I hate conflict.
God, did I pick a bad planet to be born upon.

One step forward medically and multiple steps back with physical pain.
Spiritual pain as well...death in the family and aching for a friend who is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I tend to be stuck between alot of rocks and a lot of hard places.
Sometimes I am not sure WHICH are the rocks and WHICH are the hard places.

But there is prayer.
Grace beyond understanding.
An all encompassing hurricane of love that is my Abba, my God and Strength, my Love and Lover.
I breath and live for such as Thee.
Such paltry and simple words...as I am amazed.

The pain will end.
One day.
Just not today it seems.

Meh.

I am dramatically underwhelmed with some of this stuff.
It would be easier if life could be cast in black and white with little gray...but I never seem to luck out in those situations.

Slow recovery is going...er...slow.
But at least it is happening.
Thank God.
Thank You Jesus for being here...ups, down, lefts, rights, pain, joy, sorrow and hope.

So sinus surgery...not all that fun.
Seriously.

Nearly a year of such awesomeness.
=)

Finding Grace, Again and Again

This night, like most nights that end up with me unable to think and write, was strange. Because of growing up around people unable to control their drinking, I typically will do anything but be around those drinking, but tonight I spent time with those who drank.

I was not made to question people's salvation.
To ponder if God would have chosen them and ergo spared just the right enough blood to cover them.

I can't reconcile predestination, election, freewill and how we have to choose God as much as He chooses us. I refuse to try and solve a paradox of God's love because there is too much else that needs to be doing.

I can sit in a room and play theology all day long...or take the Love, the Love that bleed and died for me - Chief of Sinners, and convey such grace with these unworthy lips.

It is like I can hear my purpose again.
So faint.
So far away.
On a distant shore.
The waves are calling for me.
It is not my time but soon.
This diseased and dying shell will exhaust itself.
I will fall into the arms of Christ to never hurt again.
But until then I must love.
Love with the passion of a Savior who first love me.

Such impossible,
such madness
the love of Christ
conveying,
carrying
and being all that I could ever dream.
Needing, longing for You.
Messiah, Lover, Father and Friend,
such impossible titles
for such improbable Love.

I was called to teach, to love and to do something new.
Somehow I keep losing myself in this pain and fear.
What should I do, Abba?
How can I go forward?
For so long I tried and beat my head against so many walls.
Those walls kept collapsing.

China, all the Bible studies, the bands, failed relationships, nervous breakdowns, surgery after surgery, embarrassing health problems and this growing social anxiety fear.

The last thing I want to do is anything but anything.
What can I do?
Please, please, please open the doors.
Your Word says the Spirit prays when we do not know how.
I do not know how.

Fear, depression, self hate, wanting this all to end and all of these dark thoughts have been so constant and I hear nothing but the screaming winds of this madness. Monsters and demons in the dark striking out at me and finding every weakness to exploit.

And I hear I am.
Naked before You.
All I am is layed before.
I have nothing to hide and nowhere to hide it.
From the beginning You knew me.
My weakness, my shame, my fear...
Yet, You love me.
Chased after me for Your good pleasure.

Mad.
Insane.
I want to scream and cry from the pain ripping through my body right now but my soul, You speak words of Love to my soul.

Please stop this mad pain.
Please let me have rest.
Please, Abba, Father.
I am so afraid.
So very afraid and weak.

Carry me.
Hold me as I sleep.
Speak to me and may I share Love only as You may will.



"My sin O the joy of this glorious thought
My sin not in part but the whole
Is nailed to the cross and
I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord,
O my soul

And Lord haste the day
When my faith shall be sight
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll
The trump shall resound and
The Lord shall descend
Even so it is well with my soul"

"How many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
I sat ashore and watched
as one hopeless wave crashed upon another
while my thoughts ran to the hills
my heart never reached the sea
with only delusions of an endless journey
I am left with an ocean between you and me

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream

The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?

Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"

Faith Stranger Than Fiction

Waves beat across the shore,
birds are crying
and we're holding back tears.
Seeing your dreams dashed to pieces
sending this mournful aching
through my chest,
hearts filled with this fear.

Messiah born in Bethlehem,
wearing thorns
and splinters in Your skin,
this blood You spilled
with all my sins that you bore,
what foolishness is this?
In all of this,
my shame is all I have,
this life profane
and this is how grace will begin?

This foolishness saving my life
burning in my soul,
a fire to my bones
as I lay in wait,
on this shore of broken dreams
naught that I can own,
just this regret
and a scream,
a need to be redeemed.

Another week...time to work, push forward...hopefully the Muse shall strike and strike with a vengeance...

1 Thessalonians 5:12-22

"Dear brothers and sisters, honor those who are your leaders in the Lord’s work. They work hard among you and give you spiritual guidance. Show them great respect and wholehearted love because of their work. And live peacefully with each other.

Brothers and sisters, we urge you to warn those who are lazy. Encourage those who are timid. Take tender care of those who are weak. Be patient with everyone.

See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people.

Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil."
-1 Thessalonians 5:12-22

Funny how we all wait for things that never happen...believe in people we never should have...and hurt so much...

But we still choose to believe.
And I will.

Muses and all.

On...and...on...and...on...

"Wub wub."

Oh Irony, Love, Just Irony

I sort of saw this financial problem coming.
The Monsters on my back...distract and distort...

It is hard to see things as they truly are.
What is.
As it were.

I don't need a lot of money or comfort.
As is, my existence each day is a bookend of pain.

Purpose.
Drive.
Battle worth fighting.
Story worth writing.
Allocating and finding these verbs.
Applying.

People employs these verbs as nouns and make career and the money thing.
Not bad.
I have to do that more.
It's just hard to focus on what feels like a trifling thing when there are so many larger unresolved issues.

What good will food and survival do me if I cannot rid myself of these Monsters?
They haunt my waking thoughts and nightmares.
Slithering in shadows they wait watching.

Irony is that the solutions I keep getting heaped into my lap are only half answers.
The number of those pointing out valid and true solutions are few.
Whereas the need to generate and make moves on and on.
Funny how that happens with out without you.

Oie.
Words never quite work when I need them to...

I keep forgetting to forget...

"Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I'm here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done

Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what's written you show only me

But if you can't close up all the gaps tonight
Put me to bed in your way
You see right through everything I am
For you my insides are displayed
Sing me to sleep my beautiful one
I will love only you for all time
Sing me to sleep my only one
With promises that you are all mine"

Random Inspiration:

Haven't read all this page but what I've looked over it's nice to know I am not insane or alone. That I am not the only one who has trouble turning the world "off" and to stop feeling the pain of others.

I've not been able to vocalize that...but it's like diving head first into water while burning from this world of repressive dead spirituality.

Melodrama much?
Yes.

http://www.squidoo.com/the-empath-next-door

Words.
Words.
Words.

I just cannot get them to come out and form in the exact phrasing...and order I need them in.

Bah.

Busts...here and there.
I feel so hungry...
...but it's stress.
Not actual need for food.
Just for 'something' to do, as it were.

And pain.
And the old monster of depression.

So I can't be lonely.
Too many around.

Another Saturday (Okay Really Friday) Night

I'm not entirely sure if I'm okay with being here.
Not really seeing...things.
Oie.

Loneliness is the soul's discontentment.
And I'm not sure if it is me or the world out of synch.

I suppose, just suppose we shall see...

It's a little cold.

"Silence" - Blindside