Oie.
Nothing now.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
After last night...I have some serious doubts about people lodged in my head now...I don't want to be rude...and I hope this doesn't hurt or offend...I just...
I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.
My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.
And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...
It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.
I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...
I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.
My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.
And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...
It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.
I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...
Half Way
This novel in a month idea grows more insane every time I do it.
I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.
So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.
Wow.
Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.
I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.
My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.
Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.
The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.
I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.
I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.
The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.
"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17
"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.
So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.
Wow.
Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.
I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.
My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.
Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.
The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.
I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.
I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.
The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.
"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17
"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
Beatitude of Broken Faith
Faithless.
Faithless.
Faithless.
We all fall down.
Symmetrical in our betrayals
and lack of faith
in our sincerest tones.
Crucifying is easy
when you cast thought aside
and think you know truth
and can slam the nails in
at the perfect rate
because after all,
eternity is just a moments wait, right?
Faithless.
Faithless.
We all fall down.
Symmetrical in our betrayals
and lack of faith
in our sincerest tones.
Crucifying is easy
when you cast thought aside
and think you know truth
and can slam the nails in
at the perfect rate
because after all,
eternity is just a moments wait, right?
Bleeding Heart, Bleeding soul.
Lies, I want to scream.
Poison, I want to cut out.
Every thought racing through this mind,
every moment of existing beside you
is making me loose
every part of me
that I ever held onto
and every second burns my soul
as I wait in silence
to hear another denial
and pleasantly formed no.
I would have rather,
I would have rather
just had my heart
ripped out.
I would have rather
just had my soul
had this soul
nullified.
I would,
I would have rather
just had every last part of me
just washed away in these flames
then ever spend another wasted second
just pouring myself into useless cycles
of repetitious pain.
Bleeding myself into sin
just for what feels like your delight
as I spin myself into another lie
and twist and turn in a panic
because I realize
I realize and I know
how lost I am.
I got lost in believing you
and trusting in something never true.
The worse thing I can ever know
is how ultimately
it's all my fault,
everything false
and everything truly true,
it all my fault.
I'm a narcissist
so don't worry,
I'll take the blame
and baptize myself in guilt
and a bit more loathing
as I hold the door
and bid thee to walk quick
as I hold back spite
and take a deep draft
of how utterly useless
all in all this all is.
Rejoice, the day is coming.
Love beyond love
and this cynical heart of mine
will melt in the Light
and this,
even this forsaking bastard child,
this faithless Son of Adam
will be found and held.
At any point I could walk out into eternity
and find contentment.
But I hold myself back and embrace the pain
because it is my identity.
Do you see?
Do you feel?
Good night,
good bye
farewell
and
farewell.
Poison, I want to cut out.
Every thought racing through this mind,
every moment of existing beside you
is making me loose
every part of me
that I ever held onto
and every second burns my soul
as I wait in silence
to hear another denial
and pleasantly formed no.
I would have rather,
I would have rather
just had my heart
ripped out.
I would have rather
just had my soul
had this soul
nullified.
I would,
I would have rather
just had every last part of me
just washed away in these flames
then ever spend another wasted second
just pouring myself into useless cycles
of repetitious pain.
Bleeding myself into sin
just for what feels like your delight
as I spin myself into another lie
and twist and turn in a panic
because I realize
I realize and I know
how lost I am.
I got lost in believing you
and trusting in something never true.
The worse thing I can ever know
is how ultimately
it's all my fault,
everything false
and everything truly true,
it all my fault.
I'm a narcissist
so don't worry,
I'll take the blame
and baptize myself in guilt
and a bit more loathing
as I hold the door
and bid thee to walk quick
as I hold back spite
and take a deep draft
of how utterly useless
all in all this all is.
Rejoice, the day is coming.
Love beyond love
and this cynical heart of mine
will melt in the Light
and this,
even this forsaking bastard child,
this faithless Son of Adam
will be found and held.
At any point I could walk out into eternity
and find contentment.
But I hold myself back and embrace the pain
because it is my identity.
Do you see?
Do you feel?
Good night,
good bye
farewell
and
farewell.
Winding Self Destruct
The more I learn...
Jesus...just...why can't this charade end?
It's like everything...it is all lies...
My heart...God my head is exploding with pain...
What is the point?
I can't take this...
I didn't ask for this...
