hypocrisy that knows no bounds, just as much as I see Your love with no end.

Nothing I say will stand up, all will fall back into the mists of eternity.
Except your love.
The bedrock, the beginning, the end.
The only cornerstone, the one rejected because of self adulterated hate.

Be still my heart.
The pulsating fraction.
Blood flowing free within and without.
My love for you.

Never to recognize any of these,
just a burning feeling.
The desolate cold of knowing.
Shattered in thought.
Pulsate with life.

Wake, burn.

The words we speak to calm our sin.
Preach flowery words of hate to hide,
the lust, the pride all locked within.
Forget, forgive all for one side.

Comfort, confront all in one sense.
Thoughts, passionless, fruitless endeavors for self.

An orgy of self adulterated adoration.
Meaningless pleasure intermingled with an equally worthless rational.
Corrupted, busted, filtered, brokered self.
Buying and selling integrity with our esteem.
Bottomed out worthless trash of thought.
Skin upon skin upon sin upon that mindless grin without the taste,
the subtle hint of the irony possessed with a phony.


** ** **


Soul on Fire


Seven things to say
Several things to show
The broken and the poor
The fool’s old way
Seven things to say
The same broken way

Blood stained glass
Trickles of hope washed in red
A broken and bloody stain on your soul
You let the smile fade as you remember regret
Even with the past holding on your soul
Never look back
Never give back what you have

The bastardized child within not wanting to see
Daring you not to feel any, anymore

A litter not born
A few. Just a few more
The lies we embrace
To lend self adore

The unborn blood spilled
The defenseless cut open
Letting us get our feel
The need to be our gods
To play and deface all in our way

See us weep it out TV
The defenseless mindless automaton
Our greatest contribution is apathy
Our greatest kindness is how often
We kill each other out of glee
No laugh, no plea

We embrace death as an escape
To hide the mistake of our hate
Self emollition of the soul
The nerve it grates
Ripping across raw nerves
Shockwaves of our own decadence
Rotten treats and simple feats

** ** **

No Word Free


There are no words free that i may use to describe everythign you are, all that you are and all that you will be.

Words fall short and actions fail to render true meaning to one like you.

Your name unspeakable, your my eyes can never meet your gaze, to be in your mere shadow causes me to stumble.

In few words you are beyond perfection, you are one beyond my imagination.



** ** **


-At Long Last A Song Without the E Chord
-Zombie Express Train
-Music of the Brain Dead
-It's Not That I'm Critical As Much As You Suffer From Bad Tastes
-A Suit A Tie, The Key Isn't the Point
-Of Elephants and Donkeys
-Bleeding Hearts, Broken Mines
-The Beginning's End

I have one freaking huge migraine right now.

I am also an incredibly needy and insecure person.

Kinda like Dr.House except I tend to work myself into existentialistic quandaries of the identity nature because of the habit I have of putting on a 'nice' mask.

You know...

Even with the anger, the pain, the confusion...I have to throw myself in the dirt and lament that I bite and attack you relentlessly. You make my heart burn with passion and love, you lift me above this desolate Hell and let me see absolute beauty. The only thing to ever pierce the heart of this broken creature has been your love.

I've hated this world, cursed your hand, despised your church, attacked your childrean and done everything possible to rip apart this life. Still...only you, only you make me smile, only you make my heart skip...you rip me from myself and hold me up against the holy standard and MAKE me see your justice.

The wrath you poured out on your son, the holy fury you ripped through your own flesh just so I could possibly begin to understand what it means to love. You listen to these screams and screeches and place definitions and meaning inside of me.

Thank you.

"Yet I see true art, I see her, and I see you
and Father you inspire me to sing to you
you inspire me to sing to you"

-Showbread, "Stabbing Art to Death"

Seeing that kind of thing makes me angry. It stirs up feelings, emotions and basic instincts that are better off dead.

Once again, do I really need to point out to you WHY that is so annoying to me?

It's hard to see rational though through such a screwed up haze, a cloud with no sense of anything. Bah, come on already?!?

*sigh* Can't sleep...what is the point in the end?

Sleep is as sleep does as sleep will and forever will never not be as it should, nor could, or would or will be.

It is frustrating to feel this intense burning but to have no actual outlet other then telling you that I have it...which doesn't exactly seem to fix it does it?

Oh well...anything else new under Your sun?

Jesus, uncommon doubt followed by uncommon ways.

I miss...so much of you.

Please don't leave me here. Take me where you will, just don't leave me here.

I can't live with or without you.

Just take it away...this burden is to much because I am to selfish to leave myself behind and follow you. I trapped under a mountain of pain, guilt, doubt, self hate, self loathing...because I'm disobedient and cannot abandon this all to follow you. I have turned a deaf ear for so long that I hear nothing but my own doubt. Hell cannot be worse then realizing you are deaf to the only one you want to even love.

I feel sick in the mind for realizing this but not being able to do more about ti, to be able to do another thing about it...to be able to breath about it, to feel it, take it in, absorb it, live it, carry it and make things really it.

