Quote of the Day:

“Arthur felt happy. He was terribly pleased that the day was for once working out so much according to plan. Only twenty minutes ago he had decided he would go mad, and now here he was already chasing a Chesterfield sofa across the fields of prehistoric Earth."
-Douglas Adams, "Life, the Universe and Everything"

Words

Blocked.
Blocking.
Blocked.

What is it?
The words keep getting lower, more quite and harder to grasp.
My output has been dropping.

Was this all because I was parading for attention and parroting words?

Words.
So many things keep coming back to that.

Small words.
Big words.
Scary words.
Terrible words.
Needy words.
Painful words.

The things I see.
Feel.
Taste.
Hope.

The emotions I feel.
Crying.
Laughing.

Living.
Hoping.
Dying.

I cannot begin express how frustrated I am.
Anger.
Rage.
Bitterness.

I am trying.
I really am trying my best.
But it feels pointless.

The world isn't out to get me but why try so hard?
Why continue building when things keep falling?

I wear a mask so I can breath.
No one wants to see under it.
The play is the thing.
And all this Religious Talk
has become an exhibit.

Something that makes me nauseated.
I feel so lost.
So stretched thin and confused.
Wishing...just hoping and wishing.

All is fading.
Falling.
Hurting.
Swinging and spinning out of synch.

My head hurts from trying to make sense of work.
#_#

It's nice to smile.
And believe.
And know I am loved.

Even with all the pain,
all the hurt,
beauty still takes flight.

I will not be destroyed by my body's decay.
My soul shall outshine
and one day
my Love
shall heal this destroyed form.

Thank You.
Time and Again.

"Precious Angel" - Bob Dylan

"Precious angel, under the sun
How was I to know you'd be the one
To show me I was blinded, to show me I was gone
How weak was the foundation I was standing upon ?

Now there's spiritual warfare and flesh and blood breaking down
Ya either got faith or ya got unbelief and there ain't neutral ground
The enemy is subtle, how be it we are so deceived
When the truth's in our hearts and we still don't believe ?

Shine you light, shine your light on me
Shine you light, shine your light on me
Shine you light, shine your light on me
Ya know I just couldn't make it by myself
I'm a little too blind to see."

"Shot of Love" - Bob Dylan

"I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

Don't need a shot of parish to kill my disease
Don't need a shot of turpentine, only bring me to my knees
Don't need a shot of codeine to help me to repent
Don't need a shot of whiskey, help me be president.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

Doctor, can you hear me ? I need some Medicaid
I seen the kingdoms of the world and it's making me feel afraid
What I got ain't painful, it's just bound to kill me dead
Like the men that followed Jesus when they put a price upon his head.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love.

I don't need no alibi when I'm spending time with you
I've heard all of them rumors you have heard them too
Don't show me no picture show or give me no book to read
It don't satisfy the hurt inside nor the habit that it feeds.

I need a shot of love, I need a shot of love."

"Love rescue me"

It feels harder to remember by the day.

So sick.
So much pain.
But there is Hope.
Such beautiful, wonderful and impossible Hope.
Beyond myself and in You.
Again, again and again.

Psalms 51

"Have mercy on me, O God,
because of your unfailing love.
Because of your great compassion,
blot out the stain of my sins."
-Psalm 51:1

I am so caught short today.
Words.
Words.
I waste them so often.
I feel so astray.

But Love has rescued, comforted and saved me.
Time and again.
Thank You.
Please carry me.
Wash me of my mistakes and help me to Love you.
Love others.
And learn Loving myself.
Thank you.

Psalm 50

"The Lord, the Mighty One, is God,
and he has spoken;
he has summoned all humanity
from where the sun rises to where it sets.
From Mount Zion, the perfection of beauty,
God shines in glorious radiance.
Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him."
-Psalm 50:1-3

I didn't realize this section...would be the reading today...and slight freakish how the poem I wrote reflected that.

