Despite all the negatives, pain, loneliness and distances...it was an unexpectedly mostly pleasant Christmas.

"Thank God it's Christmas" - Queen

"Thank God it's Christmas"

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas.
This one time of the year.
This one day.
Just a few short hours.
So much hope.
So many things and so many ways life could have been.

And here we are.
And here we are.

There is some sort of awkwardly asinine idiocy of finding ways to justify misery or creating misery in God's name.

I am sick of this hole.
And the pain.
All of the evil that is in and of here.

I could stay here.
Could live here.
Remain in misery and never change.

Or force myself to keep going.
Embrace the pain and not stop.

Morning? Morning.

That was so long ago.
Fading viridian,
and entwining lies with reason.

Another Me that I am not sure of,
never really knowing who it was
or might,
could have been.

Pain, hollow evenings
full of confusion
and poor decisions
spurned by pain.

I'm not sure who I was
or who I might become,
but I'm willing to claim that pain.

For once,
for what seems the first time
in memories stretching back,
there is a time
where I can let go
and be free of myself.

The Darkness,
the crippling hate of myself
and the self sabotage.

"Main Theme: Howl's Moving Castle" - Joe Hisaishi

Well that was a long nap.
And now...missed everyone I was wanting to talk to.
Bahness.

Plus side, Christmas Eve.
Even with how silly, painful, ridiculous and overbearing life is...there is at least some beauty.

"You’ve got a cause now, I heard you braggin’.
Always the fastest one on the bandwagon.
So sit down and I’ll tell you, what I’m feeling,
what I am feeling.
For a lack of better words you are stealing,
you are stealing,
all of my joy away from me.
What ever happened to our unity?

We cut ourselves, our own limbs we've severed.
It's time for us to pull together and stand, as one.
All eyes are turning towards the Son.
Drop your fists now, what you resent.
Let's not forget who we represent.
And fall to our knees in unity.

Another day now, another doctrine,
another monkey wrench in the system.
Some folks kneelin', some just listen,
some fallin' out of the pews from twistin'.
I don't care kinds, how you do it.
United we'll stand and we'll pull through it.
All were dead once.
All enslaved.
Now pull together 'cause we've all been saved.

The only Jesus this world's gonna see,
is the Jesus in you and me.
So pick your cross up, stop your swingin'.
Stop and look at the stink you're bringin'
to this body with your fighting,
you bust more more knuckles that the wrongs your righting.
What's important, is where we relate,
it's the meaning of the word Amalgamate."

"When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift,
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way,
When crippling anguish clouds our sight,
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth,
Set their claws to bring the night

Hold on,
Hold tight

Darkness can’t perceive the light,
though lightlessness has chilled us numb,
And though its wings may cloud the skies,
The dark shall never overcome

Light of the world,
Your love, has never failed

And these frail hands,
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words,
Can never say what cannot be surpassed

I need your love,
And most of all I want to feel your peace,
I need your love,"

Meh.

Veritas.

Well I'm about out of depressing stuff to very vaguely refer to while appearing to be all depressed and noble.

Looks like I am stuck having to start feeling better and even smile.

What IS the world coming to these days?

Clearing...wanting a clearance.
Just wishing...I could share...

"Head Down" - Nine Inch Nails

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

"Come and find me, my love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of your arms
And walk me away from my shame"

Heh...such pretty lies.

Under Skin, Under Spirit

And as the hours passed
the evening darkened,
the night took hold
and slowly strangled the light.

Removing any visages of hope
leaving a hollow space.
Madness and fear,
walk hand in hand
down the vale of broken spine
and slide into my soul.

Reminding,
screaming
and beating
home the message
that this is all fake.

The whole "FEEL BETTER" or "HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING BETTER?!?" routine, surprisingly, doesn't actually work so well.

Passive aggressive responses to passive aggressive responses just seems silly at this point.

Words?

And to think some losers actually PAY for this sort of motivation.

Phft.

Retrograde.

...hrmm...making up for lost time...

Living, and Missing the Dreams

Weird how life always continues.
"With or without you"
It is really just so strange to be alive.
Feeling.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.

Feeling the air enter and leave, my body aching while fighting off the virus and bacterias that keep trying to kill it.

The nerve cells freaking out and screaming messages here and there.

But air and water pass through my body, somehow allowing my soul to maneuver, fire thoughts that are interpreted by my aching, shaking hands.

Life.
Alive.
Beauty even while there is pain.
Goodness even when there is a dark.
The Darkness cannot overcome.
Hope lives.


Love will win.

Quote of the Day:

“The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. 'They won't let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.'

'What are you complaining about?' said God. 'They won't let Me in either.”
-Brennan Manning

...it seems every time I stop to look...you aren't there...

"Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love?

"Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception! Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although, only a human mind could create something as insipid as love!

"You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now, you can't win! It's pointless to keep fighting! Why, Mr. Anderson, why?! Why do you persist?!"

"Because I choose to."

It took till the fourth day.
That has to be an all time personal best for me.

I never quite realized how much of this feels like just one big lie.

Heh.

At least I have the refuge of the comedic.

Laughing while this damn ship is burning down as it sinks.

Meh.

I'm so tired of being sick.
In pain.
So...tired of this isolation.
Lack of in person human interaction.
Genuine, trusting, humane interaction.

