Veritas.

Well I'm about out of depressing stuff to very vaguely refer to while appearing to be all depressed and noble.

Looks like I am stuck having to start feeling better and even smile.

What IS the world coming to these days?

Clearing...wanting a clearance.
Just wishing...I could share...

"Head Down" - Nine Inch Nails

"And this is not my face
And this is not my life
And there is not a single thing here
I can recognize
This is all a dream
And none of you are real
I'll give anything
I'll give anything"

"Come and find me, my love
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
I leave no tracks, no scent, no trace
If it's not too late
You’ll know where to look
Please forget the things I said and I wrote
Forget them and throw them away
Forget the things that I wrecked and I broke
Forget me and throw me away
The dark to me is a comfort
It offers blindness to me
There are so many horrible things in the light
They hurt for me to see

If you find me, carry me home
Don’t wake me or whisper my name
Lock me in the warmth of your arms
And walk me away from my shame"

Heh...such pretty lies.

Under Skin, Under Spirit

And as the hours passed
the evening darkened,
the night took hold
and slowly strangled the light.

Removing any visages of hope
leaving a hollow space.
Madness and fear,
walk hand in hand
down the vale of broken spine
and slide into my soul.

Reminding,
screaming
and beating
home the message
that this is all fake.

The whole "FEEL BETTER" or "HAVE YOU TRIED FEELING BETTER?!?" routine, surprisingly, doesn't actually work so well.

Passive aggressive responses to passive aggressive responses just seems silly at this point.

Words?

And to think some losers actually PAY for this sort of motivation.

Phft.

Retrograde.

...hrmm...making up for lost time...

Living, and Missing the Dreams

Weird how life always continues.
"With or without you"
It is really just so strange to be alive.
Feeling.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.

Feeling the air enter and leave, my body aching while fighting off the virus and bacterias that keep trying to kill it.

The nerve cells freaking out and screaming messages here and there.

But air and water pass through my body, somehow allowing my soul to maneuver, fire thoughts that are interpreted by my aching, shaking hands.

Life.
Alive.
Beauty even while there is pain.
Goodness even when there is a dark.
The Darkness cannot overcome.
Hope lives.


Love will win.

Quote of the Day:

“The story goes that a public sinner was excommunicated and forbidden entry to the church. He took his woes to God. 'They won't let me in, Lord, because I am a sinner.'

'What are you complaining about?' said God. 'They won't let Me in either.”
-Brennan Manning

...it seems every time I stop to look...you aren't there...

"Why, Mr. Anderson, why, why? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something, for more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Could it be for love?

"Illusions, Mr. Anderson, vagaries of perception! Temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without meaning or purpose! And all of them as artificial as the Matrix itself, although, only a human mind could create something as insipid as love!

"You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson, you must know it by now, you can't win! It's pointless to keep fighting! Why, Mr. Anderson, why?! Why do you persist?!"

"Because I choose to."

It took till the fourth day.
That has to be an all time personal best for me.

I never quite realized how much of this feels like just one big lie.

Heh.

At least I have the refuge of the comedic.

Laughing while this damn ship is burning down as it sinks.

Meh.

I'm so tired of being sick.
In pain.
So...tired of this isolation.
Lack of in person human interaction.
Genuine, trusting, humane interaction.

"Creep" - Radiohead

Well that was twenty times on repeat.
Time to do something else...

"But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here"

Night Courses in Despondency

Clicking into midnight,
falling, falling and spinning
working for insight
just as the static rises
blinding and aching in my soul,
wanting you,
yeah babe just wanting You.

Interference on the horizon,
losing sight
and the distance hurts.
Yeah it's a given
but with the fading light
it's just death to my comfort.

Again, again and again
spinning on life's merry-go-round
and thought I've wanted off,
here I will stay.

Spinning, fading and dreaming.
Night coming and going,
learning and plotting
and hoping
just hoping for more.

Psalm 79

"Help us, O God of our salvation!
Help us for the glory of your name.
Save us and forgive our sins
for the honor of your name."
-Psalm 79:9

I never know what to pray and as much as I claim to dislike the Psalms...seems every time I make myself read there is something relevant.

I feel so...disconnected, so out of synch.
With this.
That.
Everything.
Everyone.
This world.
The Church.

You are the only One whom I know and feel any peace with.
Others do help.
Prayer.
Comfort.
Love.
But only You understand.
Only You grasp who this fool typing is.
And have poured out boundless love on me.
Time again.
Wiped away sin.
Purified and cleansed the mess of my soul.

But once again here we are.
Public records and melting pots of confusion.
Why do I persist in this foolishness?
I'm not quite sure if I made the point of the extent of my silliness if not insanity.
But I keep trying.
With some modest success I might add.

Once again we must away.
Cover me in Love, Hope and Grace.
Not the abstract ideas that most people seem to think of.
But the Love which pulled me from Hell.
And is continually pulling me out of my personal Hell.
This war against depression, anxiety, ptsd and panic attacks.

Yeah.
You know.
You alone.
Here we go again.
Thank You.