Psalm 25

"Turn to me and have mercy,
    for I am alone and in deep distress. 
 My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all! 
 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
    Forgive all my sins."
-Psalm 25:16-18

So much trouble.
So much pain.
Time rushes and falls.

Yet again here I am.
My life falls like grains of sand
trapped in Your hourglass. 

Remember me now and as the grains fall.
Soon everything will have passed
except for the eternal.

Wash me of my broken sins, the failures I hide from everyone and even attempt to hide from you. Please renew your Spirit within me...give me grace because I cannot handle this on my own.

I'm too tired.
Too broken.
Too confused.
In too much pain.

But I need You.
I love You alone.
You, You are everything.
My everything.
Now and forever.

Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Fading Away

Sometimes I wonder if it is best to remove myself from situations.
Away from certain people.
Away from certain things.

There are those I would give anything to talk to again...but communication seems to be dead.
No returned messages.
Is that the nature of life?

I hope.
I need to hope.

Things keep spinning out of sync.
I'm so sick so often and feel so lost.
I miss You.
And you.
And you beautiful Muse.

Everything is fading
the colors can glow
and even hurt too.

I want to hope.
I need to hope.
Even when I forget...
I just forget.

Psalm 91

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him."
-Psalm 91:1-2

Oh Father.
Abba.
I'm so tired, so weak.
I feel like I am close, oh so desperately close to making progress.
But what is my progress?
What is this life?

I want passion again.
The fire and conviction burning in my soul.
I miss You.
Desperately.

My choices...so scary, confusing.
I want to rest in the warmth of Your arms.
Hold me tight.
Be my Father.
Help me.
Please.

I need, need, need You.
Thank You.
Please wash away my shame, my dirt, my pain and all this discomfort and make me Yours.
Again.
Again.
Again.
Again.

Thank You...

Even with all the pain,
all the hurt,
beauty still takes flight.

I will not be destroyed by my body's decay.
My soul shall outshine
and one day
my Love
shall heal this destroyed form.

Thank You.
Time and Again.

So sick.
So much pain.
But there is Hope.
Such beautiful, wonderful and impossible Hope.
Beyond myself and in You.
Again, again and again.

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!"
-Psalm 46:1-3

Abba, Daddy.
Be my shelter, my strong tower, my fortress, my Love, my Lover, my Protector, my Bridegroom, my Kinsmen Redeemer.

My soul is so disarray, fallen apart and needy.
I'm needy.
In need of You.
To throw my arms around You and weep,
to let all the pain out of this soul.
Please carry,
Please protect.
Please Love me.
Despite all of my failing and failures
please Love me.

I want to have no regrets.

"When I leave I want to go out like Elijah.
With a whirlwind to fuel my chariot of fire.
When I look back on the stars,
It'll be like a candlelight in central park.
And it won't break my heart to say goodbye."

Be Still and Wonder

It's always so silly to assume a human being is capable of sharing, understanding, collecting, connecting and being more than mere acquaintances.

Pain defines, aches, listen, leads and betrays.

What is Truth?
What is Truth?

Only You.
This world falls apart.
Whispering lies
and fallacies
leading in circles
as I look up in wonder.

Psalm 45

"Your throne, O God, endures forever and ever.
You rule with a scepter of justice."
-Psalm 45:6

Eternity...Grace...Love...none of this makes sense.
But despite my inability to understand...You are Truth.
The only Truth is You.
Everything is fading.
Everything is dying.

Please do not tarry in saving, redeeming and healing me.
I'm so tired, broken and weary.
I pray and wonder.
Holding out for hope.
Will you please not forget me?
Do not leave me to die.
Remember the promises of Your Word
and once again,
save me, love me and care for me.

Abba, Father, Love,
Infinite God
and
Lord of Lords,
King of Kings
all is Yours.

Please come.
Come quickly,
Oh Lord Jesus.

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength,
    always ready to help in times of trouble. 
 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
    and the mountains crumble into the sea. 
 Let the oceans roar and foam.
    Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge! "
-Psalm 46:1-3




"I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
All I want is to be in the light

The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
Tell me, what's going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior"
 -dc Talk, "In the Light"










My soul aches. screams
and protests all the pain and fear.
In this tomb I live in.
My life is Yours,
but oh God,
how I fear so badly.
I ache and fear,
rescue me Love.
Rescue me my Beloved.

Psalm 43

"For you are God, my only safe haven.
    Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
    oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
    let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
    to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:2-3


I've read this passage again...and again...and again.
How long?
How long?
I wait in pain.
Anguish.
In need of You.


So much is fleeting,
passing
and gone by.


How long until You return?
Until Healing?
Until things can be made right?

I wait for You,
for You alone
my Love.
Please do not tarry.
 

Psalm 40

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3

How long?
How long?
How long?
To sing this song?

My heart soars, swoons and falls
diving, colliding
and begging for You.
Time in,
time out
in every way
in every sight
sound
and light.

How was I alive before You?
How can I pretend to be alive without You?
The only esctsy of my soul
can be found
within Your love for me.
All of these fleeting jewels,
relationships,
sweet pains
are reminders of Love Divine,
that was carried
and spread on a Cross.

