Wednesday, July 24, 2013

On Birthdays

So I survived another year.
Twenty-seven.
Twenty-seven?
What an odd number.

That's seven numbers higher than I can safely count on my digits.

What am I supposed to use?
Dice?
An abacus?

Twenty-seven years.
That's a lot of days.
A huge number of hours.
A stupid amount of minutes.
I'm not even sure if the number of seconds can actually be that long but geez.

I'm still here.

Struggles with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health...and I am still here.

Battered, graying hair, confused about where the bruise on my shin came from and wondering how life came to be so beautiful while I was busy being so worried, so lost in deep thought.

If you would have asked me ten years ago where I would be now it would have not have involved the word "Saraland" or the fact this place has become an unexpected second home involving a host of strange characters of whom I am not entirely sure of which are real and which are merely figments of my far too over active imagination.

Of course I tease.

I am fully aware of who is and who is not a highly interactive hallucination; it's just infinitely more fun to put on a show for the crowd.

And so time passes on just as it has for as long as it has and will continue to do so until matter itself finds a good stopping point.

Beauty, horror, love, hate, rain, sunshine, perfection, sin, creativity, dullness and the record player will keep playing music for as long as God finds a need to keep this utterly bizarre human condition going.

All I can do is observe from my front row seats as time flows by second by second and I wonder at what will happen next.

Life is a bit like the weather in Alabama; if you don't like it wait about five minutes and it will change. Conversely, you can always cross the road to get out of the rain; unless of course you are like me and feel alive when the rain is falling from the heavens, droplets pressing against your skin and  setting your soul on fire with the whispers of God's promises of Love and Grace.

"Time" - Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

And so the night goes on...

In ways it feels like I missed my birthday.
Certainly sleeping fifteen hours on that day doesn't help.
I was running a fever yet  again.

I am still occasionally having a fever but thankfully my throat is cleared out and I can more or less breath and talk without excruciating pain.

Instead I'm staring at a white screen and typing in symbols instead of staring at the ceiling.

I'm listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" for the third time today.

That album has really grown on me.

Time is passing by.

I feel such a need to withdraw.

And at the same time this need to engage.

Two warring factions within myself.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Please sleep?

Fine.
No sleep.

Ack.
Pain.

Stupid body.

Must...find...sleep...

Saturday, July 6, 2013

A Life of Arrested Development

I suppose one might call my life one of arrested development.
I'm about to leave my mid twenties and be in my late twenties.
Yet I am afraid.
Deeply afraid.
Terrified.
Such palatable pain and fear.
To such a point I often do not know what to do.
So I hurt.
Deeply.
And react.
So I hide.
I fight to break free.
For what?
Illness.
Pain.
Sickness.

Does this make sense?
Did I choose such a path?
Was I given a choice?

And yet here I am.

Uncertain.
Afraid.
Longing.
Lost.
Needing.
Hoping.
Praying.
Feeling.
Believing.

Do you see the sun rise?
Such pale distant piercings of faint light?

Some call my God a dream.
Falsehoods built over fears.
Yet Love won me.
Divine Lover wooing me with passion.
Washing me with Love and Grace.
Impossible concepts.
Impossible ideas.
Things I could never grasp.

But arrested and stunted in emotional growth I might be in,
I still hope.
Hope.
Love.
Need.
Give.

From here.
To you.
From me.


Sunday, June 30, 2013

Hmm.

Last day of June.

Year has flown by.

Hmm.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Distance in Thoughts

Riding these thoughts like waves...I'm here.
Am I going through life or just falling through time and managing to hit every step along the way?

The more I think the harder it is to write.
The thoughts become a whirlwind.
I lose my step.
The sand becomes swept into a vortex of endless possibilities.

I see but I am blind.
I hear but I am deaf.
I touch but I cannot feel.
I am alive but I am not here.

Distance becomes reality as I exist.
Time flows.
The age unwinds as planets spiral around stars spinning.


