Slipping Away

Letting go,
the slip,
sensation of free falling
out of
away from
you.

"The First Time" - U2

So strange to have so many people in this house.
And there to be no connection.
No feeling.
No emotion.
Just this emptiness.

I wish I knew which truths were lies and what lies were truth.

But then...life might become too simple.

Unperceived Thoughts (Merrily Onto Folly)

Words are falling.
Cascading,
tripping over themselves again.

I saw your face again,
reflected
in the mirror of my mind.

I sat here waiting.
Promises from years past
as I laid,
not knowing your sincerity
from pillow talk
in the middle of the night.

What mere abstract
was you
and
which were the lies
I made up
so I could sleep at night?

On and on,
so this story goes,
merest whispers on the wind
as I wait.

As ash and age
surely will follow,
and I,
am I,
fool and hopefully hopeless
to every bitter end.

Smiles with tears.
Crisscrossing
and
falling with the night.

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3

How long?
How long?
How long?
To sing this song?

My heart soars, swoons and falls
diving, colliding
and begging for You.
Time in,
time out
in every way
in every sight
sound
and light.

How was I alive before You?
How can I pretend to be alive without You?
The only esctsy of my soul
can be found
within Your love for me.
All of these fleeting jewels,
relationships,
sweet pains
are reminders of Love Divine,
that was carried
and spread on a Cross.

Thank You.
Again.
Again.
And again.
Your Love is greater than I.
And shall ever be.
Forever.
And ever.
Amen.

Living, and Missing the Dreams

Weird how life always continues.
"With or without you"
It is really just so strange to be alive.
Feeling.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.

Feeling the air enter and leave, my body aching while fighting off the virus and bacterias that keep trying to kill it.

The nerve cells freaking out and screaming messages here and there.

But air and water pass through my body, somehow allowing my soul to maneuver, fire thoughts that are interpreted by my aching, shaking hands.

Life.
Alive.
Beauty even while there is pain.
Goodness even when there is a dark.
The Darkness cannot overcome.
Hope lives.


Love will win.

Night Courses in Despondency

Clicking into midnight,
falling, falling and spinning
working for insight
just as the static rises
blinding and aching in my soul,
wanting you,
yeah babe just wanting You.

Interference on the horizon,
losing sight
and the distance hurts.
Yeah it's a given
but with the fading light
it's just death to my comfort.

Again, again and again
spinning on life's merry-go-round
and thought I've wanted off,
here I will stay.

Spinning, fading and dreaming.
Night coming and going,
learning and plotting
and hoping
just hoping for more.

Psalm 77

"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?"
-Psalm 77:1-9

So.
Yeah.
You do that thing.
Where you do that thing.
And that other thing.
Knowing.
Seeing.
Predestination.
Depression, panic attack, anxiety, pain, nausea, fear, doubt, argument, need to be held, to cry, to love and be loved...and Lover, You whisper to me across this unfathomable divide between here and Eternity.

Whisper such sweet Love.
Compassion for my wounds.
Love to this broken soul.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words are never enough.
Never can be, never could be enough.

"The First Time" - U2

"And so one morning just before dawn you came
And so with the dawn you've come

I think I've known you all along
Just lost your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
So ask me now and I'll run away with you"

Oief.
Bad food...mixing with spiritual angst...bad...bad...combination...

#_#

Memories That Fall

I think my favorite season is Fall and Winter. The colder weather helps me to be able to breath and think.

But thinking is part of my problem.

I hate memories so often. They never leave and never return when I want them to. I have tried looking at the bright side...but the memories of past days are too bitter sweet. I would have rather to have never had the experience then to simply loose it at a later time.

It's selfish I know.

Life is more intricately complex by the moment and no one understands what the smallest shift in the world might cause...but honestly...I could live without most of it.

It is not making much sense to me right now...things are too convoluted in my mind...but God knows I wish I could just collect all of these scraps into a pile and let them burn. Let the memories of the past just turn into smoke and ash so I could be free of all of these lingering thoughts and questions.

I hate this place.

There is only shifting shades of twilight offering more questions instead of answers and it will always be this way. The price of knowledge is death by apathy...dispassionate hate for everything I have ever seen or felt. A disgust created by my interaction with everything and everyone. I hold myself with the prideful indulgence that somehow I am different and not as revolting as the vox populi...silly, isn't it?