Thank You.
Again.
Again.
And again.
Your Love is greater than I.
And shall ever be.
Forever.
And ever.
Amen.

Psalm 31

"Have mercy on me, LORD, for I am in distress.
Tears blur my eyes.
My body and soul are withering away.
I am dying from grief;
my years are shortened by sadness.
Sin has drained my strength;
I am wasting away from within."
-Psalm 31:9-10

I know there is Hope, Love and Grace.
But the waiting,
the pain of seconds becoming minutes becoming hours,
how long,
how long shall I wait?
Till my age increases
and my hair becomes fully gray
and these belittled bones into dust?

Some say it is melodrama
but my life is empty, incomplete
and at such a loss
without You, Abba, Father.

These words are nothing without You.
For it is You who gives meaning,
that creates a purpose
from being awake until dreaming,
all of the pain has this purpose
but it only is derived from You.

What shall I do?
What can I do?
What must I do?

These songs are fleeting
but I feel Your melody,
it is within me
and far without
as I wait here.
Lost in dreams
becoming nightmares,
stuck in this Beyond
never knowing
or sure.

Lover please Love me.
Do not be distant.
Or wait till I have decayed from doubt and pain,
rescue me.
Once again.
This is a trap and pain of my own devising
but You alone can rescue me.
Only You are wonderful, beautiful and perfect.
These ashes of my life will be scattered soon,
so please do not tarry.
Do not tarry Love.

Psalm 29

"Honor the LORD, you heavenly beings;
honor the LORD for his glory and strength.
Honor the LORD for the glory of his name.
Worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness."
-Psalm 29:1-2

Honor, glory and Love to thee,
my Frighteningly Beautiful Lord, to thee alone.
All of these fake gods, false idols and things that distract me,
all are nothing, were nothing and shall be nothing.

All is fading,
broken
and lost in the coming twilight.
Hope still flies.
Even in the darkest nights of my soul,
for You alone are Beautiful.
You alone are Good.
Thank You.
Thank You.
Forever deserving of worship and praise,
You have carried me.
Thank You.

Psalm 28

"I pray to you, O LORD, my rock.
Do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you are silent,
I might as well give up and die.
Listen to my prayer for mercy
as I cry out to you for help,
as I lift my hands toward your holy sanctuary. "
-Psalm 28:1-2

And so, such an apt prayer.
Such an appropriate verse to read.
My soul is trampled and lost in the mire.
It becomes a question of what may or may not.
Feeling dead, uncertainty and mixed emotions.

And yet, here we are.
Once again.
So many thoughts.
So much unknown.

I can hope.
I can fear.
So much pain.
Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological.
I have not a clue who I am or what I will be.

All these words I'm muttering are about me.
Where are You in this pain?
How far are You?
My Love, my Abba, the one closest and somehow furthest away.
I will wither without Your Love.
Look at this mess of a life.
The Fibromyalgia, anxiety, surgeries, pain, reckless pain.
My soul is dry and dead without You.

Food, music, sunlight, air, stories, work, reading...all have lost their flavor.
Like salt which has gone beyond use, they no longer bring anything relevant or useful to my life.

Here I am.
Praying.
Hoping.
There is hope, even with my despair and pain...the Light has burned even brighter.
That there is more than this pain.
And fading humanity.

Whatever happens, give me grace and conviction to turn back to You.
This broken heart, this wounded soul need You.
I thirst for Your Love and Spirit.
For Grace again.
To fall in Love again but more than that...to remember the Cross and follow.
To carry the burden of Yours that is not a burden.
To let loose this poison and hold to You.

One step forward medically and multiple steps back with physical pain.
Spiritual pain as well...death in the family and aching for a friend who is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I tend to be stuck between alot of rocks and a lot of hard places.
Sometimes I am not sure WHICH are the rocks and WHICH are the hard places.

But there is prayer.
Grace beyond understanding.
An all encompassing hurricane of love that is my Abba, my God and Strength, my Love and Lover.
I breath and live for such as Thee.
Such paltry and simple words...as I am amazed.

The pain will end.
One day.
Just not today it seems.

Psalm 79

"Help us, O God of our salvation!
Help us for the glory of your name.
Save us and forgive our sins
for the honor of your name."
-Psalm 79:9

I never know what to pray and as much as I claim to dislike the Psalms...seems every time I make myself read there is something relevant.

I feel so...disconnected, so out of synch.
With this.
That.
Everything.
Everyone.
This world.
The Church.

You are the only One whom I know and feel any peace with.
Others do help.
Prayer.
Comfort.
Love.
But only You understand.
Only You grasp who this fool typing is.
And have poured out boundless love on me.
Time again.
Wiped away sin.
Purified and cleansed the mess of my soul.

But once again here we are.
Public records and melting pots of confusion.
Why do I persist in this foolishness?
I'm not quite sure if I made the point of the extent of my silliness if not insanity.
But I keep trying.
With some modest success I might add.

Once again we must away.
Cover me in Love, Hope and Grace.
Not the abstract ideas that most people seem to think of.
But the Love which pulled me from Hell.
And is continually pulling me out of my personal Hell.
This war against depression, anxiety, ptsd and panic attacks.

Yeah.
You know.
You alone.
Here we go again.
Thank You.