Who am I?
Seriously.
I have spent so much time being sick, burned out, aching, feeling lost and depressed that it feels like I haven't seen my reflection...but when I look, I have no idea who is in the mirror looking back at me.

I feel such a longing hope.
In the midst of feeling such revulsion at myself.
What is the difference between conviction of the Spirit and self hatred?

Self hatred is an idol.
Proclaiming my knowledge and will equal to Yours.
Where as I want to be obedient...not fall into this mindless slavery of self service.
Crying out words of hope that are not hope.
Just false ideas.

It's all a blended mix.
I'm so reluctant to speak.
But then I do speak.
And feel like such a hypocrite.
I am nothing but broken and in need of You.

Once again, as always, I am in need of Your love.
To be rescued from myself.
From the false ideas and treasures I drown myself in.
Just wanting hope.
But not knowing how to ask for help.
Once I've reached the bottom of my rope.

Jesus Christ, thank You for everything.
Everything.
This pain has a purpose beyond me.
I want to fall in Love again.
Please do not reject me.
Love me for me.

Never leave me here.
Pull me, carry me, drag me and hole my hand.
But Love me for me.
Every day as I struggle as I live, love, hurt and breath.
Carry me, strengthen me and never let me go.
I love You.
So much.
So much.

Tribulation in the Sky

With every reflection of the on the water
of the sky
there are images,
of You and I.

Passing memories,
tribulation
and
exaltation.

Memories of You and I
reflecting on the water,
with images
of a burning sky.

Hope in You
and of being lost in Love,
tears of joy
and smiles of sadness.

I just want to be lost
and found
in these images
of You and I
reflecting
and showing
a brilliant burning sky,
Love becoming One
and Hope being mine.

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3

Abba, Daddy.
Be my shelter, my strong tower, my fortress, my Love, my Lover, my Protector, my Bridegroom, my Kinsmen Redeemer.

My soul is so disarray, fallen apart and needy.
I'm needy.
In need of You.
To throw my arms around You and weep,
to let all the pain out of this soul.
Please carry,
Please protect.
Please Love me.
Despite all of my failing and failures
please Love me.

I want to have no regrets.

"When I leave I want to go out like Elijah.
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire.
When I look back on the stars,
It'll be like a candlelight in central park.
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

Be Still and Wonder

It's always so silly to assume a human being is capable of sharing, understanding, collecting, connecting and being more than mere acquaintances.

Pain defines, aches, listen, leads and betrays.

What is Truth?
What is Truth?

Only You.
This world falls apart.
Whispering lies
and fallacies
leading in circles
as I look up in wonder.

Quote of the Day:

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

Psalm 45

"Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice."
-Psalm 45:6

Eternity...Grace...Love...none of this makes sense.
But despite my inability to understand...You are Truth.
The only Truth is You.
Everything is fading.
Everything is dying.

Please do not tarry in saving, redeeming and healing me.
I'm so tired, broken and weary.
I pray and wonder.
Holding out for hope.
Will you please not forget me?
Do not leave me to die.
Remember the promises of Your Word
and once again,
save me, love me and care for me.

Abba, Father, Love,
Infinite God
and
Lord of Lords,
King of Kings
all is Yours.

Please come.
Come quickly,
Oh Lord Jesus.

Dental Pain = Not Fun

Five root canals.
Four crowns.
Intense pain from swelling and possible infections.
And a month and a half of using Vicodin.

Weird, weird time.
So many good moments interspersed with intense fragments of bad.

I feel so close to making the right decision but...in ways I am not sure.

Doubt will always be here.
But I just might be in Love, more so than ever, and maybe I have a job that can work not just for now but for the foreseeable future.

I feel so close to being able to do ministry again.
My soul screams for You.
I need You.
So much.

It's kind of sad how easily excited and disappointed I am.
Expecting little and not getting it..shouldn't be so discouraging.

Life.
So silly.
And strange.