And a bit sad really. Seeing an adult act like a child in just trying to wish everything away and letting hate and fear smolder and burn a deeper hole into my soul.

I just...I am drained of emotion right now. Of caring, of wanting to care. I do not even want to feel this anger and hate towards God and people. I want to stop hurting but the act of even carrying that out in any regards is impossible because of further moral conflicting and conundrums.

I hate seeing reports, seeing updates, feeling emotion and dejected elation at another missed calling and reminders of how terrible of a friend, family member, general member of society that I am.

I want to tell everyone and everything that the collective is intruding into my personal space and that you can keep your love for someone who isn't too enraged and intoxicated from the pain to give a damn.

I'm trying not to be completely lost in this narcissistic rage...but it is hard. I'm bitter and cynical and want to scream and stuff. I want to push books off the desk and throw a tantrum. I want to randomly light my journals on fire and let them burn like my insides are...I want to grab people by the shoulder and by the head and make them look into my eyes and see just why I am so upset. Why I am in such a rut, why I do not care about the future or what lucky unicorn rainbow laced happiness might hit me in the head.

I don't care.

I don't want any sort of connection right now...it is weakness that is causing me more pain because I feel like I am failing at every possible and conceivable junction of life.

If I ever come across any sort of life plan I wrote I'm going to use it to start the pyre of my collective written work. I don't care...it is all poorly contrived garbage anyway. It is expression of a blind fool who made the mistake of opening his tongue and now would have to have it cut cut off for him to ever shut up with these incessant and poorly written monologues.

You want truth? You speak of it like you have something to say. You open your mouth with a sneer and don't even see the irony of the fact your body is already shutting down, breaking down and you will be dead before you can finish your next word.

The universe is an ever expanding mass of disordered explosions that is winding down and cannot end soon enough before humanity finds even more brilliant ways of delivering death and damning people to more useless and boring pain.

I am even hating music. I can't stand to pick up and try to play anything because a bass guitar is not an efficient solo instrument. And most of the music is full of the cliche and full of meaningless efforts to do equally meaningless things.

Life has purpose, don't get me wrong. The problem is that that purpose revolves around sacrifice, deliberately putting oneself in pain and caring. Bothering to love...things that cause me even more pain.

Talking to people is excruciating sometimes...it is a pain, a deep cut drawing blood and I don't know how to stop the flow. I don't want to remember everything...the good or the bad. Both equally need to be purged so I can learn how to breath again.

I don't want to think of you right now...you need to go back into the past with the other shades that haunt my nightmares. I never knew you...or any of you...everything you speak is about death and blood...reminders of the Hell made out of this world. I never wanted it, couldn't ask for it...I just need to be away from you. Leave me please, leave this mind and maybe time might erase the last traces of your picture and voice from my mind and I'll never hurt from you again.

I don't like carrying about these ghosts of the past...these haunting and half formed memories that I am never sure about the truth or lies of any of them. I just need to find a cave to lay in and rest so maybe I can heal before the next assault on my mind and body begin.

It's like the sky line gets ripped open and rain pours down. Filling in these holes and making the lake grow. Pushing the gaps wider and making it hurt more. I wish it were possible to cut out every sound clip, every visual reminder, every thought and moment of time that was used up and wasted and worth absolutely nothing now...it is just a 'lost treasure' that has become an incredibly bitter reminder.

The taste cuts my tongue and makes me resent being born and even being here.

I cannot limp away from this place quick enough. Even if I have to drag my bleeding and broken self across this wasteland I am going to escape...someday and sometime...you may never know it or care...just wherever you are...you went beyond the sea to a place I couldn't follow if I tried...and here I am...I don't know...I don't know...I just do not know where this all began or where it will all end.

This disconcerting waste of life is just a further irritation...I want to run away from it all because there is nothing for me here...here. Nothing, nothing at all. It's devoid of anything I would consider life, love, meaning, purpose...God I hate all the random moments and images that course through my head...they will not turn off and it just makes me...causes me...drives me to ache for all the lost, all the pain, all the forgotten.

It's all something...something...something.