I never wanted this...
...just...I...
All I...all I wanted was...
...a simple
Just to be...
...and to feel..
I want...to know this and that...
Please end this pain.
Please end it tonight.
My Father, My Lover take me from this place of pain.
Deliver me before I crash.
Jesus...just...why can't this charade end?
It's like everything...it is all lies...
My heart...God my head is exploding with pain...
What is the point?
I can't take this...
I didn't ask for this...
I never wanted this...
...just...I...
All I...all I wanted was...
...a simple
Just to be...
...and to feel..
I want...to know this and that...
Please end this pain.
Please end it tonight.
My Father, My Lover take me from this place of pain.
Deliver me before I crash.
Quote of the Day:
"But how can the characters in a play guess the plot? We are not the playwright, we are not the producer, we are not even the audience. We are on the stage. To play well the scenes in which we are "on" concerns us much more than to guess about the scenes that follow it."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Burning Like a Plague...
God I am so sick to death of sexuality.
For once I would just like to browse the web, talk to friends, maybe even turn on the stupid TV and not have half naked images shoved down my throat. Believe it or not there are actually guys who do not enjoy seeing lingerie whenever they try to just check their email or watch a TV show.
I want this left up to the imagination.
I don't want this crap shoved down my throat.
Sexuality scares me.
I don't look at women and see their shapes and curves as something to grope and leer at...I see their souls as being something scared and beautiful...something to love and protect.
I don't want this tarnished crap in my mind...it is hard enough to live and try to keep lust out of my heart...I believe Jesus is serious in Matthew 5:27-30:
""You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.
"Let's not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here's what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile. And you have to chop off your right hand the moment you notice it raised threateningly. Better a bloody stump than your entire being discarded for good in the dump.""
I think Jesus is serious when he compares lust to adultery, if you can't control your mind it is the same as the actual act. Every sin starts in the heart...and it is not like I am trying to somehow be this self righteous jerk who doesn't lust or feel sexual desire or want...but I just want control of it.
I can't stand being around a lot of guys because of the 'guy talk' and acting as though women are just objects. That makes me so angry because it is like they cannot even have the basic respect for another human being.
Porn is so repulsive to me because it is just two bodies throwing themselves at each other just to 'entertain' and do nothing more than be empty and meaningless sex. What sort of sad life does it take for someone to actual go beyond looking at to DESIRING that?
I don't want it.
I want a pure heart.
I want to learn to love and have the darkness purged from my heart.
I want to maintain innocence in my mind and not have this oppressive darkness screaming about sex, sexuality or what I should do with my body.
It pisses me off so much that my sisters have to deal with this absolute crap that they are somehow not perfect because they are held up these pictures and videos. Who in the name of the depths of Hell would actually WANT a woman so shallow and needy that the only thing she can do is the same physical action over and over to cover up her empty heart and mind?
God...that sounds so judgmental and that is NOT how I mean for it to be.
It's not my place to judge another human's life or tell them that God doesn't love them or they are somehow insufficient.
I just see people throwing themselves at each other with no regard for the consequences...for the ripping of the soul...I don't want that. I want love, pure love...I either want it whole and pure as God designed it to be or I just want to be alone and by myself.
I do not and refuse this compromise of my soul just to please a person.
I want to be close to Jesus more than I ever want to make another person happy. There is no way I am ever going to get someone to understand this...I do not know how to explain how and why Jesus has had this effect on me...
It is the closest I have ever come to true encompassing head over heels and burning love that makes me sick to my stomach from how much passion I feel. My soul shiver, it longs...it aches...it NEEDS to be with my Love. I hate all these trite expressions in Christianity because it feels like they are cheapening it and trying to reduce my love into this paltry and pathetic bumper sticker...just like porn tries to turn women into these sex symbols.
Am I the only one who just gets sick in their stomach over this?
I want the sort of good tension that comes from balance in life...the tension of knowing that doing the right thing hurts like Hell but it is the right thing. I want that more than I could ever want a relationship of any sort...
Does that make sense?
Would it kill people to email me and tell me they feel that urgency?
That irreplaceable love that humans can't touch?
I just want...I need Jesus.
I hate this distance between Him and I.
He bridged the gap of eternity with the cross and His blood.
But what now?
What.
Now?
I want Love.