God I miss the closeness you used to be, the love I used to feel, the order, the symmetry. Please don't let this continue on much longer.

I can't stand this...please don't make me go on.

It is not enough to just be enamored with the thought of you...what is the point if there is no closure...no moving a step into you...being captured by that love and by your very life?

I want to run, I want to hide. I want to tear down the walls that hold me inside.

I'm sick of the weakness in me that acts like a cancer, slowly eating at my soul, chewing on me, devouring the parts of me that retain sanity.

Could you help me to loose this part about me, forget the parts I make matter about me? Rip me out of my setting and place me in your own?

I'm forced into a corner and have to ask what is the point of this all...so few things of importance are accomplished day in and day out...this week has been a testament to my personal deprave hate of love and order...my repeated embracing of self depreciating hate.

You could give me the whole world, satisfy and remove every painful desire...and so what? What then? What would it all be? What is the worth? What is the meaning?

Every ending note, every reverberating scream, every screech of a sour plea...what is it worth? What does any of it mean in you economy? It all revolving around your master plan of dissonance?

I want to do more then scream, I want to rip this skin and bone apart and show the broken soul beneath. The sky above and to the ground below nothing can encompass the rage of an oft forgotten persona.

Masks are our options, we beat them and break them and begin to twist all of them to our need and desire. You? What of it? What revolves around such meaningless self propagated pompous lies?

Oh Lord please don't forget to bless me while I misuse your word and lead the sheep astray. Don't forget me while I stab you in the back and spit upon your face. Don't neglect my health while I whore out the gifts you gave me in the name of self indulgence and hate. Let us not neglect our sacred love as we waste the essence of our life on meaningless and trivial garbage that we like to call 'worship' and 'adoration'.

If there was ever a time to spit this filth from your mouth, there is no day like today.

I hate pills...they make me feel way to funky and weird.



Bleh.

The words I want to say I want to scream them out.

So many things push their way out of meaning and purpose...so many thoughts render themselves useless.

God I am so freaking sick of this all.

Love Rescue Me

Love rescue me
Come forth and speak to me
Raise me up and don't let me fall
No man is my enemy
My own hands imprison me
Love rescue me

Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me

-U2, "Love Rescue Me"

I sometimes feel like I'm Holden Caulfield,
sometimes Jack Kerouac.
I wanted to be famous,
now I want to take it back.
Don't want to rock the mic,
don't want to meet the pope,
I just want to share with you,
how we got this peace and hope.

I once wanted to be famous,
now I want to take it back.

-Five Iron Frenzy, "Superpowers"

Holden Caulfield, you are my hero.

I've lost the feeling...yeah lost the reason.
It's floating above and being lost behind
Faltered at seeing and believing.

Things aren't the same as before
As they never will.
Never could, would they?
Lips sealed shut with regret

Thank you for not turning your back on me...I need help to be able to keep hanging on...much less if I am ever going to claw my way back up there. You know?

So yeah...hey.

Nothing new to report...some strong possible leads on an apartment...the only real concern is money and day to day survival...nothing extraordinary I suppose.

I would like to go for sure but there is starting to creep in some doubts. I am not sure how much longer I will be able to walk forward and move with a purpose.

I miss how close we have been, even yesterday was something real...now I feel doubts as much as I feel the waves of nausea course through me. I wish throwing up would bring real results, would allow me to.

I need something more real then this...how can I actually get back into it all?

This doesn't feel real, right or the way to go. It seems impossible people are able to go this way their whole live when every moment of every day is going by faster and faster...eating away their existence.

Biological and spiritual lives entwined...

You know, just thinking about how I said that so casually and with so little real intent makes the bile rise up in my throat.

Being a hypocrite never seemed so easy or just looked so damned sexy.

I'm exhausted yet I cannot sleep.

These thoughts refuse to leave my mind.

Could you please consider giving me some relief?

Sometime? Anything? Possibly?

Now is supposed to be the best time? Then how come it is far from that?

How do I seize something that is not there?

It frustrates me that I run screaming from the thing that which I desire more.

Please help me out here.

Love is so hard. I struggle with wanting to hate it and wanting to run away from it.

The last thing I desire is you or your love, I wish i could just hide under the rocks and keep away from yoru perfection and from your creation.

It hurts to much.

I don't want to come off as sounding selfish,a jerk or ungrateful but Jesus, would you mind helping me not feel like death frozen over and then thawed out? Please?

Just a Moment, Really

Where would I be without you and hyperbole?
The exaggeration I need to soothe my soul.
Pretending like all is well
Generating a plastic smile
Molding out your perfect life

It's every small thing
Bringing me back
It's every little thing
Ringing in my ears

If time were your friend
we wouldn't see the cracks
Hear the bones snap
Watching you break your back
As you carry out the act of a life

Seeing you live life so well
Pouring out a plastic smile
Molding out every perfect little lie

If I wasn't so sure it was hate
I would begin to think I love you
Just as much as I stare into me
While dreaming of Narcissa
Didn't you know love was true?
That you only needed open the gate
Free your heart and let it be?