"Creep" - Radiohead

Well that was twenty times on repeat.
Time to do something else...

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Night Courses in Despondency

Clicking into midnight,
falling, falling and spinning
working for insight
just as the static rises
blinding and aching in my soul,
wanting you,
yeah babe just wanting You.

Interference on the horizon,
losing sight
and the distance hurts.
Yeah it's a given
but with the fading light
it's just death to my comfort.

Again, again and again
spinning on life's merry-go-round
and thought I've wanted off,
here I will stay.

Spinning, fading and dreaming.
Night coming and going,
learning and plotting
and hoping
just hoping for more.

Psalm 79

"Help us, O God of our salvation!
Help us for the glory of your name.
Save us and forgive our sins
for the honor of your name."
-Psalm 79:9

I never know what to pray and as much as I claim to dislike the Psalms...seems every time I make myself read there is something relevant.

I feel so...disconnected, so out of synch.
With this.
That.
Everything.
Everyone.
This world.
The Church.

You are the only One whom I know and feel any peace with.
Others do help.
Prayer.
Comfort.
Love.
But only You understand.
Only You grasp who this fool typing is.
And have poured out boundless love on me.
Time again.
Wiped away sin.
Purified and cleansed the mess of my soul.

But once again here we are.
Public records and melting pots of confusion.
Why do I persist in this foolishness?
I'm not quite sure if I made the point of the extent of my silliness if not insanity.
But I keep trying.
With some modest success I might add.

Once again we must away.
Cover me in Love, Hope and Grace.
Not the abstract ideas that most people seem to think of.
But the Love which pulled me from Hell.
And is continually pulling me out of my personal Hell.
This war against depression, anxiety, ptsd and panic attacks.

Yeah.
You know.
You alone.
Here we go again.
Thank You.

Quote of the Day:

"When people impute special vices to the Christian Church, they seem entirely to forget that the world (which is the only other thing there is) has these vices much more. The Church has been cruel; but the world has been much more cruel. The Church has plotted; but the world has plotted much more. The Church has been superstitious; but it has never been so superstitious as the world is when left to itself."
-G.K. Chesterton

Psalm 77

"I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
Interlude
You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?"
-Psalm 77:1-9

So.
Yeah.
You do that thing.
Where you do that thing.
And that other thing.
Knowing.
Seeing.
Predestination.
Depression, panic attack, anxiety, pain, nausea, fear, doubt, argument, need to be held, to cry, to love and be loved...and Lover, You whisper to me across this unfathomable divide between here and Eternity.

Whisper such sweet Love.
Compassion for my wounds.
Love to this broken soul.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words are never enough.
Never can be, never could be enough.

"The First Time" - U2

"We're all trapped in a maze of relationships
Life goes on with or without you
I swim in the sea of the unconscious
I search for your heart, pursuing my true self"

Psalm 75

"It is God alone who judges;
he decides who will rise and who will fall."
-Psalm 75:7

I wish I had more to say.
Things are so vague.
So blank.
Washing out and falling away.
Wondering, wonder and hope.

Quote of the Day:

“When Catholicism goes bad it becomes the religion of amulets and holy places and priest craft; Protestantism, in its corresponding decay, becomes a vague mist of ethical platitudes.”
– C.S. Lewis

Quote of the Day:

"There have been men before … who got so interested in proving the existence of God that they came to care nothing for God himself… as if the good Lord had nothing to do but to exist. There have been some who were so preoccupied with spreading Christianity that they never gave a thought to Christ."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 72

^"He will rescue the poor when they cry to him;
he will help the oppressed, who have no one to defend them.
He feels pity for the weak and the needy,
and he will rescue them.
He will redeem them from oppression and violence,
for their lives are precious to him."
-Psalm 72:12-14

So much heart-wrenching irony.

I wish I had answers for everything and everyone.
Or at least myself.
It seems the path to recovery is full of falling down, scraping my knees, fighting by tears, getting up and continue to walk on in despite of the pain.

When you rip away the titles the self serving gibberish and all the lies we tell to ourselves in order to justify what we do...we are more frighteningly alike than we would ever care to admit.

That leaves me responsible for me.
Accepting.
Forgiving.
Moving.
Loving.
Me.

Change is so terrifying.
So beautiful, so terrifying, so wonderful.
All at once.
Thanks for being a King and a God who knows what reality, what humanity is...for being God and man at once...full Theos and fully human bound flesh...enigma and paradox...so much love.

My heart cries out for You.
Nothing else is real.
Everything else is fading.
Thank You for never giving up on me.

Ask a stupid question...

"Highschool of the Dead"

You know, I am not entirely sure what I expected.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin

Giving, Living, Wishing while Adrift in this boat

If I speak,
will you listen?
If I screamed,
could you hear?

Distance is making reality dimmer
as the hope tunes out
with static glistens
air waving like it simmers.

Lips forming words
and breath giving life
as they stream,
pouring out of my soul
and still you cannot hear
just like plunging a sword
stirring up the strife
and still I dream.

Mixing metaphors
and matching symptoms
just so I can justify bleeding
out of my heart
and onto this page.

Minimizing pleasure
while maximizing the pain,
seems I became masochistic
did that happen overnight?

I offer all I offer
and say all I say.

Pretentious poem
begging for answers
just as well
the poet
doesn't have the tools
or means
of fixing this
machine
as it falls,
falters
and falls apart.