I want my Lover to carry me Home from this diseased world.
I will freely admit I'm a mercenary, a coward.
I would rather flee from this life then stay and suffer like my Christ.
If I am to be here...give me strength.
Help me withstand temptation.
Burn within me, burn away this weakness and inferior flesh.
Please?
Please?
There is nothing more I want.
Please.
For once I would just like to browse the web, talk to friends, maybe even turn on the stupid TV and not have half naked images shoved down my throat. Believe it or not there are actually guys who do not enjoy seeing lingerie whenever they try to just check their email or watch a TV show.
I want this left up to the imagination.
I don't want this crap shoved down my throat.
Sexuality scares me.
I don't look at women and see their shapes and curves as something to grope and leer at...I see their souls as being something scared and beautiful...something to love and protect.
I don't want this tarnished crap in my mind...it is hard enough to live and try to keep lust out of my heart...I believe Jesus is serious in Matthew 5:27-30:
""You know the next commandment pretty well, too: 'Don't go to bed with another's spouse.' But don't think you've preserved your virtue simply by staying out of bed. Your heart can be corrupted by lust even quicker than your body. Those leering looks you think nobody notices—they also corrupt.
"Let's not pretend this is easier than it really is. If you want to live a morally pure life, here's what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer. You have to choose to live one-eyed or else be dumped on a moral trash pile. And you have to chop off your right hand the moment you notice it raised threateningly. Better a bloody stump than your entire being discarded for good in the dump.""
I think Jesus is serious when he compares lust to adultery, if you can't control your mind it is the same as the actual act. Every sin starts in the heart...and it is not like I am trying to somehow be this self righteous jerk who doesn't lust or feel sexual desire or want...but I just want control of it.
I can't stand being around a lot of guys because of the 'guy talk' and acting as though women are just objects. That makes me so angry because it is like they cannot even have the basic respect for another human being.
Porn is so repulsive to me because it is just two bodies throwing themselves at each other just to 'entertain' and do nothing more than be empty and meaningless sex. What sort of sad life does it take for someone to actual go beyond looking at to DESIRING that?
I don't want it.
I want a pure heart.
I want to learn to love and have the darkness purged from my heart.
I want to maintain innocence in my mind and not have this oppressive darkness screaming about sex, sexuality or what I should do with my body.
It pisses me off so much that my sisters have to deal with this absolute crap that they are somehow not perfect because they are held up these pictures and videos. Who in the name of the depths of Hell would actually WANT a woman so shallow and needy that the only thing she can do is the same physical action over and over to cover up her empty heart and mind?
God...that sounds so judgmental and that is NOT how I mean for it to be.
It's not my place to judge another human's life or tell them that God doesn't love them or they are somehow insufficient.
I just see people throwing themselves at each other with no regard for the consequences...for the ripping of the soul...I don't want that. I want love, pure love...I either want it whole and pure as God designed it to be or I just want to be alone and by myself.
I do not and refuse this compromise of my soul just to please a person.
I want to be close to Jesus more than I ever want to make another person happy. There is no way I am ever going to get someone to understand this...I do not know how to explain how and why Jesus has had this effect on me...
It is the closest I have ever come to true encompassing head over heels and burning love that makes me sick to my stomach from how much passion I feel. My soul shiver, it longs...it aches...it NEEDS to be with my Love. I hate all these trite expressions in Christianity because it feels like they are cheapening it and trying to reduce my love into this paltry and pathetic bumper sticker...just like porn tries to turn women into these sex symbols.
Am I the only one who just gets sick in their stomach over this?
I want the sort of good tension that comes from balance in life...the tension of knowing that doing the right thing hurts like Hell but it is the right thing. I want that more than I could ever want a relationship of any sort...
Does that make sense?
Would it kill people to email me and tell me they feel that urgency?
That irreplaceable love that humans can't touch?
I just want...I need Jesus.
I hate this distance between Him and I.
He bridged the gap of eternity with the cross and His blood.
But what now?
What.
Now?
I want Love.
I want my Lover to carry me Home from this diseased world.
I will freely admit I'm a mercenary, a coward.
I would rather flee from this life then stay and suffer like my Christ.
If I am to be here...give me strength.
Help me withstand temptation.
Burn within me, burn away this weakness and inferior flesh.
Please?
Please?
There is nothing more I want.
Please.
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