Monday, June 10, 2013

To the future.
No more regrets.
No more tears.
A brave step forward.
To the unknown.
And to the impossible becoming possible.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Another Late Night Musing

Seemingly the worse I feel the more productive I become.
It's not as if I have this sudden foreboding dread that I will die and leave so much unfinished (I'm planning on leaving a massive inbox of things to take care of after said death anyway) but perhaps it is this need to keep my mind occupied.
Pain, be it physical or mental, is persistent. 
It occupies.
It drains.
So just a little bit can sometimes be made better by working, being creative, finding something...someplace....somewhere to find simple joys.
Twelve hours at the gameshop, with a mixture of tournament Magic play, running the counter and sorting.
I'm not sure what 'average' people do on their weekends but it's not at a gameshop and I feel sad for them. Especially for that Christian minority who refuse to frequent anyplace that is 'un-christian'...which is a silly notion in and of itself.
...digressing.
Point being, there is therapy and relief in finding somewhere besides this room I live in and my mind which can become a prison in and of itself. I've spent hundreds of hours sick and stuck both in this bed and inside of my mind.
The more I find reasons to go out, to meet people, to see people, to help  people and love them...the less reasons I find to just stay here and victimize myself further with isolation.
Strange how illness repeats.
But...as the song does say "hope still flies"

Friday, May 24, 2013

The longing.
The loneliness.
The sense of loss.

I think those are the things which hurt the most.

Great Frustration

Yeah I’m stressed out.
Nothing new there I suppose.

…it’s a bit irritating when 2/3rds of your best friends are out of their respective countries on trips and are unable to talk.
And other 1/3rd is uncertain what to say mixed with very busy.
And…I’m also in alot of pain.
Oh well…

An ever increasing annoying thing is the thing…which is the thing…and the other thing…
Knowing what you want.
Knowing what you need.
But feeling as though vocalizing it negates the point of people even doing anything… presumably if they know and love me they know what I need.
Despite their lack of psychic abilities.


So another doctor visit later today, more sedation and endoscopic procedures to make sure I'm not slowly rotting from the inside out from cancer or something.

Hooray.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Some progress on thesis...must register for summer classes...navigate new stuff at school...become world renown philosopher, teacher and Magic player so I can repay student loans and pay to have a complete body replacement...yay goals...

Sensory Deprivation

Images floating by on your screen
inside
outside
images passing by in hazey dim.

It there anything to be understood
when the night passes
but time just skips the dawn
passes the day
and brings things around to evening?

A fall.
Silent screams.
The detachment required to function
is elusive
finding nothing in something
as we sit here watching.

Nothing simple.
Nothing clean.
Numbness.
Checking out,
it all becomes a blood soaked fight to the death.

All or nothing.
Enforced hope.
Head to the ground.
Wounded and cut to the quick of the soul.
Blood feeding the ground
as souls stand about in whisper,
just lost and forgotten


Sunday, May 19, 2013

Either caring or not caring.
There is no middle ground.
Killing my emotions dead.
Huh.
Doesn't seem as far fetched or crazy as it might have a year ago.
Almost a year ago today even.

It is frighteningly painful how fast time goes.

Sunday Evening

Should I give a damn about the lack of effort exerted?
It should cause pain.
Distress.
Discomfort.

...and yet...nothing.

Void.

Null.

Not even apathy...a concentrated effort for nothing.

Eventually the emotion will come swirling back.

An explosion.

But for now...

 "Nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore"
It's a wee bit depressing when the people you are supposed to love are the ones to whom it is easiest to lie.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

It does seem that sometimes...loneliness...and isolation are the answers.

Extended Post Scripts

Sometimes it feels every step forward is several back.
Meeting someone I haven't seen in eight years was bizarre.
Just a happenstance meeting in the library.
Invitation to Church tomorrow.

What does it matter...if it matters...at mattering?

Like getting a key to the new store finally.
About a month after we open.
Maybe I can get some extra work in.
Maybe I will be crushed under the weight of my thesis.
Or my health finally gives out via heart failure, cancer or mental illness.

Maybe.
Something.
Everything.
Possibly.

It is so easy to live in hesitation.
That moment of not knowing.
Paralyzed for decades.

Wavering back and forth.
Misery to misery.
Ashes to the dust we become.

Even if you read this...very sentence,
would you know this was about you?
Or just think it was for someone else?

Somethings change.
Everything ends.

You made your decisions.
And so did I.
It seems that now,
we must understand why. 


Thursday, May 9, 2013

Must be a strange thing to believe in love.

Hope is hope.
Right?

Last One for the Night

Tired of being tired.
So tired.
Yet again.
Words.
Less words.
More words.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

It's not what you are looking for
but maybe it will find you.


Monday, May 6, 2013

Things are getting better.
And not even a touch of sardonic thought to add.
Just tired and such.
Here we go.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

It's amazing how almost dying can put life in perspective.
What you love.
What you care about.
What you treasure.

Or in my case how I have none of the above.